so exhausted from proving my love

[Sofi]

i’m married 27 years to a man who went thru a perfect storm of situations that released or caused massive BPD traits to immerge over the past 12 years. I have a son 24 who Asperger’s who is heavily reliant on my emotional support and executive functioning to help him thru part time college and life.
There are many areas I love about my husband but many that have erupted over the past 12 years which are just sucking the life out of me.  I’ve read so many books and have worked to improve how I interact with him and these things have helped. 
But - he is not aware he has BPD traits & so working on issues is difficult.  I’m so emotionally exhausted.  I look forward to going to work to get  away from the relationship.  At some point in the past 12 years  he decided I subconsciencely am against him so he sees anything I say about things he does that hurts me as a character attack on him and evidence I am against him.

I’m so tired of it, I know I can’t make him believe me, i know i can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to.  But how do i go on?
we haven’t been intimate in a month and it’s also affecting everything.
There’s just this tangible feeling around him that I’m against him (and I’m not!)
and I just want to end the whole relationship but I can’t.  I don’t have the means or savings to live on my own with my adult son. 
And I’m having a hard time finding reasons to stay alive.
I’ve read all these articles on reasons to stay alive - BS all of them.
“Because I want to see a sunset?” really? that’s a reason ?
If I’m dead I won’t care, will I care what I think i’m missing if i’m dead? 
Think of my son... .I have been and that the only reason I’m still here.  But that reason is wearing thin.   I just don’t know and I’m feeling helpless/hopeless. 
I’ve lost most of my friends because of a whistle blower situation my husband was in (and I support him in this) but I have nobody to talk to except a therapist, who is a MFT, not LMFT yet.  he’s okay and at least I can be totally honest with him.
any words of wisdom or hope?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

 
Hi Sofi,
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult and emotionally exhausting time. I would like to welcome you to the BPD family. There are many tools on this site that are extremely helpful, as well as many members who can offer their own experiences with pwBPD (persons/people with BPD.)

I understand the frustration of trying to constantly prove your love to someone. I went through the same thing with my uBPDh. No matter what I did, it was never enough. It wasn't until I got on this site that I began to understand more about the disorder, and that I may just have to accept there was nothing I could do about his issues, his perception or his behaviors. I am currently separated from my uBPDh, because of domestic abuse in our marriage, but we do have children together so there will be contact between us. One thing that really struck me was when someone on here described the pwBPD as a "bottomless pit of emotional hunger." That made me realize that there was nothing I could DO to ever have convinced my uBPDh that I loved him- his disorder caused him to distort perception so that he believed I was neglectful, uncaring, selfish, etc.-- even though I consistently sacrificed for him, carried burdens for him, walked on eggshells and changed many of the things I did and said just to try to prove that I loved him.

You can not control or change pwBPD, but you can change how you interact and react to them. You can also learn tools to help you depersonalize the behaviors, so you are not as emotionally affected by them. There is a wealth of information on this site for that.

Please keep posting. We are here for you. This site has provided support for me when I could not reach out to anyone else. I hope you find the same outlet here as I have.

Take care,
I Am Redeemed

[gotbushels]

... .help him thru part time college and life.

Well done on helping your son with college. 

I’ve read so many books and have worked to improve how I interact with him and these things have helped. 
But - he is not aware he has BPD traits & so working on issues is difficult.  I’m so emotionally exhausted. 

Well done on taking the steps to improve your side of talking to him. Yes, it can certainly be exhausting emotionally to work through things with a pwBPD.

I want to share with you that working through things is difficult even when they do know difficult parts of themselves. My ex told me about her "evil" side and a lot of bad things about that "side" of her. Even despite her own self awareness that something was amiss, dialogues were still very difficult--even violent. What helped me was trying to get enough support and compassion for myself for my tank to at least be full enough to operate as an individual.

I’ve lost most of my friends because of a whistle blower situation my husband was in (and I support him in this) but I have nobody to talk to except a therapist, who is a MFT, not LMFT yet.  he’s okay and at least I can be totally honest with him.
any words of wisdom or hope?

I think what might be helpful is looking at growing your support group. You mentioned the large value of having emotional support.

heavily reliant on my emotional support

Thus you might consider people not necessarily for the purposes of support, but being around people who have mutual interests, then sharing things about life, that can actually relax you and add some to your emotional tank.  Additionally, you might consider asking your T for recommended activities. Even if you don't make lasting connections, getting out of the house can energise you in the medium term. 

I hope you find peace.

