Divorced Dads (and moms), have you found happiness?

[formflier]

Oz,

Yeah... .control is a big part of it.  My BIL doesn't have as much "fight" in him as I do... or did.  Certainly is more passive.  (not saying that is a bad thing... .just describing)

He jumped into T pretty quick and I think his reluctance to "fight" helped him detach.  He still has sort of a "she will do what she will do" thing... .and now only has about 2 more years... until kids are all 18.

He gets blindsided often with crying kids wanting things and he rarely coughs up cash.  "That's what child support is for... you can discuss your needs with your mother... "

"But Mom won't... .(fill in blank)"  again... discuss with mother.

From time to time he has offered help with cars or other things... .and that help was tied to reasonable oversight and responsibility... .the kids walked away from it... .and he didn't chase.

Sure it made him sad... .but he went on with life, yet kept the door open.

His daughter finally came back after a particularly painful move where she was "being punished" for some slight.  My SIL moves often. 

They go to their new house which is a three bedroom.  SIL shows my niece "mommy's room" and here is your brothers room and here is your other brother's room.

I think the history would have been... .but Mom... .where do I sleep... at which point the BPD punishment and "kiss the ring" queen thing and "accepting the truth in the Alice in Wonderland world" would have started.

My niece didn't react... .and just gave up.  Moved in with her Dad.  A couple months of silliness to try to get her back on track... .my wife got involved in that... .and niece turned her back on the entire thing.

She and BIL have a good relationship... .niece is in T.

Lots of stuff comes out like ":)ad did you not let us play sports?"  (when truth is in was SIL).

Anyway... .attempt to have zero control, until a line is crossed... then "got to the mat" over the issue in court if needed.

FF

[ArleighBurke]

You need to choose your fights. I don't have as much custody of my kids as I want. I'm in Australia, and it is mandated we go to "mediation" prior to court. I formally applied to have custody reviewed in Aug, and got my first meeting last week (feb) - 6 months! I had zero leverage in the meeting. If we didn't "agree", the default was care returned to what we already had. So basically I had to accept her terms.

I can now take her to court, if I want, but court will take 18months to get to a resolution. By that time, 2 of my kids will be old enough to make their own choices anyway (so a court order means nothing), and my youngest will only be 2-3yrs away from that age herself.

So fighting it is a waste of my time and money. That's a hard truth to accept, but it means I can focus my energy elsewhere.

[ArleighBurke]

As for Hobbies: I've tried many things I've always wanted to (my ex never wanted to come with me and I felt disrespectful doing things on my own). Yoga, bikram yoga, pilates, yin pilates, salsa classes, joined a gym to do pump weight classes, boxing classes, gym dance classes, I've been on 4 beach sunset picnic dates (love them!), seen 3 comedy shows, a play, a caberat/circus show - I even visited a swingers party just to see what it was all about!

I am just exploring life - seeing what takes my fancy - building experiences.

[Radcliff]

did their experience of dealing with a BPDx actually create more abilities to communicate and deal with relationship problems?

I'll jump in and answer this from the guy non's perspective.  Perhaps some day a "non" woman can give me a reference to back me up

One area I notice is empathy and validation.  I have had a lot of practice at this.  It worked sometimes on my wife, but less and less as things spun out of control.  On a visit back to my FOO, I tried it on my BPD traits sister (who has mellowed over time) and it is working great!  I have used it with colleagues at work when someone feels threatened and it works.  I know I can sit on a couch and talk to a woman for hours.  I have done it, and for very little payoff sometimes.  So, I imagine myself sitting facing a "non" woman on the couch together, thinking, "Wow, my tools are working on her, plus she's rational and not distorted!  I can't believe this is not a circular conversation!  I could do this all night!" and meanwhile the woman is thinking, "This is my dream guy!  He can talk!  He can listen!  He seems as if he could do this all night!"  And maybe, just maybe, we might end up doing other things all night 

WW

[Panda39]

I wonder if Nope and Panda39 found that to be true of their partners, did their experience of dealing with a BPDx actually create more abilities to communicate and deal with relationship problems?

As with anything I saw positives and negatives from my SO's relationship with his uBPDex.  Remember he and I had no idea what BPD was... .so he didn't have benefit of the knowledge and skills learned here.  I was with him as he gradually dropped dysfunctional coping mechanisms he used during his marriage.  I would describe it as him going back to himself, his authentic self.

