Vulnerable to being abused by others

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have both a borderline mother and two borderline siblings. Recently there was a terrible crisis with the three of them and being the scapegoat of the family, I was naturally blamed for everything. I end up briefly sharing how upset I  was with a man I talk with every few months either in the local park or by email. I made it clear to him around 10 years ago, that I had no interest in having a sexual relationship with him, as he is married, and it is clear that his wife does not like the open marriage that he insists is a condition of staying married. Since then, there have been no sexual overtures until my recent crisis. All of sudden he is emailing me, wanting to give me all kind of advice, and just recently he wanted me to come see him at his man cave outside of town. Of course, I said no, and now he is acting very angry. I no longer have any intention of interacting with him, as he has shown his true colors. What I have learned from this is that it is important to surround myself with people with like values. What I am distressed by, is that he never accepted my refusal  to have sex with him, and all this time he has been waiting for a time when I am the most vulnerable to come on to me. I feel I still have a lot of work to do with my therapist, on being a better person myself, and choosing to surround myself with people that I respect and they respect me.

[zachira]

I have both a borderline mother and two borderline siblings. Recently there was a terrible crisis with the three of them and being the scapegoat of the family, I was naturally blamed for everything. I end up briefly sharing how upset I  was with a man I talk with every few months either in the local park or by email. I made it clear to him around 10 years ago, that I had no interest in having a sexual relationship with him, as he is married, and it is clear that his wife does not like the open marriage that he insists is a condition of staying married. Since then, there have been no sexual overtures until my recent crisis. All of sudden he is emailing me, wanting to give me all kind of advice, and just recently he wanted me to come see him at his man cave outside of town. Of course, I said no, and now he is acting very angry. I no longer have any intention of interacting with him, as he has shown his true colors. What I have learned from this is that it is important to surround myself with people with like values. What I am distressed by, is that he never accepted my refusal  to have sex with him, and all this time he has been waiting for a time when I am the most vulnerable to come on to me. I feel I still have a lot of work to do with my therapist, on being a better person myself, and choosing to surround myself with people that I respect and they respect me.

[ijustwantpeace]

Good for you!  You have my permission to surround yourself with good people who truly care about you.

Avoid messed up people at all cost, and get as many of them out of your life as possible and replace them with healthy strong people.

As a BPD survivor you like many have been abuse conditioned into believing that you need to carry others burdens and emotions around.  This is a complete lie, and total garbage.

You have value just being you.  You don't need to put up with other people's BS either to be a good person.

If someone is disorder or messed up you don't have to be the one to help them.  It is up to them to fix themselves just the way you are getting the help you need.

Stay strong, be healthy!

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I'm really glad you recognized his behavior is unacceptable. I second what ijustwantpeace said: Good for you! Recognizing people like this and the patterns is a huge step, IMO. It may take time but it sounds like you're on the right path.

[Woolspinner2000]

Zachira, 

Let me join I_Am_The_Fire and Ijustwantpeace in welcoming you to our online family. There is a lot of helpful information available for you here to learn about BPD and how growing up in that environment can affect you. Have you read any helpful books that you could share with us?

It's not uncommon for us to struggle with setting and holding boundaries for we may not even understand what they are. Is there anyone you can seek to ask for help who lives near you since your family doesn't seem to grasp your struggle? Keep holding on and staying strong in your avoidance of what you know is not healthy. It is empowering to stand up for yourself!

 
Wools

[Turkish]

First, do you feel safe?

Second, how do you feel about asserting boundaries like blocking emails?

[zachira]

Thank you everybody for your support and feedback. It means more than I can put into words.