[Radcliff]

Sofi,

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.  Everything you said resonated with me.  You've found a very supportive place here.  When I started visiting the message board regularly, got to know folks, and leaned on them for support, it made a huge change in my life.  Yes, this place can be that good.  Stick with us!  Take a look at the posts of others, and reply on their threads.  I am sure you already have good wisdom to share.

You mentioned that you haven't been intimate in a month.  I was just this evening talking with a friend about how intimacy in my relationship has been an overall sign of how well things are going (or more accurately, how poorly they are going).  You said "it's affecting everything else."  Can you elaborate?  What is blocking intimacy?  Is it your feelings for him?  His willingness to get close to you?  No worries if you're not comfortable talking about it.  We could pick another topic to start with.  Generally the best way to get going with support on this site is to pick a particular issue or situation, and just start pulling on the thread.

Welcome to the boards, Sofi.  You're in a good place.  I'm glad you've found us.  You are not alone.

WW

[Turkish]

Hi Sofi,

I have an 8 years old son diagnosed with ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's. Raising him with my ex is a challenge.

What has your therapist said to you about your despair,  has it been helpful?

You seem to me to be alone and isolated.  Have you any other support in your life? It can be overwhelming feeling so alone, and feeling responsible for others at your own expense is harder. Do you have family or friends to help?

Turkish

[dazed_n_confused]

Hi Sofi,

For me that has been the hardest part as well, knowing how much I love my ex, but she refuses to believe it. If you are really ready to move on, then perhaps you should start looking into financial assistance if you don't have the means to be on your own. You might try not to think about him, and just focus on finding a way to get out. It is not impossible. When my ex left her husband she was able to get a subsidized apartment for just $400/mo for her and her son, and it was actually pretty nice.

[Sofi]

Thank you all for the comments. I mostly use my iPhone and haven't been able to figure out how to reply to individual comments without including the whole comment.  I was able to use a laptop and WOW - what a difference.  I have all these people talking to me.  (grin).  I've been reading "Family Guide to BPD" and its been very helpful. Still lots of work, but at least I have concrete steps to take and positive things to focus on achieving.   The thing that still makes me angry is why do I have to work so hard at this relationship?  I work full time at a great job but I spend most of my time outside of work (which isn't much) reading how I can communicate with my diagnosed husband, who never used to be like this!  Its not like we started out this way... We were great for 14 years. Then ... .he slowly changed.  oy!  I just watched the amazing video on this site by Dr. Xavier Amador, really good but so sad, information.  All this work to talk with my husband?
 

[Turkish]

The change is odd.  Do you think there was a trigger in your lives which brought this out? It might be helpful to find a target to validate. 

I sympathize with your feelings.  I was only dating my ex,  and later mother of our children,  when I thought,  "it shouldn't be this hard! What's going on?"

The Family Guide is good.  We have incorporated many of the communication techniques into the lessons at the top of the board.  What do you find most helpful so far?

[Sofi]

The change is odd.  Do you think there was a trigger in your lives which brought this out? It might be helpful to find a target to validate.

I know exactly where we were and what we were talking about when everything changed.  It was a slow gradual change and for years I thought he was just stressed, sad & angry about the horrible whistle blower case we had been thru against our denomination. My husband is clergy & we left everything & started over, due to financial and ethical illegal activities against us.

There was some kind of ‘snap’ in him (a perfect storm, if you will) For years I agreed with the approach we were taking and then when we reached the final level of accountability, and were told that while we clearly had cause and proof, nothing would be done against the person who did the damage - his attitude changed and I didn’t agree with him.  
The relationship went from ‘us’ against the world to him against anyone who didn’t agree with him... .including me.
It’s been a journey ups and downs

He can be the most romantic, loving, fun, will-do-anything-I-ask person and then
all i need to do is tell something he’s done bothers me (I’m annoyed with him about something) or I don’t agree with something he said or did & there’s a 90% chance that all hell will break loose.

I’ve seen a pattern that he can go about 3-4 weeks without erupting but he has so much anger and so many triggers that connect to a very sad childhood specifically with his mother and step mother - that he uncorks at me with all the feelings he has never been able to address directly & I’m the only dog around he can (verbally) kick!  
Well, Me and our son with a communication disability & Asperger’s syndrome.  

He over reacts and then he goes on a rant and nothing can stop him.  Even when I used to agree with everything he said and when I would apologize for making him feel all kinds of horrible things (because I interrupted him) It wouldn’t matter he just kept on.  

Then a few days of silence and he would text some sweet thing to me and make me dinner.  As if nothing happened.  Like he was in a trance - which is what i used to call it, his ‘anger trance’.   I’ve learned a lot since then, but I am still in disbelief that this is us.  
Between episodes we can have so much fun, but I find myself emotionally withdrawing because what he says is so horrible & mean.  I tell myself he doesn’t really mean it - but that is only getting me so far.

