Do you think he will ever try to come back?

[alexvidaa]

Hi everyone,

My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. He has been suffering from what we both thought was depressive episode since November, but from doing more research and from talking to my therapist/family members that are LCSW/friends with BPD, I'm pretty sure he has some form of BPD. We've been together since December 2016 (known each other since oct), and started a LDR eight months later once he started school somewhere else.

We were a really great match for each other, and we both felt so lucky to have found each other. We were both each other's first love, first everything. I honestly couldn't believe that we both thought we found our first match on the first try.

In november, he suddenly became distant, would try to say things to me to get him to hate him as much as he currently hated himself, and would say things like "I don't know if I love you anymore because I don't miss you when we don't talk." Talking everyday became too much and he said he needed space, but it seemed to me that he just used that space to distance himself even more from me. He expressed to me having feelings of really bad thoughts and that sometimes he felt like he was better off not waking up after going to sleep, but I did not know what to do or say to that. He goes to a therapist, but I recently found out he has not told him about the things he feels at all. I went to visit him and his family for 2 weeks during the holidays, and he seemed to go back to be better. Every time we are physically together, things between us seem better and he wants to pull me close again, but once I leave he pushes me away so hard.

Once I left from visiting him and his family, three days later he broke up with me out of no where. He told me that the depression was too much, he said awful things to me to get me to go away and leave him, begged me to find someone else, and said he did it because he cared and loved me too much to drag me down with him. I was absolutely heartbroken, but ended up visiting him since he bought me a plane ticket to see him 2 weeks after that, 3 days before the breakup. We met up and he told me that he was absolutely ashamed of how he treated me and the things he said, and that he still wanted me and loved me, but felt that a relationship was too much while he was trying to get better. Over the few days I was there, we connected again and we both knew that we were each other's "home." He expressed more sentiments of the bad thoughts again too, but he agreed to let me help him find better therapists who could actually help him. We both needed time for ourselves, and decided to not talk as much to give him space and me time to apply to graduate schools and etc.

Two weeks later, he called and broke up with me out of the blue saying that he didnt want to be in the relationship anymore, cared about me too much to drag me down, and didnt know if he loved me because he didn't miss me and etc, which might be a part of the condition. He said the only way that he was going to get better was that if he started doing well in school, which hasnt been happening since he's been feeling extremely depressed, anxious, and detached. Also he told me he never wanted me to contact him again and right after he hung up, he blocked me on literally every mode of communication. Throughout the past few months, I've noticed the patterns of pushing away, bad opinion of himself, and saying things he doesn't mean, but it just seems to get worse every time we visit then leave (which makes sense now). I feel lost, confused, and hurt, especially because we were best friends first, and I was willing to stick by until he got better. I don't understand why I was blocked and etc. I know his mind is confused and hurt too, but I've just never experienced something like this before.

Over the weekend I tried calling to see if I had been unblocked, and I had been! But then, I was blocked again almost immediately after he rejected the call. I sent some emails saying that I wanted my stuff back two days ago (I left some very expensive stuff over at his place), and he told me he wants me to leave him alone, never contact him ever again, pretend he doesn't exist, and that he has totally and completely moved on with his life. He placed all the blame on me and told me he decided he wanted something else from life than what we had both previously talked about (which is a future that he came up with, btw!)

From reading a lot of forums and other stories, I've come to understand the behavior and why it happens, but I guess the true question is that, does he really mean he doesn't want to talk/get in contact ever again? Do you think he will ever try to come back? Is this the true end? This is the hardest effort he has ever made to push me away (with blocking me for no contact, telling me to go away, etc). Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. I don't know what I want to do in the future, because I don't think I can emotionally handle the extremities of the push-pull right now.

