Slow passion to deliberate progress

[I Am Redeemed]

What is a snail's fury? All
I think is that if later
I parted the blades above
the tunnel and saw the thin
trail of broken white across litter,
I would never have imagined
that slow passion to deliberate progress.

-Thom Gunn, 1961
"Considering the Snail"

I love this poem. The author wonders what motivates the snail to push forward through obvious obstacles to achieve his goal. The darkness lies ahead of the snail, yet he is steadfast in his quest and leaves a trail of brightness behind him. The snail moves slowly, but deliberately, and is undaunted , neither by external forces (gravity, wet, heavy grass) nor inside forces (the pace with which he moves.)



So this was my first post, just over a month ago:
I have been with my husband for seven years. He has not been officially diagnosed as BPD, but the disorder describes him exactly. He also has substance abuse issues, and experiences delusions (believes that our lives are in danger, there are listening devices in the house, there's a conspiracy against him in everything he tries to do, etc.) The delusions started 5 years ago after he used excessive amounts of meth. Even when sober he is unstable emotionally, aggressive, complaining, overly sensitive and critical of me, blames me for everything, expects me to take care of everything, including his well being in all aspects (physically, mentally, emotionally) and he explodes with rage, becoming violent, when very little has happened ( or nothing) to provoke such a reaction. Always, always, his rage is my fault, and he even accused me of provoking him on purpose so I could call the police and get rid of him. Recently he relapsed and began using meth again. The mood swings and delusional behavior increased. He became increasingly more psychotic. I was afraid of losing my child and my job, and I was afraid for my safety and my son's safety. My husband attacked me several times, and the day I left he was driving recklessly with my two year old son in the car. I tried to get my son out but he would not let me. I jumped out and ran and called the police. My husband is in jail for assaulting me, possibly facing prison. I asked the court for a mental evaluation for him, but I don't know if it will do any good. I have not spoken to my husband, even though he calls repeatedly every day. I know that I talk to him it will stress me out. I wanted him to get treatment. I did not want to put him in jail, much less prison. I feel guilty about it, even though it was his behavior that caused this. This relationship has left me feeling insecure, indecisive, worn out, stressed out and constantly worrying about how he would react or perceive the decisions I have made since I left. I am not seeing anyone else. I have not filled for divorce. I find myself still holding out hope that he will get help, though I feel foolish for doing so. I am lost and second guessing myself. I realize that I need therapy myself for the trauma and stress this relationship has caused. Just wanted to talk to someone else who might know how it feels to go through this.

Reading this again, I realize that I have made some progress, however snail-like in pace. You guys have been instrumental in that, so thank you for all your support.

My emotions have stabilized- somewhat. I have been a little hypervigilant in assessing my emotional state, because in the past I have been prone to severe depression. I was first treated for depression at age 12. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 32.

Depression is a genetic trait in my FOO. When I was two, my mother spent time in a psychiatric hospital for depression. Not sure of the exact details on why she was released, but at any rate, she attempted suicide just days later. Shot herself, in the basement while we were sleeping. This led to a stroke and permanent disability for her. She is now 81 and was dx with terminal lung cancer 18 months ago. She refused treatment, says she has no pain and believes God has healed her.

I have also been hypervigilant because uBPDh is not the only one who has a substance abuse disorder. I spent the better part of my twenties and some of my thirties in active addiction, mostly self medicating the depression. Last relapse was last January. DOC (drug of choice) is prescription opiates. For nine months I prayed and prayed and begged for God to forgive me and help me. He did. He helped me break free. I have been clean just over four months. When I say I am Redeemed... .I truly mean that (thanks Tattered Heart... .you hit the nail on the head with my username).

So. Some days I feel like I am not making progress, and the darkness ahead is frightening because I can't see. But when I look back, I can see a trail of brightness behind me leading from where I was to where I am now. Snail-paced or not, there is a slow passion to my deliberate progress.

That's where I'm at today in my thinking, guys. Thanks for reading.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed, thank you so much for sharing your slow passion to deliberate progress with us.  What a wonderful way to express your journey from then to now and onward.  Your post is heartfelt and inspiring.  There is a strength there within you that shines forth. 

How are you doing with processing the trauma?  What support do you have for this?

