My GF told me she doesn't want me and she is leaving my life

[Yuu]

hey Wentworth ,

WOW! this sounds very deep .I never knew a simple choice of words would change so much ! maybe If I had done something similar to this she wouldn't have broke up with me ...

but YES! YES these examples help me understand so much .Thank you very much thank you for caring .

yeah french would have been a big problem xD

could you explain this sentence "Validate her feelings, without validating her warped perception of reality." please?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

I am going to wait for two weeks. if she doesn't contact me I will contact her and ask if she feels comfortable an secure now .

two weeks may be a bit too long. thats time to begin to grieve a relationship, and even if she feels conflicted, she may feel that its better to proceed with separating. i am very interested to hear what others think about it.

i wouldnt ask her if she feels comfortable and secure now, for two reasons:

1. its heavy subject matter. she likely doesnt want to be reminded about it, and it could feel like pressure. it wouldnt even surprise me if she denied saying it, if you bring it up.
2. people with BPD inherently feel uncomfortable and insecure. this is something she has always struggled with, and likely always will, to varying extents. it could be perceived as invalidating, too, because it could come off as impatience or make her feel like a burden.

if it does come up, preferably if she brings it up, it might be appropriate to ask her how she is feeling. i wouldnt do much more than that.

and as a separate point, i think she is far more likely to feel comfortable and secure if you are feeling comfortable and secure.

[Yuu]

once removed ,

so I should just wait and if she doesn't contact me wanting the relationship back I give up on her ?I really don't like the Idea of giving up on her. and I want to tell her if she is still feelings uncomfortable then this means it has nothing to do with our relationship.

I said two weeks because that is mostly the time it took us to come back after a break up but it wasn't this intense before and not for reasons like this ... maybe this time it is for real

Thank you for your advice

[once removed]

so I should just wait and if she doesn't contact me wanting the relationship back I give up on her ?

im saying two weeks may be too long to wait, to contact her. one week sounds better to me.

and I want to tell her if she is still feelings uncomfortable then this means it has nothing to do with our relationship.

i hear you. but you have to be careful, a lot of this is not intuitive or easy to get, and a lot of the things we often do, even with the best intentions can make things worse. if you take that approach, you are setting yourself up for an argument, and i can guarantee you that will push her away.

she told you shes afraid of relationships in general. it does have to do with your relationship, but it also has to do with her lifelong belief system. its not something you can really argue or change. it is something you can listen to, and be supportive about, and that will go a long way toward building trust; building trust will reduce her discomfort and insecurity.

[Yuu]

once removed ,

so what should I say when I contact her ? I mean she is not the talk type she will probably say I am fine and not open conversations . how do I get back ?

can you explain this more ? and how to build trust ?
"she told you shes afraid of relationships in general. it does have to do with your relationship, but it also has to do with her lifelong belief system. its not something you can really argue or change. it is something you can listen to, and be supportive about, and that will go a long way toward building trust; building trust will reduce her discomfort and insecurity."

[Radcliff]

could you explain this sentence "Validate her feelings, without validating her warped perception of reality." please?

I think it's that last part, about warped reality, that you want me to explain, right?  In the example I gave, most of us would agree that the world will not end because of bad hair.  It is important to not be so sympathetic to her that you agree with things that are not true.  This sets you up for so many kinds of trouble.  She will expect you to agree to other things that are not true, and many other problems.

Maybe we could look at an example or two from your relationship to better understand.  Can you give us an example of a time when your girlfriend reacted far too strongly to a situation?  Can you give us another example, of a time when your girlfriend said something that wasn't true?

WW

[once removed]

can you explain this more ? and how to build trust ?

people with BPD have trust issues, and that is an understatement. have a read of this, and you will notice that a lot of the beliefs pertain to not trusting others; you will also notice that she more or less communicated a number of these things to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.msg644937#msg644937

its something she will always struggle with. its why you need to be supportive, consistent, and to have firm boundaries... .all of those things naturally build trust. when you read the dos and donts list, and the article on what it takes to make it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship), those are things that it is speaking to. people with BPD need a strong, consistent, supportive, rock in their lives, in order to see that person as a source of safety and security.

this will not happen over night. trust is built slowly over time. right now, trust has eroded.

so what should I say when I contact her ?

why dont you write out here what feels natural for you to say, and we can give you some feedback and suggestions on it. aim for something light and upbeat, that perhaps might catch her off guard and surprise her. something that sounds like the upbeat and confident guy she fell for in the first place.

[Yuu]

Wentworth ,

I am afraid I can't remember anything .I knew about her BPD a month ago or something and we hadn't met after it much . So I never focused on her reactions that much .but any example you can give would be good I guess .

does validate means confirm ?or what ?

