Mother Now In Skilled Care Facility Permanently

[Depression = 72% of members]

Where I last left off: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318964.0

I got a call on my way home from work today by my mom's new social worker. My mom got bad enough that they removed her from the strip motel she's been living in for the past year. The SW said several times "she's mine now,  she's safe." This is on the next county over. 

The new SW said that she's good friends with the other SW. What was weird is that she was so apologetic. "I know you and your mom have a history.  I'm sorry I'm calling you,  but  you are her only family member,  and it would be good to have a contact person. We want to authorize someone so we can put a wandering monitor on her and also someone to contact of something changes in her condition.  We also want to know of it's ok to medicate her.  If you don't want to be that person,  it's ok,  but otherwise someone from the state would step in to be her guardian."

I said that I had no problem.  Otherwise,  I'd let my mom go to a pauper's grave eventually? I didn't say that.  When it comes time,  I'll pay for cremation and bury her ashes next to those of her husband on her property. I really wish that my mother had never told me that he had molested both of his daughters.  It ruined my memory of the closest person that I had kind of father feelings for. 

Curse BPD and over sharing.  I'll respect her wish,  though,  and let God sort it out.  Love covers a multitude of sins... .and he saved me and my mom when I was a teen from my mother's foolishness.  Living in a camper on his property without electricity was better than in the barn. At least he had a generator for lights and TV at night. 

I have a few days off with the kids at the end of the month.  It's 130 miles away,  but I'm thinking of going to see her.  The SW said she's gotten way worse. I am going to bring the purse she accused me of stealing.  She left it on my home when she fled. Maybe that will soothe her.  Maybe it will trigger good memories. 

I'll have my kids with me,  on trimester break. I won't bring them in unless I deem it safe of I go on first. 

I can't imagine what she's thinking.  She is a nurse who worked skilled elder care and I know her worst fear was ending up on this situation. 

[Turkish]

Where I last left off: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318964.0

I got a call on my way home from work today by my mom's new social worker. My mom got bad enough that they removed her from the strip motel she's been living in for the past year. The SW said several times "she's mine now,  she's safe." This is on the next county over. 

The new SW said that she's good friends with the other SW. What was weird is that she was so apologetic. "I know you and your mom have a history.  I'm sorry I'm calling you,  but  you are her only family member,  and it would be good to have a contact person. We want to authorize someone so we can put a wandering monitor on her and also someone to contact of something changes in her condition.  We also want to know of it's ok to medicate her.  If you don't want to be that person,  it's ok,  but otherwise someone from the state would step in to be her guardian."

I said that I had no problem.  Otherwise,  I'd let my mom go to a pauper's grave eventually? I didn't say that.  When it comes time,  I'll pay for cremation and bury her ashes next to those of her husband on her property. I really wish that my mother had never told me that he had molested both of his daughters.  It ruined my memory of the closest person that I had kind of father feelings for. 

Curse BPD and over sharing.  I'll respect her wish,  though,  and let God sort it out.  Love covers a multitude of sins... .and he saved me and my mom when I was a teen from my mother's foolishness.  Living in a camper on his property without electricity was better than in the barn. At least he had a generator for lights and TV at night. 

I have a few days off with the kids at the end of the month.  It's 130 miles away,  but I'm thinking of going to see her.  The SW said she's gotten way worse. I am going to bring the purse she accused me of stealing.  She left it on my home when she fled. Maybe that will soothe her.  Maybe it will trigger good memories. 

I'll have my kids with me,  on trimester break. I won't bring them in unless I deem it safe of I go on first. 

I can't imagine what she's thinking.  She is a nurse who worked skilled elder care and I know her worst fear was ending up on this situation. 

[RolandOfEld]

Turkish I don't know what to say except that sounds really rough. I'm sure I'm just scraping the tip of the iceberg when I say you clearly have very complicated feelings about your mother. Wishing the visit goes as smooth as it can.

My mother wasn't formally diagnosed with anything but depression (nearly the entire side of the family had some kind of mental illness), but looking back now I think it's highly possible she had a personality disorder or even BPD. Either way, it made our relationship hard. I went to see her the last few days before she died of cancer at 60. She was mostly gone and barely recognized me. 