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, what a compelling first chapter to your story.  I am sure there is much more to tell.  I imagine your emotions and thoughts around your husband, the past, and the future, are a complex swirl that changes from day to day.

How long has your husband been out of your home for?  What has it been like to have safety and peace?  Has it given you more space to think your own thoughts and reflect?  Have you been able to gain any insights that might not have been possible when you were in the middle of a storm?

Thank you for sharing with us!

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Harley,
I think I am processing fairly well. I try to write things down, and I rely heavily upon God for healing. I do daily Bible reading plans that deal with abuse, grief, "slaying giants", etc. I just started one called "boundaries 101". I have friends at work who have been extremely supportive. Some have even gone through similar situations. I am trying to get insurance started so I can get into therapy.
This site has been a great help to me. Thanks to everyone who has reached out. You guys have been extremely supportive and encouraging, and I appall of you.

Wishing you all blessings and peace,
Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed.  First, I just want to say that you are very brave.  Telling your story takes courage.  It’s very difficult to take steps against your spouse, but necessary, in your case, to protect your child and yourself.

I know how dangerous and pervasive addiction is.  My brother died from drug and alcohol addiction.   So, my heart goes out to you. 

I just have to say you must put your child’s and your own safety ahead of all else.

Congratulations on staying clean.   I pray for your continued progress and hope you will find peace and happiness. 

Mustbe

[I Am Redeemed]

WW,

Thanks for replying. I know you have a lot of emotional situations going on in your own life right now, and I really appreciate you setting aside time to lend support to me as well as others on this site.

 I imagine your emotions and thoughts around your husband, the past, and the future, are a complex swirl that changes from day to day.

Definitely. Some days I am certain we will not ever be able to have a relationship, and that detaching and accepting the demise of my marriage is the only course I should set before me. Other days I find that sliver of hope still rising up- the thoughts of "but with God all things are possible" and "you don't know what's going to happen- close the door but don't lock it." Then I get scared that these are the kinds of thoughts that led me to return to the r/s before- I actually left three times because of the physical abuse, and each time I talked myself into giving the r/s another chance. I told myself he needed me to help him get help. That everyone else had abandoned him, but I might be the only one who could finally get him the proper treatment.

How freaking ridiculous was that.

Then I get mad, and sad, and confused, and frustrated, and finally just decide to do the next right thing in front of me and trust God for His perfect plan to unfold for my life.

How long has your husband been out of your home for?  What has it been like to have safety and peace?  Has it given you more space to think your own thoughts and reflect?  Have you been able to gain any insights that might not have been possible when you were in the middle of a storm?

The 27th of this month will be three months. He has been incarcerated since that day. I was granted an order of protection. His lawyer is trying to get him into inpatient mental health treatment, and possible drug rehab. Maybe a place that treats dual diagnosis of substance abuse disorder/other mental disorder. I requested the court have him undergo a mental evaluation. Last time I talked to uBPDh he said the evaluator told him she would help him file for mental disability. I told him if he talked to her again to ask her if he could get an assessment for BPD> He said he thinks she already figured that out. That may be the closest he will ever come to being dx with BPD, but it at least confirms what I already suspected.
 I moved out of the house we were renting. I was behind on the rent anyway, and the car had broken down so I didn't have transportation to work (we lived 35 minutes away from my job.) I moved in with a co-worker friend who has a son close to s2's age. I am still staying with her while I try to save some money.

Safety and peace... .I will never take them for granted again. Ever.