He send me horrible emails and I read them 1 time then I file the away.  I don’t reply anymore.  Oh God we used to have so many emails back and forth - i just thought if I could get hi to see the logic he would snap back to the person he was or snap back to his non-episode self.  Never happened.  So I stopped replying and he never asked me for a reply! !  

He still sees me as the one who has all the problems and is the one who is doing all the harm to our relationship.  I’ve said, “okay maybe I have all these problems, if you give me the name of a therapist you like,  I’ll go.  I have nothing to hide.”  
He never does.  He just wants to blame me for every negative feeling he has & he owns nothing, ever.   When we were first married 27yrs ago, he was the first one to apologize, first one to say he wanted to know what I thought.  It’s all different now.

I’m at a place where we need to engage with this in therapy and I think he needs to face his triggers.  
We both signed up for The Gottman Institute “marriage minute” emails  which are really great!  We don’t talk about them but I know he is getting them.

I’m open to anything at this point - I just really want my husband back, but I’m afraid that may never happen :-(

[Sofi]

You can not control or change pwBPD, but you can change how you interact and react to them. You can also learn tools to help you depersonalize the behaviors, so you are not as emotionally affected by them. There is a wealth of information on this site for that.

Do pwBPD ever get better or are they ever ‘cured’? This all sounds so hopeless and the non-BPD person does ALL the work in the relationship to keep everything bearable. 

[Turkish]

I get the frustration. There are success stories here (at the top of the board). Changing the way we do things is indeed one sided, but it isn't one way.  The pwBPD (person with BPD) can respond positively. 

Regarding that past incident,  it likely went to the core of who he was (especially being clergy, I imagine),  and a person with BPD or traits has at their core feelings of shame and worthlessness.  Most of the dysfunctional behaviors stem from those core beliefs.

[Sofi]

yes and that “incident” was 4 years of our life fighting against the system.Wasnt the only thing I’ve realized. He had a very dysfunctional childhood - abandonment issues all over the place, mom leaving when he was 1 and his brother was 2, step mom who loved his brother and hated him - which I only found out from his brother and when I mentioned it to my H, he said “oh yes, very true - I was the trouble maker”.  Mom came back into the family area but lost custody to the dad (in the late 50s) because his family bought off the judge. Mom, when occasionally around, was called “Aunt” for years only for him to remember this a few months ago and told me about it. Then she leaves for good and when he was 18 he found her and went to college 1 semester near her to get to know her.  A few years later she committed suicide. His step mom was a basket case and when she and his father divorced their home was “happy again”   

So I realize I have a lot of negative female relationships to fight against... .

I just don’t know how to keep focusing on the 40% of our relationship that is ‘healthy’  Financially he has been a terrible provider, looking back everytjinghes fine has only been if it’s helped his career, which it really hasn’t but when he could do so much more and hasn’t - I make more money than he does and manage everything for the family because he cannot.  He did for years when the boys were little and I was consumed with the kids I didn’t realize how bad we were financially until I realized he was using all of our savings/inheritance and bills were still late and unpaid and massive debt... .I pulled myself together and took everything - bills, health insurance, doctor visits, getting out of debt (almost there) finding s budget plan and demanding we follow it. 
(-by the way, “EveryDollar” app is amazing for creating a spending plan that you can see what is budgeted & what “remains” available to spend each month  in each category you set up!)

Anyway - sorry for the long story. I’m tired. And I’m realizing just how bad this is.
He’s seen therapists at my demand, but nobody ever said to me or him about these issues- looking back they did hint at things —  i want to sue them for malpractice!  A Psychiatrist he saw for 6 yrs diagnose him with ADD & Depression but gave no medication of talk therapy —  so now he says he doesn’t need meds for anything.
 Just trying to find my true north, if one exists anymore.

[Jessica84]

Sofi - your story is so heartbreaking. You seem emotionally spent. What if you stopped trying so hard? Let go of the wheel a bit? Take a step back to observe?  I know that sounds counterproductive to your goals right now, but you can't change your situation until you get to an emotionally healthy place. Self-care is needed - you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. It may need to start with accepting who he is today, not who he used to be, not who he should be. Maybe grieve the loss of who he once was? He is still there, but buried under layers of trauma and powerful emotions. Take whatever steps you need to find peace.

There is hope. For every action, there is a reaction. When we begin to change, so do they. He may resist it at first, but he will adjust. I used to tell mine - if you stop doing X, then I'll stop doing Y! That went nowhere. Now he knew X bothered me, so I got more of it. When I stopped reacting to X, it lost his appeal for him, eventually. No payoff. So he stopped doing X. Make sense?

