Anyone Else Have Their In-Laws Blame Them for "Causing" This?

[Strugglingthroo]

Things have been heating up as we have met with attorneys and are starting the divorce process.  I received a call from my Mother in Law informing me that there is nothing wrong with my BPD wife other than I don't love her (which is what she's been telling her Mother) and it has driven her to act this way because of the horrible person I am.  If I had loved her and cared for her like I should all would be fine.  I can't help but see the irony in that the reason I'm suffering so much now is BECAUSE I've loved and cared for her to a fault.  Just another part of the detachment process that makes things even tougher.  Anyone else been blamed for "causing" the BPD behavior from your spouse's family?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Strugglingthroo, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though it sounds like you have a good handle on the dynamic.  Whether it's coming from your BPDx or your MIL, it's normal to be blamed for everything after a b/u with a pwBPD.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off of you like water off the back of a duck.  Easier said than done, I know, but it helps to be ready next time it happens.  I have a saying: poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.  Your MIL probably knows a lot more about her W's behavioral tendencies than she is letting on and, in my view, was way out of line by calling you.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Strugglingthroo]

Thanks LuckyJim.  I try to remind myself that emotions are running high and I'm sure MIL is worried about her daughter so things come out but it's still not easy to hear.  I've tried to explain how sick my BPDx is to my MIL but she is in denial.  It's honestly part of why my BPDx is the way she is.  The whole thing is sad.  If I didn't love and care for her I would have been gone years ago.  All part of the process I know.  As beat down as I am from everything I just hope I have the energy and stamina to endure the drama that will unfold over the next few months.  Really appreciate this board.  I've picked up some good information plus it's nice knowing you're not alone in this. 

[Pluto23]

Hi, I am experiencing exactly the same thing with my MIL, everytime there is any upset between me and my husband e.g. I say I can't cope or I leave him etc she immediately turns on me and get's really quite nasty and vicious about it all.
It has been very hurtful in the past but along with forgiving my BPD husband for whatever he had done, I have always forgiven her eventually even though she has never, ever apologised to me. This time I have asked my husband to move out and said I want a divorce and the attack has been the most vicious yet!
However this time, although very upsetting at first (as I'm sure she could see it coming and was pretending to be supportive), I have decided to let it wash over me. After all he is now her problem and not mine and ultimately I guess that's why she's so angry with me,!

[Aiko]

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[JNChell]

Lucky Jim is right. Your MIL was way out of line in what she did. I wasn’t married to mine, so I hope I’m not intruding on your thread. What I can share from my experience is that my ex is enabled by her family and friends, and by your MIL’s actions it sounds like your ex’s family most likely enables her behavior. Without going into drawn out detail, my ex’s FOO and extended family are full of dysfunction. It’s like some weird clan that all enable each other with random fueds in the mix. It should’ve been a big  for me. If your ex’s MIL is immature enough to contact you and say things just to hurt you then there’s a good possibility that there is plenty of dysfunction in her family as well. Try not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know.

[In a bad way]

I wasn't married but engaged, my almost MIL  is according to my ex a man hater.
She didn't like me despite doing jobs for her around her house and saving her money.
My ex's whole family are dysfunctional, especially her oldest child, the others have no boundaries set by my ex. Her ex husband, the kids dad is a complete ****.
Her sisters are off their heads as well.
Back to the MIL bit, I tried to get her to help me with my ex because I loved her so much, she said she would help and also help to try to sort her kids out but she never did anything, she herself is a bad mother.
I also tried to get her sisters to help me but despite their promises to do so they did nothing.
It ended up with them blaming me for all the arguments despite all the facts I told them, I see her mother (my nearly MIL) every now and then in a local bar, she doesn't speak to me and I don't speak to her.
My reason for not speaking to her is because she is toxic and a simple hello from me would go down like a lead balloon. I am surprised she has not had a go at me in all the times I have seen her.

[SWLSR]

No my ex in laws have been divorced for nearly 40 years.  She only talks to her father when she wants something and uses the kids to get it, and he Mother is crazier than she is.

[Strugglingthroo]

JNChell - You are exactly right!  Her entire family is completely dysfunctional.  The history of mental illness and dysfunction goes back for generations.  Can't keep jobs.  In denial that anything is wrong with any of them.  Avoid any kind of situation that makes them uncomfortable, and enable each other to keep it all going.  You are also right that it should have been a red flag to me as well.  But, I was 19 when we met and certainly wasn't thinking BPD or mental illness at the time.  Oh to go back again!