My point I guess is that no matter what they did to us we still care about them and it hurts.

[Notwendy]

Turkish- I know this is hard, but from my point of view, I think it is a blessing.

I know that you tried to help your mother, and even had her living with you.

Your mother is getting the kind of supervision and assistance she needs- from people who are trained and paid to do this. It isn't in the way she wanted, but it is better than the situation she was in.

[Harri]

Hi Turkish. 

The way this situation is playing out is really the best way it could have given the behavior and choices of your mother up to this point.  That is so damn sad. 

Did the SW mention specifics when she said your mom is "way worse"?

 

[RDMaggie]

Oh my, Turkish, this must be so overwhelming for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree with PP that this may be a blessing. If she has deteriorated cognitively to the point they are having her wear a wander guard then she definitely shouldn't be living alone in a hotel. Now she wont only be in safe location, but she will have someone monitoring her mental and physical health.

Go when and if you feel prepared to see her. Care conferences can be done over the phone, documents faxed, and if they really need to talk to you in person there is still no requirement that you visit with her.

I have been a long term/geriatric/dementia/palliative care nurse for ten years, believe me there is no judgment here.

[Turkish]

I agree that this is the best thing Notwendy,  Like my T said two years ago,  "your home is not a hospital and she needs a hospital."

They didn't specify about her condition, Harri.  I'll show up expecting anything.  She may not want to see me and that's OK. I'll bring her purse that she left at my house when she fled,  the purse she accused me of stealing, over a year later according to her wacky former neighbor.  I'll have my kids with me, but I'll visit first.  I don't want to traumatize them.  I have my ex to answer to also,  though she would have to real power over me if the kids said anything.  I can take static. 

RDMaggie, thanks for the support as a professional. Being a single mom RN, I spent a lot of time in nursing homes sleeping on those awful vinyl couches on rough hospital blankets. I liked the pudding and talking to old people though. 

I'm trying to set up my retirement to "die on the hill" like my mom always told me she wanted to,  rather than being a prisoner in a facility like the ones she worked at for so many years.  When I was in my 30s, she worked an Alzheimers care facility.  Even given my experience with nursing homes,  I found it a bit scary.

I found a couple of bad Yelp reviews of the facility today. Only two. On their Facebook page, I found mostly positive and only one negative. 

The admissions person emailed me asking if she could fax or mail me documents to sign.  I said yes. 5 hours later, no response. I told her to email. I can sign,  scan and email back.

I'll know more in two weeks.  I think I owe a visit. This is the woman who adopted me,  a handicapped, transracial kid from foster care, as a single mother,  at a time when all three were controversial in the mid 70s. 

[Notwendy]

Turkish, your mother must have had a strong spirit in the 70's, one that saw beyond any controversy when she chose to love you in the best way she could. Know also, that perhaps the visit is for you, as well as her. However, in her state of mental illness, she can not live on her own, and for your own sanity, she can not live with you.

I feel a similar way about my own mother. I would help an elderly parent if I could but when I did visit to help my parents when my father was ill, I saw how seriously mentally ill my mother was. Most of their visits, they were together and I didn't see the full picture of my mother's behavior. During this time, he was in the hospital and I spent an extended visit alone in the house with my mother.

I am not a trained mental health worker. Even if I was, my position as my parents' child made it that they didn't listen to me- I was their daughter, how dare I tell her what to do. I can manage an out of control child, but I can't put my mother in "time out" or enforce any kind of order or discipline. If I tell her to do something it triggers her. So simple things like " let's go pick up your car" will trigger her into an argument that lasts longer than just getting the car would. When I tried to help her with budgeting, she accuses me of forcing her to hand over her money. I don't want her money, I am trying to help but to her that feels invalidating from her child. She needs 24/7 care. Fortunately she has the means to hire people who are trained to care for her.

