Healing My Strangled Voice

[DaughterOfHera]

As a child with a mother with undiagnosed BPD, I was often not allowed to defend myself against her behaviours, nor the behaviours of the abusive alcoholic husband she chose to remarry after the death of my schizophrenic father, nor of my schizophrenic sister.  My step-father threatened me and warned me not to talk.  Mom would often set up no-win situations for my sister and I to have to live through, and would paint an illusory picture for other adults to see so that our true situation would appear better than it was.  Each time I would make the effort to bring up the situations or her behaviours to other adults, trying to get help, I was, without exception, met with comments like... ."How could you be so selfish?  Don't you know what your mother has gone through?"  She herself would ensure that I understood that my words had no value, often times punishing me for trying to speak up.  She was always the victim and I and my words were always a burden.  I think it might be possible that many of the other adults, too, were not up for seeing the truth and so would replaced it with something else.  As time went on, my voice became strangled.  I learned not to speak up for myself, and I learned I was expected to allow reality to be replaced with lies, non-truths, delusions, and fantasies.  I learned that everything was my fault. This, in turn, lead to further challenges for me in life in regard to communication.

As an adult (with no further contact with my mother), recovering yet still with PTSD and abandonment issues, it has become important to me to practice paying attention to and expressing reality.  Most often this involves the simplicity of regular conversation that most people have... .just sticking with facts and opinions.  I love this.  IT'S REAL.  No conflict, no accusations, no mind games, no blame... .just normal day-to-day stuff.  There are times, however, when I am challenged beyond my current abilities, such as when I find myself up against more no-win situations.  Through decades of experience, therapy, and practice, I have come to know myself well enough to know that my systems are no longer built to withstand heightened conflict... .I fall apart if I even try and become further damaged.  I can manage writing my words better than speaking, particularly if allowed enough time to go over and over what it is that I want to say, however much of life does not flow in a manner that allows for this.

The other day, I had a client who was belligerent and cruel.  My body filled with cold dread.  My gut wrenched.  My heart sank.  My usual inclination when up against such people is to ask if it is correct that I am in fact a horrible person incapable of any skill or anything good. This time, however, I recognized the behaviours of the person in front of me... .they were my mother's behaviours... .behaviours that I had spent decades trying to out-maneuver... .behaviours that stem from an illness (or something similar)... .a no-win situation.  There is no reasoning to be accomplished, no sensible outcome.  No ease.  No matter what I say or try to say.

I did manage, however, to speak kindly to her, look her in the eye a few times, and send her on her way with well-wishes.  This is an amazing accomplishment for me as I normally could not manage this.  Now, still, in the middle of the night, I am sick to my stomach, am going over and over what was said / could have been said, and the memory of her aggressive energy aimed at me like a weapon feels fresh.  Given my accomplishment, though, these effects are lessoned.  These past days, I do my breathing exercises, drink my water, take my medication (which is only needed with confrontation), and access "MY PEOPLE" from my normal life whom know me and treat me normally.  This helps.  I want so badly to be someone who can manage confrontation and no-win situations with confidence and ease.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get there.  I hate the emotions, thoughts, and body pains I go through each time I find myself in heightened conflict.  In part I want to hide in my home and never leave again.  In part I want to take it head on and be strong and overcome it.  I'm back and forth between feeling good and proud of myself, and being in tears.

[DaddyBear77]

DaughterOfHera, I, for one, am extremely proud of what you were able to accomplish. Congratulations on staying mindful, of handling the situation with kindness and grace, and most of all, for staying in REALITY!

I can't say enough how amazing a feat it is to have gone through what you did, and come out of it to be where you are. I can very much relate to the idea of having just normal, regular conversations, and having that be such a wonderful experience. Most people don't understand the power of these kind of interactions if they haven't experienced long term interactions with pwBPD.

You say that you want to be someone who can manage confrontation and no-win situations with confidence and ease, and I think that with practice and exposure you can certainly get closer. It sounds like you took another step closer the other day, and I hate to keep repeating myself, but this is really something to be proud of.

I will ask, after this interaction, do you feel more prepared for the next time something like this might come up?

[Panda39]

Hi DaughterofHera,

I want to echo DaddyBear77, I think you managed the situation well.  That clearly wasn't a pleasant interaction for you but you pushed your way throught it.

I don't like difficult people and confrontation either (who does really?).  I have found being mindful and recognizing what is going on in front of me in a more rational way, not taking what is being said personally is really helpful in these kinds of interactions.  Once I'm able to de-personalize the interaction it's like all the negativity rolls off and I don't have that big urge to defend myself.  It's kind of like being in the situation but also being an outside observer of the situation. 

When I can observe from the outside, I will often discover that the person might just need to vent, or might have something else going on in their life and yes it's unfair that it's being taken out on me but even so I try to listen, be supportive where I can, and if needed diplomatically state my point of view or what I can actually do for them.  I also always own what is mine to own... .did I make a mistake... .I admit and apologize.  There will people out there that just won't hear, that blaming is what they do to make themselves feel better, or throwing their weight around makes them feel important.  Those people in my opinion are not worth your energy they will feed on the conflict... .Are you dealing with someone like that?

