I outed him to EVERYONE, he lost his life, his friends, has had to move...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

People talk here so many times about them coming back?  Recycling as such.  I don't think I want mine back, I know I wouldn't have a life with him.  He's essentially a penniless cheater.  But all the things he done and said to me (I'm sure I don't need to tell you all, you have all been through so much of the same, all our stories are so similar), everything I did so lovingly for him and I'm blocked on everything, he has blacked me to the worst degree.  I have no idea how he can hate me, not even contact me to talk, apologise.

I outed him to EVERYONE, he lost his life, his friends, has had to move countries because no one will have anything to do with him, and I am not exaggerating.

Can we discuss instances where people have literally NEVER heard from their ex again?  I need to stop hoping that he'll reach out to me, even if just to say sorry.  

He had an amazing ability to mirror emotions with me, so when he left I genuinely felt like he felt remorse for what he was doing... .or again was it an act.  Thank you.

[JustNeedToTalk]

People talk here so many times about them coming back?  Recycling as such.  I don't think I want mine back, I know I wouldn't have a life with him.  He's essentially a penniless cheater.  But all the things he done and said to me (I'm sure I don't need to tell you all, you have all been through so much of the same, all our stories are so similar), everything I did so lovingly for him and I'm blocked on everything, he has blacked me to the worst degree.  I have no idea how he can hate me, not even contact me to talk, apologise.

I outed him to EVERYONE, he lost his life, his friends, has had to move countries because no one will have anything to do with him, and I am not exaggerating.

Can we discuss instances where people have literally NEVER heard from their ex again?  I need to stop hoping that he'll reach out to me, even if just to say sorry.  

He had an amazing ability to mirror emotions with me, so when he left I genuinely felt like he felt remorse for what he was doing... .or again was it an act.  Thank you.

[pearlsw]

Hi JustNeedtoTalk,

When you say you "outed him to everyone" what do you mean exactly? Did you tell people he did something to you that precipitated your break up?

After what happened you still want contact?  Why do you hope he reaches out to you? Are you expecting that after what you describe has happened here?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Skip]

Can we discuss instances where people have literally NEVER heard from their ex again?  I need to stop hoping that he'll reach out to me, even if just to say sorry.  

We have cases of ghosting and going no contact. We have a lot of cases of post breakup contact.

Have you broken up before? Is this different? Why are you concerned about him contacting you?

[JustNeedToTalk]

No we have never broken up before and it has been one month no contact.  A lot of abuse back and forth, then declarations of love and sorry.  To nothing.  I told everyone about his cheating (even the OW's husband), lying, stealing, abuse.  I was so angry and hurt at the time.  I had spent thousands on him, and emotionally and financially supported him for over a year, always having his back.  Now NO ONE wants anything to do with him, and I mean NO ONE, no just because of what he did to me, because of an accumulation of his behaviour over the years.  He is leaving the country.  I felt like I had no choice (which is a pathetic excuse) but he kept saying I'd take him back and he was calling me at 2am whispering c*** and then calling and texting on unknown numbers.  He seemed to show remorse initially but now nothing.  Like I am to blame.  Why do I feel the guilt.  He went from loving me one day to devaluing me in an instance, showing no empathy, when in the past he was an empathic person... .or was that an act.

I think I just want some real apology but doubt I'll get it.  I worry about him coming back and me not being strong enough to cope.

He has blocked me from EVERYTHING, has now for over a month.  I feel it is for the right for me but the pain of never hearing from him again kills me inside.

[love4meNOTu]

I think I just want some real apology but doubt I'll get it.  I worry about him coming back and me not being strong enough to cope.
He has blocked me from EVERYTHING, has now for over a month.  I feel it is for the right for me but the pain of never hearing from him again kills me inside.

There's two things here I'd like to address, the first is the apology. In my situation, there was never an apology because the behavior that resulted in our divorce caused a chain reaction. Divorce filing, extinction bursts, police being called... .

In all of this my ex spouse retained the ideology that he was the victim. Victims don't issue apologies to those whom they believe have persecuted them.

Secondly, my ex maintained that he was the victim in his previous marriages. (Infidelity in the previous two marriages). I have no idea if this is true or not, but it was the story he told.

His version of reality was warped, as demonstrated in our relationship, so I would imagine that his perception of the previous two marriages was also warped.

However, you maintain that you initiated an action that had severe consequences for your ex. It sounds as if you are conflicted about having done so and wish to apologize? Perhaps this is the source of your pain besides the failure of the relationship?