I understood that I should show her that I understand and feel her pain and that she has the right to feel that way .is this correct ?

[Yuu]

once removed ,

I read it but all I understood was staying strong, learning more about BPD and have friends or family who can give me backup

I can go something like this : hey how are you doing ? ask about her studies a little bit and then say I love you where she will probably ignore or say okay .then I will joke and then tell her that I miss our relationship and ask if she wants us back .

or should I just check up on her showing that I care and nothing more ?

it feels kinda weird y'know .I am not at fault and she pushed me away , she said that she doesn't want me and broke up with me . and I am the one trying to get back .I mean it hurts feeling unwanted and I am not sure if it is right blaming it on the BPD.

can you explain the boundaries thing ?

[Radcliff]

Wentworth ,

I am afraid I can't remember anything .I knew about her BPD a month ago or something and we hadn't met after it much . So I never focused on her reactions that much .but any example you can give would be good I guess .

does validate means confirm ?or what ?

I understood that I should show her that I understand and feel her pain and that she has the right to feel that way .is this correct ?

Yuu,

Yes, I think you understand.  To validate a feeling means to confirm that it is OK for the person to have those feelings.  Since peope can have any feelings, and have a right to have any feelings, it's almost always possible to validate feelings.  But if your girlfriend makes statements of facts that are incorrect, or says things she does not have a right to determine (like telling you what your feelings are) you don't have to validate those "invalid" things.  For example, if she tells you that you were selfish, and you don't think you were, you don't have to agree with her.  It's best not to argue with her about it, though, just ignore the invalid stuff.  Have. You heard of JADEing?

WW

[Yuu]

Wentworth,

No I haven't. What is that?

Thank you for explaining the validation thing for me

[once removed]

I can go something like this : hey how are you doing ? ask about her studies a little bit

i like this part. its friendly and approachable. its no pressure.

and then say I love you where she will probably ignore or say okay .

i would skip this, especially if you think thats going to be the result. thats an awkward situation, and you want to avoid those.

then I will joke and then tell her that I miss our relationship and ask if she wants us back .

i would only try this IF she is receptive, warm, inviting, and seems open to the conversation being steered in that direction, or steers it that way herself. it might be better to stick naming something specific you miss. a good example would be if she cracks a joke, you might say "boy i missed your humor" (personalize it in a way that is natural for you). im not sure id ask if she wants the two of you back. if the conversation does steer toward relationship talk, state how you feel and where youd like to see things go matter of fact and with confidence, with an underlying attitude that if she doesnt feel the same way, youll live.

and heres the thing: if you dont talk at all about the relationship, thats okay. its more important that she (both of you really) feel good about the exchange... .laugh, joke, have fun. if you can do that, shes going to walk away from the conversation feeling good about it, and feeling good toward you, and you can work with that.

make sense?

it feels kinda weird y'know .I am not at fault and she pushed me away , she said that she doesn't want me and broke up with me . and I am the one trying to get back .I mean it hurts feeling unwanted and I am not sure if it is right blaming it on the BPD.

think of it this way: youre just testing the waters and feeling them out.  youre not trying to do any more than that. youre not putting your heart on the line, no need to do that, she isnt stupid either, so theres no reason to say anything she already knows.

can you explain the boundaries thing ?

boundaries are a lifestyle. they are born out of our values. they mean living our life in accordance with our values and in a way that honors them. good, healthy boundaries, are attractive to people, they help others understand what we will and will not accept, and they are crucial in a relationship with someone with BPD, as people with BPD will tend to test and push your boundaries. what boundaries are not is a means to change someone elses behavior.  as this article explains, the term "setting boundaries" can be misleading: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

that article wont necessarily help everything make sense, so here are some practical examples of what boundaries look like: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

one more thing... .piggybacking on what Wentworth is talking about with validation, you may notice that we are offering validation to you in this thread. its easy to do, because we get what youre going through, and we understand, and i hope, at least, that that makes you feel understood and less alone. i would really encourage you to practice this with everyone in your life, starting as soon as possible. you will notice it works with everyone, and you get much better and more natural at it with practice.

[Yuu]

once removed ,

yes that makes a lot of sense.I will remember your words when the time comes and give you an update.but I am afraid that she won't open the relationship subject and it just ends.

thank you for explaining the boundaries. the links really helped .

as for validation and boundaries ,I am not sure if I can apply them but I will try .

HUGE THANKS !

[Radcliff]

Yuu,

OK, I am glad you understand validation.  If you have any questions, let me know.