I have infinitely more space to think thoughts and reflect than before. Even with s2, and work, and baby-sitting my other co-worker's three kids (we trade babysitting so we both can work) I have a few moments each day to just... .think. In the quiet. Nobody raging. Nobody threatening. Nobody demanding, or playing mind games or keeping me up at night. If I'm up at night now, it's because I am doing homework or posting on here or reading the Bible. When I get ready to go to bed, I go to bed. Nobody gets mad because I didn't meet some kind of "need" before I decided I needed rest.
I have learned so much about enabling. I actually just recently began to recognize enabling behaviors in how I deal with s2. I give in way too much, and I try to pacify and appease him, just like I did with uBPDh. I also have learned about boundaries. In a sense, I knew my boundaries were being violated in the middle of all the craziness, but I didn't really realize how much power I had to define those boundaries and stop them from being crossed. I also used to think "if I were a man this wouldn't be happening to me." I felt like uBPDh only had power to control me or hurt me because he had physical advantages over me. I now know that was not true. There are many men on this site who have experienced much of the same abuse that I did. And I know that the only reason uBPDh was able to control me is because I let him. I didn't really know that before.
I guess I just got used to dysfunction and craziness. I was not an emotionally stable person by any means for most of my teen and young adult years. I do believe that I have come a long way from where I was, though. But sometimes, now that the immediate crisis is over and the quiet seeps in, I wonder "what now?" I spent so much time in survival mode, that now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to "feel normal" at times.
I find myself doing things a certain way sometimes, or making decisions, and I think "uBPDh would probably be mad about this." And then I remember- I don't have to worry about that. I no longer have to tailor my life to fit his distorted thinking. I didn't really have to before- I just did it.

Hi Redeemed.  First, I just want to say that you are very brave.  Telling your story takes courage.  It’s very difficult to take steps against your spouse, but necessary, in your case, to protect your child and yourself.

I know how dangerous and pervasive addiction is.  My brother died from drug and alcohol addiction.   So, my heart goes out to you.  

I just have to say you must put your child’s and your own safety ahead of all else.

Congratulations on staying clean.   I pray for your continued progress and hope you will find peace and happiness.  

Mustbe

Mustbe,

I am so sorry about your brother. Addiction unfortunately claims many lives. It is a difficult disorder to recover from. I was foolish to think that I was "over it." I let my guard down, and the next thing you know I relapsed. Without a second thought. That is the scary part of the disorder. The Alcoholics Anonymous book says that "the alcoholic at times has no mental defense against the first drink." That is absolutely correct. I have experienced it firsthand.

I don't feel brave. I just feel blessed to have a safe place to share and get feedback and maybe learn a thing or two about a thing or two. But thank you.

As for protecting myself and my child, I feel like I almost waited too late. I lost custody of my other children due to the violence. I should have drawn the line then. But I thought that if he got a proper diagnosis, got treatment, got on meds, went to church, found Jesus... .I finally got scared enough that I was going to lose my baby boy, s2, and I could not bear for him to be in an unsafe environment. I finally put my child before myself. I only wish I had done that for my other children. I was so blind. My sister has guardianship of them now: D10, D9, S6, S5, and D4. That's right- I have six bio kids.

Yes, I know what causes that.   Thanks to all the concerned folks who asked me that rhetorical question when I was pregnant with Number Six.  

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I am glad to have a place like this to share my story, and to read all of yours as well. It is comforting to know I am not alone, or crazy (much) and that I can learn and process and maybe help others a little along the way.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

So this is something else I am trying to deal with, but don't really know what to do: S2 has not mentioned his daddy since we left three months ago. We moved out of the house and I think since we are in a different environment, S2 has not expected to see Daddy. I have not shown him pictures of Daddy, nor have I let him see Daddy's clothes (I have some of his clothes in the closet in a bag, to take to MIL's house, since uBPDh is still incarcerated). I am not trying to make him forget Daddy. I just don't want to stir up feelings of missing Daddy for S2. S2 loves his Daddy very, very much, and despite the insanity, uBPDh always treated S2 with love. He played with him and cared for him- not as much after the meth relapse, but even in a state of dysregulation he never treated S2 harshly. Indirect damage was my concern, because of the incidents S2 witnessed.

Anyhow, the other day we went through the drive-thru to get breakfast on the way to the babysitter's house. I usually don't go to this drive-thru. Not for four months now. It is directly down the street from where my uBPDh used to work, and we would frequently go and get breakfast and take it to uBPDh after dropping him off at work. So, this was our first time going there since last Sept. I pulled over to give S2 his food, and he looks down the street at where uBPDh used to work and says ":)addy?"

Knife through the  . I did not know S2's memory was that good.

I don't know what to do! I don't know how to help S2. He doesn't understand. One minute he was with his Daddy, and then he fell asleep and when he woke up, his Daddy was gone. He hasn't seen him in three months.

