BPD mother in hospital opens up wounds

[birdbird]

hi!   an intro to me?  i am trying to rebuild my life.  middle of much learning.  have 2 older daughters and one young son.  woke up to my reality after a major car accident in 2016.  Feeling at times it is too late... .?   right now oldest taking a semester off clg so is home and here is a great chance to rebuild?  hs student and i have been working hard to rebuild friendship.   am so very grateful i got blessed with my now preschooler.  am reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Roth and Friedman and found myself via their Kreger prologue. 

BirdBird

[Turkish]

Hi birdbird,



How did you wake up to your reality?

We'd love to hear more and how best we can support you 

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi birdbird

As Board Parrot I am of course delighted to have more birds here

I would like to join Turkish in giving you a warm welcome to bpdfamily. I am glad you've been able to work on your relationship with your son. In what ways did this relationship need rebuilding?

Do you believe one of your parents has BPD? You are trying to rebuild your life, what are the major areas you are working on? Do you perhaps find yourself struggling with certain issues in particular?

Welcome again

The Board Parrot

[birdbird]

hi!  brand new here.  please help me navigate the discussion boards  i put an intro up somewhere yesterday but maybe in the wrong place?  just filled out info about myself just now, maybe that will assist i get to meet you all?  so far heard a hello fm daddybear77  thank you!  but could not figure out how to reply.

anyway, logging on here as at this age of 49 finally able to admit i was raised by personality disordered parents... . my father passed in august, but my mother is now in hospital recovering fm emergency surgery... .  and it is weird, have done tons of therapy for years and years around all this and other life circumstances, but today after visiting my mother it occurred to me:  at this point the pain is this weird feeling that if she does not want to live, somehow i have failed... .  i know for myself my life has been hard but always held my children in my mind for a reason to stay alive and head above water, but she is not that way, ... . and i am overwhelmed with this weird feeling of - i don't know what to call it - responsibility? that she now verbalizes that she does not think she wants to live... .i don't know .  ideas?  advice? been there done thats out there you all?

thanks for listening

birdbird

[Panda39]

Hi birdbird,

  Welcome 

I'm glad you've found us this is a great place to share, get feedback, ideas and information.

To reply to my or any other post click the little "reply' tab (top right of your post), it will give you a blank page to start a response.

Later to check if you received a response click on "show new replies to your posts" link at the top of the page , there you will find any threads you have posted on that have had additional replies since you last posted.

I'm sorry to hear your mom has been in poor health.  Have you told her doctor about the types of comments she is making?  Do you think she is depressed?  Or could it be something else? Do you think her comments about not wanting to live could be about getting you to do something she wants?  Is she looking for you to be her care taker perhaps?  The reason I ask is because this sounds like it could possibly be FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail.

I also question how you can be responsible for your mother's feelings.  You can not control your mother's choices, behaviors, or her feelings those are her responsibilities not yours.  You most certainly can care for your mom, and make suggestions but it is up to her to act, you can't make her do things and you can't do it for her.  The only people we can truly control are ourselves. I know you feel responsible for your mom's feelings she wants you to believe that, but you aren't she is.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Before I go I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item in it is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" section at your leisure.

Take Care 
Panda39

[DaddyBear77]

Hi birdbird, another public Welcome to the bpdfamily!

I would like to second Panda39 in saying I'm glad you found us. I'm very sorry to hear about what brought you here, though.

In your post, this line stood out to me the most... .

but today after visiting my mother it occurred to me:  at this point the pain is this weird feeling that if she does not want to live, somehow i have failed... .

Wow. This really must have been a powerful realization. What do you think about that? When you think about your own children, what do you think their responsibilities are to you? If I told you that your children are responsible for your feelings, would you agree with me? Is this current difficulty your mother is experiencing seem familiar? Is it an old pattern that's repeating itself?

You've said that your a veteran of many years of therapy - that's great! What would your therapists have said about this?

I will also add a "been there done that" in regards to feeling responsibility for my own wife's feelings of suicidal ideation (she's a pwBPD - person with BPD traits), as well as an overwhelming feeling of responsibility for my own mother's happiness and well being. I've learned that these two situations may be connected

Anyway, welcome again - I hope you find our resources and the support here very helpful as you join us on your journey.