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[Maxpax2011]

Not all do, From what I have read, at least 75%, but there are some that move on and find a new partner, without looking back. From my personal experience, they do tend to keep a connection with you in some way, even if it is just as a friend, just in case they need you down the road, a lot of them including my ex, recycle former partners, as they are easy to catch than a new partner, it takes a lot of work to love bomb someone they don't know so with you they won't have to work so hard to try and get your attention, at least according to their logic. My ex and I recycled several times, even when I thought it was over after she found someone new, she came back when it didn't work out with the other guy, this happened twice, and yes I am that stupid ha!. She has even recycled other exes, from what I heard. But this last time I left for good and even when she had someone new she still tried to keep a connection with me in some way, in case her new relationship didn't work out, they always have to have a fall back, some secondary connection, they go back and forth because their emotions are so unstable, they want something one minute then the next they want something else. My ex contacted me several times while she started dating the new person, she even wanted to keep having sex. The day my ex and her new partner announced their relationship on Facebook, she actually called me twice, both times I didn't answer because my phone was on the charger downstairs, when I finally got to it, I saw two missed calls, then a text a few minutes later from her telling me to leave her alone. I found it odd since she was the one calling me, but as I learned about their behavior they have such extreme emotions, and with the lack of controlling those emotions, they tend to have no impulse control, hence the push/pull behavior, the "I hate you, don't leave me". You leave then out of know where they want you back. All along since the break up she kept telling me it was over, this what it, no more trying, we are done, and out of nowhere I would get a text or a call, just to see if we still had a connection. When I finally cut her off and blocked her, and told her I am moving on and never contact me again, I thought that would be the last I would hear of her, then on New Year's Eve, I got a message on my Facebook from a fake profile, it involved crude details of their sex life, which I can only assume was the boyfriend, and she was behind it because he would not have known who I was had she not told him. They also put out facebook posts that I was a stalker, I never reacted, just went on with my life, and again once I figured I would never hear from her again, on my birthday, she posted some pics of her and the new partner, along with a few posts directed at me, one thing I found odd, was that her Facebook is always private, and all of the sudden on my birthday she makes public posts and public pics, that I could see, as I have her blocked I could not see myself, but because of the stalking accusations friends of mine keep an eye on her facebook and they noticed the change, someone on this site stated that was a way for her to try and reengage me, maybe get a reaction out of me, we have been no contact for 8 weeks, so she might be starting to feel the anxiety of not having that connection with me. As I am going on and on , this is an extreme case, but it does outline the probability that he will be back in some way or another, it could be as simple as a hello, or to blame you for everything, emotional support, sex, or even want you back, whatever it is, has nothing to do with you or what you want, it has only to do with that they want. Best option is to go no contact, block him from everything, and move on with your life. If you don't you will forever be caught in the make up/break cycle, the dreaded relationship recycling, and keep in mind it takes no time for them to move on and find someone, he could have someone in a few days or a week, they have a habit of doing a lot of sexual encounters with random people, it is a very common behavior with BPD, so keep that in mind, if he does come back. Mine always had a guy lined up within a month of one of our breaks up, she never waited, and they usually don't.

[Skip]

Not all do, From what I have read, at least 75%, but there are some that move on and find a new partner, without looking back. From my personal experience, they do tend to keep a connection with you in some way, even if it is just as a friend... .

Hey max, are you referring to this survey?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. He has been suffering from what we both thought was depressive episode since November

I think this is the thing I would focus on... .its only been a week... .depression... .holiday season... .keeping your stuff.

This suggests that you don't over react or close in on him now - rather find something to agree on and then back-off for a couple of weeks. Some times the best thing is to just agree with him.

Play the long game. Go neutral in your emotion (happy, still interested, give him to have all the space he wants plus 10%).

Work with us here to get through the emotional part of this.

To answer your question, break-up make up recycles are very common. They will often happen repeatedly and then on hits that doesn't. This doesn't yet sound like the latter.

[Maxpax2011]

Hey max, are you referring to this survey?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

Yes I was, and i was also speaking from my personal experience.

[xyz-Girl]

My boyfriend also did the same thing. I am actually going through the same situation right now. He is a high functioning diagnosed pwBPD, he agreed to send me my stuff back when he gets the chance, hopefully by the end of this week. He has being a roller coaster and exhausting and confusing. First he doesn't want me anymore, then it is all my fault, then he wanted too give me another chance, then he needs a time and then confesses me he went out on a date with some girl and had an amazing time. All in a period of 4 days. I truly feel your pain of confusion and feeling of being cheated on. Mine contacted me after 3 days of NC and then we got into a fight again, i still need to learn how to deal with him. Getting better at it while he is taking his time. I would say that if you guys really had that deep connection, i think he will contact you back, but as everyone says, it is up to you to decide if you want to deal with this again, because it will prob happen again. My relationship is also long distance, and it makes everything worse. Hope you find peace, but still continue working on yourself and your life, maybe he'll come  back maybe not, but you need to be better in any case.

