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Author Topic: My wife has a new diagnosis of BPD, and serious depression  (Read 396 times)
Bewildered11

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: February 19, 2018, 02:58:10 AM »

Hello everyone,
My beautiful wife of 20 yrs has a new diagnosis of BPD and serious depression, I guess it has been part of our lives together for a long time but under current stresses it has come forward in a way that couldn't be hidden. Myself and my two sons have been walking on eggshells for the last 6 months, and I am afraid I have lost my own confidence in catering to her symptoms. I am really struggling to deal with her withdrawal of affection, and the constant anger. I need ideas and I guess some sympathy (sook), on how to stop enabling her and to regain some control of our lives.
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pearlsw
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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 03:49:20 AM »

Hi Bewildered11,

I only a few short moments to be on the boards so I'll dive in with the sympathy and hope others can offer you more tools and insights!

I know how painfully hard it is to be with someone who takes up so much emotional space in the household. I am glad to hear she is diagnosed. Does this mean she has access to some treatment, some therapy? Or?

My heartfelt reminder to you is to focus on the part you have the most control over - your own self-care! I know that is easier said than done. I've been struggling with it myself lately with the ongoing, rolling crisis that is my life at the moment, but any small amount of you can do is really great!

warmly, pearl. 
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Bewildered11

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2018, 06:25:15 AM »

Thanks Pearl, yes she has had a mental health assessment, seen a psychiatrist and has organised her first 6 appointments for therapy with a clinical psychologist. So I guess that at the moment things are proceeding about as well as they could. These things do sadly though take time, and we are still a month away from the therapy beginning. I know I should be grateful (and I am). Though I am still anxious that she doesn't go into denial, or further damage her family relationships. The circumstances surrounding her getting the assessment are very personal, but I feel we really need some success soon in order to not fracture as a family. A great deal of damage has been done, and it is a struggle to support her as she cannot express empathy in a way I can recognise, and I feel I have to place my own feelings on hold until we can communicate more clearly. She is also paranoid, which is new, and quite frightening.
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mama-wolf
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 06:56:50 AM »

Hi Bewildered11,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with your wife.  My uBPDw is also battling depression, which makes it extremely hard for her to make any movement in a positive direction with our relationship and with treatment in general.  She barely wants to get up in the morning, takes things extra personally, and generally has a lack of enthusiasm.  So I understand how difficult it makes things, and I feel for you and your sons.

I second pearl in the encouragement to focus on your own self-care at a time like this.  It can be hard enough with daily life, and especially hard when things ratchet up with a pwBPD.  But going through this with a pwBPD makes it that much more critical.

You mentioned concern over "catering to her symptoms" (something I relate to on a visceral level), so it might be a good time to examine your boundaries and how to best keep them intact.  What are the limits of behavior that you will tolerate, and what will you do if/when she crosses those limits?  Having greater clarity around that can help reduce the stress of getting through each day.

mw
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Bewildered11

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Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 03:45:36 PM »

At the moment the only boundary I feel confident in using is to walk away when she shouts or directs unfair blame. She has made many threats to leave us and in the past I have begged her to return in the hope of results from treatment. I can now see that this is folly, and has probably been counter-productive. If she threatens again I feel confident in allowing her to go, and leave her to re-connect with me rather than vice versa. Simply sucks as I know there is a great and loving woman in there and I empathise greatly with her guilt and pain. Slowly learning that any control of her behaviour I thought I had was simply an illusion. Any more ideas are definitely welcome as I would not like anything to fracture so close to the beginning of therapy.
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mama-wolf
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« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2018, 11:35:32 AM »

I wish I had more solid advice I could offer here.  I'm still struggling myself, and hope others on the board might have some insights they can offer.  To me, the boundary you described is a good starting point.  Others you might consider are identifying what your needs are, deciding how you are going to make sure those needs get met, and sticking to them (self-care). 

For example, if you decide that you need some form of exercise to help you manage your stress level, make a plan to get that exercise however many times a week are needed, and make sure that you keep that promise to yourself (boundary) in place.  Don't let your BPDw derail that plan, because the only way you can really be there for her for the long haul is to take care of yourself.

