How do you move past the feelings of betrayal?

[araneina]

My sister in law, bless her heart, I love her, but she's clueless.  She showed me a picture about an hour ago of my ex with my replacement from some event related to my replacement's work.  It crushed me.

I'll admit, a small part of me was willing to accept my ex's explanation that my replacement was just a friend when I asked him who she was after seeing a text from her.  But now... .that picture my SIL showed me, they were most definitely a couple.

I can't get past all of the lies!  He said he didn't want a long distance relationship ever again - yet this girl lives 6 hours away from him.  What makes her better than me? They've been "official" for almost 3 months now (but I saw her text to him in August so they've known each other a while)... .and of course I dread the day their relationship lasts longer than ours did.  But why do I care?

He said while we were together that our relationship was the most "honest and open" relationship he'd ever been in.  BULLSH*T.  He said my meeting his family was huge, and meant I was super important.  Again, bullsh*t.  He led me to believe so many things, and they were all reasons that I stayed!  Because I thought he cared too... .but obviously they were just words to him.  God, I talked with him when he was suicidal, let him cry on my shoulder, listened to him complain about his job, his friends, his life... .I'm such a sap.

When he broke it off with me he blamed me for it ending (because I told him I thought he needed professional help), and said he needed to move on and make his own happiness on his own.  He said maybe if I hadn't made that comment things could have worked out.  What horsesh*t.  Less than two weeks later he was showing her off on social media.

I trusted this guy implicitly.  One of the biggest things that angers me is... .we were always super careful to use condoms during sex.  But during the last month of our relationship he just randomly stopped using them.  Stupid me, I didn't say much except to ask him why, and he claims I told him it was ok (I didn't).  Now all I can think is - what if he was having unprotected sex with her too?  I should probably get tested. :/

But... .I just feel so used and cheated and hurt.  I'm not sure I'll be able to truly trust another man again after this.  My ex did an absolutely beautiful job of making me believe that he cared about me - when in fact I think he was just using me until he'd secured his new life in his new city with his new gf, and then he didn't need me anymore.  How do you guys deal with that?  Because I'll be honest, I feel like crap.  It's like he won, you know.  He got to use me and throw me away and now has this newer, younger, shinier thing to parade around with.  Bleh.  I was doing so well until this.

I told my SIL no more pics of him please and thank you.

[JNChell]

She’s not better than you. She is an object to him. Another source of supply. I’ve learned that one of the biggest fears of cluster B’s is being exposed for who they truly are behind the mask and closed doors. His mask will always eventually come off just as it did for you. As his mask started to slip, you started to wake up and call him on his BS. They can’t handle nor accept the truth about themselves. Well, most of them. You showing him who he really is forces him to look at himself. He can’t bare to do that. He can’t self reflect, so he can’t be with you anymore. He can’t be alone in his distorted world because this also forces him to self reflect, which he can’t bare to do, so he needs a new source of supply, an object, to mirror. It is quite mind bending and hurtful. I’m so sorry you had to see the pic. I know at this point that I would’ve broke down seeing something like that. Please be easy on yourself. It will begin to get better. Hang in there. The people on here care.

[araneina]

She’s not better than you. She is an object to him. Another source of supply. I’ve learned that one of the biggest fears of cluster B’s is being exposed for who they truly are behind the mask and closed doors. His mask will always eventually come off just as it did for you. As his mask started to slip, you started to wake up and call him on his BS. They can’t handle nor accept the truth about themselves. Well, most of them. You showing him who he really is forces him to look at himself. He can’t bare to do that. He can’t self reflect, so he can’t be with you anymore. He can’t be alone in his distorted world because this also forces him to self reflect, which he can’t bare to do, so he needs a new source of supply, an object, to mirror. It is quite mind bending and hurtful. I’m so sorry you had to see the pic. I know at this point that I would’ve broke down seeing something like that. Please be easy on yourself. It will begin to get better. Hang in there. The people on here care.

Yeah, he wore that mask well.  I keep thinking back to the stark differences between the "good" him and the "bad" him.  Things he used to say to me or to when we were in the honeymoon phase just abruptly stopped... .he really was a different person.