If I am not her caretaker, I can still visit, be in contact, and I still do. I think skilled caregivers are better equipped to provide the level of assistance she needs and it seems this is the case for your mother too. She will always be your mother regardless.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Turkish,

I'm sure sorry that your mom is shifting and changing and requiring more care. I just spoke with one of my coworkers who was commenting on the slow but steady decline of her mom. It's tough no matter whether you have a mentally healthy mom or not. They are still our moms, and it just plain old stinks.

Some extra hugs for you, and prayers as well.

 
 
Wools

[GaGrl]

My mother's stepmother was yNPD/BPD and could not tolerate my mother being involved in her finances. My mom received a call from SGM's doctor at one point, informing her that SGM was in the hospital, and what was Mom going to do about her care/needs. My mom had to explain that SGM had never legally adopted her, and she (my Mom) had no legal right nor financial ability nor influence to handle SGM's affairs.  The doctor, who had SGM as a patient for at least 30 years, had no idea of the actual family dynamics.

It's impossible sometimes to do what we would be willing to do, if the PDs didn't get in their own way.

[Turkish]

I'm waiting for them to send me admission forms to sign.  I didn't check my work email from home this weekend.  They say I can sign them.  I went through this almost a year ago and they never sent them.  My mom refused to sign them then.  The facility bills the state (welfare or medicaid), but my mom has medicare which will pay for it.  I'll ask about social security.  She was getting about $1400/mo (and complaining for years how she should get more... .even though she chose to retire at 62). With no mortgage and car payment,  that was enough to live on securely.  But for the hoarding and financial impulsiveness. $5k on a commodities trading course (almost the exact amount of her neglected back property taxes!). Likely less,  but who knows how much,  to a Suzy Orman deal. "I can pick up the phone and have access to Suzy's lawyers!" Lot of good they did I was wisely stone faced when she told me that. 

I suppose the facility may take her SS. It would be a shame for it to pile up in the bank. I'll investigate,  though.  If they can't take it,  maybe I can use it to take care of her property.  I don't need it or money.  I have no debts except for my mortgage.  I'm thinking I may need to get involved legally though I don't want to.  As I may have said here or in another thread, I have no emotional ties to that property.  I only lived there for 7 months before I flew the coop on my 18th birthday. 

[Turkish]

I signed the medical forms today,  including choosing DNR (Do Not Rescusitate). I think that's what she would want,  given her worst fear was to end up in skilled care,  and her wish to "die on the hill."

I read all of the stuff she was diagnosed with,  including "unspecified anxiety." It would likely be useless to tell them what she told me two years ago: PTSD and BPD. Or the Depression I've known about since 1989. If I get up there next week,  I'll assess the situation. 

I also saw something about "malignant growth" on her breast, the one that wasn't removed in the mastectomy 6 or 7 years ago. My RN mother was right and her MD was wrong.  She wanted both removed at the time. 

I put a call into my T today to see if he knew of any lawyer buddies in his circle,  to look at the other forms they are going to send me.  Maybe I'm being paranoid.  If I can understand mortgage documents, I should be able to read and understand these. 

[birdbird]

Dear Turkish, o wow.  Thank you for reaching out to me at the same time such turmoil in your own life!   you are a few steps ahead of me in the mom situation.   my mother is in hospital having had an emergency heart surgery ... .and now she is in a rehab... .  and she made my sister the proxy and even though i have worked "in the field" for so many years, my sibs have totally turned their backs on anything i have to say, as i am only learning now how my mother told them stories behind my back that were not true, blaming everything on me, but how could they know otherwise?  we all trusted her.  anyway, ouch evey writing that truth is hard. 

makes me so sad you are in your situation.   bless you for sharing your story as it helps others (like me) so much

[Turkish]

I wish I had a magic wand to heal all families... .another sibling dynamic, birdbird... .I'm sorry that they are cutting you off. 

The Adult Protective Services social worker called me today. She'd like to meet.  I didn't tell the nursing home about my mom's social security.  The SW said that my mom had a substantial amount of money in there.  $1400/mo x how many months... .? She said that I wouldn't want to become conservator, but rather to let the home access it directly to pay for her care. Makes sense.  The rest she can apply for MediCal  (California's medicaid). Medicare would pay for the actual medical care. 

