New here: 22yr step daughter diagnosed with BPD, how much should we help her?

[JNT123]

Hi. My 22 year old stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD and other co-morbidities that are typically diagnosed with BPD. She has been in and out of our home 3 times and typically only contacts her father when she needs help with money, a place to live, or a vehicle. We obtained custody of her when she was 15. Her and her father have a toxic relationship where I have needed to intervene several times. She has burned every bridge with every family member including her mother and grandparents. We will not allow her to live with us again due to her out of control behavior, drug, and alcohol abuse. Her father (my husband) can quickly get convinced to do things for her or she makes him feel guilty for not doing what she wants. She does have a problem with lying, promiscuity, and with manipulation. She is, today, faced with living with a male stranger, she has no vehicle, nor does she have any money. She does have a job; however, she always says she is out of money. Our supportive resources for BPD families are next to none in the area we live. How much should we help her, if any,  at this point financially or otherwise? Thank you for any help or advice you can provide. We are out of answers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi JNT123

 

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear what you are dealing with, there are parents here in similar situations to you, you are not alone. As you say your step-daughter has burned every bridge with family members and you are out of answers. It must be exasperating for you with next to no resources for BPD in your area. Does your step-daughter accept her diagnosis, shown any interest in treatment, making changes for herself?

Your husband can quickly get convinced to do things for her or she makes him feel guilty for not doing what she wants, that's a difficult position for him to be in, does he talk to you about how he feels? What kind of things does she ask him to do for her, that if he does not deliver makes him feel guilty? It might be useful to look at that first as it appears connected to your question, how much if any support to provide.

This site has tons of resources offering great advice and support of the members here who understand. How are you coping, you've been through a lot. 

Glad you found us JMT123, welcome again.

WDx

[tnb]

I'm sorry your family is going through this.

I don't have much to offer, except to say that your step daughter sounds almost exactly like my daughter.  She finally broke her dad.  He can't even talk to her anymore because of the lies, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.  I am her last advocate in our family. 

Please know you aren't alone. And it is admirable that you, her step mom, are seeking answers to help her and your husband.   

[JNT123]

Typically she asks for money or financial help. She has not acknowledged her issues. She is very entitled and quickly gets angry when she does not receive her objective. She has lived with us on three different occasions and she gets angry and violent. As I have said before, her relationship with her father is toxic and with a younger child in the house it is not something I will accept. She has started therapy; however, this is something very familiar for her; she knows how to walk the walk and talk the talk to therapists. Her present therapist has picked up on the BPD and has suggested medications for the symptoms. She is refusing medications which she has done in the past. When medications have been suggested, she stops going to therapy. We have provided her with a stable home, vehicles, and somewhat of a normal environment that she destroys or rejects. She would rather live in the drama. We have told her we could not offer her a place to live or money at this point. She is "hooking up" with guys she meets online, abusing drugs and alcohol, and I'm relatively sure she has not revealed any of this to her therapist. Safety became an issue when she lived with us because of the substance abuse in addition to her bringing random guys in the house when we were not home. Basically, we are trying to find out if we support her financially or allow her to figure it out.

[wendydarling]

Hi JNT

I'm sorry your SD continues to place responsibility for her needs on you, others, and that is common as you'll see from parents experiences as tnb shares.  

Are you familiar with the tools, skills, lessons to the right   do you see any that may be helpful for you, your husband. I've learnt I can not change my 29DD, I can only change myself, how I communicate, how I change my approach, it's worked for me

How long has she been attending therapy, it's a step forward your SD is acknowledging her issues by attending, from my experience it's a slow, gentle journey, it's likely the therapist is aware of substance abuse. Quite often they 'avoid' like your SD by what you say. At one point my 29DD's DBT therapist shared with her - she's Queen of Avoidance! she got that and engaged, moved! A good therapist in my experience moves through, gently, there are so many issues to explore.  

What is the co-morbid diagnosis, meds?

We are here for you  

WDx

[JNT123]

Hi WDx.
She has been back in therapy 4 times over the last 6 weeks. Her co-morbidities include bipolar and PTSD. Her therapist has suggested she take medications. She refuses to take medications. She is currently living with her maternal grandmother because she cannot live at our house or her mother's house. She is currently without a vehicle because she got mad at a guy she met online and wrecked it. She is wanting her dad to take her looking for a vehicle soon. Recognizing her history of behavior, I'm thinking she is wanting him to go because she does not have the funds for a vehicle. Providing her a vehicle is not in our plans. We feel at some point, she must learn consequences of her actions and take responsibility for her actions; however, she does have a way of guilting her father into what she wants. I'm not sure that I would be ok with helping her financially at this point. After the last 6 years of watching the toxic relationship between my stepdaughter and her father, my initial reaction is to cut her off until she has shown some positive change. She has always had alterior motive when contacting her father and that is the only time she contacts her father- when she wants something. It might seem cold, but if it were up to me, we would let her live her life and we would live ours; however, that is not reality.  My husband is attached to her and always has been so it is difficult to cut her off. He has learned her deceptive ways over time. We just do not know how much to get involved.

