Button Pushing How do deal with it?

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,
I need some help with this. I've been reading the lessons, learning about the tools. But today was absolutely chaotic! Does anybody else have days like this with their BPD person? It's nearly 3 am and I'm still up in arms about the whole thing.

It starts very near the moment I open my eyes in the morning, or first put me feet on the floor, barely awake in the kitchen, making coffee. And then it comes... .the criticism, served with contempt, often stated as a question, dripping with disdain, demanding that I give an answer for something. But I haven't even been awake enough to DO anything to criticize!

I tell myself, don't engage, don't argue, don't take the bait. And maybe I don't. I'll just say I'm not going to argue with him. But then, he ups the anty... .making it worse and worse. It's as if he's not satisfied until he has our home and relationship in complete conflicted disrespectful chaos. His parents  are this way. His dad does this to his mom. So I'm halfway thinking this feels like home to  him, and he's trying to recreate that environment?

I've gotten pretty ok at not responding to him, when it's about me. But,,,he's figured out something I can't resist responding to... .and that is his trying to teach our son something he knows I severely disagree with. Often it's nothing too severe, but enough that I fee like I need to step in and try to talk to my son.

Today it had to do with vowel sounds... .I teach my little fella at home, and we had been working on short and long vowel sounds. He understood it, and did well with it! NOW... .insert my BPDh undoing all that work to teach him how to say light and night and such in a thick southern accent. And telling him that its correct where we live to talk that way. My button is severely pushed... .

Could you its jump in here... .what do you do with yourself, and the situation that doesn't make it worse? Self care? Step back? Validate what about what he did? Ugh... .this is hard! But I want to do the right thing here.

Help. I failed at this miserably today!
Thank you!

Dig.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Dig,

I hear ya, my "h" can undermine things in an instant. Quick answer: I'd go work on my own patience and self-soothing. We can only do our best each day!

What will you try tomorrow on this issue?

warmly, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi pearl,
Tomorrow is apology day for me. Owning my part in the chaos, that I was upset enough to try to fix the issue my way, right then.

I tried to redirect my son right then, in the moment, and I should have waited until my husband had left for work. But I have to say that to him differently, like... .Inshouldnhave let you guys finish wrestling around the floor and playing while you were home and saved lessons for later.

The other half is attempting to acknowledge that many people DO talk that way here. But they are often not professionals or very successful. Just because some people speak with a thick accent does not mean it is equally correct. Our S4.5 already has a limb difference, a short arm, it will not serve him well in life to have a thick southern accent to overcome to work professionally as well. He can understand people who talk like that, but not necessarily speak it himself.

Working on finding common ground with my h... .that we both want s to be successful.

Thank you... .self soothing. My new skill to learn is self soothing while allowing things to be wrong for a time. Hm. I think breathing and finding a little good smelling hand cream is good to be my key. I love Crabtree and Evelyn's evelyn Rose scent. It's a major calming thing for me.

Dig

[lighthouse9]

Hey Dignity& Strength,

This is a tough one - on one hand there's the BPD stuff and the button pushing, and on the other there's the complicated issue of social class and how accents play into perceptions of social class. (Disclaimer, I'm a sociologist and I teach about this stuff)

When I talk about this stuff in a classroom, I tend to try to get students to think about it with some middle ground, like you did in your post. Yes, people talk like this and there's nothing inherently wrong with it. AND (not but), talking with an accent like this is less acceptable in a professional setting and you'll be judged wrongfully based on your accent, not on your skills, abilities, character, etc. This doesn't mean YOU are wrong or the way you talk is wrong, but it means that people have used this accent as a signal for something, which is totally unfair but also the reality of most professional situations. Have you heard of the term code switching? It's a thing people do when they move between language dialects, depending on the situation they're in, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. I talk really differently around my family than how I talk with my PhD peers. AND, in more times than I can count, my PhD peers or advisors have "corrected" my language when I switch back to talking like I do from home, often times in a moment of passion or anger or something else. It's annoying and classist but often gives me pride that I can switch between two worlds fluidly and they can't.

