Precious Time -- Do you have as much contact with your FOO as you would like?

[Radcliff]

Distance from our family of origin, and struggles with our pwBPD about contact with our FOO, are common themes here.  It's been on my mind a lot in the last year.  About a year ago, my mother-in-law died at about the same time I realized I was putting in too many hours at work and not spending enough time with family.  In May, just as I made adjustments to reduce work hours, hoping it wasn't too late to make better connections with my parents, we found out that my mother had terminal lung cancer.  She was fortunate that some targeted treatment gave her several months of symptom-free time, but she just got some test results back that indicate that the cancer is about to catch up with her.  The doctor is recommending that she not pursue chemo, since it would make her miserable and not be effective.  The doctor's guess is that she has 3-8 months left.  She is 77, which seemed old to me 10-20 years ago, but now seems young.  I'm sad that the last few months with her have been clouded by the disruptions in my home, and sad that my wife's inability to parent now makes it more difficult for me to be there with my mom (she lives a plane flight away).

I would say that over the years, we've done tolerably well keeping my parents in our lives, but not great.  My mom is not the easiest person for a daughter-in-law to deal with, but not terrible.  She's a little clumsy emotionally and unconsciously self-centered.  Not a great match for a BPDw.  My wife has alternately alienated me from my mom and encouraged me to be a good son.  When she alienates, she takes reasonable concerns and blows them up to the extreme.  Other times, she really does a wonderful job encouraging me to stay in touch.  But while she encourages me to stay in touch, family visits for her are so stressful they don't happen as often as they should.  My parents are divorced, and my dad is a caretaker, so his needs have come last, and he only visits after the grandmothers have had their time.  More than any active alienation, though, the thing that has had the biggest impact is just the swirling vortex of need that is a BPD relationship.  All possible energy going to keeping things calm with my wife, working, and taking care of the kids.  Things like self-care for me, and relations with my FOO get crowded out.  Honestly, I have to own most if not all of this, since my lack of boundaries has allowed this to happen.

I know many of you struggle with similar or worse issues.  What are your thoughts on your situation?  Are you getting as much time with your FOO as you would like?  If not, what can you do to turn the tide and make things better?

Radcliff

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ozmatoz]

RC, sorry to hear the new about your mother.  77 does seem too young.  I hope you can find some time soon to spend with her.

I have always had a close relationship with my immediate FOO and ok with extended.  Very limited contact with my wifes FOO as they all live about 6 hours away.  We moved away from her FOO because it is a rural area without a lot of work available for me.  Moving closer to my FOO made sense because it is outside a major city and there are plenty of good employment possibilities.

uBPDw has always resented moving away from her FOO even though I would describe her relationship with them as tepid.  I believe her mother was BPD and her dad was abusive and out of the picture (I've never met him).  For years it seemed like she was ok with my family and at times seemed to enjoy it.  But as time moved on I believe her resentment and possible jealousy over me having such a great relationship started taking its toll.  We spent less and less time with FOO, it was always "too much" hassle to see extended family.  My parents have a lakehouse and its a beautiful place to go.  For time she enjoyed it but as her relationship with me started to deteriorate so did her relationship with my FOO.  Now I worry about keeping relationships going for my kids sake.  My parents have been a big part of their lives.

I see my mother during the week because she helps out once and awhile but I'm not really allowed out to see my dad anymore like I used to.  Its sad, I can't even get time to see my aging grandfather. 

Hoping for more time soon.  Life is too short.

[Radcliff]

I'm not really allowed out to see my dad anymore like I used to.

Oz, thanks for the reply!  That sentence above caught my attention.  Any idea why?

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi RC

I hope you are doing well. I am incredibly sorry to hear about your mother and all you are going through. I am in quite a similar position. My mother, who is 81, was diagnosed with aggressive small cell lung cancer in August of 2016. She is in a nursing home, as she is unable to walk and is partially paralyzed on the left side as the result of a stroke she had following a suicide attempt in 1979. My mother has taken anti-depressant medication for 40 years. Her doctors said her body cannot tolerate chemo. She was given the option for a treatment that would give her "months, not years'', but she declined to take it as she is not having any symptoms. To this day she claims she has no pain and believes God has healed her. We are fortunate for that.