Mad, sad, frustrated, feeling helpless, wanting to fix it, make it better, mama bear syndrome... .this feels crappy. I can handle myself feeling not-good emotions. I'm a grown up (at least I resemble one.) S2 is innocent, and I don't want his little heart to hurt. I can't even explain to him.

This sucks.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,

You are being strong.  There are going to be uncomfortable feelings.  The best way to deal with uncomfortable feelings is to actually deal with them.  Don’t try to push them aside or avoid them.  It’s not great that s2 is missing his father.  But, your son’s relationship with his father is not your responsibility.  Take good care of your son.  Try not to worry too much and just keep taking care of the day to day or moment to moment necessities. 

The best thing you can do for your son is to be a caring and safe parent.

Good luck, I hope you have a good evening.  Mustbe

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, Mustbe,

You are right. I'm not responsible for their relationship. I'm not even responsible for S2's feelings. I can only provide support and love him and be his security right now. He is so smart and sweet, and he really is a happy child. He has done exceptionally well, all things considered.

Thanks, Mustbe. I hope you have a good evening too.

Blessings and peace,
Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Something ironic that I have realized is that I have poor boundaries with most people, not just in my r/s, and uBPDh used to belittle me about it. He said that I let people run over me, including him. The way he came at me about it put me on the defensive, but he was actually correct. I have never been assertive. Like right now, I bought a used car that broke down two weeks later. I sent it back to the guy who sold it to me and he has had it for three weeks and it still isn't fixed. Part of me wants to tell him either fix it or give me the money back for it. Or give it back, I will find someone else to fix it and you pay the tow bill. But... .I will probably say nothing, because I don't like conflict. I don't know how to handle these situations, and that makes me feel immature.
Any thoughts or suggestions?

Redeemed

[BeagleGirl]

I suspect that you might be the kind of person who will let others walk all over you, but will go to the mat in defense of your children or friends.  Is that true?

If so, it may help you to extend the consequences of not facing that conflict to how it impacts someone you would stand up for.  So if not standing up to the car salesman/mechanic means S2 has less time with you or that it will cost you money that you could otherwise have used to help out a friend, or... .then maybe that can be your motivation.

Eventually, I hope that you can see the value in yourself and your time that allows you to assert yourself.  We are called to be servants and give freely to others, but that isn't the same as allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or abused. 

Oh, and if God has put someone in your life who is good at this type of thing, bring them along with you and let them do the talking.  I have one friend in particular who is really good at politely asserting herself.  She's respectful of me and doesn't step in to defend me without my consent, but I have learned a lot from her encouragement of me and example.  She is also the best person at pointing out to me when I'm "over functioning" with a humor that has me smiling about what she would say when I catch myself.  That's so much sweeter than the guilt and shame I would otherwise feel.

BG

[I Am Redeemed]

Beaglegirl,

You are right, I would stand up for my kids or my friends. I suppose I have been living in the FOG for so long (even in childhood) that I don't know how to get out. I let FOG run my life, inside my r/s with uBPDh and in basically every other personal or professional interaction. I am a "people pleaser" for sure.
I need to learn from my sister. She is 20 years older than me, and she said she used to be like me but as she got older she started to stand up for herself more and care less about what people think.
I think a lot of times I tend to set myself up for failure before I even start, because I play out scenarios in my head and think, "well, if I say this, then he will say that, and then this will happen and that will happen and it won't do any good anyway."
This car situation is a little weird, anyway. I don't even know the person who actually sold it to me. I've never met him, don't have his number. He is a friend of the bf of my co-worker who let me and S2 move in with them when I left uBPDh. CW's bf was helping me look for a used car, told me his friend had this one and I gave cw's cf the money. He purchased car for me while I was at work. Car ran fine for two weeks. Cw's bf did a minor repair on it, then next thing you know I'm on the side of the road with S2 with coolant spraying out of the tank thingy all over the place. CW bf called his friend, who has a repair shop and was not honest with him about what happened. He told him nothing about the minor repair. So this sounds shady to me in the first place, and the only info I get about my car comes from cw's bf. I feel like I got myself into something I shouldn't have. Really feel stupid about it. I am tempted to fall into negative "self-talk": you should have known better, you trust people too much, you should have checked it out better, blah, blah. Anxiety flares up, that I am the only one responsible for taking care of me and S2, and I need to make strong, good decisions. None of this does any good, of course. But I have the intrusive thoughts, so I am trying to combat them and replace them with God's truth, and then reach out here because this is a safe place to process negative feelings. It's about the car, but it really is about me and my insecurities. I don't feel capable. So, when I think "I'm not capable", I will choose to think "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." When I think, "I will never be able to change; I will probably always let others take advantage of me" I will think instead, "He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion on the day of Christ Jesus." I also can just say "I cast down arguments and theories and every proud thought that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, leading every thought captive away into the obedience of Christ."
I don't always do that, but I am practicing. I guess this is some of the aftermath of the craziness I just came out of. I have always struggled with self-esteem, and a r/s with a pwBPD did not impact that in a positive way.
Thanks for reading and replying! I hope all is going well with you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Blessings and peace to you,

