BPD daughter assaulted her brother...

[tnb]

My, as of yet, undiagnosed BPD daughter, assaulted my son when i was out of town 2 days ago.  He is bruised and has fingernail marks all over his arms and she split his lip in two places. She did this because he wouldn't give her a ride to her friends house when he got home from work.  He is 6'3, 195lbs and she is 5'7, 130lbs.  She is fortunate that her brother would never hurt her even when he is defending himself from an attack.

In the past 2 months she has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation and was in intensive outpatient group counseling. I attended the group counseling on family day and discovered that she was telling her counselor a false narrative, I explained to the group what had actually been happening with my daughter... .and she never went back.  I took her and the son she attacked to see a new counselor the day before the attack.  I have an emergency family appointment with that doctor today and I'm hoping this one will listen to the truth and have some guidance.

She is 21 and has burned bridges with every friend she has except for the one she is staying with today.  We stopped helping financially over a year ago except to pay medical and we have allowed her to live in our home.  After the assault on her brother, we told her to leave and that she is not allowed home.  We changed all the locks yesterday.   Ive spent the past 24 hours searching for residential psychiatric care for BPD that accepts insurance. One place told me it would be around $75,000 out of pocket, up front.  Who can afford that?

Does anyone have experience with Clearview Women's Center?  We may be able to use insurance there and it seems like it is focused on BPD.  At this point it is residential treatment or possibly living on the streets.  I have to keep my other children safe. Any information or advice is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi tnb,



I’d like to welcome you to the community. I’m very sorry to hear of what brings you here, however. This is a terribly stressful situation you are under. I’m glad you reached out.

How is your son coping with these recent events? Do you have extended family and/or friends who are supportive?

Does your daughter’s friend live nearby? How are communications with her now?

Keep posting. You are not alone. We’re here for you.  

heartandwhole

[wendydarling]

Hi tnb

I would like to join heartandwhole welcoming you to bpdfamily.

You have the meeting today, do let us know how it goes, is this new counsellor a qualified BPD specialist? False narrative is likely her your daughter's reality, I've not experienced this personally though parent's here may be able to step in here and share their experiences and support.

I'm in the UK, I'll look back on the board to see if I can find any reviews here of Clearview. One thing you can do is contact your local NAMI, or the nearest to you, they may have a member group they can put you in touch with.

I'm glad you reached out right now, you are not alone.  

Stay with us.

WDx

[Huat]

Hugs   to you, Tnb!  No parent should have to go through what you are going through.  So, so sorry!

While there is not much in the way of advice I can give you, I will welcome you here... .a place where jaws don't drop when a story like yours is told.  I firmly agree that the safety for the rest of your family is crucial and that you did the right thing in having your daughter leave the house.

I am so glad to read that there are some resources in your area and I sincerely hope you are able to seek out more.  It is a long, hard journey when dealing with a child with these kind of behaviours but lines have to be drawn.

Hope you stick with us, Tnb.   While no one can give you THE answer to make things all better,  we can be your "sounding board" as you work towards that "better."

From one Mom to another... .((HUGS)!

Huat

[RunningWithScissors]

tnb - just chiming in with support for you. 

My story is in the 'Breakthroughs... .' thread at the top of the page, but when my BPD stepson threatened and assaulted other family members, he was made to leave our home.  It was a terrible time and my husband was overwhelmed with grief and guilt.  However, it was a turning point for us all. 

My husband learned how to enforce boundaries and started to overcome the FOG that had him locked into an enabling cycle.  And, my stepson learned that he needed to learn a new way of relating to people and the consequences of his actions impacted him.

It does get better.  It will get better - if your daughter is willing to take the steps she needs to.  Regardless of what she does (or doesn't do), you have control over you, your responses and your boundaries. 

[tnb]

My son is ok I think.  He suffers from mild depression and anxiety but talk therapy, exercise, diet and really good friends seem to keep him healthy.  He put up an emotional wall to protect himself from his sister a few years ago.  He was mostly worried about his 13 year old brother who was home at the time.  We have very open communication in our home.  He did express that he cannot live in the same house with her and he cannot guarantee that if she hit him again that she wouldn't get hurt when he defended himself.  I actually understand what he means, because I have been on the receiving end of her rage many times and it is hard to not push someone who won't stop screaming an inch from your face.  The ironic thing in all of this is that he wouldn't give her a ride to her friend's home because he was worried that she would get drunk and high and hurt herself or someone else.  So she beat the crap out of him. I am waiting to hear back from his counselor about getting him in ASAP.  I am also scheduling an appointment for my 13 year old son.  I was out of town the night she assaulted his brother and he was so scared even after she left the house, that he slept with a wrench in his hand in case she came back.