Take a look at this link on how not to JADE.  Avoiding JADE is one of the most useful changes in behavior you can make, and it may be one of the changes you are able to master first.  You don't have to do something complicated.  You just have to stop doing something.  If your girlfriend accuses you of something like being selfish or not being sensitive to her needs, for example, you make sure to not defend yourself.  Defending yourself just starts an argument.  This was the first change I made in my behavior, and it made a lot of drama go away.  Let me know if you have any questions.

Between boundaries, validation, and avoiding JADE, you are learning about some useful tools.  These tools are useful in all relationships, not just ones with people with BPD, so you are learning some valuable life skills.  Keep in mind, though, that learning theory is one thing, but putting these tools into practice in real life can be challenging.  Do not be discouraged if you fail sometimes, or most of the time in the beginning.  Something always happens a little differently in real life than you think it will.  Keep trying, and celebrate even small victories or improvements.

WW

[once removed]

yes that makes a lot of sense.I will remember your words when the time comes and give you an update.but I am afraid that she won't open the relationship subject and it just ends.

its really not necessarily a bad thing for you if that happens. what you want primarily is a conversation that goes well and feels good. at that point, when you relay back to us what happens, we can have a good feel for whos court the ball is in, and what the next steps are.

some of the conversation will be a matter of playing it by ear and reading her. i dont mean to tell you to steer clear of any and all relationship talk if its obvious she wants to have that conversation, or if shes pushing for it; if she tells you, for example, she was just in a bad mood and wants to get back together, be receptive. im saying dont force it, and that your best hand is to be light, upbeat, confident. if she walks away feeling charmed and not pressured, its a win.

[Yuu]

Once removed,

What if she is waiting for me to go after her?

I read on her twitter she wrote before we broke up :"I don't want to mean anything to anyone anymore"

As I was reading our older texts I realized that something like this happened before a month ago she texted me "I don't want to continue" meaning in our relationship. And when I ask what's wrong she replies with "nothing". And when I asks how come?. She says something like "thats it or thats the way it is". And to be honest I often felt insecure that she will walk away and I talked with her about that alot maybe it triggered her. I don't know really.

[Yuu]

wentworth,

I read the JADE link and it is really helpful thank you .
can you explain what is written here "There are more effective ways to communicate "your truth", such as SET, GIVE, and DEARMAN. "?

Also I am afraid that I am starting to see her as BPD not as the person she is .I feel like since I knew she has BPD and I have been blaming and relating everything on her BPD .I think I am being extremely cautious which may make me seem acting different or without comfort

[Meili]

Also I am afraid that I am starting to see her as BPD not as the person she is .I feel like since I knew she has BPD and I have been blaming and relating everything on her BPD .I think I am being extremely cautious which may make me seem acting different or without comfort

It may help to remember that you can't separate the person from the disorder or vice versa. It's just a part of who she is. It's no different than if she were diabetic, had a heart condition, or suffered from depression. To maintain a relationship with someone we must radically accept the person. No matter who that relationship is with, we must completely accept them to be who they are and all that comes with them. When we let go of the desires and expectations for a person to be different from who they are, it reduces a great deal of stress.

[Radcliff]

wentworth,

I read the JADE link and it is really helpful thank you .
can you explain what is written here "There are more effective ways to communicate "your truth", such as SET, GIVE, and DEARMAN. "?

Also I am afraid that I am starting to see her as BPD not as the person she is .I feel like since I knew she has BPD and I have been blaming and relating everything on her BPD .I think I am being extremely cautious which may make me seem acting different or without comfort

Yuu, SET and DEARMAN are ways to discuss realities and needs and work through things with someone with BPD in a way that tries to be non-threatening.  It takes effort and practice to get good at using all of these tools in real life.  If you try too many at once, your head might explode!  There are articles on this site about both.  For now, working with once removed on strategy, and getting good at validation and not JADEing, are probably enough.  Feel free to read ahead about SET and DEARMAN, but don't burden yourself with the expectation of trying to master too many tools at once.

It is not unusual to worry that as you apply the tools you feel awkward and you worry that she may perceive you as being awkward.  If you try to project as much friendly confidence as you can, try not to scare her by pulling too hard, and above all validate her feelings and say nice things about her, you will be doing just fine.

WW

[Yuu]

Wentworth,

Thank you. I think I will stick to validation and not JADEing.

 But what do you think about this


I read on her twitter she wrote before we broke up :"I don't want to mean anything to anyone anymore"

As I was reading our older texts I realized that something like this happened before a month ago she texted me "I don't want to continue" meaning in our relationship. And when I ask what's wrong she replies with "nothing". And when I asks how come?. She says something like "thats it or thats the way it is". And to be honest I often felt insecure that she will walk away and I talked with her about that alot maybe it triggered her. I don't know really

Meili,

Thank you I will try to do that.

