I broke up with someone for the first time

[bestintentions]

Hello all:

It's been a while since I've been on the boards, but this milestone (of sorts) motivated me to post.

I am just over a year out from my divorce being final.  I have dated casually since last April but nothing serious.  My experiences with my BPDex have undoubtedly changed me and since that time I've struggled to come to some kind of criteria for a potential partner to meet before I would consider something long term.  At my age of 47, the dating pool of people who meet my "unicorn" desires has been empty.  After Thanksgiving last year, I decided to just wing it and have fun.  I met a girl on a dating app and we had a mutual acquaintance which made getting the discussion started much easier.  Things got intense quickly.  From the start, I knew we weren't intellectually compatible.  As we all know, there are far more things that comprise a healthy relationship than just that one subject.  So even though I have given intellectual compatibility a huge weight, I decided to let that go and see how things progressed.  I have a close friend who's been in a 13 year relationship with a woman where they don't often discuss topics on a deeper level, but he makes it work by getting this stimulation elsewhere.

She told me she was in love with me about a month in.  I told her I was not "there" yet and she was fine with that.  Many things started progressing in a way that felt healthy to me.  I agreed to meet her family, friends and children (13,11) and I was well received... .she is extremely kind, generous, pretty, the sex was great and we seemed to have a great time no matter what we did.  All great factors. I started genuinely caring about this woman and let her know that... .but there were things that popped up along the way that made me cringe.  Here's a few examples: validation-seeking posts on Facebook, idealizing me on Facebook to her 1000+ friends and remaining friends with an ex on FB so that he could "see how well I'm doing".  That last comment was something I heard but didn't react to immediately.  When it hit me (this is at best immaturity and at worst something left unresolved), I brought it up.  She apologized and said it wasn't important and that she'd drop him.  I would never make a decision based on this alone but I then asked her: what have you done as far as introspection in the wake of your failed relationships to see how your choices could have helped you make different ones in the future?  She needed me to explain what I meant by "introspection".

Fast forward: two days ago I just decided I would break up with her rather than continue to let these doubts/factors fester, but I had never let on this would happen.  I ripped the bandage off and blindsided her.  My thinking here was to avoid bargaining if possible and not let my emotions overwhelm me into changing my mind.  She was absolutely crushed.  What followed was fairly normal on her part.  Shock, anger and bewilderment at my sudden exit and some attempts at bargaining.  I cried.  We did text into the next day as I felt she deserved an explanation after absorbing the initial blow, but I never (outwardly) wavered.  She didn't like any of my answers and was (rightfully) confused and upset with me.  We never argued about a single thing.  All I could do was apologize.  Since that happened the guilt has been keeping me awake along with feelings of regret and wondering if I did the right thing.  I could have been happy with her.  In a nutshell I told her that people with caretaking/codependent qualities tend to ignore things they don't like and just "make" things right.  In the wake of my divorce, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't stay involved with someone unless I was as close to certain as possible that this person was "right" for me.  Even though we had talked about intellectual incompatibilities in past, she still didn't understand why I was making this decision.  Her bargaining was (so far) short-lived but included things like: "We were just getting started", "You didn't give me a chance, I would have compromised", "Snuggling one day, the next it's over?".  All valid points.  Am I a monster for going with the flow (making me seem disingenuous in the end) to learn this person's true behavior and tendencies over the course of two months and not pointing out every single thing I disagree with immediately in the moment it happens? 
 
I have felt like an awful human being over the last two days... .the pain of breaking someone's heart feels worse than getting rejected!

I'd love to hear thoughts and opinions on my story. 

Thanks for reading!

bi

[pearlsw]

Hi bestintentions,

Well, this is interesting. As you keep reflecting on this do you feel you made the right choice? I think if these issues were going to be festering inside of you, and there was no way she could meet your expectations, perhaps this was best to do sooner rather than later. Breakups hurt. They just do. Typically, though not always, for both parties.

If you are convinced you made the right decision than learning to live with it is in order. So, do I understand the timing correctly? You started dating last April and then you just suddenly did this with no hint of a problem. Well, that is bound to create some pain and heartache! How long did you have this idea before you pulled the trigger? Were you impulsive about it?

I am not sure how others feel, but I would not want to date someone who secretly thought lesser of my intellect.

What can you learn from this to have things go better for you next time?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bestintentions-

Im sorry... .I don't know your history, but marriage to and divorce from a BPD person can take an awful lot of healing, and our scars run deep.  This is a tough one... .and I hope I'm not being too tough on you, but perhaps you're not quite ready for exclusive dating yet.

If you're still a bit shell-shocked, that would be no surprise.  And if that's the case, maybe take a step back in your approach to dating and take a real pause before meeting any woman's children or family members.  Those introductions naturally lead many women to believe there is more to your feelings.

These days (For folks of all age groups) there are a LOT of people who have tons of "friends" on Facebook... .sometimes depending on what they may do for a living.  And... .some "nons" DO remain real friends with people they used to date.  I don't engage much in Facebook, and perhaps you could talk to her about why that level of engagement is important to her.  Your former GF offered to remove the ex-boyfriend/husband as a friend; and she asked you for an explanation of introspection.  From what you wrote, she wanted to be compliant with your needs and was  interested in learning what you meant (seemingly without acting like she felt "stupid"...

When she told you she loved you, she didn't become angry or defensive over the fact that you had said you "weren't there yet".  Or did she?  If she didn't pour on the love bombing, or act in any different or "red flag" way to "get you to the word love", what else has really made you uncomfortable?

So aside from her being unclear about the term "introspection" and the Facebook thing, is there anything else, other behaviors that were red flags for you?  Has she talked about prior relationships being abusive?  Has she discussed her upbringing?

I cannot say whether or not you did the right thing... .probably you didn't do it in the right way.  Sorry. 

Just a bit of food for thought.  You know Best,  sometimes we think we're a little farther along in our healing than we really are... .I know I thought I was.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[valet]

I think you have some pretty valid insights on why you behaved the way you did.

What would you do differently if a situation like this one came around in the future?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bi, Perhaps you lacked "chemistry"?  Maybe you were faking it a little?

the sex was great and we seemed to have a great time no matter what we did. 

I note that you "seemed" to have a good time, which indicates to me that maybe something was missing for you or THAT you were pretending to have what was superficially a good time.

From the start, I knew we weren't intellectually compatible.

Nietzsche said something to the effect that the thing that lasts longest in a r/s is conversation, which may have been a problem if you "weren't intellectually compatible."  What do you think?  I'm not suggesting that you have to be discussing Shakespeare on every date, but that maybe you were looking for someone to whom you could relate better on an intellectual level?  If so, that's OK.  What were your gut feelings about her?  Maybe she was more into you than you were into her?

LuckyJim

[Bo123]

"The sex was great".  Your quote.  Are you looking for a LT relationship or great sex?  As others have said, that should be last on the list, however it's your life and if its #1 on the list who's to judge but with all the things going on I think from your story it only complicated things.  Again a T is the way to go to see why you need to have some lower priority needs met ahead of higher priorities first.  Best of luck.