I feel a lot of guilt regarding my r/s with my mother. I do not visit her as often as I should. I know that it is because I experience high levels of anxiety involving our r/s. I tend to avoid what is exceptionally uncomfortable, yet I do love my mother and I feel so guilty because it is hard for me to visit her and talk to her. She did not raise me. We lived in the same house, but due to her suicide attempt (which was quite intense; she actually shot herself) my older sister took on the role of parent when I was a child. I do not hold resentment towards my mother, because I also have major depressive disorder and I have been "acquainted" with many forms of mental illness between myself, my FOO, my uBPDh and his FOO. I simply do not know how to handle the powerful emotions I experience surrounding my r/s with my mother, her illness, my childhood... .I also lost my father in Sept of 2014, and my r/s with him was not what you would call "healthy". He was a verbally and emotionally abusive man given to explosions of temper, and he was finally diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 84. I believe he struggled with it most of his life, but he would never have admitted it. He also had dementia, and I tried to be his caretaker at the end of his life, but it was almost impossible to deal with the stress of that plus my uBPDh. It seemed like whenever Dad needed me, my h would step up the BPD behavior and force me to choose between the two of them. Once, when my father's dementia had worsened and he also had just had a major surgery, my uBPDh attempted suicide and ended up in ICU for 3 days. I spent all my time running from the hospital to home, trying to please both of the needy men in my life. It was exhausting.

My entire r/s with my h has been exhausting. I know that I neglected my parents many times because of the drama I had to deal with in my marriage, between BPD and substance abuse. We were always in financial crisis, or there was an addiction issue, or the rages would escalate into physical abuse. The last seven years of my life have been so unstable. And now that I have an order of protection and have separated from my uBPDh, I don't know how to get my emotions together and then I have the "mom" guilt thing as well. I work six days a week, as a server in a restaurant. I bought a car which broke down two weeks later, and still isn't fixed. I am staying with a co-worker and trying to save money, trading babysitting with another co-worker because I can't afford daycare for s2. I am trying to sort out all my emotions surrounding the abuse in my marriage and the separation from my husband, and meanwhile I have my mother's impending death hanging over my head and I feel like the worst, most selfish daughter in the world. You are right, my lack of boundaries caused much of my failure to be the daughter I wanted to be for my parents. But now I am separated from my h, and I find all these other reasons to be excuses and I wish I could just face the anxiety and stop being immature about it. I do love my mother. I don't know how to relate to her very well. I am not a social person and face to face communication is difficult for me in emotionally charged situations. I combat anxiety with avoidance, which is not healthy or effective.

Time is so precious. I am wasting the little I may have left with my mother. Thank you for this post, RC. You helped me to face something I did not want to acknowledge. I am going to see my mother tomorrow. Who knows how many days I may have left to choose to do that?

I sincerely hope for the best regarding you and your family. You remain in my prayers, and thank you again for posting.

Redeemed

[RolandOfEld]

RC thanks so much for opening this thread. I've been mulling starting one on the same topic.

First, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. My mother died 10 years ago after fighting cancer for 5. It was a very similar situation in that she couldn't take the pain caused by the treatment anymore and decided to stop. She went about 3 months after that. Seeing her on those last few days is the most painful memory I have. Can't image how hard it must be, facing your current issues and this at the same time. Sending you all my strength during this time.

I've mentioned my FOO problems on here but here's the simplified version. My wife used to have a good relationship with all my family members until the kids arrived, after which she got much more sensitive to how she was treated and regarded. Bear in mind my family can be a bit insensitive at times, and my dad borders on Aspergers-like behavior, but I think they've treated her decently for the most part even though much focus has switched to the little ones. In summer 2016 we took them to the US for a long stay with the great grandparents, and some unpleasantness with my dad's new wife (she's a horrible person, objectively) led to my wife being against almost everyone and not letting my grandparents see the kids on the phone after we returned to her country. I bought in to all of her issues (which stem from real feeling, just exaggerated) and became cold and distant with my relatives. Not long after that my grandmother died suddenly, and I think its an unspoken assumption that us not letting her see the kids had something to do with it. Needless to say I didn't fly in for the funeral.

Fast forward to now. After not talking to my brother and sister in law for a year, now I'm trying to get in touch but he ignores my calls and emails. I have a new niece I've never seen and a nephew I haven't seen in close to 2 years.