Many of us in BPD breakups/ divorces have had to find our own closure and healing, without reaching out to our exes for clarity.

The one time I reached out to my ex for closure hurt me very badly. I wish to this day I had never made that phone call.

I wish better for you in reaching some sort of closure, and hoping your pain lessens daily.

L

[JustNeedToTalk]

you're right I feel immense guilt.  It's not in my nature to bad mouth anyone.  When I told everyone the things he done I was so lonely, hurt, scared, broken.  My actions have resulted in him losing all his friends, the respect of his family, having to close his business and move countries.  I know deep inside he'll blame me for everything.  Even now nearly two months later I am still in so much pain, desperate to hear something from him.  But I doubt I ever will, why would he want to talk to me ever again.

[love4meNOTu]

I don't believe that you have that much power over anyone.

Do you think that nothing your ex did contributed to his move, change of business, etc?

Maybe he wanted those things? My ex changed his NAME and his job after our divorce, he also married again quickly. Who knows what was going on there, not really any of my business as long as he stays away from me and mine.

It took me a long time to see the relationship  clearly, and I suffered for a long time after it was done blaming myself for not seeing the obvious or not reacting appropriately. I would have done a lot of things differently,  reacted less and maybe even panicked.less if I had understood about BPD. I can't fix that now, but I've learned so much since then, I'm not really the same person I was.

Give it some time and distance. Forgive yourself for lashing out at him, you are human. Don't do it again, stay away from him until you've had time to process what's happened and just do the next right thing. For him and for yourself, stay away. If you can go see a T that can help you break down what has happened and help you recover. Your pain will lessen in time, you will change because of it. You can grow grow from this.

[Panda39]

JustNeedToTalk,

I know you feel guilty for "outting" you partner and maybe what you did wasn't the best way to handle things.  

But there are consequences for the things we do, and your partner was forced to look his actions and those consequences.  His reaction wasn't to stay and face his actions, to own his actions, to make amends for his actions... .he's running and avoiding.

The consequences for you because of your own behavior is your guilt.  But the difference between the two of you is your response.  You feel regret for speaking out (when you were hurt and angry), you recognize that isn't your best behavior, you are sorry and want to apologize.

It takes two to tango in a relationship, you can't take all the blame (or all the credit) he owns half of it too.

I know your struggling with all of this but try and take care of you.

Panda39

[JustNeedToTalk]

Thank you.  I feel terrible guilt for what I have done.  I was scared and alone.  He kept calling me 67 times in total through the night.  Whispering c***, tellling me I am nothing, that sex with me was disgusting, I taste disgusting.  I am old and will never find any one, and these women he cheated with are twice the women I will ever be.

He said I was pathetic and I'd take him back in an instance.  I think I outed him to prove to myself that I wouldn't take him back.  If everyone knew then I never would.

I'm so angry at myself for lowering to that standard.  I should have been stronger.  And now in hindsight I hate that he hates me.  I was always so loyal and understanding to him and he pushed me to a limit that I lost myself and control of my actions.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I'm not making excuses but I just want to add that until I started my own therapy and research I had no idea he was BPD.  Now understanding more and thanks to talking on this forum I do.  I just thought he was evil.

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you.  I feel terrible guilt for what I have done.  I was scared and alone.  He kept calling me 67 times in total through the night.  Whispering c***, tellling me I am nothing, that sex with me was disgusting, I taste disgusting.  I am old and will never find any one, and these women he cheated with are twice the women I will ever be.

He said I was pathetic and I'd take him back in an instance.  I think I outed him to prove to myself that I wouldn't take him back.  If everyone knew then I never would.

I'm so angry at myself for lowering to that standard.  I should have been stronger.  And now in hindsight I hate that he hates me.  I was always so loyal and understanding to him and he pushed me to a limit that I lost myself and control of my actions.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this kind of devaluation. It takes a strong person to fight back, and you fought back.

It reminds me of something my therapist told me when I was discussing with her a particular fight with my ex, the turning point of when I knew he had to leave.

I was so upset with myself because I had pushed him away from me with my feet. I was on the bed, I had fallen back on it trying to get away from him. I was in a towel after showering... just thinking back on that makes me shiver... anyway he was doing this thing where he would follow me from room to room screaming at me, I could only get away by locking myself in the bathroom. Then he upped the ante raising his fist to me and shaking it in my face. I really thought he was going to hit me, so I pushed him away from me as hard as I could with my feet.

He told me that was domestic violence and that he hadn't touched me.

My therapist said "that's self defense, not domestic violence".

So I would ask why would you punish yourself for defending yourself.

L