The hard part is conveying that to a kid, right? It sounds like you want to give your kid every leg up you can in a world that isn't quite fair, especially when he already has to deal with a limb difference. (Random note - but have you heard of the lucky fin project? They do some really cool stuff for kids with limb differences.) Are there ways that are age appropriate that you might be able to talk to your kid (and your husband) about finding some middle ground on the accent issue?

Then, there's the even harder part of separating that whole complicated situation out from a partner who consciously or not is pushing your buttons. That's a lot! I really like your idea of redirecting. Sometimes all we can do is redirect and step out from the button pushing moments. Sometimes that makes them even angrier. But, those moments usually validate for me how much the "thing" itself has so little to do with me and with reality and how it has so much more to do with them and their emotions that they just can't articulate in a health way.
I really like Pearl's self-soothing suggestion, too. I'm working on this one as well.

Good luck! And hey - give yourself some credit here if you're not already, these are two hard situations, all wrapped up in one. You're doing great.

-L

[Dignity&Strength]

Oh thank you, lighthouse! That's exactly it. A social class thing as well. Just a quick note, I brought out My Fair Lady for my little guy, while we were by ourselves, the one with Audrey Hepburn. It's above my little guy, mostly and as a whole, but I used it to try to explain how Eliza really was a good girl, but the way she talked kept her on the streets and dirty, whether she deserved it or not. Interestingly enough, Professor Higgins is an excellent character example too, of how NOT to treat another human being. Even though he is a higher class, that doesn't make him any nicer.
Great points. Thank you so much for your input and encouragement.
Dig

[lighthouse9]

Hey Dig!

What an awesome, innovative way to show this complicated thing to your little guy in such an age appropriate way! I might have to look into that idea for when I teach

I'm such a firm believer that kids can really understand so much more than we give them credit for, and after reading through some of these boards it is amazing some of the ways that parents have found ways to talk about BPD with their kids, too. It really blows my mind in such a great way.

Good luck - and I hope the button pushing settles down for a little bit, it really is the worst isn't it? My best friend told me something when my wife started the separation process and really dysregulated: be ready for her to push buttons you didn't even know you had. Eek!

[GaGrl]

I made the distinction in classes I teach between "standard English" and "dialect."  It allows me to focus the class on speaking, writing and observing standard business practices regardless of their original dialect or background, without making social or cultural judgments.

[isilme]

I'm not sure of the age of the child, but I grew up with two "southern" US parents but lived my formative years moving around the northeast coast - the result is that I have very little definable accent, so I am told.  The worst I picked up is a habit of saying "y'all" instead of "you guys", and addressing anyone older than me as "Miss So and So" or "Mr. So and So" instead of simply calling them by their first name. 

Your child may benefit from diction coaching, but overall, unless he is fighting a speech impediment and needs speech therapy, a speaking pattern will naturally emerge based on all influences, not just one parent with a drawl.  TV, movies, friends, these will ALL affect how he hears and pronounces words, so try not to stress overmuch about it. 

Get this - I am part of a group that sews dolls on facebook - we had a big discussion one day over whether the word ":)oll" can in any way rhyme with "ball, wall, awl," etc.  It seems for most Americans, regardless of region, the answer was "yes," while UK and Austrailian members were very much a "no."  People even took to posting videos of how they say all the words in question, with the UK individuals pronouncing "doll" the way I say "dull". 

I work at a university with people from all over the world - there are a myriad of accents present, and no single one really denotes higher class or intelligence than others, and frankly, speaking properly even here can make you sound snobbish.  So try not to stress about THIS, especially if your spouse is trying to use it to goad you into fighting with him to vent HIS anger and negative feelings. 

[Dignity&Strength]

Bingo, isilme!

It is totally about goading me into an argument with him. He doesn't even speak this southern accent very much. If he does, it's somewhat in the manner lighthouse was describing, talking one way with close friends and another in a more formal setting like church or work.