Until this happened Saturday, my daughter lived with us.  She has a history of shacking up with guys or using friends most of the time.  But when those bridges are burned because they get tired of taking care of her, she ends up back here.  That cycle of coming back here is now over. that is no longer an option.

As for communications with her, she will only text with me.  She won't talk.  I scheduled an emergency session for me and her with the new counselor today at 4.  She can't understand why that would be necessary.  Again, her reality is different.  She even texted that what happened was just between her and her brother.  She doesn't have a clue what she did. I even told him it was ok to press charges but he wants her to get help before doing something like that. Fortunately when i called to cancel the appointment because she won't go, they told me that she had signed a release that allows me to speak with her doctor so I can go the appointment today whether she is there or not, to discuss her issues.

As for family support, I don't have any.  My mother is BPD and my father is the most codependent man on the planet.  If they knew anything was going on with her, I would be blamed not supported.  I do have friends who have known us since our daughter was tiny.  They know that we are very good parents and my daughter has had a wonderful life.  Because of this, my husband and I get the support we need when we are spending days trying to figure out what we could have done differently. 

Thank you for your concern and support.  While I wish none of you knew what this felt like, it's comforting to know we aren't alone.

Hi tnb,



I’d like to welcome you to the community. I’m very sorry to hear of what brings you here, however. This is a terribly stressful situation you are under. I’m glad you reached out.

How is your son coping with these recent events? Do you have extended family and/or friends who are supportive?

Does your daughter’s friend live nearby? How are communications with her now?

Keep posting. You are not alone. We’re here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Devastated Mom]

TNB, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am also new to this board (a few weeks ago) and sadly, I completely understand your situation. My D18 has assaulted her younger sister several times, at one point punching her in the face and causing her severe damage to her front teeth which cost us thousands of dollars to fix. After the last outburst a few weeks ago, she was once again physically assaulting my youngest daughter and throwing/breaking things in the house, I told her she had to leave. She has been staying with my mom (her grandmother) who she has stayed with several times before. She gravitates to my Mom because my mother enables her. While my mother supports me and understands the situation for what it is, she tends to "play both sides of the fence" and supports my DD18. I am happy my daughter has my mom and I know she is safe with her (when she's there and not out running until all hours of the night), however, It's still heartbreaking.

My youngest daughter (16) had a severe panic attack a few weeks ago, thought she was having a heart attack and called 911. I am sure it was all related to the constant fear of physical harm she lives in from her sister.  It was quite an ordeal but we finally got her settled down and got her into counseling. The entire situation is gut wrenching when you are trying to protect/support all of your children. You are angry, sad, confused, devastated... .and so many other words. I feel your pain and am so sorry for anyone who has to experience this, as I know the pain all too well.

This is the right place to be. Everyone here is so supportive and understanding. They really understand, unlike regular people who would look at us like we have two heads if we told them our stories. They have great suggestions and are comforting.

I hope the best for you. Keep us posted.



   

My, as of yet, undiagnosed BPD daughter, assaulted my son when i was out of town 2 days ago.  He is bruised and has fingernail marks all over his arms and she split his lip in two places. She did this because he wouldn't give her a ride to her friends house when he got home from work.  He is 6'3, 195lbs and she is 5'7, 130lbs.  She is fortunate that her brother would never hurt her even when he is defending himself from an attack.

In the past 2 months she has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation and was in intensive outpatient group counseling. I attended the group counseling on family day and discovered that she was telling her counselor a false narrative, I explained to the group what had actually been happening with my daughter... .and she never went back.  I took her and the son she attacked to see a new counselor the day before the attack.  I have an emergency family appointment with that doctor today and I'm hoping this one will listen to the truth and have some guidance.

She is 21 and has burned bridges with every friend she has except for the one she is staying with today.  We stopped helping financially over a year ago except to pay medical and we have allowed her to live in our home.  After the assault on her brother, we told her to leave and that she is not allowed home.  We changed all the locks yesterday.   Ive spent the past 24 hours searching for residential psychiatric care for BPD that accepts insurance. One place told me it would be around $75,000 out of pocket, up front.  Who can afford that?

Does anyone have experience with Clearview Women's Center?  We may be able to use insurance there and it seems like it is focused on BPD.  At this point it is residential treatment or possibly living on the streets.  I have to keep my other children safe. Any information or advice is greatly appreciated.

[heartandwhole]

Fortunately when i called to cancel the appointment because she won't go, they told me that she had signed a release that allows me to speak with her doctor so I can go the appointment today whether she is there or not, to discuss her issues.

How did it go, tnb? 

[tnb]

A lot has happened since my last post. 

I did attend her counseling session without her.  I told the counselor my daughter's entire history.  The following week my daughter had an appointment and asked me to attend with her.  It went ok except I don't think the counselor understands boundaries because I told her several times that my husband and I are standing our ground and will not allow her to move back home.  The person my daughter was staying with told her she had to leave by this past Monday and according to my daughter the counselor told her to discuss moving back home with us. ? When a counselor tells a patient to push other people's boundaries, there is a problem. 