His unhealthy coping skills are deeply ingrained, but if you are open to trying new ways to communicate with him, practice the lessons here, not engage in battles, let him have his distorted perceptions without proving him "wrong", and walk away when you need to... .your life can get a whole lot easier! You have more power than you realize. Have faith in yourself.

[gotbushels]

There is hope. For every action, there is a reaction. ... .Now he knew X bothered me, so I got more of it. ... .

Delightful. Yes this makes heaps of sense to me Jessica84. I was blessed with an understanding when I was in the relationship and I didn't share some things out of instinct and intuition. The pwBPD at the time then used straw arrows on me thinking they would get my goat. It made my life easier because I could stay on my long term goals without getting frayed.

You have more power than you realize. Have faith in yourself.

Yes Sofi, validate your own opinions. There's a lot of power there.  

[Cromwell]

i’m married 27 years to a man who went thru a perfect storm of situations that released or caused massive BPD traits to immerge over the past 12 years. I have a son 24 who Asperger’s who is heavily reliant on my emotional support and executive functioning to help him thru part time college and life.
There are many areas I love about my husband but many that have erupted over the past 12 years which are just sucking the life out of me.  I’ve read so many books and have worked to improve how I interact with him and these things have helped.  
But - he is not aware he has BPD traits & so working on issues is difficult.  I’m so emotionally exhausted.  I look forward to going to work to get  away from the relationship.  At some point in the past 12 years  he decided I subconsciencely am against him so he sees anything I say about things he does that hurts me as a character attack on him and evidence I am against him.

I’m so tired of it, I know I can’t make him believe me, i know i can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to.  But how do i go on?
we haven’t been intimate in a month and it’s also affecting everything.
There’s just this tangible feeling around him that I’m against him (and I’m not!)
and I just want to end the whole relationship but I can’t.  I don’t have the means or savings to live on my own with my adult son.  
And I’m having a hard time finding reasons to stay alive.
I’ve read all these articles on reasons to stay alive - BS all of them.
“Because I want to see a sunset?” really? that’s a reason ?
If I’m dead I won’t care, will I care what I think i’m missing if i’m dead?  
Think of my son... .I have been and that the only reason I’m still here.  But that reason is wearing thin.   I just don’t know and I’m feeling helpless/hopeless.  
I’ve lost most of my friends because of a whistle blower situation my husband was in (and I support him in this) but I have nobody to talk to except a therapist, who is a MFT, not LMFT yet.  he’s okay and at least I can be totally honest with him.
any words of wisdom or hope?

No words of wisdom, I like to think Ive got to the age of being older not wiser as I still hit a learning curve each day  
as for hope, well that is important.
but things can only change with action. Even coming to this board is a sign that you are doing something positive and accept there is something wrong that needs addressed.

what you said about going to work to be happy away. I was feeling exactly the same way in my relationship where a very high demanding stressful job was an oasis of peace and calm, compared to what I had to face. I noticed a huge increase in my lack of anxiety and happiness as I was just a few days apart from my ex and actually liked her more. (this was all subconscious) i never realised it like I do now. She was surprised how happy i was and said "oh how lucky you are, thats because youve been away from me", and I just laughed as if it were a joke, but it was actually the truth.

if anything I learned so far in life, if your not happy about your situation, you have to change it. it has been my only way, whether work or relationships. too many people ive witnessed are unhappy but stay and accept it or try to change and get worn down by it. that was me in my relationship in 3 years, should have bailed out after 3 months, but "cest la vie", "such is life".

its a big world out there, and a lot of good people. you are one for the strength you are using to help your son and you deserve to be helped with that rather than pulled down. If you dont like these sayings such as "look forward to the next sunset" or similair, if they dont work for you and I only feel they were part of the solution for me. you already have worked out that you dont want to be with him anymore. that is a huge hurdle overcame. it really just sounds like you need to work on the financial side.

for what its worth, when you say that you cant afford to move away because of that, I found that the energy I got back after leaving this draining toxic relationship have made me achieve things in my career I never imagined possible whilst I was with her, so drained I was not only of energy but confidence and self belief.

im sorry to hear you are feeling this way, so much resonates with me. I also left her when I woke up and found out how my son and rest of my family were suffering but i had so much neglected their needs by being constantly forced to let her win my constant undivided monopolised attention.