[Skip]

i still need to learn how to deal with him. Getting better at it while he is taking his time... .

And these recoveries take patience and strength. If we get anxious and try to force things, we devalue our self to the other person and it's not attractive and they back off further.

I saw a women last week running after her two labs in the community... .I stopped and she said she had be chasing them for a mile. As she would run at them, they would run further. I suggested that she walk home and that I would tell her what the dogs were doing (vis text) as she walked away.

They stopped. They went a little further away. Stopped. Then started running full speed home.

[xyz-Girl]

And these recoveries take patience and strength. If we get anxious and try to force things, we devalue our self to the other person and it's not attractive and they back off further.

I saw a women last week running after her two labs in the community... .I stopped and she said she had be chasing them for a mile. As she would run at them, they would run further. I suggested that she walk home and that I would tell her what the dogs were doing (vis text) as she walked away.

They stopped. They went a little further away. Stopped. Then started running full speed home.

This is so true! I honestly believe this is even something that people w/o BPD react to. I think it is the under appreciation of their partner, they think they will always be there but once they start feeling the distance, they come back. How conscious pwBPD are about this behavior? Do they do it intentionally? that is something that i feel so against to.

[alexvidaa]

Not all do, From what I have read, at least 75%, but there are some that move on and find a new partner, without looking back. From my personal experience, they do tend to keep a connection with you in some way, even if it is just as a friend, just in case they need you down the road, a lot of them including my ex, recycle former partners, as they are easy to catch than a new partner, it takes a lot of work to love bomb someone they don't know so with you they won't have to work so hard to try and get your attention, at least according to their logic. My ex and I recycled several times, even when I thought it was over after she found someone new, she came back when it didn't work out with the other guy, this happened twice, and yes I am that stupid ha!. She has even recycled other exes, from what I heard. But this last time I left for good and even when she had someone new she still tried to keep a connection with me in some way, in case her new relationship didn't work out, they always have to have a fall back, some secondary connection, they go back and forth because their emotions are so unstable, they want something one minute then the next they want something else. My ex contacted me several times while she started dating the new person, she even wanted to keep having sex. The day my ex and her new partner announced their relationship on Facebook, she actually called me twice, both times I didn't answer because my phone was on the charger downstairs, when I finally got to it, I saw two missed calls, then a text a few minutes later from her telling me to leave her alone. I found it odd since she was the one calling me, but as I learned about their behavior they have such extreme emotions, and with the lack of controlling those emotions, they tend to have no impulse control, hence the push/pull behavior, the "I hate you, don't leave me". You leave then out of know where they want you back. All along since the break up she kept telling me it was over, this what it, no more trying, we are done, and out of nowhere I would get a text or a call, just to see if we still had a connection. When I finally cut her off and blocked her, and told her I am moving on and never contact me again, I thought that would be the last I would hear of her, then on New Year's Eve, I got a message on my Facebook from a fake profile, it involved crude details of their sex life, which I can only assume was the boyfriend, and she was behind it because he would not have known who I was had she not told him. They also put out facebook posts that I was a stalker, I never reacted, just went on with my life, and again once I figured I would never hear from her again, on my birthday, she posted some pics of her and the new partner, along with a few posts directed at me, one thing I found odd, was that her Facebook is always private, and all of the sudden on my birthday she makes public posts and public pics, that I could see, as I have her blocked I could not see myself, but because of the stalking accusations friends of mine keep an eye on her facebook and they noticed the change, someone on this site stated that was a way for her to try and reengage me, maybe get a reaction out of me, we have been no contact for 8 weeks, so she might be starting to feel the anxiety of not having that connection with me. As I am going on and on , this is an extreme case, but it does outline the probability that he will be back in some way or another, it could be as simple as a hello, or to blame you for everything, emotional support, sex, or even want you back, whatever it is, has nothing to do with you or what you want, it has only to do with that they want. Best option is to go no contact, block him from everything, and move on with your life. If you don't you will forever be caught in the make up/break cycle, the dreaded relationship recycling, and keep in mind it takes no time for them to move on and find someone, he could have someone in a few days or a week, they have a habit of doing a lot of sexual encounters with random people, it is a very common behavior with BPD, so keep that in mind, if he does come back. Mine always had a guy lined up within a month of one of our breaks up, she never waited, and they usually don't.

