Adult child wants to reconnect

[HopeAlso]

My adult daughter has chosen to separate herself from me for the past 5 years. She sent one email to me during that time and it simply said “c... t!”.  The email was totally out of the blue. We had not had any contact to provoke such a nasty angry comment from her. She recently sent me a letter expressing interest in reconnecting. The problem: I don’t trust her. I believe she has ulterior motives relating to her ex trying to get custody of their child. She will lose her only income ie child support.  She has lost the support of many family members and friends who have tried to help her.  To my knowledge, she seems to have no support system any more. So it’s back to mom. She has exploded at me so many times and she is chaotic and angry. I’m getting older and want peace and calm in my life. However, I still love her and worry about her. I haven’t responded to her because I’m torn. She would probably want to move in with me which would be unbearable. But I also understand that she’s sick. I understand she’s in a women’s homeless shelter now. Any advice?   Anyone dealt with such a situation? When do you say “I’ve had enough. Fix yourself. I can’t help you”. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello HopeAlso 

Welcome back.    I can understand you want peace and calm in your life, and you are torn between love and trusting your daughter - that she may have ulterior motives that centre round custody of her child, moving in with you, demands, her basically etc.

She chose to separate herself from you these past 5 years. Are you clear on your on your boundaries and limits? eg from what you say she will not move back in with you, you won't get involved in her custody case, to demands for money. If not you'll be opening the flood gates, to her chaos, I know you know this...

What did her letter say expressing interest to reconnect?

You can however provide her emotional support, help her to solve her problems herself with the support systems available to her if she'll take them, including income support for adults who do not have their children with them.

It's hard. 

Your thoughts?

WDx

[Mutt]

Hi HopeAlso,



You know your D best and I can understand not wanting to return to a life of chaos. Id like to echo wendydarling were your boundaries in the past? I also agree that you don’t want to open the flood gates you could let her back into your world a slight bit and if things get out if control you can add more boundaries. It must of been hard not hearing from her for 5 years? I’m glad that you turned to the group to talk about it.

[HopeAlso]

My daughter has become homeless and is now in a shelter. her ex has taken the child and filed for custody. Apparently something extreme happened but I don’t know what. She is now alone and ex stopped child support which she has been living on. She says that she hasn’t reached out because she thought I would help her ex gain custody “if you saw me going through a rough patch”.  She says she wants to make up because she wants to have a relationship with me and wants her child to also. I feel manipulated by the statement I quoted above.  I have no desire nor have I ever intentionally hurt her or kicked her when she’s down. And she has specifically told her ex not to let me see their child. He had told me he would never do that and he was letting me see the child for a while, but stopped some time ago because he’s unwilling to deal with her rages when she finds out the child has seen me.  I think she has contacted me because she needs help with her situation she’s in. Being in a shelter, no income, no car, the realistic threat of losing custody.  I don’t want to do any of these, but I’m unsure how well I’d do with boundaries. When I see her suffering, I want to make it better. And she has always been good at manipulating me. Why at this particular time does she want me in her life? The only honest answer, I think, is that she wants me to help her fix these problems. I don’t believe she truly wants a relationship with me.