Something that was a mixed bag... .He was very in tune with me and my emotions/feelings.  After coming from a marriage where I was not paid attention to this initially was really nice.  However, further on in the relationship this became a little suffocating.  My son actually noticed how many times he asked me how I was feeling.  Coming from a BPD relationship it makes sense that he was taking my emotional temperature.  We talked about this and he knows I will tell him how I feel it isn't his job to figure it out and that I will manage my own feelings and he doesn't have to.

One thing that I found frustrating and this might just be our individual styles, but when I first met him he simply couldn't say "no".  Everything was a long rational explanation (lots of JADE).  Now he likes a good debate so maybe he got some satisfaction from winning the debate, and in retrospect this approach was better than mine would have been in some situations, but man it drove me crazy.  It took him a little while to (as Nancy Reagan would say  just say "No".

He is a very good communicator not sure if that is just him (I suspect it is - Journalism Major ) or because he had to negotiate his ex (maybe some of this too)

We met during his separation and a tough 2 year divorce.  Because of this we did become a team, I was on his side, and a person he could bounce ideas off of.  He has told me that I really helped him understand when some things that were way off.  He, like I had in my marriage learned to "deal with" or minimize some things that were really not okay.  So my outside perspective was helpful.

One really strong skill of his is his ability to problem solve.  Needless to say there were a lot of problems to solve in his marriage... .and his divorce for that matter.  His desire to problem solve is great for our collaboration when we have issues we need to work through, he participates and works toward a solution. 

Although he would argue that he likes routine, he is also flexible or adaptable I don't know if he came to his marriage with those skills or developed them during his marriage.

I liked this guy from the get go... .smart, funny, articulate, honest but love the authentic man he has become, more confident man and dad, more comfortable being who is is, he's lost 100+lbs and has turned into a clothes horse   and even better he's healthier, he's better at self-care. He's fun to be with and my partner in life... .that's what the relationship truly is... .a partnership.

It has taken time to financially get on good solid footing... .There were many financial issues for him initially... .lots of debt... .Money and issues with money were prominent in his ex's particular brand of BPD.  He has tackled all of this since leaving his marriage.  Alimony ended last year, no child support payments since 2015 when his daughters voted with their feet and moved in with him full-time, and about 6 months ago he bought his first new car in years.  He is happy, healthy and doing well... .Just the way I like it.

Panda39

 

[Radcliff]

Panda39, thank you so much for your comments!  I found them so helpful.  Particularly the part about him asking you how you were feeling too much.  I can see myself doing that!  I have bookmarked your post and will refer to it if I'm ever making a fresh start!

WW

[livednlearned]

I'll jump in and answer this from the guy non's perspective.  Perhaps some day a "non" woman can give me a reference to back me up

 

I imagine myself sitting facing a "non" woman on the couch together, thinking, "Wow, my tools are working on her, plus she's rational and not distorted!  I can't believe this is not a circular conversation!  I could do this all night!" and meanwhile the woman is thinking, "This is my dream guy!  He can talk!  He can listen!  He seems as if he could do this all night!"  And maybe, just maybe, we might end up doing other things all night 

And then, after you have been dating a while and decide to move in together, you might have your first fight.

She will be upset and emotional and a bit unhinged and you will feel your own emotions escalate, manifesting in your body and making you want to run for the hills. Did you make a mistake and miss red flags? Who is this person, so different than the even-keeled communicative loving person you have been with for 18 months?

But then you remember you are Wentworth, you are not the same guy you once were. You know how you feel, you have words for those feelings, you trust yourself, you have skills, and you know how to take care of yourself. Really truly take care of yourself.

I remember my first emotional disagreement with SO --  his emotions were more intense than mine, and in that stormy sea I looked down and felt solid ground. It wasn't appropriate to smile, but inside that's how I felt. This chaos of emotion was swirling around me and in me and I thought, We're going to be ok because we both know how to repair and recover. Baseline is around the corner, maybe a few hours or at least a good night's rest away.

Two loving people understandably mad about something we had the skills to work out.

It can even bring you closer

What a concept

[Radcliff]

Yes, livednlearned.  That.  Exactly.  Thanks for shining the headlights into the distance for me!

I think smaller deviations from baseline and repairs during the courtship process, even very early on, would be observable and build trust.

WW