How Do You Balance Life?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there. I’m not sure if I am in the right place.
My wife suffers from BPD.
We have a good relationship but I was just looking for an outlet or for some advice for the times I get stuck when trying to help her.
Was looking to hear from people who deal with the same situations I do and to speak to people I think I would have a lot in common with.

[Thejones]

Hi there. I’m not sure if I am in the right place.
My wife suffers from BPD.
We have a good relationship but I was just looking for an outlet or for some advice for the times I get stuck when trying to help her.
Was looking to hear from people who deal with the same situations I do and to speak to people I think I would have a lot in common with.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Thejones and welcome to the family!   Here you can absolutely find a place to seek advice and support.  

We all get very stuck when trying to help or interact with our partners with BPD and it can be extremely frustrating. How did you discover your wife suffers from BPD and how long have you been aware of this? Does she believe she has BPD, and if so has she sought treatment?

I came here last October quite afraid and confused the board has been the greatest support I've found since then. I suggest you get started by exploring the various conversation threads and here and seeing where you have common ground (you will probably find a lot of places).

Posting on other threads is another great way of engaging with people here and gaining context for your own situation.

ROE  

[Thejones]

Thanks for the kind welcome RolandOfEld.

She has recently been diagnosed by her mental health team with BPD. Some days she accepts it and others she prefers to ignore it.

She has (for the moment) a large group that helps her out. She has a CPN, psychiatrist and a psychologist. They work together to help her out.
She has previously been diagnosed with depression,anxiety and OCD but they feel this is a more suitable diagnosis.
She has recently came off her medication and is focusing on talking therapy. She has good spells and bad spells. She is highly functioning and recently got a new job.
Bad times have put her in hospital 3 times with prescription med overdoses.
How do you balance life? I feel that in order to keep her ‘leveled’ I need to take on all the responsibilities of the house and children which can be tiring.
Jones

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that things have been so tough for you. It sounds like she has a great team of people to help her through moments. What kind of team do you have for helping you? And if it's not there, who can you enlist?

The burden of caring for everything would be a heavy one indeed.

This would be a great place to look at:

what is her responsibility and what is yours?
What is she capable of doing for herself and what is she incapable of doing?
(Perhaps you can make your list with answers here on this board and we can go through them)

It's in those answers that you will find the balance.

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks for the details, Thejones. Maintaining balance can be so difficult, I totally understand. My wife is usually an extremely organized and effective mother and head of household. But when she emotionally dysregulates, she might suddenly skip out on everything and I have to pick it up, including the childcare.

Do you take on all the responsibilities because she tells you to or because she just leaves?

Right now for me the most important thing is trying to stay emotionally stable, which can very hard sometimes since I have my own issues. Sometimes I take the pressure out on the kids, which is not OK. I'm trying to remind myself that I can't face all the things I do and be cheerful YouTube Superdad. I just need to make sure they are safe and taken care of and what needs to get done gets done. This takes off some of the pressure.   

It's great that your wife has so much support. I think Tattered Heart makes a great point of asking who your team is. I have a team that helps me stay balanced when things at home go chaotic. They are:

- bpdfamily
- my counselor (I'm not actively seeing her but she'll get on the phone with me from time to time)
- my company's free help line (it's the same person and we've been in contact for 6 months)

Since I do not want to talk about the situation with friends or family it's essential to have someone to talk to for support.

[Thejones]

I would say I do most of the household work. Cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. Can get a bit overwhelming sometimes. I started doing it all to let my wife focus on herself and just get her own life into some sort of organised state.
I guess I take on the brunt of the work because if she gets in anyway stressed or overwhelmed then she just shuts down completely and ends up going to bed anyway so it seems like it’s easier if I just do it.
She does however deal with the financial side of things - I am completely useless at all that. I have no idea who we even have a mortgage with . She keeps us ticking over that way so I really do appreciate that.
rolandofeld I sometimes do get a bit over stressed. Especially in the morning with getting both young boys ready and out to school and nursery. End up giving my self a hard time if I forget a bag or a snack. But as you said I’m not super Dad and I guess we do have to lower the standards of ourselves considering we are taking on so much.
I am having a particularly good day where I don’t see anything a big stress or hassle but some times it does just get too much.
I don’t really have much help in terms of family. My best friend is also my wife’s brother and we do a lot together. He makes sure I get a bit of time out away from the house but often I end up watching my phone a lot because I usually get a text or phone call to say how stressful things are at home without me. And this isn’t because my boys are hard work in anyway. The opposite infact. They are awesomely behaved. But I think we take advantage of doing basic tasks and not getting over emotional.
If I do get the time I like to go to the gym - although I’m not very healthy - but it does give me an hour where I’m not getting asked to do something.
Also work is a bit of an escape. I’m a high school teacher and love what I do every day.

What do you guys do to relax?
Do you also love that point in the evening where everyone else is asleep and no one is asking for you to do anything? Embarrassing to say it but I think that point where the house is silent is my favourite part of the day.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Thejones, my wife is totally down on the finances, too, which can be a problem when she dysregulates and suddenly my account is empty, haha.

Understand the need to keep things in order. That said, do you think there are some things you can leave for your wife to take of care of to decrease your stress and bit and make her take on more responsibility?

I have made exercise and huge priority this year and stuck to it. I used to drop my gym session every time she got angry out of guilt and thinking I shouldn't take care of myself. But getting in shape has given me a lot more energy and strength to cope with things.

Oh goodness I love that moment where everyone is asleep but me. I love my d2 and s4 to death but yeah. It's winter where I am now so I often take a hot bath and just enjoy it. When the kids are up showers are a hurried affair.