My wife is very supportive of calls with my grandfather since my grandma died, and she's OK with the occasional call with my dad. Actually, I would say she's supportive of contact with everyone for the most part now, but I know the wrong comment or look from someone can still edge her into dysregulation.

Honestly, I still feel traumatized by the whole ordeal.    

Last night my Dad called me. My wife ducked out of the room but listened in. Miraculously, this time she didn't get upset. Maybe it's getting better. Maybe it was just a good day.

I've never told any of them about her problems and don't intend to even though it would clear me of some crimes. But I'm still the one who did those things and need to take responsibility.

Either way I'm trying. Things might never be what they were. But maybe they can be better than before.

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, wow, you have a lot on your plate.  I am so glad to hear that you are seeing your mom!  Don't expect yourself to be perfect.  A great philosophy here is one from Dialectical Behavioral Training (DBT).  The ":)ialectical" part refers to accepting the BPD person as they are, yet also recognizing the need for change.  This philosophy can work for us "nons" too!  Recognize the huge challenges you've faced in life, and give yourself credit for the fact that along the way you were always doing your best.  It is possible to accept yourself for who you are, yet also strive to change.  Make sure to keep an active thread going on your own progress so we can keep up to date and support you!

Roland, thank you for sharing.  I'm glad to hear that things are looking better with respect to contact with your family.  Keep it up!

RC

[pearlsw]

Nice post topic!

In my case I am sometimes afraid to contact my family members because my "pwudBPDtraits" tends to weaponize all he can against me. Even in the white phases he is saving up for a rainy day to find or create a weak point for me that he can exploit. I am often afraid to contact them because I don't want to draw attention to anyone that he will then use against me later in some fashion. It is one of the main reasons lately that I am more certain than ever I cannot go on like this. I don't even feel like I can tell him any nice news that I discover about my family as even that can get weaponized. Being with someone I have to hide things from or can't openly express my feelings to is over the line for me. I wish there could have been a way to deal with this problem, and other related problems, in a healthy, "normal" way, but I think things have reached a point of no return. The pile of problems is so big and this one just is too much.  Him insulting my grandparents at times was huge. (He is lucky I have self-control and am non-violent.) I try not to give him too much power with this, but I definitely struggle with it.

I have some wonderful, fun, amazing family members who I would at least like to have the chance to have in my life. Life is too short to miss out on the people who bring happiness (okay they bring some pain too) while having to put so much energy (as I have had to do) into the one person who has brought so much unhappiness, fear, sadness, confusion, and pain like I have never known into my life than all the other humans I've known put together. sigh. 

[Tattered Heart]

This is a topic I've been thinking a lot about too, but from a slightly different angle. My H does get grouchy if I want to spend too much time with family, but at the same time, my FOO doesn't want to spend a lot of time together in general.

My mom has a life of her own. She feels engulfed if we talk more than once every couple of weeks. I remember once I called her 2X in a week and she kind of scolded me, asking me what was going on and why I was calling so often. She sets aside a time and calls each of my sisters and I and that's the most contact we have, except on FB. My sisters and I don't' talk very often at all. We text each other about once a month and share news but that's about it. We are spread across the country.

I've been learning a lot about attachment lately. And I think my sisters have some similar issues with closeness. I'm wanting to start trying to reach out to them more often and maybe trying to push past my mom's emotional distance too.

[Radcliff]

I've been learning a lot about attachment lately. And I think my sisters have some similar issues with closeness. I'm wanting to start trying to reach out to them more often and maybe trying to push past my mom's emotional distance too.

TH, that's a great idea!  Folks get in a comfortable groove that can go on for decades.  In many ways, it's easier to not have much contact.  You don't have to think about it, or have expectations.  Plus, life's pretty busy.  I like the idea of leaning in, and being a little more inclined towards contact than the other person, so that over time, more closeness may grow.  And however things turn out, you'll know that you didn't let those years go by without reaching out.  Texts can be a nice way to just tell someone to have a nice day.  I've had pretty good luck with that with my daughter at college, though I need to do it more.

RC

[ozmatoz]

Oz, thanks for the reply!  That sentence above caught my attention.  Any idea why?