That particular example is from my own life, in addition to a commitment that I go to bed at by a particular time each night, regardless of my uBPDw's choices in how she spends her time.  She gets home at 9:30pm from spending time with a friend?  I spend a few minutes chatting an catching up, but am still headed upstairs so that I can be in bed by 10pm.  We start a discussion about a particular disagreement or sensitive topic?  I engage and listen and participate, but I stay aware of the time and make it clear I won't talk in circles for hours and end up going to bed much later than I need (which has happened many times in the past).

Just my thoughts... .

mw
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Bewildered11

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2018, 04:17:15 PM »

Thanks MW, I think you are definitely right regarding taking care of myself, it seems weird that I haven't given that a higher priority. I guess over the years I have been gently losing autonomy, not realising that it was happening. I will have to come up with something cool and new to get into. I will keep you posted.

Since getting the diagnosis I have been studying this site and others in order to get a better idea of what it means to the family for the future. I admit feeling overwhelmed, a bit frightened, but am extremely glad that she is actively seeking treatment, as this seems to often not be the case.

Since beginning this learning journey I have been wondering about the reality she experiences, and just how close her emotions are to mine. She seems sincere in her guilt and shame, but cannot apologise or ask forgiveness, though sometimes will after some prompting it is NEVER self motivated. Is this normal for a BPD? Could it be part of her depression?

We have also been in discussion on what, how and when to talk to the boys (11 & 14)about it, and even if we should say anything at all. It seems to me that we will have to tell them something as my eldest sons empathy and emotional maturity level now is obviously higher than hers, he is well aware that something is wrong and is now directing all personal or deep matters in his life to me, not us. Ideas?
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teapay
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Relationship status: Married 14 years
Posts: 294


« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2018, 05:13:04 PM »

What kiND of therapy is being recommended for your wife?  My wife had also gotten a BPDdx.  She has had several types of therapy.  Straight CBT was not to effective.  She resisted it.  DBT was effective on more severe behaviors and impulsiveness, but it took over a year of treatment and it didn't help distortions and identity issues.  She has also done IFS for a few years which also seemed to help somewhat on identity and insecurity.  She has gone from being nonfunctional  to moderately functioning, but that's taken 4 or 5 years.  She been AA for several years too, so in a way she's been marinated in therapy and support.

For you I suggest learning how to implement and enforce boundaries and consequences and try to understand why this may be a weak spot for you.   Boundaries will protect you and your kids but in a way will support her therapy especially if it is DBT and she is taking to it.  BPD hate boundaries and you'll likely get significant  push back and could blow up your family, so be prepared.
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Bewildered11

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2018, 04:59:18 PM »

Thanks Teapay,
                      I am unsure which treatment the clinical psychologist will be using with her. The Psychiatrist only gave the diagnosis 10 days ago, and suggested that the anti-depressant medication be given time to work before beginning therapy. We did research various clinicians until we found one qualified in all the therapy techniques that have shown themselves to be of use.

   My copy of 'Walking on eggshells' arrived yesterday, and I am already into it. I agree that setting boundaries is a particular problem for me and our family. I did however get a positive response to walking away this morning as she later came outside calm and told me she loved me. It's weird to not react to the anger, but it actually felt empowering.

  At the moment the great pressure she is applying is about wanting me to pretend everything is ok when the boys get back from boarding school on Wednesday. As she is expert at faking and I am not I am sticking to my guns regarding acting as I feel rather than acting a fraud. I hope this is right thinking but I am not much good at faking and the boys may find that even more disturbing. The book seems great so far, nice to not feel wrong for a change, hahaha!
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teapay
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Relationship status: Married 14 years
Posts: 294


« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2018, 07:32:26 PM »

I don't do things I'm too uncomfortable doing.  That is a basic boundary.  You control how you support her and what you'll tolerate. It helps to start thinking more about yourself, your wants and don't wants.  This often gets lost in these relationships if ever there at all.  Normal people do this all the time without alot of problem because there is nothing wrong with it.

If your wife does leave, it might be good to protect yourself and not to make it too easy for her to come back without notable progress.   You can support her in her efforts towards recovery, but more importantly protect and work on yourself and protect your relationship with your boys.
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