parent with BPD

[Cancun]

I'm trying to find some help - have a parent with BPD.  I'm an adult, and I haven't found much help, usually comments are geared to children who have a BPD parent.  But I could use some support as an adult... .have I found the right place?

[Turkish]

 Hi Cancun,

The members here are all over 18. This is where we can support you. 

What's going on?

Turkish

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Cancun,

You've found the right place--what brings you here? You'll find many other adults here who grew up with BPD parents and are working on making their lives better.

[DaughterofBPDmum]

Hi Cancun, 

You have found the right place. Welcome, feel free to ask questions

Best wishes,

[Merike65]

Hi Cancun,

I have an uBPD mom and just joined myself. There are quite a few of us here. Welcome!

Merike65

[Cancun]

Thanks.  Most posts I've read are about children with BPD parents, but having such a parent can do a number on you all your life, and the parent can still get to you when you are an adult.

My parent will call me, say he wants to come visit, do x, y, z when here, then two days later tells me that I tricked him, paints me as being conniving and sinister.  I just wanted to know if there are other adults still dealing with BPD attacks out there, even from aging parents, and connect with them.  Because it's still confusing, and it still hurts.

[phantomglitter]

Thanks.  Most posts I've read are about children with BPD parents, but having such a parent can do a number on you all your life, and the parent can still get to you when you are an adult.

My parent will call me, say he wants to come visit, do x, y, z when here, then two days later tells me that I tricked him, paints me as being conniving and sinister.  I just wanted to know if there are other adults still dealing with BPD attacks out there, even from aging parents, and connect with them.  Because it's still confusing, and it still hurts.

YES! If you're interested I posted my most recent story (it's a little long) on this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321079.0

I've recently started trying to set some boundaries with my BPD mom. Taking care of yourself needs to come first, even though you've probably lived your life around this parent for years. Saying no is not easy, for you or for them. Things will get worse before they get better. I'm in the thick of it right now. But you deserve happiness. You deserve to live a life that is about YOU.

[Cancun]

Thanks everybody.  Don't know where to start.  My mom died and my dad instantly (within days) found someone on the internet and married them.  You can tell that she is a narcissist from 10 miles away - I call her the Queen.  Worst case I've ever seen (not that I have that much experience).  Dad is the barnacle.  He and the Queen have moved away from her family and his.  The Queen won't let him talk on the phone to me, so he sneaks out and calls when she is away.  She buys them matching clothes.  On vacation, her leg hurt so my dad couldn't leave the resort to sightsee - had to stay with her - she wouldn't enjoy herself reading a book in a lounge chair and let him see the sights.  She in hospital for minor surgery and he stays in hospital - never leaves, overnight, says  there was a minor complication and "we" have to be in the hospital an extra day.  I said 'no, SHE is in the hospital and must stay an extra day, it's not We."  I did not notice this while my mother was alive.  I feel as though both my parents died.  SO I have many questions, but here is question #1.  I know that he is relieved and happy due to his EXTREME neediness.  But deep down (is there a deep down?) does he realize that she is awful and he is unhappy?  I'll get to the other questions later... .

[zachira]

You are not alone in having to deal with a mother that does not respect your boundaries, and continually causes you pain and anguish. It is natural to want for this to end. This board has many people who are very supportive because they know what it is like to have to deal with a parent who never gives up on being in control, no matter how much you protest this type of treatment. My mother is 98, and she still wants to be in charge of my life. Setting better boundaries with her can help you to feel better, though be prepared for her to fight you all the way. The reward for me in setting better boundaries with self and others, is that I am attracting nicer people into my life, and the people who are not so nice want less and less to do with me.
Let us know what is helpful. You are welcome to post at any time. We are here to listen. Let us know what you need. Do you want us to listen to your story, and nothing more for the moment? Do you want us to share our experiences? Is is okay to give you advice and if so what kind of advice would you like? We are here for you. Take care.

[Cancun]

Thanks Zachira.  It's my dad with suspected BPD.  What I'm looking for are answers to try to make sense of what I've been through.  I have about 10 questions, and I wanted to post them one at a time, the first one being my post above.  Question 1:  does the BPD person realize that the narcissist to whom he/she is barnacled is an unpleasant narcissist?  I know that the BPD person doesn't like himself (or even have a sense of self, hence they glob onto a narcissist) - but I want to know, as my first question, does the BPD person actively hate the narcissist?  Does he find this person as odious as the rest of us do?  Or does he really believe that the miserable hag is a wondrous Queen?

My first questions concern the BPD person so I can understand that better.  Then I'll move on to how to deal with it.  Thanks!

[zachira]

BPDs and Narcissists often attract each other. You might read the book: "The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple." Narcissists and Borderlines lack an integrated sense of self and they generally lack most of the time awareness about how their behavior affects others, and who their partner really is. My father excused my mother's borderline and narcissistic behaviors probably because he felt better married to my mother, who could be extremely charming, at times, than alone. My father had a very controlling mother, lived at home until his early forties, and getting married was a great relief to him. Also, being a man, he was able to compartmentalize his relationship with my mother: In other words, he did not dwell on the bad times, when he was away from her, and he was around mostly when she was better behaved, though he did try to get her to go to therapy when I was a teenager, and of course, she refused. My mother always talked behind my father's back about how unhappy she was with the marriage, and how she  would like to get a divorce, even though my father did everything to please her. I hope this is in someway helpful. It is so painful and hard to understand how a parent would tolerate the type of relationship you are describing. I am sorry that your father hurt you so badly by remarrying so quickly and to someone who acts so badly. Keep up posted and let us know how we can help!

[pbnjsandwich]

 
Wecome! Yes, I'm an adult with a BPD parent.
Mary