[Radcliff]

Sofi,

I think Jessica84 nailed it.  You are working so hard to keep everything running.  Improvements are definitely possible, but when we've worked ourselves to exhaustion, we get to a point where we need a few "sure things" to recharge.  Are there hobbies, activities, friendships with other women, self-care, or other things that let you recharge?  When I was in the middle of trying to keep our circus going, I used to laugh at the idea of self care.  I didn't have time for it.  It sounded pretty fluffy to me.  I'm still working at learning it, but I do think my priorities were off!

I am sorry to hear about your four year ordeal.  Such a long traumatic journey that hits at the core of your family's identity absolutely sounds like the kind of thing that could tear up any coping mechanisms that had helped him to be functional over the years.  It sounds like you've done a lot of research.  Has the idea of DBT therapy come up?  Is it something he is aware of?

WW

[walkinthepark247]

There is plenty of research to say that people with BPD can and do get better. At the same time, it certainly isn’t easy. There are also plenty of people I have witnessed on this site who have seen their partner make steps toward getting better only to come crashing down. I am one of those people. From my experience, some sort of relapse is to be expected. Posting on this site has been most helpful. I go back and read old posts to touch base with where I was months ago. It’s also helped me to prepare.

When I first started walking down the road to BPD enlightenment (don't know what else to call it) , I had this one therapist who picked up very quickly on the violent outbursts I was explaining from my wife. I don’t know if he was trying to help me or not, but he was adamant that people with BPD can NEVER get better. There are some that take that mentality. Perhaps he was just trying to protect me. My new therapist also believes strongly that my wife is a pwBPD. But, he has not tried to steer me to stay or leave. At the same time, he has explained that BPD is not cured overnight. There is no magic pill that dulls the BPD traits. It takes a lot of work! That’s why those who seek help should be supported and applauded. It’s very tough work.

Yes, it is truly exhausting. This past weekend, I pretty much had to extricate myself from my spouse because she “went dark” (as I call it). I also took our kids and didn't really give her an option to say otherwise. "I am taking the kids for a hike". We all need to be aware of the negative effect this can have on our well-being. There is plenty of evidence that those in stressful marriages suffer from many types of health concerns. This doesn’t mean I’m coaching anyone to stay or leave. Rather, there are times that you will have to simply get a breath of fresh air. Being in the same room as someone who is painting everything black gives off some very bad vibes/juju/aura (whatever you want to call it). It poisons the air around you.

For me, “radical acceptance” has helped a great deal. I have had to simply accept that my spouse might never get better. Lowering your expectation for your spouse might help as well. It has for me. Even if my spouse seems to be showing improvement, I must remember that she still suffers from an illness. Things can come crashing down into darkness for her over seemingly minor events.

For me, it’s also been difficult to remember that I didn’t cause her problems. I am certainly not a perfect spouse, but these problems she is experiencing existed long before I was in the picture.

[Daffodill]

I can definitely relate!  It is so draining having to constantly "prove" my feelings when he gives so little back, but if I don't it upsets the delicate balance between those monthly meltdowns.  Things will be great for 2-3 weeks, then, out of no where, he just disintegrates.  He's only my bf and it's only been a little over a year, but I don't know how much longer I can do this.  We grew up together, though, so there's a bond already there and except for the extreme parts of the BPD, he's really a wonderful guy so I really want things to work out and am doing everything I can to make things work. 

I was able to get him into therapy after a particularly bad breakup where he cheated on my and I went NC for almost 30 days, but the therapist we chose had no clue about BPD despite claims to be experienced in DBT so it didn't work out.  I have since found another group in the area that specializes in BPD and even offers a 6 week support group/class for family/significant others which I have enrolled in.  This group really seems to know what they are doing and how to help the pwBPD, so I am very hopeful that I will get my uBPDbf to go through their program.  Once I'm done with the class, I intend to do individual counseling with them to help me with my issues.  This is the 2nd BPD pf I've dated, I seem to be drawn to them so I know I need help, too.   

[Tattered Heart]

Do pwBPD ever get better or are they ever ‘cured’? This all sounds so hopeless and the non-BPD person does ALL the work in the relationship to keep everything bearable. 

It can, but there's no guarantee. My H and I are experiencing the best our relationship has ever been in 14 years. I owe a very large part of it to really working on myself and my reactions to him. He feels so much more supported and he also has a very good understanding of what behavior I will tolerate and what I won't. I think he has less to react to emotionally since I'm not making it worse.

It takes intense commitment. My whole life is dedicated to planning how to say things, looking for the emotion behind behavior, and learning every possible thing I can about BPD and how it affects my H. It's testing, tweaking, and trying new approaches constantly. Have you ever seen those moms who are strong advocates for their children with autism? That's me with my H.