Oh my gosh, that sounds really painful and exhausting! My ex uBPD is I suppose unusual in the fact that 100% he is not one to cheat, nor is he one to get close to easily. He doesn't have too many friends either, and honestly most of the time, prefers to be by himself. He told me last time he got this way, the only way out of it was a year of being alone with hardly any friends (while in school), so honestly I don't know. It's so harsh being treated that way, as I'm sure you have felt the pain too! At first I didn't know what to do or how to handle it, but the more and more I read up on it (from researching and reading forums on depression, and now on BPD) it's allowed me to understand the process/emotions a ~little~ more clearly. He definitely did not have attachment to his parents when he was younger, and now I'm sure the way he handles interpersonal relationships is one of them. He is 24 years old now, and although he has "dated" some people, I was the first person he was ever in a real relationship with and the first person he even ever was intimate with. In some ways, I'm the same way. I have ADHD and anxiety, which, throughout this entire rollercoaster ride, has gotten very intense for me--psychologically and physiologically. I love him more than anything, but since we are long distance, I don't know if he is saying/doing these things because he feels more abandoned when I am gone? (idk, if that sentiment is wrong, pls let me know), or if he really means them... .
In terms of your situation, that is really hard to go through. I really can't imagine, especially since she has someone else now. I just don't understand the need for the need for you to know what's going on in her life since you're trying to move on and heal. I wish you the best of luck with all of that!

[alexvidaa]

My boyfriend also did the same thing. I am actually going through the same situation right now. He is a high functioning diagnosed pwBPD, he agreed to send me my stuff back when he gets the chance, hopefully by the end of this week. He has being a roller coaster and exhausting and confusing. First he doesn't want me anymore, then it is all my fault, then he wanted too give me another chance, then he needs a time and then confesses me he went out on a date with some girl and had an amazing time. All in a period of 4 days. I truly feel your pain of confusion and feeling of being cheated on. Mine contacted me after 3 days of NC and then we got into a fight again, i still need to learn how to deal with him. Getting better at it while he is taking his time. I would say that if you guys really had that deep connection, i think he will contact you back, but as everyone says, it is up to you to decide if you want to deal with this again, because it will prob happen again. My relationship is also long distance, and it makes everything worse. Hope you find peace, but still continue working on yourself and your life, maybe he'll come  back maybe not, but you need to be better in any case.

I have yet to see a post where someone was LDR with a BPD person! I've always wondered if the leaving after a visit made things worse for others too... .I emailed asking for my stuff back, but since he basically told me to leave him alone, I'm going to go in person in a few days. I'm looking at law schools around the area he is at (not the original plan, but it is one that is scouting me), and since he won't answer emails it may be more of a surprise visit. I live in a completely different part of the country, so the opportunity probably won't come up again, unless I end up enrolling in law school in the area. However, I don't know how it'll go, but I have very expensive stuff there and to be brutally honest I want to make sure any explicit content he may have of me is erased from his phone forever, because at this point i don't even know! Anyone have any advice on this one? How to approach it? Best of luck to you too!

[alexvidaa]

Hey max, are you referring to this survey?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

I think this is the thing I would focus on... .its only been a week... .depression... .holiday season... .keeping your stuff.

This suggests that you don't over react or close in on him now - rather find something to agree on and then back-off for a couple of weeks. Some times the best thing is to just agree with him.

Play the long game. Go neutral in your emotion (happy, still interested, give him to have all the space he wants plus 10%).

Work with us here to get through the emotional part of this.

To answer your question, break-up make up recycles are very common. They will often happen repeatedly and then on hits that doesn't. This doesn't yet sound like the latter.

I am willing to work with him through anything, but I don't know what I can really do when I've been blocked on literally every mode of communication he has? He isn't a social media person, and the times I've attempted to reach out via iMessage on my email and stuff he hasn't responded. It seems so final to me, but honestly I don't know. I don't know if I've been "painted black" or "painted gray," which worries me. He is very adamant on being alone for the time being, and I'd be willing to work something out or give him til the summer to have all the alone time he needs, if it's what he truly wants. The more I think of it or try to understand it, the more my mind spins. Any insight would be appreciated!

[alexvidaa]

Should I just give up on it all?