Don’t want to reconnect with friend of uBPD mother, who scorned me as child

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother's best friend whom she has known since before I was born has never been able to ever give me the time of day. I became good friends with her children but still was scorned, ignored by this woman who always disapproved of me since I was a child. I suspect that my mother - for whom I was a scapegoat - painted herself as my victim in this woman's eyes and as a result the woman hated me. About ten years ago I decided I was done with trying to be nice and have since cut out any efforts to have any kind of relationship with that family, despite the fact that they regularly see other people in my family. Something unprecedented has happened recently though where this woman reached out and wanted to see me. Given how I have experienced this woman's rejection which stems from when I was a little child - 3 years old to be precise - I had no compulsion to see her so I didn't meet her. I am not sure though how to handle efforts of thawing of relations as I know my mother is going to pressure me to do it. My mother was very aware that this woman was going to reach out to me, warned me, and then wrote to find out if I had met her. Almost as though my mother said something to this woman (like: Hotncold isn't such a horrible abusive devil of a daughter I told you she was - I believe my mother has had so coming to terms recently) which prompted the woman to reach out me... .I don't have a desire to deal with this woman. I also know that this isn't going to go away. My mother probably feels guilt now about what has gone on so in order to rid her of this guilt I have to forgive this woman and act as though nothing has ever happened and forget that this woman enabled my mother's abuse. Any help on how to navigate this difficult situation. Why can't they just stay away. It's as though once I finally accepted that this woman had nothing positive to give me and stopped expecting it, she decides it's time to reach out. Honestly --- I am just tired of constantly dealing with fallouts and reminders of the abuse I suffered as a child - and the adults that were co-opted by my mother to enable her. I want to move past it but it seems now that there is a need for absolution from those who took part in it. It only took me until recently to realize how odd it is to have someone who is so close in friendship to my mother but who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. It's a horrible feeling to not only be rejected by your mother, but for it to be supported by additional rejection from other adults is also a horrible feeling. It's multiple people feeding the narrative that I was a seriously flawed human. Any advice on how to deal with this would be helpful.

[hotncold]

My mother's best friend whom she has known since before I was born has never been able to ever give me the time of day. I became good friends with her children but still was scorned, ignored by this woman who always disapproved of me since I was a child. I suspect that my mother - for whom I was a scapegoat - painted herself as my victim in this woman's eyes and as a result the woman hated me. About ten years ago I decided I was done with trying to be nice and have since cut out any efforts to have any kind of relationship with that family, despite the fact that they regularly see other people in my family. Something unprecedented has happened recently though where this woman reached out and wanted to see me. Given how I have experienced this woman's rejection which stems from when I was a little child - 3 years old to be precise - I had no compulsion to see her so I didn't meet her. I am not sure though how to handle efforts of thawing of relations as I know my mother is going to pressure me to do it. My mother was very aware that this woman was going to reach out to me, warned me, and then wrote to find out if I had met her. Almost as though my mother said something to this woman (like: Hotncold isn't such a horrible abusive devil of a daughter I told you she was - I believe my mother has had so coming to terms recently) which prompted the woman to reach out me... .I don't have a desire to deal with this woman. I also know that this isn't going to go away. My mother probably feels guilt now about what has gone on so in order to rid her of this guilt I have to forgive this woman and act as though nothing has ever happened and forget that this woman enabled my mother's abuse. Any help on how to navigate this difficult situation. Why can't they just stay away. It's as though once I finally accepted that this woman had nothing positive to give me and stopped expecting it, she decides it's time to reach out. Honestly --- I am just tired of constantly dealing with fallouts and reminders of the abuse I suffered as a child - and the adults that were co-opted by my mother to enable her. I want to move past it but it seems now that there is a need for absolution from those who took part in it. It only took me until recently to realize how odd it is to have someone who is so close in friendship to my mother but who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. It's a horrible feeling to not only be rejected by your mother, but for it to be supported by additional rejection from other adults is also a horrible feeling. It's multiple people feeding the narrative that I was a seriously flawed human. Any advice on how to deal with this would be helpful.

[HappyChappy]

I am just tired of constantly dealing with fallouts and reminders of the abuse I suffered as a child - and the adults that were co-opted by my mother to enable her.

Hey Hotncold,

You right it is a horrible feeling to be rejected by your mother. I’m not surprised this recent change has disconcerted you, it would me.
 
Let be honest, people with BPD NPD tend to bully. Bullies tend to pick on the same people, hunting in packs so to speak. Is your mothers friend BPD or NPD ? But if she is disrespecting a young child,  then maybe this was done to feel superior ? Its rather sad, competing with a child, but bullies (and those with BPD) tend to pick the easiest targets. Could this applies here, what do you think ?

You do seem to be hinting at a solution, you say you got absolutely nothing positive out of that relationship. So why even consider re-connecting ? If you give her the polite cold shoulder for long enough, she’ll get the message. The positive here, is she seems to need your attention more than you need her's, so you must be better company.

That said, I do appreciate that we all on here would like closure from our BPD and their flying monkeys. Some acknowledgment of their appalling behaviour and how it has scared us. But I’ve never seen that come from any BPD/NPD I’ve known. I found working on "radical acceptance" helped me in that respect. So Hotncold, why are you contemplating re-connecting with your mothers friend ?

[Notwendy]

I do know the feeling. My mother has painted me black to her FOO and a couple who have been her friends since before I was born.

My mother's FOO believes that I am the one with "problems". My father passed away after a long illness and during this time my mother was angry at me. She painted me black to them and told them not to speak to me- and so they didn't. I heard nothing from them after my father died. I even reached out to them to ask about him and they didn't reply. One told me that she had told them not to speak to me.


