Get myself into trouble when I don’t mean any harm.

[Shedd]

My ex really messed me up to the point where I have really manic episodes and have trouble with people during that time frame.

I often wonder if I’m bipolar. I wonder if people have given it to me with a narcissistic step father, and the only relationship I’ve ever had was with a BPD girlfriend.

I took on so many of her emotions. I literally felt how she felt one time scared the crap out of me.

I took on too much of her pain, and in the end I couldn’t help her.

I’m done helping people; taking on anyone’s pain.

I have a great deal of manic depressive episodes sometimes take it out on people I care about and they end up hating me.

I’ll probably be going on meds soon see if it does anything.

[Insom]

Hi, Shedd!   

It sounds like you're feeling a lot right now.  You are not alone.  I can relate very much to how emotionally intense these relationships can feel.  Not to mention the aftermath!

I often wonder if I’m bipolar.

What makes you wonder?  Have you tried therapy?  If not, how do you feel about reaching out for some extra support?

I wonder if people have given it to me with a narcissistic step father, and the only relationship I’ve ever had was with a BPD girlfriend.

I'm no expert so can't comment on the bipolar issue.  However, it's not unheard of for people to pick up disordered behaviors from the disordered people around them. We call this "catching fleas" and it's like picking up a bad habit.  Having a few disordered traits doesn't mean you are also disordered.  It just means you have some skills to develop.

I have a great deal of manic depressive episodes sometimes take it out on people I care about and they end up hating me.

I’ll probably be going on meds soon see if it does anything.

What kind of support do you have around you right now?

[Pretty Woman]

Shedd,
   It is very easy to feel like this. I know I've personally felt like this.

You know what? Someone said this the other day and it really stuck with me:

"Crazy people don't sit around wondering if they are crazy or not"

Think about that for a bit, let it soak in. This doesn't mean we don't have areas of our lives we can improve upon, it just means if you are that aware, you likely are in significantly better shape than you realize!

I am here to tell you there are millions, yes millions of people that will treat you with the respect YOU deserve. Don't stop being a loving person. Don't close off that sweet heart of yours. You can now recognize when something doesn't seem right and that, believe it or not is a gift.

Trust your instincts. If you aren't sure, don't shut off, but if something or someone makes you feel bad... .
get thee away from it. Don't allow someone to hurt you. You deserve more than that. 

Treat yourself as you would your own sweetheart or amore'. Give yourself that love, that compassion you have put forth to others.

Love the magnificent person YOU are. YOU are a survivor. You are aware and you are working to be the best version of yourself possible.

It was mentioned here if you are in therapy or not. I encourage talking to someone. I will say, that helped me immensely.

[Bo123]

A T and a Dr to see what is really going on.  It may be a chemical thing with you that you have no control over right now.  It's worth checking out if you have insurance and things may get a lot better.  Good luck!

[jinglebells1989]

My ex really messed me up to the point where I have really manic episodes and have trouble with people during that time frame.

I often wonder if I’m bipolar. I wonder if people have given it to me with a narcissistic step father, and the only relationship I’ve ever had was with a BPD girlfriend.

I took on so many of her emotions. I literally felt how she felt one time scared the crap out of me.

I took on too much of her pain, and in the end I couldn’t help her.

I’m done helping people; taking on anyone’s pain.

I have a great deal of manic depressive episodes sometimes take it out on people I care about and they end up hating me.

I’ll probably be going on meds soon see if it does anything.

From what I've read and certainly from my own personal experience it is VERY common to feel like that after a relationship with someone who has BPD or NPD or any cluster B disorder. During the fallout of the "relationship" I was in with one of these people I looked like the crazy one from everyone who was looking at what was happening from the outside. These disordered people have an absolutely uncanny ability to get you to react. This could be you raging, crying, screaming, yelling, getting in trouble with the law, getting fired, etc. All the while they just stand there with this "Who me?" expression. It's maddening.

[JNChell]

Hi Shedd. Everyone that is posting on this thread is leaving good input. I can relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve been there, and I’m sorry that you are now. Sometimes I still wonder about myself so I’m not fully out of the FOG yet. I am getting there though. Especially from the help, advice and guidance that I’ve gotten on this site. I’m glad you’re here. What Pretty Woman said in her post about people that are crazy not sitting around wondering if they are crazy hit home with me. I expressed this to a T after the relationship before my current ex ended. That T basically told me the same thing. It put me at ease. I agree with Bo123 that a therapist may be beneficial for your needs right now. Just a thought. My intake is next week and I’m really looking forward to getting started on peeling back the layers of the onion known as me. Hang in there. The intense feelings will start to ease. It is in your control to be proactive and kind to yourself through educating yourself here on this site and by possibly practicing some introspect. We only have control over ourselves. Take care of yourself and don’t be a stranger here.

[Shedd]

Thank you all.

This means a lot from me, really! I have recently been super bullied on Twitter to the point where I no longer wish to go on there.  I use Twitter as a way to make friends because I have extreme social anxiety. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but the people on there are super mean and everything I say they just don’t believe me. Even though I’ve been extremely honest with everything from the beginning. I have no lying bone in my body. I have a hard time with it so sometimes I may offend people, but I never intentionally try to hurt them.  I know that’s one reason my ex didn’t like me, that I am super honest. The not being able to lie keeps me quiet from people which is another part of my social anxiety.



That’s their problem right? Or is it mine? Is it me?

I feel like something is super wrong with them because Im not the only one this has happened to with this group of people.

But I also wonder what I did to make them be this way towards me as I thought we were friends and could be open and honest with each other.

I tend to trust people too quickly.  Gunna learn to trust my gut from now on and not open myself up to people who I don’t trust 100%

Luckily, I have some pretty decent friends in RL who I do trust. I’m going to try to focus my energy on them.

[Seenowayout]

Hi Shedd --

I want to echo what everyone else has said.  From personal experience:  I am the one of the calmest people I know, most folks think I'm a super mellow easygoing rational guy.  But my ex had a way of pushing my buttons like no one else, and I would yell and throw things and say horrible stuff and act in ways totally unlike me.  As my T said -- if you play with a pig you're bound to get dirty.  So don't be too hard on yourself.

Secondly from personal experience -- I came out of the relationship completely drained and depressed.  i didn't realize it, but my serotonin must have been non-existent.  I was resistant to meds for a variety of reason, but a quick reset has done wonders for my brain.  Please consider it.

Finally -- perhaps your gf ended up the way she did because of some awful thing that happened to her before you met her.  Who knows.  But don't let that evil that hurt you spread to your inner self and affect how you live your life.  Stay open, be loving, love yourself. 

Twitter is populated by trolls and mean spirited folks who feel they can say things on line they would never say in person.  Stop torturing yourself there.  Talk to someone live.