She said that she did that with her grandma,  and they'd save about $60/mo to give to her to spend on outings,  clothes, etc. I said that I had no problem paying for those things.  The SW said it would be better if my mom paid for it.  I can see the reason on a number of levels. So they will be "stealing" my mom's money   not really, but she'll not know this... .

I asked why she was moved and the SW said that she declined quickly over two weeks.  They took her from the motel in an ambulance.  My mom's on isolation (not great) due to  communicable GI infection.  Should be clear by the time I visit next Tuesday. 

So the properties will stay in limbo.  They can't become her assets.  I could afford it but I'm not inclined to pay the back and current taxes on the 5 acres. What a waste. The only wise financial decision she made in 1989 was to do a 15 year mortgage, so it's been "hers" for a while,  despite almost losing it several times.  She loved that property, and I'll bury her ashes there where she told me to so many years ago when it comes time... .

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  Be very careful with what you sign especially regarding medical care and insurance forms.  It is not unheard of for family to be stuck with medical bills for those in nursing facilities with medicaid and medicare).  It sounds like the social workers are wonderful so I don't think there is too much to worry about.  Just be cautious.

I think you are doing very well in making decisions and dealing with all of this.  How are you feeling? 

[birdbird]

wow, so intense.  thank you dear turkish for sharing more of your story. 

[Turkish]

Hi Harri,

I feel ok.  I looked into it today and it is correct that Medi-Cal might indeed force liquidation of assets including properties before they pay for care.  I think I am ok about not being on any book financially. I never heard back from my T about a referral. Or as my mom used to say,  "no yes, no, screw you?"

I'm trying not to take it personally, especially after all I paid him over the course of three years.  I stopped counting when I added it up in my head and reached $10k I'm almost embarrassed to admit that,  and I still didn't get a diagnosis like my ex wanted! 

Sorry for ignoring your post on my other thread.  I have a thread on Learning which ends kind of at the same point of discussion.  I've also ignored that for now.

I'm out next Tuesday through Thursday. I'll have a good update Thursday night. 

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  No worries on not replying.  In case you haven't noticed I take many a break from posting on my own threads, sometimes with no real reason!  LOL

It is unfortunate and rude that your T did not get back to you.  He is probably too busy at his vacation dream home that you helped fund!  I wonder if the social workers could give you a few names of lawyers specializing in Elder Law that you could vet.  Worth asking maybe?

Is the property the same property that your BFAM wanted to purchase at one point?  I wonder if he would still want it including taking on the back taxes.  Just wondering... .

I will be looking forward to an update, not just about your mom but about you as well... .tho no pressure to respond right away.  This is a hard time and you are going through uncharted waters.  Be good to you.   

[Turkish]

The 5 acres is the hoarder property she bought in 1989. The 2 acres is the one just through the woods from BFAM's dad's property. He'll keep paying the taxes which aren't much.  Likely go "adverse" possession of it at some point. 

[GaGrl]

Turkish, was your mother married to a veteran? In looking at caregiver assistance for my aging parents, we found that VS will provide about $1400 in reimbursement for carrying per month. Mom hasn't needed it - her finances are stable to stay in her house with minimal help right now - but we know it's available should her ability to live independently deteriorates.

[Kwamina]

Hi Wolfish

I never heard back from my T about a referral. Or as my mom used to say,  "no yes, no, screw you?"

I'm trying not to take it personally, especially after all I paid him over the course of three years.

Based on what you've shared before about your T, he has done awesome work with you. Perhaps he just forgot about the referral, was very busy with work or was dealing with some serious stuff in his own personal life that got in the way of things. Or maybe he wasn't able to find anyone he deemed good enough for you and did not know how to tell you this. Your T too is only human. There are many possible reasons, maybe you can just ask him again if he has looked into it. What do you think wolf?

I am glad grandma wolf is safe

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

I'll try not to assume, Parrot. Still, it's a nice day here by the ocean.  He could be out on the sailboat I helped him pay for 

[Turkish]

 My mom's neighbor (not the crazy one from a few years ago) just called and told me that the 5 acres was put up for tax auction.  I'm partly relieved and partly mad.  Her dead H willed it to her, then me, and my mom messed up stewardship of what she was given... .only like that because she was trying to avoid paying taxes in the first place!

