BPD Mom and upcoming wedding

[ziggy1018]

Hello all,

I cannot believe I didn't find this sooner.  I am a 28 y/o with an undiagnosed BPD mother who also has some narcissistic traits.  Possible there is a personality disorder NOS diagnosis more fitting.  I am getting married in a few months and my parents are in the middle of a divorce.  The divorce proceedings have been at a standstill because she refuses to present at my wedding as divorced.  She absolutely refuses to engage appropriately with me throughout this whole process (really throughout my whole life, as I'm sure most of you understand).  From getting engaged, her response was underwhelming - she was convinced I intentionally called her last, even though I had called earlier after the engagement and she didn't answer.  She has shown zero excitement/initiative/investment, etc. into the process.  I KNOW that I shouldn't expect anything from her during this time given her disorder, but it has just been so hurtful.  My fiance has a difficult time understanding our relationship, so he tends to stay out of it.

I just feel so lost.  I struggle often with wanting to maintain a relationship with her, as she is my mother, and cutting her out of my life because she is so toxic.  Setting boundaries works, to the extent that she then simply will not communicate with me at all.  For example, my adult sister was recently "missing" (she went to the hospital), and my mother called me 8 times.  I knew my sister was fine, and had spoken to her personally.  But my mother wanted to know what was going on, every detail.  I ignored her calls and responded with a text that stated that my sister would contact her if/when she's ready.  I haven't heard from her since, with the exception of the obligatory "Merry Christmas" text messages.

I'm hoping to get some guidance and learn to set better boundaries.  I recently moved and started a new job (talk about some major life stressors), so I am hopeful to find a new therapist soon, as I left the one I had been seeing at home.

I appreciate any guidance!

Thank you.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi ziggy,

Welcome!   You've found the right place for support, as everyone here has a loved one with BPD.

It's tough when you're anticipating something happy, like a wedding and an upcoming marriage, but you're met with indifference or anger from family. I can see how you'd be torn about how to respond to your mother's behavior since the engagement.

Setting boundaries is a very healthy thing to do--it can be difficult, but it does give you the space to ensure that your needs are met, and at the same time respecting your mother (even though she may not see it that way). Have you had a chance to look here? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries There are some tactics here that I've used at times with my BPD mother. I'm glad to hear that you're looking for a therapist (or "T" as we call them here). That's a safe place for you to work through your stress and emotions.

What role, if any, do you want your mother to have in the wedding and beyond? What are some boundaries that you can set to help you feel more comfortable?

We're here for you--I know this is tough stuff, but reaching out here is a great way to get some of your frustration out and get advice from others who understand. 

[GreenRoad]

Welcome! I’m sorry to hear about your struggles during your wedding planning, and I can definitely relate. I think weddings can be one of the biggest trigger points for BPD moms simply because it is an event that really solidifies the fact you have your own life and are doing your own thing so to speak.

My mom was a witch during my wedding planning process a few years ago. She went out of her way to make herself unavailable when I was dress shopping and then was incredibly upset when my best friend, sister in law, and mother in law were there when I found “the one.” She did make it to my final fitting and the first words out of her mouth were, “I just don’t feel emotional about this, I guess I should, but I just don’t.” I’ve always struggled with body image, and she certainly didn’t make me feel beautiful or bridal on that day. At other points during the wedding planning process, my now husband had a “You know what. . . “ conversation with her because she was trying to make it all about her, and she succeeded in guilting us in to inviting three of her friends we’d never met to our wedding with less than 50 guests. My parents had been divorced for about three years when I got married, and my mom and her friends all had very rude things to say about my dad on the day of the wedding.

Ultimately I did have an incredible wedding day though because I became fiercely protective of it and just set a hard line within myself that I wouldn’t let my mom ruin it for us. My husband and I paid for everything on our own, so she couldn’t hold that over our heads, and our other friends and family members were so supportive. I do sometimes wish we had been able to have that fun wedding mother/daughter bonding time though so that’s rough to think about.

