My BPD ex isn't to blame. I am.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I'm new here but what I'm about to post isn't. You actually might be jaded. Usual stuff: same patterns, literally identical ones. Same results: I'm dejected. Enduring PTSD. My life has been shattered. Same sort of "closure": last time I saw her (Dec 17th) she left my place all huffy, so I texted her and told her 'Let's really TALK,' to which she answered 'I'll let you know when I have a free afternoon and we'll meet then... .' (work details don't matter, I'll cut to the chase).
She never texted indeedy: she erased me (usual crap), so I texted some corny ___ on Christmas Eve to which she replied curtly and offended so I texted her again on the 27th something like 'I truly regret this bitter ending with the person who made me feel what I'd never -even in my wildest dreams- thought I'd feel, blah blah' to which she replied 'I regret you didn't take care of me blah blah'. Then I got blocked - once again. I sometimes believe this might've been another push and pull situation, though a much harder one, but I reckon I'd lost all her respect by now (NC since then). I'd been thinking it over and on the following day I returned her stuff through a common friend who works at the same place where the 3 of us slaved away together (luckily she left in Dec though she might be back and that would be a tough blow to absorb). Things had to end once and for all: I'd lost 12kg (yes, I had) and my hands trembled on their own account.
So, I don't know who finished the whole thing. I mean, she must've loathed me and thought me scum when she met this friend with her stuff. I even gave her back some paper on which she'd written touching words in one of those flawless moments of what seemed to be real love.
However there's a feeling I need to pour out: she's a pwBPD but I am massively more mentally ill than she is. Period. I let her disrespect me. Period. Humiliate me. I didn't have what it took to set boundaries. Period. I gave up rollerblading, my rock and roll dancing classes, which were totally uplifting, and nearly stopped playing guitar my passion. My performance at work which had been amazing had already started to suck as well. So, who's to blame? I am to blame. Who's the ill one? Here! Period. I strongly needed to be able to set boundaries, it was a challenge, a goal to attain, and so did she! We both needed it and I was the male here, wasn't I?
How I wish I could go back in time. This is beyond repair. Is she really ill? Or are they superior? We use the term "they mirror us"... .how come she really saw real things about me that nobody had ever found out before? I'm talking about deep, profound stuff here.
Ok, so now she's supposed to be going round the cycle again, isn't she? She's in "love" with someone else, giving him that mind-blowing sex she'd give me, I guess (haven't heard anything whatsoever about her), and she might have taken him to her parents' flat by the seaside where we'd had the time of our lives one unforgettable weekend and felt we'd die together, and I didn't cross her mind this time with the new guy 'cos she "lacks object constancy" and all that? How horrible! And am I supposed to have to feel relieved at the thought of " Actually I was set free since the whole thing was toxic!"... .No! I'm 75% guilty... .and I'm being generous on myself.
Let make things worse: she's 37 and I'm 39. She'd started treatment only 1 week before we broke up, which makes me feel even worse, though she wasn't very enthusiastic (she'd had BPD treatment but her Dr had a heart attack... .time was on her side, wasn't it?). Will I ever be able to relish the thought of being alive again? I'm seriously dubious about it. Massive thanks for reading.

[Mikey26]

