New here: Really don't know where to start, I so want to be a grandmother

[Arubalover]

Not sure where to start but so need some help.

I have one son who has three young children with a wife who has BPD. In order to stay in my son/grandchildren’s life I am being expected to essentially give up my own. I am increasingly tired, overwhelmed, and resentful. It has become so stressful I have considered just removing myself from their life but they are my only family and I still so want to be a grandmother.

I hate constantly complaining to my friends so I don’t but then I am lonely with it. Need a forum of persons who can help me make decisions that are in my best interest-not just a reaction to get past the current complaint, crisis , or just plain pain. Really don’t know where to start... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Arubalover

 

Welcome to the community, I'm glad you've joined us you've come to the right forum for member support, with grandparents struggling in similar situations to you, working through how to make decisions that are right for them and their situation, in their best interest as you say not just a reaction to get past the current crisis. You are not alone    It's become stressful, you are tired and overwhelmed, resentful - and it's no wonder dealing with someone with BPD can make us feel exactly as you do right now, you've taken the first step already with your post to working through this.

It's ok, we all arrive here not knowing where to start.  Let me help start us off. When you say you're expected to essentially give up your own life, in what way, can you give some examples?  Secondly, what kind of behaviours is your daughter in law (DIL - you'll see us use some abbreviations) displaying? 

So glad you are here with us 

WDx

[Huat]

From one grandmother to another, welcome Arubalover.

Being a grandparent can be the most glorious feeling.   When we were young parents ourselves, the joy with our babies was there but so were the distractions of working to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. 

So, the grandchildren come along and we are able to just focus on them... .absorb all the little miracles that come along with them grow and bask in the lovin' that they (and their parents) give us.  Well... .that is the way we would like it to be but, sadly, not always the case... .as with you... .as with me.

All stories here are different but all have one common thread... .hurt.  Part of the healing is being able to voice that hurt... .have someone listen... .have support in working through making changes.  For that you have come to the right place!

I echo Wendydarling's questions to you, Arubalover.  Hope you feel comfortable enough to tell us more.  Things can change but it is you who has to take charge. 

Huat

[Arubalover]

I so thank you for your reply’s. I have never been on a site like this and it is taking me some time to “learn the ropes.”  I will try to tell my story as best I can. One advantage to online support as you don’t have to worry about crying as you go

[Arubalover]

Will try again. Wrote my story but did not get posted. Again new at this but am determined to learn so here goes.

10 years ago my son married and from the get go our DIL was mad at us for unexplained, unexpected, random things. She was always “sick” or “exhausted” and would “take to her bed.” It was just odd. It never stopped.

Since then they have had three children (6,5, and 1). We have an adult foster daughter who has been in our family for 30 years and we love her dearly. When our first granddaughter was born our foster daughter did not go to the hospital for the birth. Our DIL was so offended she will never allow our foster daughter in her presence or in the presence of her children again. Almost immediately we lost our family unit.

My husband and I are fortunate enough to be retired and travel. She is always furious when we leave because we are spending her inheritance and “what if we need you.” Sadly my husband and I have lost three parents in this 10 years. Every funeral was disrupted by her embarrassing behaviors- drama as she is sick or overwhelmed. She is angry as our attentions are elsewhere and angry that our son is not going to inherit some of their money.

In 10 years I have hosted every holiday and every birthday (all the cooking,decorating, presents, etc.) and her parents come as well. She has this habit of showing up with random persons she has invited without telling us. She and her family say “they don’t cook or have the money to do so.” They have never reciprocated in any way.

We have enjoyed taking care of our grandchildren and we have done a lot of it. We have been their only childcare. When we are unavailable she is furious. We are punished in many ways but typically it is with cutting off contact. She “forgets” to tell us about a school program or “thought” our son had told us.  She will block our phones. Early on, after our first granddaughter was born, we followed Facebook as she posted things about the kids. She would block us because she was mad. We stopped Facebook. Just too hurtful.

Our son is a very mellow person. Always was. He has always been flexible and had few needs. We couldn’t throw an allowance at him. DIL controls all the money- he knows nothing about it. Interestingly he has not taken a day off work since Christmas. He does not complain or seem to mind. He seems content and ignores her drama most of the time. Most of what she does to us he is unaware of. She withholds information from him, pleads ignorance, innocence, or lies when she needs to without any hesitation.

My husband and I will not go to him as we feel his loyalties rightfully rest with his family. Likewise we never say anything to our grandchildren even though they are starting to ask difficult questions.

Right now our phones are blocked so we cannot call.  She is angry that I am taking a trip this summer with my friends to Europe and will not be able to attend a party she never told me about. Of course that means I will not be there to cook and decorate etc. Now she says “your family is never a priority to you.”

All if this is so hurtful. We know now that it will never stop as she can’t stop it. Only we can make changes and we need to. We are exhausted with “walking on eggshells”. We vascillate between being relieved that we are in her good graces today but worried that any random word or event will end our life with our family. We need to make difficult decisions. We don’t want to just walk away but some days it is too hard. Our only changes can be with us. The consequences are so painful.

We thank you in advance for listening and any/all advice,support is soo appreciated

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Arubalover - I'm really glad you found our family.

Your story sounds really familiar to me. My wife suffers from traits associated with BPD (we abbreviate that pwBPD here - person with BPD traits). For the entire 18 years I've been in a relationship with my wife, she had found many many different ways to dislike, demean, and put down my family of origin (FoO). She has been particularly critical of my mother.

A little over 4 years ago, my daughter was born, and while it was one of the most wonderful days of my life, it was also a very painful time for my parents. They were almost immediately forced out of the picture, and to this day they haven't had but a few hours of time with their grandchild. This situation has been incredibly difficult for them, and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you as well.

The one thing you realize, and it's a very difficult thing, is that you can change you, but you can't change your daughter in law. You can't change your son. You can't fix any of this. You know that. And so I hear you asking, what CAN you do?

Well, the first thing I'd strongly suggest is that you find help and support for yourself, if you haven't already. It sounds like you have a strong relationship with your husband? That's wonderful to hear! It may also help to find a therapist or another professional who is experienced with BPD. They can provide you with some much needed validation of the things you're experiencing. You'll find validation here, as well, but having one on one support from someone who knows is also really helpful.

You also mentioned that you don't complain to your friends. You mention you hate it. I get that. I find myself complaining to anyone who will listen. But finding a trusted friend or set of friends that you can share with (not complain), that you can do things together with while getting some of this off your chest. - I think that's REALLY important. When we keep all this pain and stress and anger bottled up, it eats at us from the inside. We need to let it out in healthy ways in order to deal with it more effectively.

How is your relationship with your son? You mention that you do not go to him, out of respect for his loyalty to his family. This is completely understandable. I would suggest, though, that even if he does not come to you, he may be experiencing some serious difficulties of his own. I mention that because it may be a hidden factor you may not be aware of. It's rare that a person with BPD traits will focus only on one person - often there are difficulties in each of their relationships.

I'm afraid I don't have much to share from the perspective of a grandparent, but I can tell you that my parents have been incredibly patient and supportive without interfering. I have come to them asking for help and advice, and they have offered it. I try very hard not to spend a lot of time "complaining" or bringing up all the difficulties, but instead focus on solutions and ways I can find a better way to live my life. IT sounds like you are doing much of this already, so I hope this can pay off for you in the long run.

I hope that some other grandparents can also reply to this thread and offer you advice, Arubalover, and I'm really glad you've joined our family.