Just an analysis of my own emotions.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This post is more for myself just kind of analyzing my emotions. Thought I’d share them though.

Since the break up. I have been on a crazy roller coaster ride. Initially, I was suicidal and I would have done anything to get her back, but it made me so angry. I threw a brush across the room so hard it dented the wall. I would snap at my family from anything remotely irritating. 

I used to be such a happy person and I miss that. I always thought everyone was so pure.  Now I find myself painting people black so quickly. I trust my gut feeling more and more. I’m getting much better at it at least. It still needs some fine tuning.

I don’t know why but at times I still long for her when I shouldn’t.My snapping has lessened, but my emotions go off in spurts. I sometimes wonder if I’m bipolar and feel as though she gave it to me.

 When I feel like I’ve been wronged I feel like I try to hard to make it right and it just backfires on me and is worse.  I feel like my thinking is all off.

I just want to get back to the time before I met her so I didn’t feel like this.  It’s def better than it was 3 years ago, but I still suffer.

[Shedd]

This post is more for myself just kind of analyzing my emotions. Thought I’d share them though.

Since the break up. I have been on a crazy roller coaster ride. Initially, I was suicidal and I would have done anything to get her back, but it made me so angry. I threw a brush across the room so hard it dented the wall. I would snap at my family from anything remotely irritating. 

I used to be such a happy person and I miss that. I always thought everyone was so pure.  Now I find myself painting people black so quickly. I trust my gut feeling more and more. I’m getting much better at it at least. It still needs some fine tuning.

I don’t know why but at times I still long for her when I shouldn’t.My snapping has lessened, but my emotions go off in spurts. I sometimes wonder if I’m bipolar and feel as though she gave it to me.

 When I feel like I’ve been wronged I feel like I try to hard to make it right and it just backfires on me and is worse.  I feel like my thinking is all off.

I just want to get back to the time before I met her so I didn’t feel like this.  It’s def better than it was 3 years ago, but I still suffer.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Shedd,

Thanks for sharing this. I can relate to the hair-trigger responding, and right after my breakup, I’d say I was feeling almost paranoid that people were out to hurt me.  . Very strange stuff, and unlike me.

During the last 3 years, have you had professional support? I found it helped me see things more clearly.

In my experience, these events take time and effort to get out of our system. I don’t know if we can go back, per se, but we change and grow.

heartandwhole  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Shedd-
I'm sorry.  And I understand.  I feel a LOT like you do a LOT of the time.  I no longer know where I fit in, what I'm doing, if anything I have to say is worth saying or hearing.  My inside anger rises and falls (mostly stays inside) and although I am with my BPD BF, our tide has turned... .

For the last several months, since I found my "voice" with him, it's as if he's me and I'm him.  I don't rage, but neither does he.  He bends over backwards to please me.  I feel that he's almost afraid there's something inside me that's going to explode onto him and tell him to leave for good.  But this trend could reverse tonight.

Did I cure him and "catch" what he has?  I don't understand what has happened... .

The best I can offer is maybe start to journal to work through some of your emotions.  That really helped me during the extremes of our relationship, and during the aftermath of my prior divorce.  Try NOT to think about what you're writing... .just allow the words to pour from your fingers... .no editing, no nothing.  Then if you want feedback and companionship, you can safely post those stream of consciousness feelings here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shedd]

During the last 3 years, have you had professional support? I found it helped me see things more clearly.

I’ve tried, but it never seems to help. I feel guarded like I can’t really open up to my therapist.  They seem so judgmental to me and my therapist just keeps telling me the same advice over and over. You need to cut her out of your life (Which I finally did). I’ve been around to a few different ones too.

One of them asked me why i was crying. I have very bad social anxiety. So bad it makes me shakes and cry sometimes. I have improved over the years and am a lot better, but when I’m expressing my feelings especially to a stranger it is the worst feeling and gives me so much anxiety.

I have to really trust you in order to open up like that. I just can’t get back trusting any of my therapist because they should be the most understanding out of anyone, but they really don’t seem like they are!

They just give their best advice to help me, and that’s fine, but we’re all human and each one of us is different. I shouldn’t have to go NC if I don’t want to and I don’t want to hear it every time I talk to my therapist about my ex. If I want to go NC I will do it when I think it’s right.

I’m a huge lover. I tend to love everyone so much so when I break away from someone it really tares me apart so it’s reallt hard for me to go NC. I’m not good at letting go. Lucky for me m ex decided to do us both a favor.

[heartandwhole]

Shedd, I’m sorry that you haven’t experienced a good fit with your therapists. I can understand your reluctance to open up.

I hope you won’t give up, though. Sometimes the best therapists are the ones we weren’t really looking for, but found at the right time. In the meantime, have you considered talking to a therapist-in- training at a nearby university or something like that? You might have some luck, and it probably wouldn’t cost much, if anything.

What do you think you might be able to change in your thinking or behavior to help you trust people more?

I’m not good at letting go of people either. But then there comes the time when staying hurts more than leaving, and then I find the strength. You were kind of forced to accept the end of your relationship. If you see that as an unintended blessing, that sounds pretty accepting and mature to me.

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shedd,

It's really positive that you chose to share your feelings here.  Perhaps this forum fits well with your social anxiety and allows you to share more easily?  Good on you for taking time to step back and assess how you have been feeling.   

I am also sorry to hear that you have had poor experiences with therapists.  Being able to express how you feel in a safe environment is a right and rapport is the most important aspect of any therapeutic relationship.  I agree with Heart on not giving up.  If you try someone out and it's a bad fit, don't persist.  Usually you should find that a first meeting to talk about what you're aiming for should be enough to give you a good indication of if there is any rapport there.  Do therapists offer a free initial session where you are?  I have also met with a counsellor in the past whom I knew straight away I wouldn't gel with, so I didn't continue with them. 

I wonder if it is worth being very specific when you seek out support, to ensure that the individual is experience with social anxiety and also has experience with BPD.  This could help you to rule out some non runners and allow you to hopefully find the right person.  Having someone who understands and can listen to you is very valuable.  Meantime, you always have us here. 

Love and light x 

[enlighten me]

Hi Shedd

Been there got the t shirt. I used to wander through life not thinking everyone was good just not realising there were bad people in the world too. My two uBPD relationships have opened my eyes and like you at first I was jumping at shadows and seeing disorders everywhere.

Now Ive come to realise that yes there are bad people and disordered people all around me but they cant effect me if I don't let them. Ive not shut myself away ive just become more selective of my interactions. Ive got a great social network and get out a quite bit. I no longer feel any anxiety if I don't go out. I used to feel that I was missing out if I didn't. I guess I'm not as involved with people as I was and spend more time doing what I like.

In all honesty I feel the most centred that I ever have.