RC

Its because it is time not with her.  Plain and simple.  It means I've chosen FOO over her.  Throw in that she stole my phone and read some tough texts about her in an exchange with my dad last summer when she was threatening his director position at the bank... .well he's painted black too. 

Sad.

But thank you for getting this topic going.

[Radcliff]

I'm not really allowed out to see my dad anymore like I used to.  Its sad, I can't even get time to see my aging grandfather. 

Oz, thanks for the reply!  That sentence above caught my attention.  Any idea why?

Its because it is time not with her.  Plain and simple.  It means I've chosen FOO over her.  Throw in that she stole my phone and read some tough texts about her in an exchange with my dad last summer when she was threatening his director position at the bank... .well he's painted black too. 

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth there.  I'm slowly clawing my way back.  My question was why she has the right to "allow" you to see your dad.  I totally get it, and I've absolutely used the term "I'm not allowed to" and had people look at me like I have three heads!   So, as the pot calling the kettle black, I'm suggesting that you challenge this prohibition.

RC

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth there.  I'm slowly clawing my way back.  My question was why she has the right to "allow" you to see your dad.  I totally get it, and I've absolutely used the term "I'm not allowed to" and had people look at me like I have three heads!   So, as the pot calling the kettle black, I'm suggesting that you challenge this prohibition.

RC

  Right on. I'd like to second RC in challenging you on this too. I used the term my H wouldn't allow me to _____ fill the blank and the response I got was: He is your H, not your parent. He doesn't "allow" you to anything. You don't need permission. You can have conversations about whether something you want to do works out with him, but he doesn't bestow permission.

[walkinthepark247]

I really needed to read this today. My wife has been increasingly hostile to my parents. She is incredibly rude and childish at times to them. Yet, my parents have bent over backwards to accommodate her and make sure she feels welcome / loved. Last night, she made a rather snide comment about my parents. I reacted exactly how I felt, by saying that was a rude comment. Perhaps it isn't from the BPD validation playbook. I am human and it did bother me. The result was silent treatment for the rest of the evening and extreme awkwardness today.

Moving forward, I cannot and will not remain silent. I am still struggling with the "permission" aspect of all this. Like many of you have experienced, there is this intense need to always control.

[Radcliff]

I really needed to read this today. My wife has been increasingly hostile to my parents. She is incredibly rude and childish at times to them. Yet, my parents have bent over backwards to accommodate her and make sure she feels welcome / loved. Last night, she made a rather snide comment about my parents. I reacted exactly how I felt, by saying that was a rude comment. Perhaps it isn't from the BPD validation playbook. I am human and it did bother me. The result was silent treatment for the rest of the evening and extreme awkwardness today.

Moving forward, I cannot and will not remain silent. I am still struggling with the "permission" aspect of all this. Like many of you have experienced, there is this intense need to always control.

walkinthepark247, sometimes, we just have to speak up, because if we don't, we're invalidating ourselves.  So, that actually is from the BPD playbook.  We just have to pick our battles, since there is always a cost, as you point out.  As long as your motivation was to be honest and true to yourself.  If your motivation was to modify her behavior, it's not likely to be successful, as you know.

What are some actions that you can take to honor the relationship with your parents?  For example, if you don't call them regularly, setting up a regular call every week or every other week?  This is an action that you can control.  If you get pushback, you can resist it.  But the most important way to address it might be to think about how you might want to act with intention to strengthen your relationship with your parents, and perhaps their presence in your children's lives.  Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't go changing everything at once, of course.  What is one concrete change you could make?

RC

[walkinthepark247]

RC,

Admittedly, I could be better about communicating with my parents. When things were extremely low (just a mere few months ago) I was talking to my parents almost daily. The problem then became that we were rehashing my crappy marriage each and every time we talked. My parents are very supportive and really want a relationship with my spouse. The switched kinda flipped when I realized that we were talking about the marriage each and every time we talked. It almost became like we talked about nothing else. There are times when I just want to escape from my relationship stress. So, I did begin to avoid my parents calls. It's such a fine line you walk between involving family and then getting too caught up in the matter (for me at least).

