Missing my BPD X girlfriend so bad it hurts

[AIGcraig]

I'm a horrible writer I apologize up front.

I never heard of a Borderline or BPD.  I'm 50 she is 43. We met in 06/2016 and I fell in love with her in 8 weeks.  My God did we have some good times. I loved her like no other.  We had a great relationship.  After 9 months or so I saw a huge difference in her personality. We never lived together but did spend a lot of nights at each others homes.  The relationship changed but we still loved each other.  She taught me to be dramatic, she taught me to be hostile and I was never that way.  I was a SUPERIOR positive person and I became negative.  When she was hostile I gave it back to her.  She now was telling me all the time, You can do so much better than me, I know you will leave me one day, I know you have other girlfriends, I know you cheat on me.  It hurt so bad to hear those things.  I never betrayed her one time.  I had to show her phone records, text messages to prove to her I'm monogamous and the great guy she fell in love with.  Yes I'm not perfect but I'm a GREAT GUY! I was fighting to prove her wrong all the time.

She broke up with me a dozen times and after a few days of me begging she came back to me.  I supported her and her 15 year old daughter financially in the 19 months.  I gave her over $24,000 in cash to pay her bills and credit cards and tons of gifts, vacations, jewelry, events.  It didn't phase me a bit and I still don't care.  I loved her and I could afford it.  We had a blast!

4 weeks ago we agreed to individual counseling,  She went one time I go twice a week.  My therapist gave me the book Walking On Eggshells, told me to read articles about BPD.  Wow I'm in love with a borderline.  I can do this!  I can adapt.
Nope.  She was 100 times worst because of me going to counseling.  She stepped it up a notch!

She now wanted 19 months of bank statements, 19 months of credit card statements and all my savings account information.  She said I know you are supporting another woman I need to see all your records.  I put my foot down and said NO!  Then it just got worst.  She said you are off the hook I don't want to lose you, that didn't last long.  She left me and I stopped responding.  My therapist said IT WILL NEVER ENOUGH!  She asked me to work it out, 2 hours later screw off.  The insults of going to have sex with other men just kept on coming. I'm a loser, I'm a fake keep hiding.  She was killing me wither her emails.  She always blocks me on her cell phone when she is mad, this time it was 2 weeks.  Emails only I was responding to very few.  It was bad I knew it was over.  I had a CEASE AND DESIST email typed up for a few days in my drafts just waiting praying I would never have to send it.

Than she emailed me last night!
Her email last night subject: APOLOGY

I need to apologize for everything I said and take responsibility for the demise of our relationship.

I didn't mean to result to name calling, but I was hurt.  There is nothing I can say to take back every ridiculous thing I said about you.

I feel that our relationship has run its course and we are just two different people.  We are beyond reconciliation at this point.  I do not want any hard feelings.

As I have said before you are a one in a million kind of guy, but we just don't see eye to eye.  I appreciate everything you have done for us.

I hate that you will not budge on sharing your information, but I get it.  You are not the type to be told what to do. 

I am not the type to be left in the dark.  We just don't gel.

I hope you will let xxxxxx have her computer back that you gave to her as a gift. 

Take care of yourself xxxxxx xxxxxxx

I will always cherish the time we spent together.

Take Care,
xxxxx

[AIGcraig]

Of course one hour later she was emailing me if I ever text, email or talk to her friends and family she will get a retraining order on me.  She wasn't done yet.  She was testing me again.  Her family loved me!  Her sister gave me great advice.  She said she was a Bat Crazy ___.

I send her the CEASE AND DESIST email well written by a lawyer.  She never responded its been 24 hours.

I HURT BAD.  I know it needs to over but I just want to hold and kiss her.

There is so much more to this story, so many more horrible days but so many Happy Days too!

Peace out!