Hi. I'm new here but what I'm about to post isn't. You actually might be jaded. Usual stuff: same patterns, literally identical ones. Same results: I'm dejected. Enduring PTSD. My life has been shattered. Same sort of "closure": last time I saw her (Dec 17th) she left my place all huffy, so I texted her and told her 'Let's really TALK,' to which she answered 'I'll let you know when I have a free afternoon and we'll meet then... .' (work details don't matter, I'll cut to the chase).
She never texted indeedy: she erased me (usual crap), so I texted some corny ___ on Christmas Eve to which she replied curtly and offended so I texted her again on the 27th something like 'I truly regret this bitter ending with the person who made me feel what I'd never -even in my wildest dreams- thought I'd feel, blah blah' to which she replied 'I regret you didn't take care of me blah blah'. Then I got blocked - once again. I sometimes believe this might've been another push and pull situation, though a much harder one, but I reckon I'd lost all her respect by now (NC since then). I'd been thinking it over and on the following day I returned her stuff through a common friend who works at the same place where the 3 of us slaved away together (luckily she left in Dec though she might be back and that would be a tough blow to absorb). Things had to end once and for all: I'd lost 12kg (yes, I had) and my hands trembled on their own account.
So, I don't know who finished the whole thing. I mean, she must've loathed me and thought me scum when she met this friend with her stuff. I even gave her back some paper on which she'd written touching words in one of those flawless moments of what seemed to be real love.
However there's a feeling I need to pour out: she's a pwBPD but I am massively more mentally ill than she is. Period. I let her disrespect me. Period. Humiliate me. I didn't have what it took to set boundaries. Period. I gave up rollerblading, my rock and roll dancing classes, which were totally uplifting, and nearly stopped playing guitar my passion. My performance at work which had been amazing had already started to suck as well. So, who's to blame? I am to blame. Who's the ill one? Here! Period. I strongly needed to be able to set boundaries, it was a challenge, a goal to attain, and so did she! We both needed it and I was the male here, wasn't I?
How I wish I could go back in time. This is beyond repair. Is she really ill? Or are they superior? We use the term "they mirror us"... .how come she really saw real things about me that nobody had ever found out before? I'm talking about deep, profound stuff here.
Ok, so now she's supposed to be going round the cycle again, isn't she? She's in "love" with someone else, giving him that mind-blowing sex she'd give me, I guess (haven't heard anything whatsoever about her), and she might have taken him to her parents' flat by the seaside where we'd had the time of our lives one unforgettable weekend and felt we'd die together, and I didn't cross her mind this time with the new guy 'cos she "lacks object constancy" and all that? How horrible! And am I supposed to have to feel relieved at the thought of " Actually I was set free since the whole thing was toxic!"... .No! I'm 75% guilty... .and I'm being generous on myself.
Let make things worse: she's 37 and I'm 39. She'd started treatment only 1 week before we broke up, which makes me feel even worse, though she wasn't very enthusiastic (she'd had BPD treatment but her Dr had a heart attack... .time was on her side, wasn't it?). Will I ever be able to relish the thought of being alive again? I'm seriously dubious about it. Massive thanks for reading.

[Skip]

Re: My BPD ex isn't to blame. I am.

Sarcasm? 

[araneina]

 I don't know if this is sarcasm or not but I hope it is.  I don't really view a failed relationship as a time to assign "blame" to anyone.  I think it's healthy to recognize our faults and failings in a relationship.  No one is perfect.  I absolutely made mistakes in my relationship with my ex, the failure of our relationship wasn't entirely one person's fault.

You say you are "massively more mentally ill than she is."  However, you are the one who is in acceptance of his part in the relationship and what you may have done wrong.  It sounds like your ex is not.

My ex knew that he destroyed his relationships.  He knew.  I point blank asked him and he said "Yes."  When our relationship went down in flames, did he do what you and I are doing, sit back, reflect on his failures and mistakes?  Nope.  He jumped headfirst into another relationship, just like your ex.  These people... .they have blinders on.  I know how crappy it feels, thinking oh hey, there they are, out with their new partner, living life, and we're over here in our sweatpants still trying to figure our sh*t out.  However... .we'll figure it out.  We'll use this pain as a lesson, and learn from it, and hopefully find healthier, lasting love in our next relationship.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
--George Santayana.

[FindingMe2011]

My BPD ex isn't to blame. I am.

She actually gets 50%... .as do you... .

BPD is the failure to separate / individuate from primary caretakers. Consequently, they seek out replications of caretakers found in people who need perfect mirroring.

Many BPD partners are also suffering from immaturity. They also have developmental deficits in their thinking, and they project these onto the unknowing Borderline in order to cast off their own shame and utilize the defects of the Borderline as their combination mirroring agent and marketeer for their false self.

When the false self fails from imperfect mirroring; a huge narcissistic injury ensues. If this causes a jump into a new relationship to soothe the ego and calm the reactive need -then rightfully, the Borderline withdraws. (One of the signs of immaturity and impulsivity is multiple partners overlapping.)

There is no devaluation and discard from the Borderline. There is only a detachment and protection from the failure to become the perfect mirroring agent to a person who NEEDS perfect mirroring.

When a person needs perfect mirroring and must have it from multiple sources; moving on to recycle old flames or search on-line for new ones, or have one-night stands- this is a sign of insecurity. Never to be alone, unable to delay gratification. Always needy. Multiple relationships overlapping during the BPD relationship eliminate trust, safety, and security for a Borderline. This isn't a discard and devaluation- this is an extreme valuation that once temporarily soothed the developmental deficit and need for value. Sometimes, for both parties. One person is doing the necessary stepping back to detach and protect, and yes it involves hurt and mistrust.