[Radcliff]

RC,

Admittedly, I could be better about communicating with my parents. When things were extremely low (just a mere few months ago) I was talking to my parents almost daily. The problem then became that we were rehashing my crappy marriage each and every time we talked. My parents are very supportive and really want a relationship with my spouse. The switched kinda flipped when I realized that we were talking about the marriage each and every time we talked. It almost became like we talked about nothing else. There are times when I just want to escape from my relationship stress. So, I did begin to avoid my parents calls. It's such a fine line you walk between involving family and then getting too caught up in the matter (for me at least).

Yes, involving your FOO in current marriage troubles is a tough call.  I told my FOO almost nothing until the restraining order.  Even now, on the phone with my mom today, she was talking about how the situation was affecting the kids, and I totally shut her down, it wasn't helping me.  I'm happy to talk about anything going on in my parent's lives, and about positive stuff about the kids, but not so much about the current situation.  Once in a while I'll lean on my dad for support, since he went through some rough times with my mom, but we'll hit a point where he'll just keep talking and I've got to go lie down.  My general philosophy is that if you're still engaged in the marriage and there's still a chance for a good marriage outcome and for the BPD spouse to have a good relationship with our FOO, it's better to keep up the marital "united front."  The big exception would be for domestic violence and abuse, where one needs to use any and all means of outside support.  And by "marital united front" I don't mean blowing off the FOO, I just mean not sharing much about troubles with the BPD spouse.  walkingthepark247, I'm not so much commenting on your situation specifically -- I'll leave it up to you to determine where you land in all of this.

RC

[Radcliff]

Tonight, I'm reading a post from another member in an abusive situation who is trying to decide whether or not to inform his family.  I'm remembering that I existed for years in the "domestic violence and abuse" zone before I told my family, since I didn't really identify myself with that category even though I knew things were wrong and miserable.  So perhaps I should modify the position I stated above (because y'all should keep in mind how well it (didn't) work for me!).  Perhaps it's better to say that any time you feel your coping skill stretched to the limit, if you think your family would be helpful, talk to them.  You can always adjust the level of disclosure to increase what you tell slowly.  But don't become isolated.

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Perhaps it's better to say that any time you feel your coping skill stretched to the limit, if you think your family would be helpful, talk to them.  You can always adjust the level of disclosure to increase what you tell slowly.  But don't become isolated.

Good suggestions on this RC. As you know I'm getting ready to bring my father in on the situation for financial / emotional support as I prepare to ask my wife for a separation. At first I wanted to tell him the whole messy story including everything she did but on the advice of other members and your post I only plan to at first disclose very painful marital problems in which I'm half responsible (which is true). I don't plan to talk about the BPD or abuse both towards me and the children any time soon since I am still holding out hope for a future reconciliation.  Also it's hard to say what a family member might do if you tell them too much - they could possibly get very angry at the pwBPD and yell at them, which does little good to the non trying to contain an already difficult situation.

I might also ask my dad to pass along the news to my brother since it might explain my past behaviors and get him talking to me again. It would be a huge stone off my heart to have him and his family back in my life.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Good suggestions on this RC. As you know I'm getting ready to bring my father in on the situation for financial / emotional support as I prepare to ask my wife for a separation. At first I wanted to tell him the whole messy story including everything she did but on the advice of other members and your post I only plan to at first disclose very painful marital problems in which I'm half responsible (which is true). I don't plan to talk about the BPD or abuse both towards me and the children any time soon since I am still holding out hope for a future reconciliation.  Also it's hard to say what a family member might do if you tell them too much - they could possibly get very angry at the pwBPD and yell at them, which does little good to the non trying to contain an already difficult situation.

I might also ask my dad to pass along the news to my brother since it might explain my past behaviors and get him talking to me again. It would be a huge stone off my heart to have him and his family back in my life.

~ROE

Roland, I would advise against telling your father that you are half responsible for the situation.  That is not true.  Also, once you get safe and start to deprogram from your experience, you'll realize that you own less than you feel you do now.  (You'll also find some new things you own -- let's just say your perceptions of ownership will change).  I've done a fair bit of thinking about telling people things in stages, and I've watched a couple of friends do it.  My guiding principle is that as you peel back layers of the onion, the deepening story has to continue to make sense to them.  You don't want them to feel whiplash from a quick change in direction.  That wears them out and hurts trust.