[Turkish]

Hi birdbird,

We merged your intro into this thread.  You can find help how to navigate here:

Frequently Asked Technical Questions

she now verbalizes that she does not think she wants to live

How much of this is just someone in pain wanting to let go,  and how much of it do you think is her projecting guilt onto you,  if at all?

T

[birdbird]

Hi birdbird,



How did you wake up to your reality?

We'd love to hear more and how best we can support you 

Turkish

hi!  argh  still having trouble figuring out the "reply" button, on posts people have sent me i do not see a reply button - only a reply button on my own post.  this is weird as i am literally from the earliest days of message boards back in the 1990s before it was even called the "world wide web" !   age kicking in? 

anyway - Dear Turkish, you ask how did i wake up to reality?    i was t-boned in 2016 and in that split second before i thought i was going to die, i saw my 3 kids' faces/auras floating in my minds' eye. (my 3rd near death experience) and you can see that i lived to tell the tale!  anyway, in the emergency room i somehow figured out how to get my teen girls to find me.  i was so happy to see them.  there appeared no empathy from them though!  i was shocked to be in shock and to see there was a clear disconnect between the 3 of us (my son was only 2 at the time and happened to be at the babysitters when the accident happened). 

They were brought to my bedside by an adult friend of mine(Sally) and her teen  that my girls had grown up with who, although we were not very close, totally took me in to rest and heal in their home.  Which felt like a normal thing anyone would do for anyone in such crisis.  But my own blood family (family of origin) had no such offer or response as if I did not deserve such.  And my own children.  It was then I actually realized how I had been raised in a destructive environment, as I type this I realize how tired I am!  well, there is my first start, now to read more of the "survivor's guide" and how to navigate these reply posts!

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my initial freak outs, thank you!  now i just have to figure out how to reply back  

Thanks Turkish for direction

BirdBird (o yah, only yesterday after reviewing these boards, did i finally (and i am a psychotherapist by trade) did i actually use the word "child abuse" to describe the way i grew up, wowoodness. 

ok, off to explore more in the wee 3am hours... .

So grateful.

birdbird

[birdbird]

Hi Kwamina and Everyone!  Trying to reply to all your kind posts.   First Kwamina, sister bird!   Thank you.   I saw this when looking for the suggested "avatar".  have felt the need to be a bird for many years now, even started to informally change my name to **** Bird  about 20 years ago - i think my little child at the time was freaked out that if she should get lost in a store she would not know what last name to tell them of hers! 

anyway, thanks for all everyone! 

emotions around my mother in hosp are simmering down.  i am today more clear headed... . 

[birdbird]

Hi Turkish!  I have a message to respond to your question somewhere in this thread   thanks for asking!

[Turkish]

What step would you say you were at in the Survivor's Guide?

Personally, I can say without a doubt "neglect" I have trouble saying the "A" word because my mother told me horrific stories about her own father.

[Kwamina]

Hi again birdbird

I like your avatar

I am sorry you lost your dad last August though, losing a close family-member can be very tough. Were you able to spend time with him before his passing?

Now you are dealing with your mom being in hospital which also isn't easy. I think you've gotten some very good responses in this thread, Panda39 makes a very good point about the things you can and cannot control, responsibility and FOG.

anyway, in the emergency room i somehow figured out how to get my teen girls to find me.  i was so happy to see them.  there appeared no empathy from them though!

I can imagine how unsettling this might have been seeing your girls react this way. Looking back do you feel like they really had no empathy or perhaps that they did not know how to express what they really felt? Were they perhaps in shock after seeing their mother hurt like this?

This was two years ago, how would you describe your current relationships with your daughters?

BirdBird (o yah, only yesterday after reviewing these boards, did i finally (and i am a psychotherapist by trade) did i actually use the word "child abuse" to describe the way i grew up, wowoodness.  

So how did it make you feel using the word child abuse to describe the way you were treated as a child?

Why do you think you did not use this word before to describe what you've been through?

Take care and I too am glad you are here to tell your tale

The Board Parrot