Emotional extortion?

[JNChell]

My ex totaled her car about 7-8 months into our relationship. She didn’t have it insured so she was without a vehicle. Anyway, I had a nice SUV that was paid for. She was pregnant with our Son at the time so I took out a loan on a pickup truck and let her drive my SUV. She had it totally trashed inside in a matter of weeks just as she trashed the inside of the house I bought for us. It was so bad that I wouldn’t ride in it. Fast forward to our second big breakup. I told her that I expected the vehicle to be in my driveway when I got home from work. Knowing I would cave, she told me that I wouldn’t be seeing our Son anymore if I didn’t give her my vehicle. I signed the title over the next day. Legally it’s hers now, but I can’t help but feel like she extorted me by using our Son as leverage. I know I should’ve done things differently and not just caved in to her ploy. I was not even close to being in a healthy state of mind at that point. I was very close to a horrific breaking point and emotional meltdown. When I met her I was debt free with great credit. No financial worries. I’m now bankrupt and staying with my best friend for another month or two and I’m p****d off about it. Yes, I stayed, and yes, I allowed this crap to happen to me, but that doesn’t really give me piece of mind right now. Have any of you had something similar happen in your relationships?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, Yes, she extorted you.  In my view, those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, usually by employing one or more elements of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Looks like she used fear to twist your arm.  It's all part of BPD.  Maybe you can recall other examples of times when you were manipulated by her?  I was quite susceptible to it, before I learned about F-O-G.  The key, at least for me, is to recognize when one is being manipulated.  That awareness allows one to fend off the arm-twisting.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

Hey JNChell, Yes, she extorted you.  In my view, those w/BPD are experts at manipulation... .

Experts say that pwBPD are not manipulators as much as they rely heavily on learned behavior (vs values, logic, etc.). In this case, JNChell knew he would cave, she knew he would cave, she did what works.

I'm not excusing her. I'm not judging you, JNL. I'm suggesting that one of the hardest concepts to grasp in recovery is that manipulation is in the mindset of the person taking the action, not how it makes us feel. This aws a really hard thing for me to wrap my hands around... .

[Lucky Jim]

 

In this case, JNChell knew he would cave, she knew he would cave, she did what works.

Agree, she did what she knew would work.  If you grasp the mindset, as Skip suggests, you are less susceptible to the arm-twisting.  Of course if you don't give in to it, then the pwBPD will usually raise the ante or turn up the flame, which are also learned behaviors, so you have to expect that, too.

LJ

[JNChell]

LJ, she most definitely turns up the flame. It’s always our Son. I have no way to combat that. When she threatens me with him, I cave. I love him. I’ve tried to explain to her the long term effects of PA. She always resorts to using him. It’s starting to wear me down.

[JNChell]

Skip, I agree with you 100%. She would say that she didn’t want to be her mom, but she is so much like her. She’s becoming her mother and it sickens me. She gave me the impression that she wanted more out of life than she had experienced with her family. I committed to her and she took all she could get.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, I am under the impression that you and your son's mother are unmarried.  Is that the case?  If so, perhaps it would be helpful to review your rights as the biological father, which might give you a leg to stand on.

LJ

[JNChell]

Correct LJ. We never married and you’re right. I do need to look into that. Family court scares me as the Father with the current legal climate when it comes to the Mother vs. the Father. My fear is that I’ll end up with less than I have now. Things were really bad between her and her ex husband when we got together. They have a daughter together. Looking back, when my devaluation started, she started getting along better with him until she eventually began to refer to him as her friend while our relationship deteriorated at an escalating rate. I’m hoping that she eventually mimics this with our situation although I have no desire to be friends with her. Is it possible that that may be a pattern in relationships like these?

[Pretty Woman]

I agree with Skip here. As much as it seems like manipulation, they do what they know works. It's like when a kid wants that candy bar Mom won't buy for him so he lays in the middle of the store screaming, making a scene. They say "practice makes perfect" and this is no different. If something works for them they continue to use it, I mean why not right?

The sad part is she used your son as leverage. You need to find a way to set boundaries with her. She will not like it, not one bit but it's critical. She cannot make the decision to take your son away, that is the court's decision. As long as you are being the best dad you can be and abiding to any legal agreements you are golden.

Once I put up boundaries my ex ran like hell. When you refuse to be treated like crap they don't treat you better, they go find other poor souls to abuse and berate.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. We all learn from our experiences. This was one of those experiences.