My BPD wife gave me divorce papers. Very worried about parental alienation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife has very recently handed me divorce papers, we have two daughters 11, and 8. She is raging against my mother and family. I'm very concerned. My wife has no relationship with her own family. I've never met her parents, but her mother slowly drove all family members away, my wife has done the same to me, claiming that my mother is somehow a puppet master although we've been overseas for 6.5 years, and she's only seen her 3x (3 total weeks) in that period. Over the years, I've slowly limited skype/text etc... with my family sadly - causing much shame/resentment in me, but it just made married life easier. This past October I confronted my wife about our financial troubles, and somehow she blamed this on my family. I had enough, and withdrew from her... .hoping my withdrawal would eventually wake her up that she needs to go back to serious therapy. She was diagnosed with BPD by her psychologist 17 years ago... .but now claims she is cured, and that my family is all sick. Well it backfired - and frankly I'm relieved, because I know that firstly she'd have to admit her problem , but second that it would take years of intense therapy to make a dent in her extreme black and white thinking.

Well, since handing me the papers and my acceptance of them... .the draft petition only just last week was given to me, and since has been sent to UK court. She is angry. Angry all the time and of course, incapable of self-reflection (I genuinely mean that) now that I think she realizes that I won't acquiesce and I'm accepting it - she is pissed off. Wow.

So, I just am very concerned about what is going to happen going forward. #1 with the kids. Although, relieved for myself - financially we were already broke, and now still living together because our lease is up in 6 months, and even then I have no idea how I'm going to swing two households.

A part of me just feels like rolling over, and taking it - because I'm being such a wuss and just want to minimize the rage and can't fight her financially, a part of me just wants out - and to protect my girls as much as I can, but I know I'm going to lose - so why not just settle on normal visitation rights, etc... .but then I'm concerned she'll brainwash them, and rant against all my family, and me... .and what that eventually will do to them... .they're such good girls. BPD is so ff*cd up because, she can act so normal so much of the time... .but this anger, and paraniod delusion... .I just cannot live with it anymore...

So, what can I do to protect myself? Protect my relationship with my girls going forward? Be able to now actually have skype calls with my family and the girls talk to their grandparents again? I'm not going to lie - I'm afraid of what she's capable of... .I'm fearful she will be willing to do/say anything.

I'm from the US originally but live in the UK, so divorcing here... .I will learn as much as I can - but your advice will be extremely helpful.

I don't want to give up. I want a healthy relationship with my girls. I hope I can.

Thanks in advance

[wife_has_bpd]

My wife has very recently handed me divorce papers, we have two daughters 11, and 8. She is raging against my mother and family. I'm very concerned. My wife has no relationship with her own family. I've never met her parents, but her mother slowly drove all family members away, my wife has done the same to me, claiming that my mother is somehow a puppet master although we've been overseas for 6.5 years, and she's only seen her 3x (3 total weeks) in that period. Over the years, I've slowly limited skype/text etc... with my family sadly - causing much shame/resentment in me, but it just made married life easier. This past October I confronted my wife about our financial troubles, and somehow she blamed this on my family. I had enough, and withdrew from her... .hoping my withdrawal would eventually wake her up that she needs to go back to serious therapy. She was diagnosed with BPD by her psychologist 17 years ago... .but now claims she is cured, and that my family is all sick. Well it backfired - and frankly I'm relieved, because I know that firstly she'd have to admit her problem , but second that it would take years of intense therapy to make a dent in her extreme black and white thinking.

Well, since handing me the papers and my acceptance of them... .the draft petition only just last week was given to me, and since has been sent to UK court. She is angry. Angry all the time and of course, incapable of self-reflection (I genuinely mean that) now that I think she realizes that I won't acquiesce and I'm accepting it - she is pissed off. Wow.

So, I just am very concerned about what is going to happen going forward. #1 with the kids. Although, relieved for myself - financially we were already broke, and now still living together because our lease is up in 6 months, and even then I have no idea how I'm going to swing two households.

A part of me just feels like rolling over, and taking it - because I'm being such a wuss and just want to minimize the rage and can't fight her financially, a part of me just wants out - and to protect my girls as much as I can, but I know I'm going to lose - so why not just settle on normal visitation rights, etc... .but then I'm concerned she'll brainwash them, and rant against all my family, and me... .and what that eventually will do to them... .they're such good girls. BPD is so ff*cd up because, she can act so normal so much of the time... .but this anger, and paraniod delusion... .I just cannot live with it anymore...

So, what can I do to protect myself? Protect my relationship with my girls going forward? Be able to now actually have skype calls with my family and the girls talk to their grandparents again? I'm not going to lie - I'm afraid of what she's capable of... .I'm fearful she will be willing to do/say anything.

I'm from the US originally but live in the UK, so divorcing here... .I will learn as much as I can - but your advice will be extremely helpful.

I don't want to give up. I want a healthy relationship with my girls. I hope I can.

Thanks in advance

[ForeverDad]

Why should you swing two households?  Well, maybe for a while, but she will need to find work to support herself.  As you wrote, you can't fund double the expenses.  She will have to either take a significant cut or start working.  I don't know how it is in the UK but in most of the US states even a longer marriage doesn't guarantee lifetime alimony.  These days alimony is intended more to be a transition aid into post-marriage life, not permanent support.

Divorce cases have many court hearings.  Probably a good theme for you at all hearings dealing with money would be you encouraging for her to seek her own income from her own jobs.  She will surely protest if she's used to being a Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) but frankly millions of mothers work because they have to.  After all, kids are in school most of the year anyway.  She'll have to join that crowd.  Expect fireworks when you express that logical theme, but the professionals will likely support your perspective.  Depending on how the parenting time is scheduled, you may have to provide child support.  That's okay, what I'm talking about is spousal support or alimony.  Transition, fine, lifetime of sitting back, nope.

[livednlearned]

Hi wife_has_BPD,

I'm sorry for what brings you here and so glad you found the site 

You're not alone.

What is your wife's relationship with the girls like right now?

A really helpful source if you're worried about parental alienation is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. I can't say enough about how helpful this book was -- it breaks down all the many ways a pathological parent will try to turn the kids against you, and has useful phrases and counter-intuitive advice for how to best respond. There were so many times post-divorce when I used those tips.

Start building your support network back up so you have some shoulders to lean on. And consult with some solicitors to find out how things work where you live, especially if you fear she will make false allegations against you.

Do you remember what happened with her mom (who sounds BPD)? It sounds like a rejection fantasy of sorts, where your wife is perhaps unconsciously recreating whatever original wound was passed down to her. It might help you pre-plan. For example, if your wife's dad is out of the picture because he was abusive, that may end up being what your wife tries to allege. The defense mechanisms of someone struggling with BPD can be very primitive

LnL