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm so sorry Turkish. It only adds insult to injury when your inheritance slips from your hands.

When my dad died in 2015, my stepmom didn't handle things right, and my dad also didn't set things up to protect his children. We lost the inheritance from our family farm that has been in our family since 1833. Yes, that is the right date. SM was 'grafted' into the family, was there for 30 years, then took it all except the money from a 20 acre parcel that my dad got from his grandfather. My siblings and I asked for that and her new husband agreed to share the money with us after all the probate fees were taken from our portion.

These things hurt, but I try to not hang on to them, even as I know you do to. It just stinks.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

1833! That's a killer from an emotional and historical standpoint, nevermind the money.  

A Llama farm on that ground would have been almost sacred.  

I was texting my BFAM, whom I'm going to stay with next week.  He asked how much I had invested, including bailouts.

$5k in '99 (7,438.99 in 2018 dollars). I didn't have the cash but had it on company stock. I took a cash advance on credit cards to get it to her,  as she waited until less than 5 days the property was going up for auction to call me.  I was living in Oregon,  she in California.  My stock sale wouldn't have settled in time.  

$2k for roofing materials.  She did pay me back $1k. The material sits in the yard to this day rotting.

Various utilities being shut off bailouts,  more than $1k, probably less than  $2k. I didn't keep track.  

$700 to get the properties into probate, which I just found out this year wasn't necessary.  She only had to show her marriage certificate and the death certificate to get them transferred into her name.  I quit asking about the probate around 2010.

My '98 Toyota Tacoma (worth $5-6k in 2009),  which was in great shape.  She got into multiple accidents.  Blew the clutch the first year,  the engine the second.  Sent her $900 to help with the engine rebuild. Stolen by tweakers.

$900 or $1100 four years ago to help cover the impending confiscation of the properties by the county for letting the taxes lapse for about 7 years... .the county was pretty patient IMO! For want of like $1500/year for both properties. She hadn't a mortgage on the 5 acres since 2004. It was embarrassing two years ago when I drove her up to the tax office to pay the back tax instalment, costing me a days pay--- which I initially had no problem with,  because she didn't want to mail a check.  Pay online? What's that? She got validation from the ladies in the tax office cheering her on.  "I'm doing this all by myself with no help from anybody!" I standing right there.  "Well I did send you $900 over a year ago to help get you started." (JADEing forgot not to do that) "I don't remember that!" She replied as she wrote her check angrily.

In the 00s, $10k from my BFAM and his dad... .and if she'd gotten the 2 acres in her name, she would have had like $200/mo for the balance as they had agreed.  

$10k from her oldest friend who now lives in St. Croix. (I just found that out a little over a year ago.  

Many hundreds of dollars from her former neighbor.  Food banks. Up to $700 "credit" balances for gas and food from my other buddy who used to own the local convenience store.

Who knows what else I don't know about in the small county? My mom was good about positing herself as the poor fixed income widow.  In know Jesus said,  "the poor will always be with you, " but she wasn't poor.  Then again,  there is that "taking care of widows and orphans" part.

How much was enabling and how much was doing the right thing? I think it was here I saw a member once say their dad told them,  "do the right thing.  It'll be punished for it,  but do it anyway."

Maybe that's my answer.  If I weren't around,  she would have ended up where she is regardless,  but I did the right things nonetheless.  

And I didn't steal her purse; she left it when she ran away from our prison home.  I put it into my trunk today so I can return it next week,  whether or not she wants to see me.  

[Kwamina]

How much was enabling and how much was doing the right thing? I think it was here I saw a member once say their dad told them,  "do the right thing.  It'll be punished for it,  but do it anyway."

Maybe that's my answer.  If I weren't around,  she would have ended up where she is regardless,  but I did the right things nonetheless.

Who knows where she would have ended up. Perhaps the question is not only where would she have ended up if you hadn't done what you believe was the right thing to do, but where would you have ended up? How would you have felt if you had gone against what you believe to be the right thing to do?