I guess my best advice is to lean on your family and friends that are supportive and know that it’s ok to make this time about you and your future husband. You two are the ones getting married, not your mom. Setting boundaries is extremely challenging, but necessary. I’m reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and have learned about some great skills in that regard. I really do understand how hurt you feel regarding your Mom’s lack of caring and excitement during one of the happiest times of your life. And logically we know our mothers are toxic but it’s not as easy to decide on cutting them out completely. My husband has been so supportive regarding the struggles I’ve had with my mom. He often says I was programmed using guilt all my life to placate to my mom. I think this is true for all children of BPD parents and healing takes time, but we will get there.

I wish you the best with your new location and new job. Remember healing takes time and to care for yourself first before all else. You are definitely not alone!

[HappyChappy]

Hi Ziggy

You may know this, but a BPD wants to be centre of attention, so will get jealous of your wedding. Just see the Wedding episodes on Everybody loves Raymond which are about his own BPD family wedding debacle (but also very funny). So I would suggest having minder for your mother at the ceremony, or ensuring she is engages in a task of "importance" that keeps her busy.

My sister didn't invite our BPD. I invited her  just to stop her banging on about it. She duely sabotaged our wedding and then kept banging on about how my sisters wedding was really the one she had wanted to go to, the special one, not mine. .

You shouldn't have to be worry about your BPD on your day, you will be too distracted, which is a golden opportunity for a BPD to play their games. One boundary is information. You mentioned how hungry for information your BPD, that because every lie they tell is woven on a shred of truth. They need the information to do their tricks and form their excuses. So information on a need to know basis only.

Also my sister told everyone after the wedding they were married. My BPD mom cancelled our wedding photographer on the day (to save money). But they were a friend so called us to check . I'm sure if you manage the situation, and cut down your BPD options, it will be a great day. How exciting.   

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome!   

I can very much relate to your post, and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of that.  My uBPD mother was terrible during my engagement/wedding.  It began with her trying to convince my husband (then fiance) he was making a mistake.  She also acted totally uninterested and unsupportive during the whole process but then was upset when I didn't include her in things (like wedding dress shopping).  She then proceeded to change her mind repeatedly over the final few months of my engagement as to whether she would even attend the wedding as an effort to get me to beg her to come (which was not happening... .).  Wedding planning is stressful enough without the added drama they inject!  And it sounds like with a recent move and new job, you have more than enough on your plate.

Boundary setting is hard.  I found with my mom that I would set a boundary (example - not always answering the phone when she calls or immediately answering texts/emails) and she would repeatedly walk over it thinking it was not important.  When she'd realize that I was serious, she would then go into a rage and say anything nasty thing she could think of in response.  In the past, I would always fight back when she did that, but after learning about BPD and starting therapy, I realized that I was just fueling the fire by doing that.  When I stopped responding to those behaviors, she then just stopped communicating at all for a while.  She'd then, in a couple weeks, would send a message as though nothing had happened.  I'd respond to the message, and the cycle would repeat.  I gave an inch and she'd take a mile, and I am now NC (no contact) with her because of that.  It sucks, but right now it's what's best for me and my mental health. 

My suggestion with boundary setting is to sit down and think about what you will and won't accept in terms of her and her behavior.  Making a list helps visualize and solidify your needs.  Then, when situations arise, you can refer back to that list and decide how you will proceed based on that.  It helps to stick to it when have it in writing and can refer back to it when you need to.  There will always be things that take you by surprise, at least to a degree, but setting a general framework will help you make decisions in those odd-ball situations too. 

It sounds to me like you are already on the right track in terms of setting boundaries.  What you did regarding your sister was perfect.  Trying to triangulate and get information about someone else through you is not acceptable, and it was totally reasonable for you to say so.  Unfortunately, you can't control her reaction to your boundary.  If she then decides to not speak to you, there's nothing you can do about that.  When you set a boundary for yourself, you have to be prepared for that boundary to not "work" for the other person and they cut you out because of it (at least temporarily).  It's hard, especially when you want to have a relationship with her.  But, after a childhood of thinking of her first, it's time to think about you and your needs.  This is a very exciting time in your life and you should be able to be fully present in those moments instead of focused on her and her feelings.  The world doesn't revolve around her, even if she thinks it does and we're programmed to believe it to be true   Enjoy this time with your future husband - it'll be past in the blink of an eye!

Glad you found this board - it has been so helpful for me over the years, hopefully it will be for you too.