In my experience, most people respect it when you tell them something general, but hold back details.  They don't want to know more than they need to know.  You could tell your father that your wife is having some serious trouble on a couple of different fronts, and you are trying to get her help, but it may involve a separation and some legal/therapy expenses to do what you need to do.  Yes, you are telling him that she's in a deep hole, and in order to get him to be confident in her again, it will take a compelling story of recovery.  But, that's the truth of the situation.  And compelling stories of recovery do happen.  

Bottom line -- my advice is to be sparing on the details, but not leave a false impression that paints you in a negative light, misdirects people, or that's hard to correct later.  Being truthful helps people to help you in the way that you need to be helped.

RC

[walkinthepark247]

For those on the fence about "telling"  parents, I offer this observation.

Many months back, things were spiraling out of control with my marriage. My wife physically attacked me twice in the span of a week. She had attacked me in the past. This time was just very, very different. It was extremely bad and she was leveling some pretty heavy untrue accusations at me. I remember the first time I called my parents. My heart was so heavy because of what was going on and I felt like I was losing it myself. This was actually before I even knew the acronym BPD. I honestly didn't know whether I was going to be kicked out of my family home or come home and find the kids gone.

My dad answered the phone that time and I said: "I need your support right now." I then lost it and couldn't even get many words out through sobbing. I had been holding it all in for so long. My father was very understanding and said "We know. We notice that there are some real concerns every time we come to visit you." For whatever reason, I thought I was disclosing some sort of secret. It was patently obvious that there was a problem.

To clarify my earlier statement, my wife also dragged my parents into it. She called my mother and leveled some pretty horrible accusations against me. I was "the problem". She was the one who "wanted to save the marriage" and I "didn't care about anything" and was only horrible to her. She even convinced her own mother that I was having an affair. Her mother (my step-mother) then proceeded to call my parents (who she doesn't speak with) and level a lot of vitriol towards them about me.

I know that this isn't completely in line with the original post. But, I still struggle very much with the response of my mother-in-law. At the same time, I recognize that she's got some real issues herself... .Should I ever expect an apology? Should i just pretend like these horrid accusations never existed? I'm still struggling with that because my wife does seem to be making some progress.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi walkinthepark, thanks for sharing. It's a great reference for me. I fully expect my wife might try to turn her sister and friends on me once things get going.

I understand wanting to sweep past offenses under the rug when they seem to be doing better. I haven't said anything further to my wife yet about destroying all my clothes. But I think even if you don't bring it up you should be logging it yourself to keep perspective on the situation as a whole, not just from day to day and week to week. This was RC's advice to me. It's helping me to keep my resolve about action firm. I easily forget what she's done to me and will do again, but looking at the journals reminds me.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, I bet a lot of members who have not yet told their parents but are in terribly difficult situations and need support would find that their FOO knows more than they think.  After it all came out, both of my parents said that while they didn't know the extent of it, they'd known something was off for years.  Last summer, when I was pushing back against my wife and she was doubling down, my wife dysregulated loudly and dramatically in front of my father -- the first time I'd seen her do it in the presence of any other adult.  It was awkward, but I was also glad to have someone understand what I had been going through.  My father gave me a lot of support.

On the documentation thing, I am still using the documentation to keep my resolve.  I really can't look at it too much, but from time to time I have had to copy documents or videos for therapists, lawyers, or the evaluator, so I get a glimpse from time to time.  The pull back to my wife -- the hope, the guilt -- is still so strong, I need reminders.  I don't want to be the guy that obsesses over past wrongs and loses a chance at reconciliation with someone who has truly changed, but I am watching carefully, and the empathy issues, impulsiveness, failure to be accountable, etc. are still there.  The documentation has been very helpful to give to my therapist, too.  It helps her and me understand what I've been through, and she is able to validate me.  When my D17 halfway talks me into thinking that it wasn't that big a deal, my therapist says, "Radcliff, the look on your wife's face in those videos is chilling."  Without the documentation I'd have a pretty messed up head and nobody would understand, and many would not believe.  The documentation has been literally life changing.

Getting back to the original post, I suppose this latest turn in the thread is illustrating one of the reasons why it's good in general to stay in touch with our FOO's.  Abusive situations develop over time, and one key component is isolation from FOO's and friends.  A strong FOO relationship is good insurance against abuse, and in non-abusive relationships, it indicates healthy boundaries which help keep everything on a better track.