I will also sometimes refer a person up the chain of command when I recognize that I am not being heard or feel like the discussion is outside of my scope.  Sometimes a person will feel better if they feel they are talking to someone in authority.  And sometimes someone in authority will actually be able to do more for the person.

Remember the tools here too they can be used in these types of situations as well.  One of the best tools I learned from here that I have carried into my work world is to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  I realized that I JADEd alot an that it would be beneficial in many situations to not JADE. 

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Other tools from the BPD Family... .
Can you use SET in your interaction?  Can you validate the person's feelings (even if you disagree with their argument)?  Are you being pulled into a Triangle?... .

Do you have someone you know who handles confrontation well?  I had a friend that is really good at having difficult conversations with diplomacy I used her as an example.  Do you have someone you can emulate?  There are actually classes out there about how to handle ":)ifficult Conversations" that might be something to check into.

It's great that you are able to recognize that this is a place of difficulty for you, because only when we recognize these kinds of things can we improve them.  Keep up the good work 

I will be interested in what others suggest.

Take Care,
Panda39

[DaughterOfHera]

Thanks for the responses.     I know it's been a number of months since I posted this... .I haven't been on in a while and am feeling a need today, so am back.

DaddyBear77... .  wow, this undid me.  I'm not used to hearing anyone say that they are proud of me.  Thank you.  Seriously.

Panda38... .Thank you for some of the reminders that you've offered here.  I think I will look into finding opportunities to see how others handle difficult situations / conversations. 

I am finding it useful to go back and re-read some of the previous strings I've been in... .whether I started them or commented on them.  This one in particular is helpful in that it reminded me that I do have times when I manage better than I thought I could.  Living through so many years of hearing that I have no value leaves me feeling very strangled and frustrated, but even just checking in here sometimes can help to relieve this... .I find myself sighing and feeling some tension leave me.

[Learning2Thrive]

  DaughterOfHera,

Thanks for the responses.     I know it's been a number of months since I posted this... .I haven't been on in a while and am feeling a need today, so am back.

I’m so happy to see you posting today.  
We’re here for you whenever you feel like popping in.

I am finding it useful to go back and re-read some of the previous strings I've been in... .whether I started them or commented on them.  This one in particular is helpful in that it reminded me that I do have times when I manage better than I thought I could.  Living through so many years of hearing that I have no value leaves me feeling very strangled and frustrated, but even just checking in here sometimes can help to relieve this... .I find myself sighing and feeling some tension leave me.

I understand this.   It feels so good to feel some of the tension leaving, yes?  

 

I want so badly to be someone who can manage confrontation and no-win situations with confidence and ease.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get there.  I hate the emotions, thoughts, and body pains I go through each time I find myself in heightened conflict.  In part I want to hide in my home and never leave again.  In part I want to take it head on and be strong and overcome it.  I'm back and forth between feeling good and proud of myself, and being in tears.

This too. I loop and cycle through all these levels. You know what? We’re doing AWESOME because no matter what we haven’t given up. It’s a process. We will have good days and bad. You are not alone. We’re here to listen and support each other, DOH.

How are you doing today?

  L2T

[Pilpel]

It's very inspiring to read your experiences. You managed your interactions with a difficult person with grace and strong boundaries.   And that is an hard acquired skill that not everyone has.  

I feel you with the emotions that you deal with afterward and that feeling like your voice is being strangled.  I've been there.  Even developed a chronic sore throat that lasted for months.  When my SIL is throwing all this irrational anger and FOG at me, it feels like a unpleasant electric sensation has zapped me in my core and it shakes me up for days.  Even though I know it's ridiculous, it still shakes me up for awhile.  

[Panda39]

Hi DautherOfHera,

Nice to hear from you, what's going on that brings you back today?

Panda39

[DaughterOfHera]

Thank you ALL.  It's so important to have a venue like this for us to connect with each other, understanding and acting in supportive ways.  Since first posting this, I've had times when I couldn't cope with the no-win situations, and times when I've been able to.  I think, for me, it's a day-to-day thing, even a moment-to-moment thing.  Sometimes I feel strong, intelligent and capable, and then others I don't.  I appreciate you all... .it makes the world of difference to have this venue available 24 / 7 whenever needed, no matter what's going on in life.  Offering smiles.

[Panda39]

I think, for me, it's a day-to-day thing, even a moment-to-moment thing.  Sometimes I feel strong, intelligent and capable, and then others I don't.

This is how it is for all of us, it's called being human.  No one is perfect in every situation, all we can do is strive to the best we can in any given situation. 

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Just going to say, “Ditto what Panda said.”  We are all human. All perfectly imperfect works in progress. 

I’m glad you’re here and part of our awesome family, DaughterOfHera.

  L2T