I think the glory is not in the results, but in the fighting and trying to achieve the best results possible. All you can do is try and do your best and indeed what you believe is the right thing to do. You have done a lot of awesome things Turkish. I remember you taking your mother in, in spite of everything, because you believed it was the right thing to do. You helped her get through during that very cold winter, quite possibly saved her life there. She might not have been able to express her gratitude properly, but I and many other members here definitely saw the amazing thing you did there. It ultimately did not work out, but by doing what you believe is the right thing even in very difficult circumstances, you also set a very important example for others of what it looks like in practice to truly live your values.

I'm looking forward to hearing how your trip went.

Take care Wolfish

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

I feel like a horse's backside for my last post.  Oh well,  moving on... .

I stopped by the motel she was living in,  the SW told the property manager I'd be stopping by.  I grabbed some clothes,  her wallet (I didn't look inside though the SW said there was a few hundred dollars in it), a picture off the wall that had a Bible verse. I didn't bother with toiletries.  I stuffed the suitcase she was planning on using to return to Holland,  Michigan.  Yes, Parrot, she is Dutch 

She may have contacted some of my cousins there,  hard to say.  Maybe I should reach out on Facebook,  but more likely I'll let it alone.  The only point that sticks is that the other adopted kid in the family,  her sister's son, went off the deep end in his 30s. Got lost in the worst of what Thailand has to offer.  My aunt died in 1983. So long ago... .

The neighbors said to say hi to my mom.  It was a nice place,  right by a creek.  Plenty of shade. A stray cat my mom adopted. They encouraged me to take the cat.  My kids loved it. 

We drove an hour north to visit.  They caught me as I walked in and I signed a bunch of things.  I had previously read the 90+ pages. 

My mom was blown away to see me.  She started crying.  I had to put on a gown and gloves because she was still in isolation.  I had the kids sit down the hall with a tablet. 

She was glad to have her purse back.  I told hey I had packed her wallet (with ID and money). She was happy.  She seemed ok,  until she started talking about the son who threatened to kill her roommate and some other conspiracy theories. I shined it on.  I told her that I had the kids with me and that stem I left, she could see them from the door.  No touching due to quarantine.

I brought the kids by at the end.  She was so happy to see them.  Tears. The kids,  5 and 8, took it ok.  I told my mom we would be back in a month and after age was out of quarantine,  she could hug them and we'd spend more time. 

Earlier that day,  the SW reminded me of my mom's accusations.  Here I feel weird... .like people were trying to protect me.  I guess I have a problem with that.

I found my mom's January bank statement.  She has  $10k, despite paying $900/month in rent. 

We went by this morning to her apartment to see what else I could take.  My son wanted the bag of Cup'O Noodles,  so I took them.  In left the microwave, vacuum,  and a lot of other things.

I talked to another neighbor on the way out.  She said that they liked my mom and her sense of humor.  They tried helping her with the Holland trip.  They also knew that my mom was hyper independent to the end.  One time,  they offered to help.  My mom called the bus and returned with seven bags of who knows what.  So I left a bunch of stuff there.  She won't need it.  It looks like she had a decent pad though. 

My worst fear was that they'd have her chained against the wall,  or something like that,  but she seemed to like it there.  Despite her worst fearn of ending up in a skilled care facility like those she worked for the last 20 years of her career,  I was relieved to see that she liked it there.  This goes back to my mom's primal emotional needs: to be needed ("taking care" of her roommate whose son threatened to kill her),  and being taken care of.

When she was living with us,  I did the latter, but I didn't do a good job validating at times. 

Even so,  they've legally declared her unable to function on her own.  So where she is she is. 

Someone from Medi-cal called me on my way back today.  There are still things I need to do.  As for my mom,  I will try my best to take the kids up with me next month to visit. 

Another old lady stopped is in the hall,  focusing on D5. Not to brag, but she is a really pretty little girl,  with an outgoing personality to boot.  We all talked.  I think this is good for the kids.  My mom had me spend a lot of time in nursing homes as an early to mid teen. I really liked talking to older people. 