It's all about getting a rise out of me. Pushing my buttons. My background is with handling about 200 11-14 year olds at once, with musical instruments,and with me being the only adult in charge. I'd say, I have control issues, . I'm used to getting all those kids to learn music (which requires a lot of obedience) just because they want to. My H is the equivalent of the worst behaved, oppositional defiant drummer in the back of the band room.

So, learning for things to be out of control, about something educational, is a challenge. I'm more of an artsy messy person though, so maybe I'll catch on fast.

It truly is about his getting a rise out of me. I'm certain one of his close childhood buddies did this to his x, and is coaching my h through how to obtain recordings of me behaving badly in the house. So I'm mindful of that too. It's not about getting along or a peaceful home to him, I don't think.

I like the difference in teaching between dialect and standard English, thank you for that, Gagirl. I can word things like that with my son, who is almost 5.

It has been a day or so since the blowup chaos over this. My h has been gone to work all this time, and will be back home tonight. Either he will milk this incident to continue the chaos, or it will simmer down, only to wait for another topic of escalation. I never know what it will be, only that it is most often something involving our son now. I try to mentally brace myself to respond, detach, not take things personally, and often "go gray rock".

Thank you all, so much for talking me down from this last chaos. I hope to be able to return the favor.

Dig

[isilme]

Either he will milk this incident to continue the chaos, or it will simmer down, only to wait for another topic of escalation

I know it's not easy, but do you see a pattern of any kind that correlates to your H seeking to start a fight?  In hindsight, I can usually look back and have an "oh yeah!" moment of clarity where the ACTUAL cause for his underlying need for a fight, usually NOT about me but visited upon me, can be seen.

Like I know when certain events are coming up, he is likely to be on edge.  Or I can look back and see that his uncertainty about work made him want to fight me to express negative emotions he does not seem to know how to express otherwise. 

Is there something going on at work, in his health, or with other family members, anything you can think of, that may be spurring some of this unpleasantness?  I only ask not so you can "fix" it, but so, sometimes if you are aware, validation is easier, or you are more on your toes about when a fight is REALLY about something related to you or your actions, and when it's just him venting in a very unhealthy way.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi isilme,
As a matter of fact, a lot of it is very predictable. I have learned not to trigger certain things, although it feels like I'm enabling him to avoid dealing with his issues sometimes.

The hot weather in the summer makes him very unreasonable, because he eats very little, works outside in the heat, and works shift work. The food control, almost like an eating disorder, can be improved by getting him to eat a little carbs and sugar. Like, if he will eat a sandwich with 2 slices of bread, that is better than a meat and 3 veggies. He restricts most diet fads from the 80's that he saw his mom do, plus the low carb diet features of today. So in the summer, it's almost as if his body is burning it's own muscle for fuel.

Also, very strangely, the 4th of July is a major trigger. Something about that holiday and the fireworks. I strongly suspect his was sexually abused on that day when he was a child.

I have learned over the years to get out of the house before the dog days of summer start, and most certainly on the 4th.

His obesssion with food and keeping his body the exact same size it was in high school points towards a sexual predator dropping him when his body matured. That's my theory. I think it was a coach in his school or at the YMCA, or possibly even his father. His father displays strong signs of social anxiety, oppositional defiant, low self esteem and male privilege with misogyny.

Holidays where there are gifts make him angry, and he is even angrier if any gifts are given to him.

Shopping bags set him off, even grocery bags or new fruit on the counter that signals I've been to the grocery store sets him off.

Crumbs on the floor set him off. Things out of place, which makes living with a small child really really set him off. Although he blames me for my sons toys and changes of clothes being in the living room.

The mail does it too, especially the bank statements. He insists on every single receioynand transaction be entered into a log book and compared to the statements. He insists on comparing them himself, and gets very frustrated if he ant make them match. He refuses to let me do it. Says it's his money that he lets me use.

