My wife has enough symptoms and I’m an alcoholic

[Tocyo]

My wife and I have been together for 13yrs. I drank before we married but I would not have considered myself an alcoholic then. My girlfriend then Wife now became pregnant and I married her. We now have 3 children 12 9 8. We fought all the time about anything and  everything. I honestly thought it was me or she was just reacting to my drinking. Even though her emotions and actions were extremely dramatic. I knew something was not quite right but my family and friends saw things I was blind to. I have been sober for 3yrs now and it’s been hell dealing with her. She has no boundaries especially when it comes to the kids. I would have left her by now if it were not for the kids. Her mental abuse makes my recovery efforts extremely hard. Part of my recovery is admitting when I’m wrong and making right my wrongs making amends when needed. This does not work for her it gives her excuses to act out. . Her jealousy lately has gotten so extreme. Last weekend was the breaking point. I recorded a 26 min argument with her knowing. I sat and listen to it 4 times and could not figure out what was my part to correct. She made no since at all to me. I went to a councilor for help on what was going on. She listened to the recording and said she has a personality disorder. She could not diagnose what was going on without working with her. I left and started searching the web when I found the symptoms of BPD. It was the same feeling I had when I read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and new I was a alcoholic. We have been to 3 marriage counselors and made no progress. I ask her to go to a counselor by herself and talk but she refised. From what I have read it would be a horrible idea for me to suggest BPD as her problem. I don’t know how to handle this without it getting really messy. Even with the tools I have learned in recovery I still get sucked into her mind games. My kids hear is arguing all the time and it’s not healthy for them. It is mentally spiritually and emotionally bankrupting me and that is not good for my recovery. I just don’t know what to do

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tocyo, welcome.  It must be incredibly difficult to deal with your own recovery and the issues you are facing at home at the same time. And I can strongly relate to worrying about how the kids will be affected by what they see. It can make an already bad situation into a nightmare.

What are you doing to take care of yourself when things get too hard? And how old are your kids? Based on your living situation, do you have a means to remove them from the situation for small periods of time?

You will find lots of resources here to help give context to your situation and learn from the experience of others. I would suggest you look at the tools here to find ways both to cope with your partner's behavior as well as create more space for your personal development needs.

I think you will discover comfort and support in the community here, so please keep writing!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Tocyo,

I'd like to join RolandofEld in welcoming you.   I"m sorry that you've been going through such a hard time in your marriage but also congratulations on 3 years sober! I was an addict when I was in my young 20s and I know how hard it can be to not turn to self-medication during times of stress.

I think it's great that you are working your steps but given the aspect of BPD, is it possible to revise your steps a little. When it comes to my own boundaries I often refer to this quote: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." THe "if it is possible" part is important because sometimes it's not possible, especially when it comes to someone with BPD. Admitting your wrongs is important, but if they are being used as ammo later, can you admit them to yourself, to another friend, etc. instead of to your wife?

Have you ever looked at the steps in Al-anon? They are geared more towards the family of loved ones with alcoholism, but from what I understand they also look a lot at co-dependent behavior, which is what living with someone with BPD can do to us.