Adult daughter of BPD mum worried about little brother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just joined :s slightly nervous for some reason - on one hand I know getting involved will bring me needed support and tools but on the other hand I'm finding this all a bit triggering - i've been reading Walking on Eggshells and it's been enlightening but also PAINFUL as I make sense of events in my childhood and I grieve for that little girl who suffered so much pain and lived in constant fear. It's all a bit sad. On the other hand I'm developing a compassion for my mom that I've never had before which helps as it replaces some of the anger and resentment. I did no contact with my mom for 3 years but ended that when my grandmother passed and I became a mother myself - the last 3 years have been... .interesting... .We had an incident recently that under any other circumstances would call for no contact to resume but I have a LOVELY 12 year old brother who is still stuck with her being emotionally abused every day. I hate the thought of him growing up like I did - I wish I could just scoop him up and take him away but I need to find a way to safely stay involved in his life and I hope to provide him with the right information and resources. She would never allow us to be alone together - no brother-sister outings allowed (god forbid we conspire against her!) So only option is to keep visiting the house. My brother's father is wealthy so he has a lovely home, wonderful opportunities and is receiving a great education but none of that matters when you're being screamed at and shamed every 7 minutes. The father sometimes intervenes, sometimes ignores. My brother idolises his dad but seems torn between loving and hating my mom... .not sure how to describe it. I don't know how to support him. I don't know what is appropriate for his age. My therapist suggests to just keep doing what I'm doing (boundaries - short visits - focus on brother - don't engage her)... .I have not reached out to her since 'incident' ... .mid January... .texted her on her birthday Jan 17th that I was thinking of her but that we needed to talk about what happened and that we needed to get help if she really feels the way she said she feels but she just made fun of me got sarcastic and said she didn't know what I was referring to. She also exhibits NPD traits and is alcoholic. Sorry that was so long... .yikes!

[desprtdaughtr]

Just joined :s slightly nervous for some reason - on one hand I know getting involved will bring me needed support and tools but on the other hand I'm finding this all a bit triggering - i've been reading Walking on Eggshells and it's been enlightening but also PAINFUL as I make sense of events in my childhood and I grieve for that little girl who suffered so much pain and lived in constant fear. It's all a bit sad. On the other hand I'm developing a compassion for my mom that I've never had before which helps as it replaces some of the anger and resentment. I did no contact with my mom for 3 years but ended that when my grandmother passed and I became a mother myself - the last 3 years have been... .interesting... .We had an incident recently that under any other circumstances would call for no contact to resume but I have a LOVELY 12 year old brother who is still stuck with her being emotionally abused every day. I hate the thought of him growing up like I did - I wish I could just scoop him up and take him away but I need to find a way to safely stay involved in his life and I hope to provide him with the right information and resources. She would never allow us to be alone together - no brother-sister outings allowed (god forbid we conspire against her!) So only option is to keep visiting the house. My brother's father is wealthy so he has a lovely home, wonderful opportunities and is receiving a great education but none of that matters when you're being screamed at and shamed every 7 minutes. The father sometimes intervenes, sometimes ignores. My brother idolises his dad but seems torn between loving and hating my mom... .not sure how to describe it. I don't know how to support him. I don't know what is appropriate for his age. My therapist suggests to just keep doing what I'm doing (boundaries - short visits - focus on brother - don't engage her)... .I have not reached out to her since 'incident' ... .mid January... .texted her on her birthday Jan 17th that I was thinking of her but that we needed to talk about what happened and that we needed to get help if she really feels the way she said she feels but she just made fun of me got sarcastic and said she didn't know what I was referring to. She also exhibits NPD traits and is alcoholic. Sorry that was so long... .yikes!

[Turkish]

Admittedly,  it can be triggering reading this stuff, but we are all fellow travelers here,  so



A support group like we are is an adjunct to therapy, so trust your T. The advice seems sound. 

It sounds like your little brother is trapped.  Are there no avenues to communicate privately, or does your mother monitor him electronically? Can you share about the incident? We are all anonymous and safe here   Tell us as much as you feel safe doing so. 

