My H Delusions Really Make Me Sad For Him

[Depression = 72% of members]

This morning, my H randomly asked me if I ever feel like 2 different people live inside me and move parts of my body without my choice. He said that sometimes he feels like his right and left side of his body are two different beings. So when he is standing with his legs in two different positions and did not choose to set his legs that way that the other "thing" inside himself was controlling that leg. I immediately realized that some sort of disassociation or fluid sense of self was happening and tried to just ask him some validating questions about it. He said he thinks about this often.

Then he began trying to convince me for 20 minutes about the validity of it by using examples of stubbing your toe, or when people say "I forgot what I was doing", or "I didn't realize I did that". He would ask me my opinion and when I gave another reason for it, he started to get agitated. I realized that this line of thought was going downhill and just went back to asking him questions instead of answering his. When he would require an answer from me, I would just respond with "I don't know. You might be right." That's my vague go to answer when he gets like this. It seems to work well because it's not acknowledging that what he says is true and it's not disagreeing with him either.

It just makes me so sad for him when he gets like this. I think his mind knows that what he is saying doesn't make sense but he can't help but believe it because it's what he is experiencing. These delusions are usually stress induced. He is stressing about work because for the month he is having to work lots of evenings and overnights. Not only is it a change in schedule but a change in sleep patterns.

I always worry when he gets like this. Today it is a positive delusion. If his mood turns south, then the negative delusions can get pretty scary. I just don't know what to do to help lead him out of these thoughts. Or is there anything I can do?

[Tattered Heart]

This morning, my H randomly asked me if I ever feel like 2 different people live inside me and move parts of my body without my choice. He said that sometimes he feels like his right and left side of his body are two different beings. So when he is standing with his legs in two different positions and did not choose to set his legs that way that the other "thing" inside himself was controlling that leg. I immediately realized that some sort of disassociation or fluid sense of self was happening and tried to just ask him some validating questions about it. He said he thinks about this often.

Then he began trying to convince me for 20 minutes about the validity of it by using examples of stubbing your toe, or when people say "I forgot what I was doing", or "I didn't realize I did that". He would ask me my opinion and when I gave another reason for it, he started to get agitated. I realized that this line of thought was going downhill and just went back to asking him questions instead of answering his. When he would require an answer from me, I would just respond with "I don't know. You might be right." That's my vague go to answer when he gets like this. It seems to work well because it's not acknowledging that what he says is true and it's not disagreeing with him either.

It just makes me so sad for him when he gets like this. I think his mind knows that what he is saying doesn't make sense but he can't help but believe it because it's what he is experiencing. These delusions are usually stress induced. He is stressing about work because for the month he is having to work lots of evenings and overnights. Not only is it a change in schedule but a change in sleep patterns.

I always worry when he gets like this. Today it is a positive delusion. If his mood turns south, then the negative delusions can get pretty scary. I just don't know what to do to help lead him out of these thoughts. Or is there anything I can do?

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[lighthouse9]

Hey TH,

I feel for you - and have been recently seeing this with my W as well. I had NO idea how much it was making her suffer, because before it was kind of a sci fi/belief in alternate universes kind of thing and I thought it was pretty cool that she could feel things outside of right now. She did a bunch of drugs growing up and told me once that doing drugs makes you realize that what we think of is real is just an illusion, because drugs open you up to other realities. Now, I'm a Christian, and I totally understand that some of my beliefs are odd and radical to people (I mean really, a guy was raised from the dead and is God?). So, I've always taken a level of relativism with her and the whole alternate universe thing, plus I'm a big sci fi fan so the idea of an alternative universe is really entertaining to me.

She one day woke up this summer and told me that she died in an alternative universe the night before. She described it and told me about knowing that that version of her was gone. Again, I just kind of went with it and validated it and we had an interesting conversation about it. Then, again a few months ago, after attending a sci fi convention, she told me about leaving her body and feeling like she was in another universe again, so to maybe be patient with her. I said ok, are you feeling ok? She said yes, it's not a bad thing, I just know I'm not here right now. I said ok, well I'll try to be patient and you try to tell me what you need and I'll look forward to having you back. I know, sounds nuts - but again, I just saw it as a spirituality thing and went with it.