[Radcliff]

Yuu,

It can be very frustrating to not understand what our partner is thinking.  I have found that as I got older, I seemed to get a little better at it, but BPD always makes it very difficult.

At some point, you may just have to stop trying to guess what's behind the words, and just listen to what she literally says.  Sometimes I think that by trying too hard to understand what my wife really thinks when she says something that doesn't seem to make sense, I'm actually making life too easy on her.  She should take responsibility for making her message clear.  So, it's not really your job to interpret fuzzy messages.  Can you see how that can relieve you of a burden?

If you chase, she will run away.  Do your best to be an interesting and confident person.  And if you don't feel confident, a little acting is OK

WW

[once removed]

What if she is waiting for me to go after her?

let her.

has it been a week? are you thinking about reaching out?

[Yuu]

Wentworth,

So I should act as if I am so confident that if she wants to leave she can leave and it doesn't matter.
And what is unclear to me I should tell her that and if she doesn't explain I shouldn't care?

 Once removed,

It has been like 5 days everyday it gets worse. Like staring at her picture like crazy and for some reason I get really upset when she posts on her social media, I wonder why?
I am waiting for a week to pass by so I can call her. This is so unhealthy.

You mean let her wait and I shouldn't chase after her?

[once removed]

So I should act as if I am so confident that if she wants to leave she can leave and it doesn't matter.

more or less, yeah. maybe not that it doesnt matter, but that youll live. that mentality is attractive to anyone, and its healthy to live by. it says "im self reliant and self sufficient" and i dont NEED another person to survive. its strength.

And what is unclear to me I should tell her that and if she doesn't explain I shouldn't care?

i wouldnt come out and say it. actions are much stronger than words. live it. you are actually already sending that message by not chasing, begging, or pleading.

It has been like 5 days everyday it gets worse. Like staring at her picture like crazy and for some reason I get really upset when she posts on her social media, I wonder why?

thats basically what happened to me when i went through my breakup. why? because the situation is ongoing, and youre kind of in limbo. it can be incredibly anxiety inducing, and really hard, if not impossible, to get your mind off of it.

You mean let her wait and I shouldn't chase after her?

what i mean is, if she is expecting you to chase her, its typically a good thing not to, and youre not waiting forever to reach out, youre striking a balance. im saying theres no way to read her mind either way, and theres no danger in waiting a week.

[Yuu]

Once removed,

Thank you very much. I will try to do what you said. And when I contact her I will give you the feedback. I am not sure if I can mentally manage the relationship with my studies and the stress of being in the most important year in my life.

[once removed]

Yuu, it may be a really good idea to see a doctor or a therapist, especially in such a stressful time. i did, and it really helped when i was barely functional, i also tried a number of supplements that helped big time.

[Yuu]

Once removed,

Why would I go? What do I need help with?

[once removed]

there may be some depression and anxiety going on. youve indicated youre having a hard time seeing other people, for example. its really hard to do the things we need to do to take care of ourselves, to make good decisions, to see things clearly, with that going on.

additionally, the majority of members here see a therapist. its an invaluable resource, whether the relationship is saved or not.

it might be a good idea to try this test and see how you score: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

[Yuu]

Once removed, I did the test it was 65. But I don't think I need to go to therapist.

[Radcliff]

Hi Yuu,

I remember being in school, without much free time, so I would respect your decision not to see a therapist if that's what you decide.  But something to consider, even if only for the future, is to think about a therapist as a "teacher" to guide you, as opposed to a "mechanic" to fix you.  We can always use teachers.  We usually try to avoid needing mechanics!

When I was in my third year of college, I was dating a girl with BPD.  I was coming up to the most difficult exams of my life, and I told her that I needed space to study for two weeks.  (We were glued together at the hip.)  She flipped out.  I took the space I needed to protect my education.  I eventually ended up marrying her, and it worked out very well for her that I had shown strength and stuck with my studies!  You are in a special time in your life.  Maintaining your education as a priority is a good thing.

Hey, there is a book that I wanted to recommend to you.  It is not urgent, so you should wait until you have some free time, but I would highly encourage you to read, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver.  I know you are likely way too young to worry about marriage, but look at it as a guidebook for a young man who wants to understand how a healthy relationship works.  Gottman is a famous researcher who studied thousands of successful marriages.  I wish I had read the book when I was your age!  It might have set my life on a different course.

WW