This was very difficult at the time. I grieved the relationships and then let go of them. I am not NC with my mother and so had limited contact with these people, ( at family events) and some I have not seen at all. During these brief times, I have just been cordial and distantly polite.

My mother too has seen the long term effects of her behavior not that she cares about me, but about my children, her grandchildren. Her FOO has get togethers with all the grandkids and she wants to include her grandchildren too.  Recently, one of her FOO reached out to me and I knew she was behind it- put this family member up to make nice with me so that they could connect with my kids.

I don't mind being in contact with this person ( and yes, my mother pressures me to contact them) but I know better than to naively jump in to this relationship. I don't discuss anything emotional or personal ( it will all get back to my mother) but I am cordial and polite.  I am also frankly embarrassed around my mother's FOO due to the narrative that I am a messed up person too, but I know I am not, don't have to prove it. I interact as much as I feel comfortable doing. You can too, whether it is to not have contact at all, or if contact is unavoidable- such as family get togethers, remain calm, cordial, polite but not close.

[hotncold]

." I found working on "radical acceptance" helped me in that respect. So Hotncold, why are you contemplating re-connecting with your mothers friend ?"
Thank you for the really helpful validation and advice. To answer the question above I don't want  reconnect with her but she and my mother are working in concert to reconnect with me and my having to give the cold shoulder allows for the narrative of "ungrateful and anti-social" to be perpetuated since I don't respond to gestures of "make nice". Yes it's triggering because it's the same sh-t all over again. Two people working against one. My mother has BPD and npd traits. This woman has ndp traits.

[Turkish]

Personally, I'd be curious.  Since you said in your reply that the BFF has NPD traits, I wouldn't open up that can of worms.  You aren't responsible for the feelings of either of them, especially given how they've treated you over the decades.

[HappyChappy]

Hey hotncold,

Your BPD / NPD combo could simply be creating intrigue to wind you back in. BPD often do that. If you meet, what is in it for you ?

[hotncold]

Hey hotncold,

Your BPD / NPD combo could simply be creating intrigue to wind you back in. BPD often do that. If you meet, what is in it for you ?

I don't know what the combo is up to. My uBPD mother knows how I feel about her uNPD friend... .I have said I have no use in my life for people who have nothing to give and on several occasions NPD lady has made it clear she considers me less than human, actively ostracized me from social events and gatherings. It's only recently that I have come to realize how much hurt that woman has in fact inflicted on me. I didn't realize a friend of a parent could in fact make such a contribution to the pain of a child but she certainly did - especially since her child was a really good friend of mine but I eventually had to leave that friendship behind due to the toxicity of that woman and her influence on her children. Anyway, I think the only thing that still sticks at the back of my mind is this thing about forgiveness.

Holding on the pain and resisting forgiveness, does it no simply allow the pain to continue? My hurt and sadness and anger about what this woman did to me comes in waves. Today I feel ok but a few days ago I was very much triggered. I simply want to get past this. And I feel that "holding out" with these people will somehow make things worse. For the moment she will not be contacting me again since I am far away... .so maybe this is all a non issue. But her gesture of trying to connect with me was extremely triggering because it felt like a form of gaslighting. Why on earth would she want to reach out to someone she has ostracized her whole life and in reaching out did not acknowledge the existence of that dynamic pretending as though the last forty years never happened.

[HappyChappy]

It's only recently that I have come to realize how much hurt that woman has in fact inflicted on me... .Holding on the pain and resisting forgiveness, does it no simply allow the pain to continue?... .I feel that "holding out" with these people will somehow make things worse... .Why on earth would she want to reach out to someone she has ostracized her whole life and in reaching out did not acknowledge the existence of that dynamic pretending as though the last forty years never happened.

Sounds like you know what to do. You are absolutely right about forgiveness. The reason a NPD would continue to toy with someone, is exactly the same reason an 8 year old boy taunts or bullies someone, it elevates them, makes them feel more superior (gives them narcissist supply).  Best response to that is don’t rise to it. They normally lose interest and go onto the next person. But is sounds like you may know all this anway. So they can’t touch you, you’re free.

[Notwendy]

I struggle with this too. The shock that people who have known me since I was a baby would be willing to just believe the garbage my mother tells them about me without attempting to fact check- to see if it is even true or not, astounds me. Add to this that they are intelligent people - who know better to check two sides to every story. Unlike your mother's friend, these people were not cruel  to me growing up. I thought they cared about me.


I don't think it is good to harbor resentment. Forgiveness on our part can take care of that. It is worth it. I think I have mostly taken care of the resentment. I don't think it disappears entirely but the times it bothers us are less and not as long.

Hurt feelings are- feelings. We can feel our feelings and then, they can pass in time. I think like grief though, it is more like a cycle with longer times between the feelings and the time is shorter. I also don't think forgiveness means forgetting entirely. I don't let these people occupy my thoughts, but also I don't know if I can trust them. A cordial polite but not too close relationship seems to work best at the moment.

You can find your comfort place with this too, in time.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to avoid the people that hurt you as a child and continue to be a source of pain because they are connected to your family. I think what you might be saying that the pain persists, and could get worse if you reconnect with this woman. Taking around 30-60 days of quiet time a day to just feel what is going through your mind, can help to process feelings before they become overwhelming and be quite healing for many people. Take care and let us know how things are going, as we care, and you are talking about what I regard as one of the most painful ongoing issues of growing up as the scapegoat in the family, in which a borderline mother tells all kind of horrible lies to others about the scapegoat, as an outlet to her own bad feelings about herself.