It was hell thinking that she could be homeless.  At one point on Sunday I was seriously considering buying her a cheap RV to live in, because technically I wouldn't be paying rent ( Yes, I hear what I just said and I am well aware that I am an enabler).  The good news is that my husband talked me out of buying an RV and letting the chips fall where they may.  She managed to find a nice place to live with other young adults who are just getting started in life.  I was happy for a moment and had hope that she was on the right track. She still doesn't have a job and she has to start paying rent next week. But, I'll come back to that shortly.

The counseling office she goes to, also applies neuroscience and neurofeedback to change behaviors and help with emotion disregulation.  The testing takes two days and it has taken over a month to get an appointment.  Her appointmnet is in one hour from now. It will cost me $200 out of pocket if she no shows.

I offered to pick her up this morning since she still hasn't repaired her car, to take her to breakfast, to stop by a restaurant that is hiring for an interview and then to take her to her appointment.  She said yes and I told her to be ready by 8am.  I wanted her ready by 9 but in my daughter's reality that means wake up at 9 and take as long as you want because no one else's time is important. I arrived at 8:45.  No one answered the door.  I called. She didn't answer her phone. I waited thinking maybe she was in the shower.  15 minutes go by.  I walk around the house to the window next to her bed where she is sound asleep.  I knock on the window to tell her to wake up.  He roommate answers the door and leaves it open for me. My daughter smells like a bar at 2 am and her clothes are over the place.  She is still drunk. 

I leave the things from home that I cleaned and brought to her.  I told her to be ready by 10:45 and I would have an uber pick her up.  And I left.

I have repeatedly texted her and she hasn't replied.  I have repeatedly called and she hasn't answered.  I think she went back to sleep.

She is supposed to have a brain scan this morning and she went out, got drunk, stayed up all night, and basically told me to F off this morning. 

If she no shows today, I am cancelling all of her counseling appointments.  With co-pays and testing, I'm spending almost a thousand dollars a month for someone who isn't invested in trying at all. 

She has to start paying rent on Monday.  She hasn't looked for a job in the 5 days she's been there.  I offered to take her this morning for a guaranteed interview.  She got drunk instead of going to bed so that she could be prepared for all the great things that could have happened for her today.  She still hasn't been diagnosed BPD and I have almost no faith in Psychiatrists and counselors at this point.  She cons them all.  She is BPD and she is an alcoholic.  The people I am paying to help her are doing nothing.

I am exhausted.  I am sad.  I am hurt.  I am angry.  I don't know what to do.  I have exhausted all the options I know.

[Lady Itone]

Sorry to hear your daughter made bad choices. I feel for your frustration and sadness.

It sounds to me like you've done everything you can to keep her on track. You can lead a horse to water but... .

I get the whole R.V. thing. I let my exgfBPD sleep in a tent in a yard for a while when I couldn't bear for her to be homeless. It wasn't ideal, but at least it gave me a little space and peace. Eventually, I ended up letting her back in the house.

I think it's okay to allow yourself to turn your concentration away from her and onto yourself and your boys. You've really done all you can to help her, and she's a young woman not a child. Hope you and your family can find some peace. 

[heartandwhole]

I am exhausted.  I am sad.  I am hurt.  I am angry.  I don't know what to do.  I have exhausted all the options I know.

tnb, I’m so sorry. What a difficult situation to be in. I can really understand your feelings. You clearly care very much and have been trying to support your daughter while also taking care of your own wellbeing.

I think letting her know that you will be there for her when and if she is ready to move toward recovery may be the only thing you can do right now.

Hang in there, and keep us posted. We’re here to listen. 

heartandwhole

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ShelliAnne]

Hi tnb - I just joined this site.  I have a 24 year old daughter, BPD, only child.  I am currently in grad school, working on my masters in Social Work.  I sit and counsel people all day at my practicum, and I am at a loss how to fix my own kid.  The social worker here needs a social worker.  I read, with interest, your post.  I did not know that there was such a thing as inpatient hospitalization for BPD.  I am certain that my daughter would never agree to go; she is a legal adult.  But I do find the idea of the hospital you mentioned, intriguing.  May I inquire what state you are in?  I would be interested in looking this facility up, just to see the nature of their services.  Thank you, Shelli (and totally OK if you prefer not to say where you are - I understand.)

[wendydarling]

Hi tnb

I'm so sorry to hear after all your efforts this last month she's unable to help herself, is unbelievably frustrating and sad. 

As heartandwhole suggests letting her know that you will be there for her when and if she is ready to move toward recovery may be the only thing you can do right now. What are your thoughts about this? Others here are waiting for loved ones to take that step.

WDx