[EllDee]

JNT123,

I feel your frustration! We are dealing with a similar situation... .wondering how much to help (and what helps vs. what enables). My 29-year old stepdaughter is BPD and Bi-Polar (her mom is almost for sure BPD as well, but undiagnosed/untreated). I have co-raised my SD with my husband since she was 5. She has been in and out of therapy and treatment facilities (and jail) over the past 15+ years, but at this point there's always an excuse as to why she won't go to therapy or stay on her meds or stop doing drugs/alcohol, or do anything that will help her be healthy. She doesn't like the therapist, she doesn't want to do what the therapist recommends, she's smarter than everyone else in group, etc.

Several months back, we paid her rent and bills for two months after she exploded at work and quit her last job and fell back into a bad depression. We (further in the past) had put her on our Uber/Lyft account to help get her unblocked from going to therapy or getting to work (she was making quite an effort to improve things at the time). She started out well, but eventually abused it over and over again, wasn't going to therapy or getting her daughter to school, and finally racked up $1K over a 3 week period) so we immediately put an end to the freedom of use and asked her to give us a schedule for her work and child care stuff transportation costs so we could help her with a monthly amount. (She has had several DUIs, doesn't have a car, etc.) She said okay, great, but hasn't done that so she has only public transportation as an option at this point (which is fine where we live). I feel like this was a reasonable thing to ask, but I'm sure it just made her mad at us for cutting her off and asking her to do anything to contribute to the arrangement.

She is back in a pretty bad depressive state right now and we are trying to listen, be loving, and encourage her to get help where she's gotten it successfully before. Again "You don't know because you haven't been through what I'm going through" and "I can't wait in a waiting room half the day at that place again." We worry (a lot) about her daughter (daughter is 10, spends the weekdays with her dad because mom can't be counted on to get her to school) and weekends with her mom (while her mom stays in bed and "there's nothing to do there but watch mom cry". We make sure our granddaughter knows we understand and that she can talk to us any time about her mom's condition and we will always try to help her with ideas and ways to cope, that it's not her fault, etc.) She's wonderful, in spite of the difficult environment, but overall it's so hard to know what to do to help! We are trying to keep ourselves sane and solid (doing pretty well) but really would like some help navigating the help vs. enabling area. I don't think we should pay her rent again, but it's a hard line to draw when she has such limited options. I've reached out to several local therapists this week but keep hitting the "aren't taking new clients" wall. Will keep trying.

I'm glad this board exists. It's helping a lot in the meantime. Thanks for listening/reading!

p.s. I hope it was okay to add to this thread rather than start a new one... .the story is so similar I thought it was a good place to chat about the challenges.

[whounderstandz]

Wow your story is very much like mine, she does the same with her father and gets whatever she wants from him. I've tried talking with him about enabling her but he refuses to listen and continues to give her any and everything she wants. Myself and her father aren't together (14 yrs apart). She lives with me and my boyfriend, she's 20, has never worked and has no intentions of doing so. She hasn't spoke to me now in about 2 months and lives in her bedroom, the very few times she's spoken in last 2 months was to say mean things to me. She knows she needs help but as to why she refuses to get it I'm unsure. She's into drugs and alcohol as well and I've got to a point where I don't want to speak with her again, I'm so sick of being blamed for her decisions and choices and the negativity is unbelievable.
I feel your pain and heartache, I'm at a loss myself as to what else can be done before its too late. We have no support here for BPD.
Keep the faith and god willing they seek the help somewhere.

[wendydarling]

Hi WDx.
She has been back in therapy 4 times over the last 6 weeks. Her co-morbidities include bipolar and PTSD. Her therapist has suggested she take medications. She refuses to take medications. She is currently living with her maternal grandmother because she cannot live at our house or her mother's house. She is currently without a vehicle because she got mad at a guy she met online and wrecked it. She is wanting her dad to take her looking for a vehicle soon. Recognizing her history of behavior, I'm thinking she is wanting him to go because she does not have the funds for a vehicle. Providing her a vehicle is not in our plans. We feel at some point, she must learn consequences of her actions and take responsibility for her actions; however, she does have a way of guilting her father into what she wants. I'm not sure that I would be ok with helping her financially at this point. After the last 6 years of watching the toxic relationship between my stepdaughter and her father, my initial reaction is to cut her off until she has shown some positive change. She has always had alterior motive when contacting her father and that is the only time she contacts her father- when she wants something. It might seem cold, but if it were up to me, we would let her live her life and we would live ours; however, that is not reality.  My husband is attached to her and always has been so it is difficult to cut her off. He has learned her deceptive ways over time. We just do not know how much to get involved.

I can see this is hard, not knowing how much to get involved. Providing her a vehicle is not in your plans. You feel at some point, she must learn consequences of her actions and take responsibility for her actions; however, she does have a way of guilting her father into what she wants. You are not sure that you'd be ok helping her financially at this point. So do you have an agreement over the car? And if so how will your husband respond to the request, expectation from his daughter, it helps to plan to be able to respond and using the S.E.T approach below can help.

1.16 Communicate | S.E.T (support, empathy and truth)

I thought this may help your husband, many parents here struggle how to get out of the fear, obligation and guilt.
5.09 "FOG" | fear, obligation and guilt

Attending therapy is a positive she is doing, even if she holds a negative view etc, are you and husband able to validate her, attending, reinforcing good behaviours is powerful.

WDx