If I can keep chocolate covered raisins in a jar on the counter, that helps. When the Halloween candy comes out in the fall, that's usually the end of the summer heat anger.

Dirty dishes in the sink do it, even if they are from cooking all day to make him food to have for work that week.

Also, if I succeed at something, or wear something with color or pattern. The work trip where I putninnceramic time backsplash by myself in our kitchen really upset him, even though he agreed to let me do the project.

If I stay on the toilet too long, or go more often that he thinks I should, have  a headache, Or am getting sick, or if I need a Sunday afternoon nap, ... .I simply am not allowed to be human.

The day after our wedding, he was extremely standoffish, and his reason was, "Indont want you to get the idea that I am satisfied with your body." I am 5'9", wear an Ann Taylor size 10.

Visiting antique shops together or watching old children's cartoons seems to improve things. It's... .taken away so much of who I am,  of my dignity and worth as a person.

There's more, but that's essentially the "pattern" of it. He firmly denies anybody ever sexually abused him. Denies his eating problem. Denies how he treats me at him. Acts shy and quiet in public. He says nobody will ever believe me. I wear a recorder at all tims when he is home. And save the recordings. There are several years worth now. But it's not enough to be able to make him get help. He knows I record in the house. He just doesn't know I'm wearing it.

I truly wish I knew how to help him. I had hoped the recordings would help somebody believe me, who could help him. I think they will go in a safe deposit box for my son, when he's old enough to hear them. It's his entire childhood so far on tape.

Any ideas? You are right. Seeing the pattern and having the recordings is validating and gives me a limited sense of control back. But t hasn't help to change him at all. I can't let him hear any of it or tell him. I really think he could lose it and hurt somebody if he could hear himself.

Sorry, that's a lot more than you asked for. You sound like you are pretty familiar with the pattern thing though, to ask if it was there. Spot on instincts with that line of thinking.

[Radcliff]

Dignity & Strength -- I was a reasonably well-behaved trumpet player.  Except for that time that I borrowed a tympany mallet during a long rest in the middle of a concert and thwacked my buddy on the head with it in 7th grade.  Poor Mr. Miner.  When I saw, "Mr. Holland's Opus," I almost sent him a letter of apology 15 years later!  On the accent thing, I agree with the others that you have nothing to worry about. 

lighthouse9 -- I enjoyed your point about code switching!  For many years, I alternated worlds between a research lab and a volunteer fire department.  I really had to clean up my act when I went to work after a weekend or evening on shift at the fire department!  I enjoyed both dialects

WW

[waverider]

With regards to accents you son will copy what his parents and his peers do more than what he is actual taught to do. I think arguing about it does more harm than the fear warrants, in fact it can create a cultural cringe.

[isilme]

Seeing the pattern and having the recordings is validating and gives me a limited sense of control back.

This is good for YOUR validation, which is very important to keep us as sane as possible when dealing with the kind of gaslighting and alternate histories we can face. But does it help you validate HIS feelings, to offset some of the grumpiness?

BPD is always a work in progress, but I am working on makings sure when I know an unpleasant period is coming up to validate his feelings about it as soon as I get an inkling he's "going down the rabbit hole".  Obviously, this is not perfect, but like for Thanksgiving and Christmas, he ALWAYS gets very moody at the family visits we have to make.  Travel upsets him, being around his family he both likes and hates, he wants to impress them but feels they hate him or think badly of him (basically, all his negative self-feelings are blamed all on them), not being in our house upsets him, etc.  I KNOW this is coming every year.  Grumbles about how Thanksgiving and Christmas are just the same darn holiday a month apart, how the government will eventually realize this and move them. (eyeroll).  So I try to let him know I understand he does not like travel.  That he wants to visit his family but it makes him sad to see his parents in poor health and not take care of themselves.  That he likes to see his cousins, but that their forceful personalities can be tiring.  That I'd very much like to stay home sometimes, too. 