12 can be a tough age in the best of environments. I remember at 14 making a conscious choice to realize that my 18th birthday was emancipation.  I made it so... .

Tell us about your little brother.  Is he introverted or extroverted? Doing ok in school? Any signs of anxiety or depression?

Turkish

[desprtdaughtr]

Thank you for the kind words. He likely has a school email I could possibly ask him for... .He does not have his own devices he's permitted to use instagram on his father's phone. I've sent him a few direct messages there just so he knows I'm thinking of him but he says he's afraid of being caught and being accused of 'going behind her back'. We had a similar dynamic with my grandmother where any visits or phone calls between gran and I infuriated my mother and made her suspicious. So I totally understand where he is coming from. I guess I just want to learn how people protect themselves when they've made the decision to stay connected. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to reintegrate... .We have not talked for a few weeks and the more time time that passes the harder it is. It's possible she's still mad but it's also possible she's forgotten and doesn't notice. Do I just waltz into the kitchen like nothings wrong and hope for the latter? Who knows! I just don't want my brother to think I've ditched him.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi desprtdaughtr! 

Welcome to our family.  I know it can be tough to be here at times because of the triggering and painful reminders, but please remember you are not alone. We have each gone through (or are going through) the journey and will be here to support you. Hang in there! Don't forget to be kind to yourself too. What does that look like to you, being kind?

Thank you for watching out for your brother and being a safe island for him.  You truly do understand what it's like and will have a bond with him like others cannot.Here is a link with a lot of helpful thoughts of what you can do.

When are the Children of a Borderline at Risk?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

If he were a little older,  I'd be inclined to try the school email.  Given how much he's under your mother's thumb,  even a secret might not stay a secret of he were severely pressured.  You know your brother. 

A hug, a knowing smile,  a sympathetic face might be the anchors which help him cope and hopefully eventually differentiate and assert his individuality.  It plain sucks to ignore certain things,  but you don't want to be completely cut off,  yes? 16, even 15, might be different,  but 12 is so young. 

[guineap]

Hi! I am in a similar situation - with two much younger little sisters under my BPD mom's thumb and not being able to save them from her. Our dad is an enabler and often makes things worse. Have you found a way to reach out to him? I am planning on moving out in a couple of months and if my mom reverts to type, I will be banned from the house as all of the siblings between me and them who have already moved out have been banned. I want to find a way to make sure they can contact me if they need it. I keep telling them I love them and that they are not responsible for anyone else's actions, but she is around them and telling them things much more often than I can repeat these messages. I am worried about the damage it is doing.

The youngest of the pair sleeps in my mom's room with her (my dad got kicked out of the house 3+years ago) and is constantly tired with big dark circles under her eyes. I told her she could try sleeping in her room but she responded that mom needed her because she (mom) couldn't sleep alone. The other one has severe social anxiety and some anger issues and gets really upset sometimes. My mom keeps pressuring her to tell her why she is mad and the sister keeps saying she's just having a bad day, but mom won't leave it at that and that makes the sister worse.

I feel awful myself and am struggling, but feel like I have no control over helping them. I have told them in the few times that I am around them and she is not that no matter what happens, I always have a place for them and will always listen and care. I don't know what else to do. Is there anything else I can do?

Thanks.

[pbnjsandwich]

 
Thankfully, schools are set up just for this kind of thing. They can act as mediators in times of crisis. If your brother is being emotionally abused, a school counselor can step in and help. Usually it would be family therapy. Sounds like this would be a good example for that. It seems to me that, while your mother might feel she has control in her son's life, that's not necessarily the case when it comes to abusive situations. Often times, it takes an outside source to point a parent in the right direction.  My daughter's friend came to stay with us for a couple of days for the exact same reason. By law, I can't house her, so I told her to call her counselor at school and set up a meeting. She did just that. They both got help.  When a parent realizes that their abusive behavior could lead them into trouble, they smarten up quick. Something to think about.  I hear ya. Came from the same home life.