[Aiko]

Crazy isn't it that we have to get police and lawyers involved, TRO's and Cease letters and we still miss these folks. Think about that for a second. Helps me to get over the 'missing her moments' to vividly remember the nuclear times where she couldn't control her emotions, threats, etc... .   When you think about it rationally you know you are lucky to be out of this.   So let your brain take over for your heart for awhile.  Good luck

[truthbeknown]

AlGcraig,

First, i am sorry for your pain.   I have been part of this community for awhile because there is no other place where people understand what us NON's have experienced.  And yet as supportive as this place has been there are times when i still hurt because of my attachment to "what was good/great" about my little little.  The double bind is that i think in my opinion we don't want to paint them black like they do to us.  Therefore, it makes it more challenging because on one hand we focus on all the good because that is normal and we want to forgive the transgressions without painting them black but it makes it tougher to understand why everything went wrong when we love them so much. 

There is a website by a woman named Sandra Brown and she talks about survivors and how we need to look at the physiological aspects of the brain as a disorder and not the parts of the personality that we liked.  I equate this too what happens when a loved one starts getting Dementia.  Their personality changes and they are not the person the other spouse fell in love with/ lived with etc.  The main difference is that there is less masking in Dementia then BPD/NPD.   Less intermittent re-enforcement of love then hate then love then hate then love then hate.  Dementia is more of "they are in their own world" type of thing but it's still hurtful that they forget who their loved ones are.   On some level i've told myself that BPD's and NPD's forget what they value in a person close to them.  It's like they forget how to value us as a loved one.  So in looking at this as a brain function and not a rejection of who we are it helps me at times.  But I'll be honest, there are still plenty of times when logic just doesn't trump the intense emotion of really loving someone and having to mourn their loss over and over again. 

I focus on the gift that i received of knowing what love is even though my ex has personality disorder.  No one can take my love away not even her.  I tried to mention this in another post where my friend thinks that i should be mad at my abuser and i look at her behavior as uncontrolled mental illness.  It can be like being in a storm and just like you had to send the letter we have to take cover from the storms but we wish we didn't have too. 

Lately I have been thinking about clips from the movie "good will hunting" where at the end Robin Williams says to will "it's not your fault".   While i think all of us wish we could break through the barriers like that ultimately we have to tell ourselves this too: "it's not your fault".     

take care of yourself and absorb in as much support as you need here.

[AIGcraig]

Everyone of my friends and family asks me if the CEASE AND DESIST email will work?  Unfortunately my therapist has the FLU and could be out for a couple weeks!  Both my appointments this week got cancelled.  That alone is driving me crazy, I need her now.  She does wonders for me.  She is so right so many times on the next move she will make.

Will this CEASE AND DESIST email will work?  Forget blocking her on emails it doesn't work, she will just a new email address.  She is the MASTER at getting in touch with me if she wants me.  She taught me that and I've used those tactics over the last year when she has me blocked.  With Verizon she just does a VTEXT text message too.  She's good!

Will she contact me again after the CEASE email? Here it is.

Dear xxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your harassing and intimidating actions against me has become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. This letter is to demand that your harassment and intimidation must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. I have all emails, texts and phone records on file. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, I will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you, including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal.

Please note that I have a right to remain free from your intimidating tactics, and I will take the responsibility upon myself to protect that right. Note that a copy of this letter and a record of its delivery will be stored. Note too that it is admissible as evidence in a court of law and will be used as such if need be in the future.

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER demands that you, family members, friends, coworkers and anyone pertaining to you, to immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future under any circumstances do the following to me: speak to, contact, pursue, harass, attack, strike, bump into, brush up against, push, tap, grab, hold, threaten, telephone (via cellular or landline), text message, instant message, page, fax, email, follow, stalk, shadow, disturb my peace, keep me under surveillance, gather information about and/or block my movements at home, work, social gatherings or religious functions.

Should you willfully choose to continue your current course of action, I will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Police Department for your ongoing violations of the Criminal Laws at xxxxx County, xxxx County, state of xxxxxx and Federal.

This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of my position nor is it a waiver of any of my rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.

xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx

[Aiko]

You can determine if it will work. The power is with you. Don't open the email if it comes in.  Or change your email address.  Ask yourself--do you realllllyyyyyy want her to not contact you or does some part of you hope she does.  The answer to that may also answer some other issues you're having.  Either way, not opening the email, or changing your address, are all options.