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Redeemed,

If you were to ask your CW's bf to get the money back for the car and you'll find another yourself, what would happen?  Do you know?  Or could you only find out by asking?  What do want to do?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi HQ,

I don't know. I guess the only way to find out for sure is to do it. I talked to CW today and she agrees that I either need the car or the money back. At this point, if he doesn't have the money to give back for the car, then I will accept the car, fixed or not, and will take it to someone else to fix it. I have financial aid money coming in from school, so paying for a car repair would not break me. CW bf just left to go on a trip and will be gone for ten days. If I don't have the car issue resolved by the time he comes back, I will tell him I need to go get the car, fixed or not. I am planning to drive it until I have saved x amount of $, and then I plan on trading it in for a "soccer mom" van. I have a lawyer appointment to see about getting unlimited visitation with D10, D9, S6, S5, and D4, who live with my sister and are currently under her legal guardianship. My sister needs help with taking all the kids to their various activities. S6 is going to play soccer if I get my visitation limitation lifted, and I will be able to take S2 to see his brother practice and play games, so a van would be appropriate!

 I am learning (slowly) that defining boundaries also means speaking up when I feel that I am not being treated fairly in r/s other than personal. I have a lot to learn, but it's starting to sink in. One thing my former T used to ask me when I talked about having anxiety was "What is the worst that could happen?" Then we would talk through the "worst-case" scenario until my anxiety about it lessened, and I could gain clarity on my perspective.

Avoidance has been my MO for handling uncomfortable situations, but if I am going to experience any growth or maturity or learn any type of healthy skills, that has to go. I have to force myself out of my comfort zone, or I will stay stuck.

Thanks for replying HQ!

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

I find myself doing things a certain way sometimes, or making decisions, and I think "uBPDh would probably be mad about this." And then I remember- I don't have to worry about that. I no longer have to tailor my life to fit his distorted thinking. I didn't really have to before- I just did it.

Redeemed, I am so happy for all the peace you have, and all you are doing with it.  Pretty much everything you said resonated with me, but I called out the quote above, because I had the exact same feeling!  One specific example that comes to mind was when I cooked dinner for D12 and I slightly overdid or underdid whatever it was, and I didn't get ridiculed!  I heard a voice inside me ridiculing, and I just let it go!  D12 and I enjoyed the meal!

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Redeemed

Great news on the progress with the kids and your plans with your sister!  This is wonderful.  Just look at the steps you are taking in getting your life where you want it to be!

I have to force myself out of my comfort zone, or I will stay stuck.

I hear you on this.  The first step is the hardest and after that it begins to get easier.  I'm seeing lots of deliberate progress here, which is fantastic.  Good on you for taking control of the car situation and having that resolve.  I know how uncomfortable it can feel to go against our usual ways of coping.  Avoidance has been a lifelong friend for me too.  Your former therapist sounds good!

Boundaries are a challenge for a large number of us, and you seem to be taking the right view to applying them to your life.  What I find helpful for myself is to ask myself what is important to me in order to pin down my values.  Do you have a good sense of your values in relationships with others and how do you define your boundaries around these?

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Redeemed,

I'm catching up a bit.  Good luck with the "soccer mom" van!  That sounds pretty exciting, actually, to a soccer dad!  We had a van to cart our kids around for the longest time, and it was great.  I like the symbolism, too, and the fact that it will mean that you can help your sister more with your kids!  All good things!  And if S6 gets involved in soccer, that's great.  Some of my favorite memories of parenting are from watching my kids play soccer.