Now, I can see the significance of the timing of both events. This summer, the experience was right around a time that she was having feelings for someone at work and was struggling to not feel like I was abandoning her in our marriage because I was working on a big project. The time a few months ago, was days after she had gotten drunk and let a different coworker kiss her, and she would later continue that affair with him. The dissociation wasn't a spiritual thing - it was a response to a high level of stress, just like you said with your H.

More recently, as she's started reading about BPD and letting herself think about it as something she's dealing with, she told me that she's been dissociating a lot and has been asking me a lot about reality and telling me that she doesn't feel like she knows what reality is. It made me so sad - especially to hear her use the word dissociating. It was no longer a fun spiritual adventure thing. It was a mental health thing.

She tends to go on what she calls "adventures," which are her way of saying "I want to go out and turn my phone off and come home when I feel like it and not tell you where I am." I've made it clear several times that this level of off the grid behavior didn't feel safe and made me feel like she wasn't protecting our marriage. I can now see that her impulse to go on these adventures were her way of dissociating without me seeing it. I told her that I didn't like that she would go out and act unmarried. She said "It's not about being unmarried, it's just about being myself for a little bit." How could I argue with that? But still, it never felt right that as a married woman she had to go out to bars alone, let people buy her drinks, and live in a different world for a little bit. When she would do it, I always felt a piece of our trust decay and it was always so hard not to stay up all night worrying about her and even harder to let her back into our bed.

Now that I'm seeing the dissociation and witnessing it first hand, I can't help but feel what you said: sad. It breaks my heart. It also concerns me. If her work knew that she was dissociating, she wouldn't be allowed to do what she does. I'm so afraid that she's going to get herself into trouble or do something really harmful at work if one of these spells happens at the wrong time (they have happened at work, but not in a high risk scenario yet). I can only hope that someone else can see this and steps in, because I've already raised my concerns and she won't hear it. So, I'll just have to be sad.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. I had a positive moment a few nights ago, when she started to dissociate in front of me and looked up and said "I don't know what's real anymore." I pointed to a moment earlier that morning, when she found out that her dad was going to take her and her sister and brother on vacation to a place they used to go as kids, before her parents divorced. She was so joyful that she cried and she even let me hold her for a second while she cried and expressed her joy. I wanted to cry with her, it was so beautiful to see her really feel something and express the "right" emotion with it. So, later that night when she said "I don't know what's real anymore" I said "remember your joy this morning, that was real" and she cried a little bit again and said "yes, that was real." I then just said "hey, you're capable of feeling "real" and being here. It won't happen always but you won't dissociate always either. But don't forget about those moments when you're right here, let them be your guiding lights back." She liked that and said "that's so wise" and really settled down.

I think the big deal is whether or not the person is distressed or not by the dissociation. Like I said, I think my W sometimes really enjoyed hers and so no amount of me saying "hey, come back here" was going to be positive. Good luck to you TH, it is sad, and certainly not easy. Great work validating him - I know that's not easy either.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi TH, first that is really hard and scary to deal with and so sorry you have to cope with your husband's delusional behavior. Agree with lighthouse9 that you do a really great job validating him. That must take a lot of emotional strength.

I don't think it's your job to lead him out of these thoughts, even though it might make the situation better for you. When it's a positive delusion, I think you do the right thing by validating and letting him say what he needs. But when it's negative, is the delusion focused on you? Does it lead to threatening / abusive behavior? Is there any way to remove yourself from the situation without it escalating? (I know its rarely that easy).

I would say my wife's BPD only reaches the level of delusion once in a while, usually during an extinction burst, and those can be the scariest times of all. During those times I try to hold strongly to my own reality and see her illness for what it is.

It's so scary sometimes. These days I look at her face and see things inside I never saw before, or understood.

[Tattered Heart]

When it's a negative delusion it just takes a dark turn. We are in another dimension. Mandela Effect is real. He starts to think about violent things, like killing cops and the world ending. It gets manic, frantic, and obsessive.

Usually once it gets to this fever pitch if I don't buy into it then he begins to tell me that he thinks I'm a robot or that I don't have a mind of my own. He has accused me of being a part of the conspiracy. Like you lighthouse I've always enjoyed learning about these conspiracies and ideas, until I realized what they really were.

Thankfully he only gets really bad a couple times a year. He isn't at a bad place right now but I can tell his mood is tracking downward because he is listening to violent and anti-Christian music.