Mikey you are not crazy and the fact you are here, says plenty. Its a severe mental illness, with lots to sort out... .be kind and forgiving to yourself, you deserve this, at the very least... .I wish u well, PEACE

[snowmonkey]

Hi Mikey,

I have the same sorts of feelings as you. My logic works something like this (and yes, this contains a lot of generalisations but nevertheless);

Most people with BPD do not have any insight into their mental illness. They just act they way they do without the capacity to question their own behaviours. For them, their reality is their reality, it is so intrinsic to who they are, that the sort of self-questioning that must take place for them to 'get better' is next to impossible. I once met the psychiatrist of my exGFwBPD without her knowledge and he was strongly against giving her his diagnosis of BPD. He was very clear with myself and her daughter that my ex had BPD, but he argued that he hadn't given her this diagnosis because she just wouldn't accept it, she couldn't accept... .The paradigm shift that she would have had to accept was literally just unfathomable for her. She would have left treatment and any small help she was getting would come to an end.

My point is; yes, they are very mentally ill... .but they lack the ability to see this and choose to become well.

We here, however, do largely have the capacity for insight. We have the capacity to question ourselves and to analyse our thoughts, emotions and behaviours... .but, we still choose to behave in incredibly insane ways. We make ridiculous choices in the knowledge that what we are doing is not good for us at all. I allowed her abuse (in all ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially), indeed, I even facilitated her behaviour. I apologised for the most ridiculous of things, I spent money on her that I really couldn't afford, I allowed her to speak to me in the most horrible ways and I rewarded her with unquestioning love and commitment. Why I allowed this was my mental illness.

So yes, I too often blame myself for what i let happen to me. If my ex had no capacity whatsoever to act differently from how she behaved and I did have the capacity to put an end to my suffering (although not hers), then I can only really blame myself for the pain of the 4 years I spent with her.

As I post script... .I don't always feel this way. Sometimes I am still very angry at her and sometimes I have such compassion for her. Sometimes I am still in love with her... .Very odd isn't it!

[SlyQQ]

Assigning blame ( for what happened to you, though perhaps not other, relatively innocent bystanders ) is completely pointless,

it was 100% her fault for being BPD and 100% yours for not realizing it, with that out of the way we can learn from our mistakes,

Don't get mixed up with someone who has BPD again and try and move on.

 

[Mikey26]

Massive thanks everyone! Snowmonkey, exactly. That's why I feel guilty. There was no sarcasm. I wasn't enough self-demanding. I knew I had to be stronger and set boundaries but chickened out instead. I reckon many of us would've done better if we'd had the guts to be strict and self-respectful, so to speak. How could I allow her to put me down like that when her BPD kicked in? It's uncanny. She NEEDED me to stop her and I NEEDED to let myself know I'd have whatever it took to keep that respect alive. I can't help but think she would've turned into a perfectly "normal" woman if I had done so, taking into account the fact that she HAD started treatment, that is, she was AWARE of her BPD. Now's too late and the doubt will linger... .or remain for good. I hope I'll learn from this experience.

[SlyQQ]

Boundaries really don't help your partner long term only yourself,


I am currently watching with bemusement as my ex has been told to stop smoking and had her car removed from her ( currently parked out the front of my house ) It needs to be done , and i know exactly how it will end... .

[Skip]

I can't help but think she would've turned into a perfectly "normal" woman if I had done so, taking into account the fact that she HAD started treatment, that is, she was AWARE of her BPD. Now's too late and the doubt will linger... .

It's good that you are exploring this.

I think you are right in the sense that a loving person who brings structure to the relationship and have the strength to ride out the emotional waves is the best thing for a person with BPD.

But, no, she would not be BPD free and have everything turn into flowers. You have to bring structure to the relationship and have the strength to ride out the emotional waves.

And one added twist, sometimes when people with BPD go through treatment, they decide to clear the bad influences from their life. It's like a person on a diet who throws away the "bad" cookies. Sometimes partners get jettisoned.

Nothing is very certain in these relationships... .they are challenging to say the least.

[Mikey26]

Thanks, guys. I'd heard that, Skip. It would've been even more abhorrent. She is 37, and I usually believe she would've settled down sooner rather than later, just because of her age. Another delusion, isn't it? I've read some god-awful things here. Some of you guys have had to endure such vile stuff. I reckon it was just about to come for me as well. I kind of lucked out.
I might see her again at the job, thought of which I dread. But it'll definitely be a lot worse if I don't ever see her again. I'll end up like Hachi, always expecting her to be back there, or to bump into her, until the day I pop off. Seriously though: if the vast majority of these kinds of relationships fail (is this true?), if things weren't going to work out right, huge logical etc, how come it hurts this much? Was she going to get better just because of the fact that she was reaching her 40s (though she didn't look like a 37 year old lady, as usual with BPDs; she was a sultry queen of a woman in spite of her anorexia; of course, a perfectly high functioning BPD had to have an eating disorder, right? And a hugely serious one, which seemed beyond repair for her. Yeah, she couldn't even control that at 37. And I thought I'd be able to help her help herself. I thought I'd win this battle. I'm still gullible at 39.