Trying to find a way forward with my family and sister, but have been so hurt

[Hurting Sister]

Hello,
This is my first experience using a message board and I do not use social media very much at all but given my situation, this seems like a perfect resource that I am excited to try.
I strongly believe that my older sister has BPD (she has not been formally diagnosed to my knowledge and I have not discussed this with any family members as they would not believe me or be able to accept it; my childhood neighbor who has a Masters in psychology is the person who brought this possibility to my attention). I also suspect that my mother may have a lesser form of BPD. My sister has always needed to be the center of attention in the family and her demands were always met by my parents who dealt with her personality by just trying to appease her and make her happy. I moved away from my family of origin about 1.5 years ago (partly for my husband's job but also so that we could get away from the craziness of my family). My sister did terrible things when we moved and caused my husband and I to lose a tremendous amount of money. I have not been in contact with her since this time other than to send birthday and holiday and condolence cards (she now pretends I do not exist and sends holiday cards addressed only to my children). I do have contact with my parents although the relationship has changed and they see nothing wrong with how my sister acted and the things she did when we moved. I understand that they will never be able to see my sister's actions clearly. I have mostly accepted this after writing them letters and explaining how hurt I have been by my sister's actions and their blind support of her. In response they have only been defensive of themselves and protective of my sister and told me that I should do more to mend my relationship with my sister even though I am trying to maintain some level of showing that I care through cards while she pretends I do not exist.
My sister has always had trouble maintaining friendships and is generally a bully with those around her. She now has her own business and is very successful although struggles to maintain employees for long. Most people that meet her are very impressed by her and see nothing wrong with her at all. It is only if you get on her wrong side or if you happen to be her sister or brother-in-law that one really experiences her wrath.
Now in the middle of my life, suddenly my whole life in retrospect has become more clear to me with this understanding that most likely my sister (and maybe my mother) has BPD. It is extremely painful to not be in contact with my parents frequently and not to have contact with my sister but I have had to do this as a measure of self-protection. I want to find a way to maintain a relationship with my parents and I would like to have some level of relationship with my sister but it is hard to know where to start. Especially when no one in the family would ever admit that my sister (and possibly my mother) has some level of mental illness.
I have felt so lonely since moving but also a great sense of relief to be away from the dramas and control of my sister. I am now educating myself on BPD and trying to find a way forward with my family who I love very much but have been so tremendously hurt by. I am hopeful that this message board may be a helpful resource in finding this new path.
regards, Hurt Sister

[S-inLaw]

Have you asked your childhood neighbor what you may possibly do? She might be a good resource to talk with that you can trust because of her professional code of ethics. I know it hurts to be excluded. You are brave to have confronted this possibility of mental illness in your family, as opposed to the denial your family members seem to have.

[stormy seas]

Are we related to the same person?  I have gone through an experience that sounds 100% like yours.  Mentally ill sister, parents in denial, etc.  You are very brave.  I'm unable to move away from my family for a variety of reasons, but I know if I did it would be as lonely as it is relieving. 

Would it help if you just started with your dad?  With him not being a BPD, it might be easier to start with him.  Maybe you could just talk about simple things, everything but your sister.  I have done this with my parents, especially my dad, who feels disloyal to my sister a lot if he acknowledges any issue she has.  We don't have the relationship that we used to, but I still have a connection with him, albeit more shallow. I feel good that we are connected, but not going so deep as it causes issues.

I'm so sorry that you have gone through this, BPD siblings are more life-changing than most people realize.  Especially when you don't have supportive parents, and they are rare.  Thank you for posting this, it's one of the reasons I joined here - we are not bad people! Hug your hubby

[psyche]

Thanks for sharing, I can relate to your situation in some way! My brother has BPD and my parents enables him while they blamed me for what happened in the past years. The difference is that they do think he has mental issues, but their way to deal with it is to walk on eggshells and expects others to do the same. I used to but I still have boundaries, and my parents blamed them for the situations.

I ended up ceasing contact with my brother and now I might also distance from my parents since I have to save myself. It is hard, I question my decision, but then I really must walk away from all the craziness.

[stormy seas]

[quote author=psyche link=topic=321361.msg12941337#msg12941337 date=1519167607

I ended up ceasing contact with my brother and now I might also distance from my parents since I have to save myself. It is hard, I question my decision, but then I really must walk away from all the craziness.
[/quote]

Psyche, that’s what makes me resentful toward my sister - she controls the family dynamic... .but I’m the one who has to distance myself. I’m going to say that you’re brave too

[psyche]

Psyche, that’s what makes me resentful toward my sister - she controls the family dynamic... .but I’m the one who has to distance myself. I’m going to say that you’re brave too

Yes same here. The problem is that everyone else gives them power because they are afraid and don't know how to deal with them. Being a parent their fear is that the other child would not contact them again. And a BPD can be quite intense about this. Maybe other children being more mature they expect them to be more forgiving and around, so they don't worry about hurting them as much.

And it is true, even with all these we usually still are around. We just become less connected for our own sake.

[Panda39]

I have felt so lonely since moving but also a great sense of relief to be away from the dramas and control of my sister. I am now educating myself on BPD and trying to find a way forward with my family who I love very much but have been so tremendously hurt by. I am hopeful that this message board may be a helpful resource in finding this new path.
regards, Hurt Sister

Hi Hurting Sister,

 

I wanted to share 2 things with you... .Radical Acceptance and Boundaries.

I hear how much you care about your family and the relationship you have with them and that you want to fix those relationships.  However, we can not change people that don't want to change, or don't see any reason to change the only person in this situation that you can truly change is yourself.  The rest of your family is locked in a dysfunctional cycle that they don't want to see, that they deny, and that they blame shift over to you.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD.  from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change

Link to more on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

There are many tools on this sight that can help you in various ways, but for me Boundaries is one of the most important.  If your family is the way that they are and you can radically accept that, what you can do is create boundaries that let you have a tolerable relationship with them.

You have already created a physical boundary by moving away that has provided some relief.  Are there other boundaries that you could create for yourself that could help you? One thing that you might consider based on your post is to not become financially involved with your sister.  This isn't about being "mean" or "unsupportive" but it is about protecting your finances.  Reminder:you are just as valuable and important as the rest of your family, it is okay to take care of you and your husband, it is okay to put yourself first.

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and their 2 daughters have taken different approaches regarding their mother.  Both use boundaries.  D21 after her mom did something that completely broke her trust is now no contact with her mom.  She's done, it's not easy there is sadness, anger and guilt but this is what she has had to do to protect herself.  D17 talks with her mom on the phone and will occasionally go out for coffee or lunch with her mom (She has a boundary of meetings being in a public place where mom is more likely to behave).  Their dad and I support whatever works for his girls.

Boundaries can be tough, people with BPD are excellent boundary busters so it can be hard to maintain them, particularly when you have been raised by a mother (in my situation) that has raised you to have no boundaries.  When you create a new boundary things can also get worse before they get better (Exstinction Burst).  You are no longer "going along, to get along" you are no longer playing your role in the family dynamic.  If you set a boundary it is also important that you be consistent with it so the message gets across that you will not tolerate whatever it is that you are creating the boundary around.

I often share this simple analogy... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (Exstinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. (This does not mean that the little kid won't test the boundary again the next time they go to the grocery store - so being consistent is important)

More on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Extinction Burst

The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I'm really glad you've found us I know you will find a lot of information, advice and points of view from the members here.  You are not alone we have someone with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives, we get it.

Take Care,
Panda39

[S-inLaw]

Well said Panda. Great advice and links. Thank you for being an active member of this forum.