Does doing anything like this "I am annoyed by the dirty dishes, too - it really makes me feel better when there is time to clean them and put them away."  "Summer is hot and annoying" 

Food and looks -H is also obsessed with his body-image.  I think a lot of pwBPD have self-worth issues and fixate on physical appearance - being skinny, being pretty/handsome, as a way to avoid feeling bad about themselves.  He sees photos of himself and makes the most horrible comments about himself then tries to push those comments off as if I or a friend has said them.  If there WAS abuse in his past, and he has shame associated with it (likely), BPD will certainly work to make him avoid facing it at all costs.  AND, his physical fixation will likely try to extend to enmesh you.  H sees me as an appendage I think.  When he doesn't like something I am wearing, he is offended and can't nicely say, "I don't think that is the best dress today, that looks like it fits you weird, whatever."  It's always "don't you have any better clothes?  You look terrible in that and I don't want to be embarrassed around you."  Because I am triggering HIS feelings of how HE looks. 

Anyway - does seeing the patterns give you better tools to diffuse things at times?

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everybody,

Wentworth, that's funny. Mallets are useful for many things, . Quite a few of my former students apologize for all kinds of things. Generally, that's what being a kid is for, goofing off, and band is the perfect social family for that. But no hitting!

In hindsight, I see the social cringe, waverider. I accidentally reacted, had my buttons pushed. If I could see it coming, I would possibly have been better prepared to respond.

So... .yes, I guess so, isilme. If I know the patterns and triggers, I can be prepared to respond and not react. I'm not sure if it's totally healthy, but I sometimes can avoid the situation altogether, which feels a lot like avoidance and appeasement sometimes. But it keeps peace. And saves wear and tear on my emotions.

I wish it were possible to have a healthy conversation with him about making those stressful times easier. Denial happens. And if I insert in his lunch and mention those helping him work in all the heat, he refuses to eat them for spite.
He says he doesn't want anything altering his state of mind.

I learned that when I tried to make barbecue sandwiches instead of barbeque plates. I was trying to stretch our groceries and improve his mood. He refused to eat the bun and used my leftover veggies I had saved for supper that night instead. So I had to make more supper and he was angry from lack of carbs and from my attempt to discuss is with him. So, we don't eat barbeque in our house. Burgers are a safer bet, but only if the buns have high values... .organic, nongmo, sprouted grains, etc. My H is 5'10 and hardly weighs 140lb.

Seeing the pattern. It helps. But I wonder how much appeasing I should do? Like, if I go grocery shopping, I try to make the items blend in with what is already there, quickly, before he sees them all in the bags. The number and size  of bags sets him off. Would it be better for him to see his overreaction? Have to put out that chaos? Or avoid? My S4 sees me panic to get home before daddy does sometimes, to put them away. He sees his daddy make mommy answer for bananas on the counter.

I am thankful to not be the only one who knows what this chaos feels like. Thank you, everyone. Here's to better skills! I surely do need some more!

Dig.

[Radcliff]

Dig,

On the appeasement thing, one way I look at it is the effect it has on us.  So if you get home, and are mindful that a bunch of grocery bags on the counter will set him off, putting the groceries away before he gets home is a fine way to avoid conflict.  Why wave a red flag in front of a bull?  But if you're driving home, feeling rising stress inside you, he comes home while you're in the middle of putting the groceries away, and you panic because you feel like the prison guards are coming, that's no good.  I've had similar situations where I'll calmly try to tidy something up before she notices, high five myself if it works out, but if I get "caught" violating an unreasonable expectation I just ride out the storm and don't feel bad about it.

Put another way, you can only bend so much to keep him happy.  It will never be enough.  So bend where you can, but don't lose yourself.  Don't bend so much that years from now, you find out that you're a pretzel and he's still unhappy.  When you can safely do it, sometimes not appeasing, and just facing into the heat blast is a good way to not lose yourself.  If you can never safely stand up for yourself, then you will lose yourself, though I know that's a situation you are brilliantly working to avoid.

WW