She’s not here, not there, never was

[JNChell]

I’m missing my honeymoon babe right now. I shouldn’t be, and that’s why I’m here typing. I read and bookmarked a post by, I’m assuming an old poster, 2010. It was reposted by a recent member. Is it really possible that we fell in love with our reflection? That we fell in love with ourselves because someone mirrored it back? That is the folklore of narcissism. I’m a Harry Potter fan, and there is a mirror in the story that serves the same purpose. I’m realizing and accepting that I could fix everything, was in fact narcissistic thinking. I’m not even well. How can I fix anyone. Even if I was, I can’t fix anyone. You know, I want out of this “fixer” mentality. I have brought more undue stress on myself by not worrying more about myself. For once I’m not feeling so selfish about that. I chose to give up most of my identity with my ex. All in pursuit of more abuse.  The bargaining is coming to an end. There’s sadness attached to it. The letting go. I miss my honeymoon babe.

[savreina]

I miss mine too, but time will continue to pass & the feeling of missing them will eventually fade. Maybe we fell in love with the potential of them being who we wanted them to be

[JNChell]

I believe that there is truth in that, from a FOO perspective. We wanted them to end up being pleased with us. We wanted the corrective outcome that we can only find at our core. Regardless of any of it right now, I miss her. I’m going to lay down and be with it. I’m going to think about it. I’m going to allow sleep to overtake it. Christ, I feel crazy just by reading my words.

[Aiko]

Take it easy on yourself. You were fooled we were all fooled to a degree. Try not to overanalyze it and yourself. Ask yourself this-- were you relatively normal and sound before you met this one? If yes, you will get back there, just give it some time to play itself out. It's what I tell myself everyday,  believe in yourself, she will pass and you will find normal balance again. In the meantime stop overanalyzing so much and go enjoy life, take her for what she was, a bad blip on the big radar screen of life.

[once removed]

its not a notion that rings true for me, and it always struck me as a little bit convenient. there were lots of things i liked and loved about my ex, including things i would look for in my next serious relationship. likewise, there were lots of things i was determined to change or approach differently, about myself, in my next serious relationship.

the kernel of truth (which is touched on in the same post) is that i had a high need to be mirrored. its why the breakup/rejection hurt as much as it did.

its worth noting though, that "mirroring" is a concept that facilitates bonding. it is crucial to receive in our early development. validating someones pain, laughing at their joke, looking them in the eye when they speak and nodding, these things are all mirroring. we often think of mirroring as "being a copycat" or having shared interests, both of which are pretty normal especially in the early stages of a relationship.

in my case, my ex mirrored back all of the reasons i wanted to be loved and believed i should be, that was very powerful, and i over invested in it.

regarding a fixer mentality, its cool that youre digging into that. i was over investing in that area too! what ive come to realize is that i do like helping others, and thats a good thing, but youre very right that we cant "fix" or "change" anyone. having a good grasp on your boundaries and those of others, helping without trying to "fix", you may find lends itself to better helping support others.