Mom needs help with BPD daughter

[Bobby123]

Hi, I have a grown daughter with BPD.
I'm struggling right now and could use some advice and support. A few days ago my adult daughter had an episode and physically and emotionally abused me. I have a rule that if it escalates to physical violence I leave, so I left her place.
Yesterday she was alternating between texting me abusive things, and saying she was sorry, but only sorry if I did what she wanted) Now today I am really worried about her as I have not heard from her today. I am trying to set boundaries on what behavior and treatment I will and will not accept from her, and teach her that if she abuses me I will not just " come back for more" I think she needs to learn that I will not be in her life if she abuses me and she's been told that.
 But the other part of me wants to drive into the city to check on her. I'm scared to go see her for more abuse and I'm scared that she may have hurt herself or done something drastic.
Trying to stay strong and be consistent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Bobby123

 

Welcome to our community of parents. I'm glad you've reached out for support, parents here understand and can help you forwards, support you, you are not alone.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now, you left your daughters home following physical and emotional abuse. How are you, are you ok, do you have family member or a friend to talk to?

You are right not to accept her behaviours and I understand you want to check she's ok, she's safe. What may help is to step out of their drama, so they come back to their baseline. Does that make sense to you Bobby123 Do you keep off the texting?

What's your daughter's situation? How old is she, has she sought any help?

We are here for you. 

WDX

[Huat]

Hello Bobby123.  I join Wendydarling in welcoming you and, firstly, I want to say that your safety is first and foremost.   You write that you are scared to go see her... .then don't!  You cannot put yourself in harm's way.  There are other ways to communicate and that might have to be your way of setting boundaries.

I, too, have an adult daughter who has been verbally abusive for years.  I had been warned that, if not kept in check, the verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  Finally I knew I had to draw a line in the sand.

Over the years I have received many apologies from her.  I know that some of them have been heart-felt on her part.  Some others... .well... .not so much.  This last time another apology came and it was tearful.  The apology was accepted but this time I told her we would have to next meet in a counsellor's office.  Not only did she flatly refuse, she blew up even more.  I am standing my ground.

I can understand your worry about not hearing from your daughter.   Is she on her own or does she have a partner?  Is there any other way you are able to check on her?  Do you, yourself, have the support of other family members?

Yes, Bobby123, I agree with your comment about trying to stay strong and be consistent.    If what you have been doing to help your daughter and yourself has not been working... .maybe time to make changes.  Check out the info on this website.

Lots of support here for you.  Hope to hear more from you.

Huat
 

[dubiousraves]

I don't know if this will help you but if it will, I thought I'd throw it out there.

My daughter and I have communicated via social media messengers like Facebook messenger and What's App.  On both you can see when someone was last active on the site.

I have used this surreptitious way to check on her when she would not communicate with me. If she wasn't active online for more than a day or so and I was worried, I'd reach out to her with something innocuous - like one of those silly home pet videos all over social media - oftentimes she'd take the bait and I could see she'd read my message even if she wasn't ready to respond yet.

Kind of sneaky but it relieved my anxiety and we didn't have to communicate until we were both ready. 

[Bobby123]

I don't know if this will help you but if it will, I thought I'd throw it out there.

My daughter and I have communicated via social media messengers like Facebook messenger and What's App.  On both you can see when someone was last active on the site.

I have used this surreptitious way to check on her when she would not communicate with me. If she wasn't active online for more than a day or so and I was worried, I'd reach out to her with something innocuous - like one of those silly home pet videos all over social media - oftentimes she'd take the bait and I could see she'd read my message even if she wasn't ready to respond yet.

Kind of sneaky but it relieved my anxiety and we didn't have to communicate until we were both ready. 


Thanks so much, i do not have her on my FB as she is abusive on that as well and I have had to block her. I ended up having my sister check that she had been active.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Bobby123

My heart goes out to you, you are in a difficult place right now, I understand the turmoil that you are going through. It is very painful when our children turn their backs on us, for whatever reason. I think that you have a good boundary in place whereby you leave if your daughter gets abusive towards you, I wish I’d had the strength to do that when my uBPD son verbally attacked me, but at that time I hadn’t even heard of BPD and I allowed him to walk all over me in my desperation to keep my relationship with him.

It’s horrible isn’t it when we don’t hear from our kids, sometimes our minds go into overdrive imagining all manner of things, and then, oh, the relief when they do finally make contact.

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself Bobby123, you matter and your own well being matters. Keep posting and sharing, get all the support that you can it will help to keep you strong. It worked for me x

[MomMae]

Oh my gosh, I just wanted to add my two cents worth in to say how much I understand that anxiety of not hearing from your child with BPD.  I am not proud of some of the things I have done to check up on my daughter to put my mind at ease that she was still alive... .but I try to be gentle enough with myself to try to understand that I, too, am only human. 

I have access to her cell phone history as it is still in my name, so I can see the numbers she texts and the time, pretty much instantaneously.  Thankfully, I have not had to look at this history in months, but I remember a time when I would be checking it frantically and if there was a 24 hour time frame where she had not texted, my anxiety would go into overdrive... .I could feel the panic rising within me... and could think of little else. I am sure you are all familiar with the feeling... .  I resorted to asking her siblings to try to contact her and check up on her social media activity... .I hated doing it as they had their own lives to lead and needed to escape the never-ending drama... .  We would drive by wherever we thought she was staying to see if her car was there, feel momentary relief, but then anxiety would build if her car hadn't moved... .  Finally she would make contact, and then, soon enough the cycle would repeat... .  I truthfully can't say it ever got easier, not when her life was in constant turmoil.

Hoo, boy, just thinking about it is making my heart race... .I have so much empathy for anyone going through this... .it is the most horrible feeling.

Hang in there, Bobby123... .As Feeling Better says, please take care of yourself... .do what you need to do for you.  You have much support here, Bobby.    MomMae