Called my girlfriend a butterface

Hi! I’m a new member and this is my first time posting a request for help. I’m a 28 year old woman who was recently diagnosed with BPD in the summer of 2017. I also suffer from Bipolar Type 1, anxiety, ptsd, anorexia, and ocd. I was diagnosed adhd as a child and I find that diagnosis relevant til this day bc I can not stand still. Ever. I also stim, and use deep touch therapy. I am a self diagnosed ‘aspie’ or high functioning autism. I found myself on both the BPD diagnostic scale as well as the aspie scale. Anyone who knows me, knows I am very much capable of love and empathy... .when I can be mindful!

So to the meat of the matter! Last night my new girlfriend of six months slept over, and we had an amazing night and it flowed into the morning. After enjoying each other’s company for hours and being sweet, she begins to joke that she is ugly and that even her friends say she’s ugly. She was in ‘rare form’ and acting very silly, which is why I like her. I am very silly as well. We have a lot of good wholesome fun with each other.

So, I try to make her feel better, because she’s a pretty girl... .so I proceed to stick my foot in my mouth, and I call her a ‘butter face’ —-essentially, a woman with a great body and an ugly face.

Some would say, that is just you being crass and nasty, not BPD. I do know it was hurtful. I have an issue with dating because I have a little bit of a cruel streak and have told my friends and coworkers that she isn’t the prettiest, even though I think she is. I am self sabotaging and telling myself I don’t think she’s that pretty bc I don’t think she actually cares for me.

She says she does care, she knows of my diagnosis, and is very careful and empathetic. My issue is, i don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to start the push/pull cycle bc I’m ashamed of myself (and rightfully so! The girl is splendid!) but I can’t deal with hurting her. I actually told her I was prettier than her; the girl who spent all night making love to me! #please give me advise on how to make this better



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