I guess my only issue with the idea that he couldn't self reflect is that he had many, many self help books around the house.  Books that clearly indicated he knew he was struggling - so wasn't he self aware?  He told me he'd been seeing a therapist for a while but that she said she couldn't do anything more for him, so he stopped going.  If he wasn't self aware, why would he be in therapy?  And how in god's name could a therapist think that all was well with him and nothing more could be done?

I dunno, I'm not arguing with you, just... trying to piece it all together.  It's very hard to think that everything I went through with him was just an act.  I truly cared for him.

Thank you for your kind words friend.

[Pretty Woman]

Forgiveness is truly a process as is getting past betrayal.

I found it easiest to try to depersonalize it. I know there have been many before me that went through this with my ex, I know there are many, many more going through this on these boards.

This tells me it isn't as much betrayal as a main part of this illness. It's like sticking your finger in a light socket over and over knowing you will get hurt. The patterns repeat, over and over. The more they repeat the better they get at hiding things... .but that doesn't mean they are not hurting.

They are constantly hurting.

That doesn't lessen feeling used. It doesn't get them an "out of jail free" card.

Thing is this. They. Are. Disordered. We are not. We are rational. We know this is wrong and while on some level they do too, as JNChell mentioned, we are merely supply, something that makes them feel whole until they latch on to new supply.

I think I learned here over the years, I can't look to my ex for answers, closure or an apology. I need to accept it happened and forgive myself for blaming myself. I didn't know what this was, I had no idea.

I did the best I could in this situation.

You did the best you could.

You will have days this occupies your mind. Try to find something to take your mind off it. Getting angry only hurts you. Your ex will never understand the depths of your hurt. You need to love yourself as you hoped you ex would love you. Care for YOU. You deserve this love. You have the opportunity to go on to a healthy and happy relationship.

Your ex, without major therapy does not.

And try not to envy the replacement. I can attest they go through the same stuff. Just because your ex has changed partners does not mean your ex has changed. That is very important to remember and yet we forget quite often.
 

[araneina]

Thank you.  Perhaps I should admit that I also struggle with the fact that I don't really know if my ex is BPD or not - it's my own "diagnosis," for lack of a better word.  So there is that lingering fear that he's completely normal and I was just some broad who got cheated on.  But of course I know he has problems... .  and I know those problems haven't disappeared.  So of course you're correct - even if his new relationship lasts for 20 years, I know it will inevitably still endure the same core issues ours did. 

I don't quite envy my replacement - after all, it's very likely he was sleeping with her at the same time he was sleeping with me, and unless she's aware of that she was also being cheated on - but I can't ignore the pain I feel from being thrown away.

I am having a very hard time letting this go.  I would like to begin dating again but I just can't bring myself to do it.  It's been 3 months for god's sake.  I've never had so much trouble getting back out there until this last relationship.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about this tonight.

Thank you again for your wisdom.

[Skip]

My ex did an absolutely beautiful job of making me believe that he cared about me - when in fact I think he was just using me until he'd secured his new life in his new city with his new gf, and then he didn't need me anymore.  How do you guys deal with that?  

Does this fit all the facts? I think it really helps to stay as grounded as you can.

It sounds like the last few months were messy - not going on the trip and his breaking up was a sign that he had a change of heart. Sounds like he was exploring another relationship but undecided.

The conflict over his mental health was the straw that broke camels back and he made a decision - but clearly he was leaning on leaving and the comment just catalyzed the breakup.

Cowardly? Yes. Selfish and insensitive? Yes. Poor character? Yes. He should have just finished A before exploring relationship B.

But was it about stringing you along and using you? Or was it something else?

[araneina]

Does this fit all the facts? I think it really helps to stay as grounded as you can.

It sounds like the last few months were messy - not going on the trip and his breaking up was a sign that he had a change of heart. Sounds like he was exploring another relationship but undecided.

The conflict over his mental health was the straw that broke camels back and he made a decision - but clearly he was leaning on leaving and the comment just catalyzed the breakup.