In a bad way - boundaries are a problem for my BPDx family as well.  They are all in the "everything you do is perfect and the best ever" mode which creates this false sense of superiority.  They meant well but tried to shelter the family from any and all things that were uncomfortable and it's created a situation where they don't know how to cope when things don't go well.  Sad situation.

Pluto23 - the attacks from the MIL have picked up here as well since we've decided to divorce.  It's almost like they ALL have the fear of abandonement issue that goes with BPD.  You are right about it being their problem now and that doesn't go with there "everything is perfect" outlook so I do think they are terrified that they will have to step up some now. 

[Pretty Woman]

Victim mentality.

Birds of a feather. Keep in mind your ex's family life is very much a part of what shaped her. If she is BPD then they are likely part of that toxic dance in some way or another.

My ex's sister knows she is crazy. She has watched her sister cheat, lie and steal from her exes. She has watched her do horrible things, file multiple restraining orders and lawsuits and it is ALWAYS the other person's fault. The other person is MAKING her sister behave like a lunatic.

I will never forget my ex's sister approaching me at work, at my desk when we first began dating. She was shaking a finger saying ":)on't you dare play with my sister's emotions".

I had no idea what she was talking about. We had gotten in a little argument over something I thought trivial and I told her via text we could discuss it later, I was at work.

Of course in doing that I was setting a boundary so she went ballistic all over her sister who also works with me. She was blowing up my phone so I turned it off and tossed it in a drawer.

I got her sister to calm down. I honestly had no idea what she was telling me, although now I see that in itself was a huge flag. Without saying her sister was emotionally fragile, she kinda did.

The fact I stayed in this relationship was my choice and it did make me an enemy to my co-worker. I do relish in knowing it isn't really my problem, it's their family dynamic and how they survive... .even the sister is lawsuit happy as I found out later and when I go back to first meeting her she told me her ex husband cheated on her while pregnant with her best friend. At the time I thought, wow, this woman must really like me to tell me this, something so deeply personal upon first meeting me. Now I realize she was playing victim from day one and telling me something deeply personal people don't usually reveal upon their first meeting. Normal people talk about where they last worked, where they live, etc, not how everyone wronged them and should be punished.

Like I said, birds of a feather.

As hard as it is, don't take it personally. Let them say what they want, you know better. Don't argue it with them, you won't get anywhere. Save yourself the grief.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.
 

[JNChell]

Odds are that her family doesn’t have fear of abandonment over the split with your ex. They most likely fear exposure. If your ex is exposed for who she really is then their distorted minds are telling them that “if she’s exposed, we will be too”. One of the biggest fears of cluster B’s is being exposed for who they really are. They’re operating on a very, very heightened level of fear. So, knowing that, does it make sense to you that her family would be scared s*****ss about the possibility of your ex being exposed for who she really is?

[Strugglingthroo]

JNChell - Very good point.  I hadn't thought of that.  They are all about "image" and have always been freakishly concerned about what others think of them.  I think you're on to something.  Hadn't thought of that angle. 

[In a bad way]

I was with a friend of mine on one of the occasions I saw her mother, this friend has known her mother a long time. I was telling him that I was surprised that the mother hadn't had a go at me, (she is actually a loud mouthed person). His reply to me was why would she have a go at you, she must know what her daughter is like?
Her sister once told me early on she thought my ex was bipolar, so I do think they know what she is like.
Also I know about all the fall outs my ex has had with her family over the years, of course my ex blamed everything on them.
I believed her, I had no reason not to but I think whilst my ex was telling me had a lot of basis, I also think they are all dysfunctional.
My ex's relationship with her children is the strangest I have ever seen, she has zero control over them, she has set no boundaries for them. She is actually scared of them, they have tempers. They actually treat her like cr**.

[In a bad way]

One thing I forgot to mention is the last two times I have seen her mother I have caught her staring at me numerous times.
I found it strange because I must have seen her 40 times at least over the last 20 months and she has never done that.
I got the impression she had something to say, I may be wrong but it was a gut feeling, and why would I have that feeling when I haven't before?

[empath]

Mine do, too. Of course, that's because my uBPDh has complained about my boundaries to them. They also blame h because he hasn't controlled me well enough and let me get an education.

Thankfully, they live a couple days' drive away from us, and I haven't talked to them in a long time - by their choice.