RC

[DaddyBear77]

Getting back to the original post, I suppose this latest turn in the thread is illustrating one of the reasons why it's good in general to stay in touch with our FOO's.  Abusive situations develop over time, and one key component is isolation from FOO's and friends.  A strong FOO relationship is good insurance against abuse, and in non-abusive relationships, it indicates healthy boundaries which help keep everything on a better track.

Radcliff, this is a really great thread and an excellent insight.

I am late to jump in here (I must have missed this thread!), but as many may know, I've personally struggled with staying connected to my FoO.

I can feel the clock ticking on my parent's time left with us on Earth, and I also have brothers that I rarely see and a niece I've only met once. Seeing what's happening with your mother and all the other stories, it's becoming more and more urgent for me to nurture and reestablish my relationship with them. I know time can be cut short in a heartbeat.

Thanks again for this thread, Radcliff, and my thoughts are with you as you navigate this really difficult time.

[walkinthepark247]

All,

I wanted to follow up on this post. If there is one resolution I am making, it is to get my young kids around healthy families that they can witness/observe. In the past, I would ask my wife whether we could do something. “Can we go to this wedding?” I got so beaten down by the negative responses that I stopped asking.  My reality, which I have accepted through therapy, is that I cannot ask my wife like many in happy / healthy relationships can. Instead, I must simply say “Oh, look! We were all invited to this [insert family member’s] wedding. I am going to go look at hotels now.” This is precisely what I did yesterday. Of course, it is not accepted well. But, it’s really a form of boundaries. “Oh, and the family reunion is coming up to! How about that! Kids did you see this! All your cousins are going to be there. Isn’t that wonderful?” It’s really kinda liberating and makes me giddy.

I do offer to let her look at the hotel. Hey, come take a look at this one. I've picked that gem up on this site. With my wife, I find that she gets even more dysregulated if given options.

[Confused1017]

Hi RC,

I hope you’re having a good day.  I Am So Very Sorry To Hear about your Mother- that must be really hard on you.  :)o you think that if you explain to your wife that your dear Mom only has months left to live, in a gentle Way to ur wife, and that you would really like to spend as much time as you can with ur Mom right now... .do you think she may be a Little bit more sympathetic, given the circumstances?
   I am pretty new to the whole BPD experience, but life is short, RC.  My brother and I lost our Mother to cancer when we were children.  It completely devastated our family and our Dad- it broke him.  Things were never the same- she was the backbone of our family, and a wonderful human being.  I normally don’t push so much, but I just Don’t want You to have Any Regrets regarding time spent with your Mom... .I’ll say a prayer for your Mom. Sincerely, Confused1017

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247 -- Rock on!  That is totally awesome!  Thanks so much for the update.  You are really doing wonderful things for your kids.  I wish that I'd know what we know now when my kids were the ages of yours.  Use your BPD knowledge to the max, and keep growing it!  I am so happy for you!

Confused1017 -- Thank you so much for your kind words!  My wife and I are currently separated, and she is the restrained party on a restraining order, with supervised visits with D12.  So, I need to hire an overnight babysitter to visit my mom.  I did it once, a few weeks ago.  We are waiting for a report from a custody evaluator to determine whether supervised visits need to continue.  If my wife were to get permission to do overnight visits, I could be at my mom's half the time, which would be fantastic.  I'm not sure that's the right thing for D12, though.  We will find out about that in a week or so.  Whatever the report says, we'll hopefully have some certainty around custody and supervision for a few months, and I can make plans around that to spend some more time with my mother.  In the near term, I'd like to develop a habit to call her every day, spend some time digging up family photographs, and spend a bit more phone time supporting my sister and aunt who are local to her.

RC

[Radcliff]

Confused1017, I'm sorry, in my last post I meant to extend my sympathy for the loss of your mom.  I am so sorry.  My wife lost her dad when she was a toddler, and a dear friend lost her dad at an early age as well.  I have seen the pain and sorrow that it can cause, even decades later.

RC

[walkinthepark247]

I should add that she typically doesn't look at the hotel. Instead, she just makes snide remarks. But, I do want to work on the relationship and feel that given her the option to chime in on the hotel is at least giving her the option to participate.