Cowardly? Yes. Selfish and insensitive? Yes. Poor character? Yes. He should have just finished A before exploring relationship B.

But was it about stringing you along and using you? Or was it something else?

Well... .I was the one that took the trip without him.  He expressed confusion as to why I left him out after I returned.  In all honesty... .I just needed a break from him.
 But yes - that action of mine definitely made him question things.  The last few months were indeed messy.  He would try to break up but ask me "Should I leave?" at the same time.  I had no idea what I wanted.

And if he was planning on leaving then why was he asking me to go on a trip camping with him?  Why did he ask to join ME on a work trip so we could have a short vacation together?  That sort of stuff just confuses the hell out of me.

I don't know.  The relationship needed to end.  When he finally ended it I felt a MASSIVE wave of relief... .so I'm just super frustrated that I'm still hurt by all this.  However I had a good chat with my therapist about this tonight and I don't feel so crummy.  What happened happened.

[pearlsw]

I don't know.  The relationship needed to end.  When he finally ended it I felt a MASSIVE wave of relief... .so I'm just super frustrated that I'm still hurt by all this.  However I had a good chat with my therapist about this tonight and I don't feel so crummy.  What happened happened.

Our head and our hearts don't always match up... .It sounds like your head gets this but your heart is still hurting and that is very annoying! Your heart will catch up... .Perhaps take a new look at the "hurt"... .pushing it away is not going to work... .it will fade at the pace it is ready to go... .Do you have any practice with looking at your thoughts? Have you heard that notion that "thoughts are clouds and mind is sky"? So, if these are "just thoughts" can you take a step back and just watch them and not be angry at them or at yourself about them? Just picture yourself lying on the grass in a park and you look up... .You are not mad at the dark clouds or the white puffy ones. They are just thoughts. The thoughts will keep coming through until one day when they don't and you are free from this.

I had a year long relationship it took me a lot of years to recover from because I had no answers as to why it played out the way it did and therefore my mind had trouble making peace with it. You have this space and that could help with shortening your recovery. 

[araneina]

Our head and our hearts don't always match up... .It sounds like your head gets this but your heart is still hurting and that is very annoying! Your heart will catch up... .Perhaps take a new look at the "hurt"... .pushing it away is not going to work... .it will fade at the pace it is ready to go... .Do you have any practice with looking at your thoughts? Have you heard that notion that "thoughts are clouds and mind is sky"? So, if these are "just thoughts" can you take a step back and just watch them and not be angry at them or at yourself about them? Just picture yourself lying on the grass in a park and you look up... .You are not mad at the dark clouds or the white puffy ones. They are just thoughts. The thoughts will keep coming through until one day when they don't and you are free from this.

I had a year long relationship it took me a lot of years to recover from because I had no answers as to why it played out the way it did and therefore my mind had trouble making peace with it. You have this space and that could help with shortening your recovery.  

I moved to a new city shortly after my relationship ended - it's a city I have wanted to live in for 6 years, so when the opportunity hit me I ran with it.  My therapist suggested that my inability to move on from my ex is not so much because of him, but because I am lonely.  I'm in a new city with a new job and new friends... .I miss having that intimate relationship with someone.  And she is absolutely correct.  In the past I've had a pretty easy time moving on and dating again.  Not this time.

Also, this was the first man I've truly felt "in love" with for about 7 years.  And my T said that that is hard to let go of.  She suggested something similar to Skip, that my ex realized this relationship was on the rocks and began exploring this new relationship.  Which to me doesn't make it right, but she said that everyone handles conflict in a relationship differently.  Why he couldn't have just ended it rather than wait for me to do something and make me look like the bad guy... .well, who knows.  

I feel as though something is inherently wrong with me that I can't move on.  Of course my T disagrees and says I'm being too hard on myself (what's new).  Oh... so many questions.  Thank you for your thoughts.