Good luck with the car repair.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  Radiator trouble is not great, but there are much scarier things that can go on inside a car, budget-wise.

WW

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,  wow!  You are making great progress.  Each time you take action and deal with an uncomfortable issue instead of avoiding it, you become stronger.  Success begets success.  Keep up the good work.

I’m excited for you to have the opportunity to be more involved with your children. 

Just remember, there will be setbacks, but don’t give up.  Sometimes, I have to be satisfied with baby steps.  In fact, that’s usually where I find my greatest victories.  Just a small step at a time.

Congratulations on making needed changes.  You are so brave!

Mustbe

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

Harley, I don't know if I ever really thought about specifics in terms of values I have in relationships. I guess I just generally refer to the "Golden Rule" when dealing with others, and hope that they do the same with me. I am not a person who expects others to be perfect. People are flawed, and we all make mistakes. I want to be a person who forgives and I want to be forgiven. I want to be a person who serves others, and I want my needs to be heard and met if possible. I want to be a person who is trustworthy, and I want to have r/s with people I can trust, whether it is a personal or professional r/s. I want to be respectful and be treated with respect. I want to be loyal and not be betrayed. I want to protect and to be protected. I want to extend grace and mercy, show kindness, be generous, be honest and faithful, be reliable, be consistent, have self-control, share, lend support, and have these things reciprocated. I want to do all of these things without the expectation of reciprocation as motivation, but simply because that is how Jesus told us to treat others. I understand there will be times when someone in my life does not reciprocate the kind of treatment I value. That is where boundaries come in and that is where my mind, who insists on complicating everything, begins to ask questions that slowly, almost imperceptibly, blur the lines for me on what I should tolerate and what I should not.

For instance, I might think, "I am not getting my needs met. But I am not supposed to think more highly of myself than I ought. Right? that's what the Bible says. I am supposed to keep loving and meeting others' needs even when they are not meeting mine, and pray for them. Jesus came to serve and not be served. I am supposed to follow His example... ." and so on, until I am pushing back the lines of what is "not right" vs. "completely unacceptable, or damaging , and (in the case of my marriage)possibly traumatizing". I might even make excuses for other people, or myself for allowing my boundaries to be fluid.

That is the first complication; the second is when I actually do get a sense that I am being wronged in a way that requires a boundary to be set in order for the mistreatment to stop, then I don't know how to go about it. I start finding the failure in any attempt to set a boundary. I "retreat into my shell" much like a snail would if it could look across the yard and think "wow, that yard looks pretty big. I don't know how to cross it."

That's what I have been doing for a couple of days now. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I have some decisions to make regarding the car, my living situation, my husband, my finances, and I am super tired and stressed. I have been irritable and anxious. I also suffered an allergic reaction to a couple of bug bites this weekend and had severe swelling in my arm which required medical treatment. S2 got bitten a whole lot as well, but he did not have the reaction I did. We both still went to the doctor. Antibiotics, steroids, antihistamines and a cortisone shot for me; antihistamines and hydro cortisone cream for S2. He has insurance. I don't. It cost me money I was not wanting to spend. But I was kind of afraid there was infection (there was) and it might spread to my bloodstream if I didn't go (not impossible) and then thoughts of eventual hospitalization and amputation made me decide to go spend the money. So... .the shot made the swelling tolerable enough for me to go to work. No having to learn how to wait tables with a prosthetic arm.

I guess I just feel so indecisive all the time. I never just say with certainty, "Oh that's obviously the best course of action for me. That's what I'm going to do" and then do it. The decisions I do make seem to backfire, lots of times. (I will not say all the time, because that is "all or nothing" thinking and I try to catch myself when I do that because it is not realistic.) I get discouraged, and then I renew my determination. I pray and remember that God is my provider and He will guide me. I know I could improve my mood with more sleep and less energy drinks and cigarettes. (Yes, I am a Christian who still smokes. I have it on the to-do list, I promise.) I don't even pretend that I eat healthy. I don't, and I admit it, and furthermore, I don't have the motivation to do it. (There, I said it.)