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  I am glad things went well for all of you.  It sounds like she was having a lucid day!  I imagine there is some relief to have seen the place she was at prior and knowing she was in a good safe place.  Is that accurate?  I remember you wondering about it.

How did you feel seeing her in the facility?  I smiled when you said you were relieved she was not chained to the wall and my mind added to the horrible image with flashes of her getting food trays passed through a slot in the locked metal door.  A dark twisted mind here.
 
Once she is out of medical isolation she may do very well there.  There are lots of people she can help but also lots of people who can help her in return.  If the care facility has an dedicated activities coordinator she can have lots of fun as well.

Earlier that day,  the SW reminded me of my mom's accusations.  Here I feel weird... .like people were trying to protect me.  I guess I have a problem with that.

  It sounds like she was making sure you remember so you have appropriate expectations.  I understand why it would feel uncomfortable for you to have others protect you like that.  Just sit with it.  Besides, why wouldn't she try to protect you?  Even strong independent stubborn (  ) guys like you need it sometimes.  Let someone show you care and consideration Turkish.  You are worthy and you matter too.

I feel like a horse's backside for my last post.

Why?  For expressing emotion?  For being real and not trying to wrap up your emotions and thoughts in a nice pretty and supposedly more 'acceptable' package?  Sharing your feelings is good and healthy!  Why do you hold yourself to a different standard than others?

Okay, I am going to end this with a appropriate earworm that I hope stays in your head for a while:  "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine... ."   

[Turkish]

Earworm, THANKS. Not... .. 

The lasagna and broccoli looked gross.  I remember that food well... .it was better then opening room temp canned food back in the day,  however,  especially the grease congealed canned tamales.  I'm going to buy meals for us next time.  My kids are spoiled.

My T called me back today.  He didn't have a referral.  I may go see him again after I finish the Medi-Cal stuff. $200/hr, ouch.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish,

First, a   for you-but that's only if you need it. 

It was a nice place,  right by a creek.  Plenty of shade... .
My worst fear was that they'd have her chained against the wall,  or something like that,  but she seemed to like it there.  Despite her worst fearn of ending up in a skilled care facility like those she worked for the last 20 years of her career,  I was relieved to see that she liked it there.

I remember how hard it was when my dad was sick and dying at the hospital. I took an emergency flight to try and get to him before he died. I had to take a deep breath before I went in and remind myself (like Mario) before stepping through the doorway: "Here we go!" It was something I expected to be a revelation of my worst fears. Thankfully it didn't match up to those fears. It was hard nonetheless, but I didn't realize how much I needed to see him before he died until afterwards. I think you also needed to see where she had lived before and where her new place is, for your own peace even though it may not yet be a conscious thought in your mind. I'm glad you went.

  Earlier that day,  the SW reminded me of my mom's accusations.  Here I feel weird... .like people were trying to protect me.  I guess I have a problem with that.

Are you saying you had a difficult time with the sense of protection that they were offering towards you? If that's what you meant, I too would find it to be a foreign concept. As a child of a pwBPD, I find it extremely difficult to absorb or comprehend what it would mean to have that, even if it is what we have desired for so long. Ah the paradox of our lives.

 
Wools

[Kwamina]

I stuffed the suitcase she was planning on using to return to Holland,  Michigan.  Yes, Parrot, she is Dutch

Who knows, maybe we are distant relatives, perhaps you're part parrot? I've heard stories of flying wolves you know!

I feel like a horse's backside for my last post.  Oh well,  moving on... .

Ah well, you were just being real. Sometimes it's good to let these things out, like a way of self-validation, can also make it easier to move on.

My aunt died in 1983. So long ago... .

That's a long time ago indeed. Were you close to your aunt? Did you see her often back then?

My mom was blown away to see me.  She started crying.
... .
She was happy.  She seemed ok... .
... .
I brought the kids by at the end.  She was so happy to see them.  Tears. The kids,  5 and 8, took it ok.

Just doing some selective quoting here I'm glad things went ok. How did it make you feel seeing your mother again after all this time?