[JNChell]

araneina, don’t put too much thought into the self help books, and you don’t know for sure that that is how it really went with his shrink. My ex says she has “some issues”. She sees a shrink. The thing is, she’s still abusive as hell. She’s being validated. It’s possible that he knows he has issues, but is unaccepting of his real condition. Depending on where he is on the spectrum. Mine won’t accept a damn thing. Don’t pay any mind to his books or what he told you about a shrink. Remember his actions.

[araneina]

araneina, don’t put too much thought into the self help books, and you don’t know for sure that that is how it really went with his shrink. My ex says she has “some issues”. She sees a shrink. The thing is, she’s still abusive as hell. She’s being validated. It’s possible that he knows he has issues, but is unaccepting of his real condition. Depending on where he is on the spectrum. Mine won’t accept a damn thing. Don’t pay any mind to his books or what he told you about a shrink. Remember his actions.

My therapist agrees.  She said she can't think of an instance where she'd tell a patient that there's nothing more she could do for them UNLESS she realized that her patient was unwilling to actually work on things and/or lying to her.

Anyhow, I've since realized that I have spent the last several months trying to make sense of HIS behavior because in some way I thought that would make me feel better.  But in the long run... .the only thing I should focus on is my behavior, because that's the only thing I can change.  I'm not quite there yet, but one day I'll stop taking it all so personally.  Thank you JNChell.  

I am happy to say that I've lost 10 pounds since the relationship (I'm not overweight but I gained about 20lbs while with him and didn't like that extra baggage) AND have massively reduced how much I drink, which is fantastic.  And I'm finally sleeping through the night... thank god.

[JNChell]

araneina, I’m not there yet either, but I think I’m moving forward as are you. What a trip! What a heartbreaking experience we’ve all been through. I still miss her in moments. I ask myself why every time it happens. The reasons that I come to are very physical. Sex and presence. That’s a topical explanation that goes much deeper, but I was willing to go back for more of the bad stuff just to have moments of good stuff. I was attached. I still am a little. I refused to give up because of our Son. I did myself a huge disservice. I got really messed up with her. I’m finally realizing that I was in that mess and the messes before because of me.

I’m bouncing back and forth with the self medicating. I’ve been taking supplements. I must admit that I’m envious that you can sleep through the night. In all of this, that is one of the things that I want back. Healthy sleep.

[JNChell]

araneina. I’d like to recommend a song. “Change Is”. By Ryan Bingham.

[araneina]

araneina, I’m not there yet either, but I think I’m moving forward as are you. What a trip! What a heartbreaking experience we’ve all been through. I still miss her in moments. I ask myself why every time it happens. The reasons that I come to are very physical. Sex and presence. That’s a topical explanation that goes much deeper, but I was willing to go back for more of the bad stuff just to have moments of good stuff. I was attached. I still am a little. I refused to give up because of our Son. I did myself a huge disservice. I got really messed up with her. I’m finally realizing that I was in that mess and the messes before because of me.

I’m bouncing back and forth with the self medicating. I’ve been taking supplements. I must admit that I’m envious that you can sleep through the night. In all of this, that is one of the things that I want back. Healthy sleep.

You were with your ex for far, far longer, and as I've said before - I don't know if my ex is BPD or just severely depressed.  Your experience with your person was likely far more traumatic than mine was... .so it will take time.  I'm sort of ashamed that it's 3 months after the breakup and I'm still struggling.

Funny, I do the same thing... .asking myself why I miss someone who doesn't feel the same way.  And my therapist and I have both agreed that I miss the physical intimacy of a relationship than I actually miss my ex.  I miss waking up next to someone, having someone to share my day with, go on adventures with, etc.  And how wonderful it must be to have that with someone without the constant stress of the highs and lows!  Boy the highs with him were high... but the lows sucked.

As far as sleep - I should admit that I medicate heavily.  I take herbal supplements, melatonin, and benedryl to get me to sleep soundly.  So it's not a total win.

I'll check out the song.  I admit... .music is touchy for me right now.  My ex is a phenomenal guitarist and a lot of our evenings were spent with him tooling around on his guitars and me listening.  So when I hear certain guitars in songs I get really wistful.  Thanks again for your words.