I hear people say all the time "Well you just focus on taking care of yourself and that baby." But what does "taking care" really look like? That is such a broad term. What are the levels of care I should be achieving? Who determines what these standards of care are and if I am meeting them? How do I know what is being lazy with taking care and what will come with time? Am I prioritizing the "care" details right? Where should I look for a place to move, and when, and how much, and should I live alone or with a roommate, can I afford it, and is it too soon, am I rushing it. Why have I not made more effort to get into therapy? Shouldn't that be a priority? What about finding a consistent church home? I want S2 to have a church family he grows up knowing. On and on and on. My mind and its persistent complications of everything is exhausting me.

When that happens, I want to go back in the snail shell. Sometimes I do, for a little while. I might just exhausted from doing All The Things I Have To Do that I rebel and do something that I want to do instead of something I should be doing. It might even be constructive, like posting here or reading or writing. Or it might be that I lose myself in negative feelings for a while and start allowing anxious and fearful thoughts, or angry and frustrated thoughts, to bounce around my mind for a while. I might just sit and stare out the window or door while I let the thoughts run rampant. But... .I do not allow them to continue. I stop them, sometimes later than I should, but I make the conscious choice to say "NO. I do not wish to continue this line of destructive and unproductive thinking."

I guess I am learning how to set boundaries with my own negative thought patterns. Good job Redeemed! Yay for me.

The way I know I have made some progress is that even when I go back in the snail shell for a while... .I come back out. There was a dark, dark time before when I just couldn't do that. I didn't know how. So I guess, if I learned how to not rock tight in the snail shell and stay there, I can learn how to make decisions without a million complex questions bombarding me. I can learn how to prioritize and not feel guilty about pushing some things to the bottom of the list. I can learn how to feel confident in myself to get important things done, and in my parenting skills:I might be that mom that fed her kid an Oreo first thing this morning. But I made sure he had a safe environment to eat that Oreo in, didn't I- heck yes, I did. Good job, Redeemed.   You took care of S2 today. Let's celebrate... .another round of Oreo's is in order.

[I Am Redeemed]

Update on the car issue... .

They are having to take the whole front end out to diagnose the gasket head issue and then also put a cluster in. It is a big job. I still don't know when it will be fixed, or if it can be, but the guy is at least working on it. Just frustrating and I am not always good at being patient. 

I did speak to uBPDh. He had his court hearing yesterday, and he agreed to a plea bargain but refuses to say how long he has to spend in jail. He did say he had initially agreed to a plea bargain that included mental health treatment, but in court the plea bargain changed. His brother, who is in jail with him (yeah, it's that kind of FOO) told their mother that the deal was for uBPDh to serve 2-4 years. UBPDh did tell me that he was going to church and taking classes, that he was trying to work on his issues any way he could and that he "had some time to do that now." He asked if I could send him some money for commissary. I said I would see what I could do. Now I feel like I am being a pushover again. I don't know if I am doing what I am "supposed" to do in terms of being a mentally healthy person. I am so unsure of my own motives and choices that I don't even know if having compassion on my husband who is in jail, whether we are together or not, is "right" or "wrong"... .

Self-doubt. Wondering if I stepped into a trap by allowing contact. He is my kids' father, and I wanted to hear what he is facing in terms of a sentence. Also curious if he would own up. He does admit fault, but then attaches "mitigating factors" which include blaming drugs, other people, stress, depression as contributing to him ultimately making bad decisions which caused him to physically harm me and endanger our son. He said he had admitted to one charge (probably the simple assault) but not the other (probably the aggravated) because he could not remember doing it. Whatever. I am not getting into a "Yes you did" conversation. He said he chose not to have it taken to the grand jury because that would have required me to testify and he did not want me to have to go through that. Sounds nice, but I think it had more to do with him not wanting to wait several more weeks just to go in front of the grand jury and have them believe me, because with his record there's not much he could do to convince them I was not telling the truth.

He did say that he is going to have to accept responsibility for his own actions. I almost fainted. There was no blaming attached to that one statement. Not that time. I guess it was sinking in that he is going to be sitting in jail for a while, with no chance of getting out. That must be a terrible feeling.

He is still having delusional thinking. One of my co-workers has the same last name as the DA, so uBPDh has decided that they are related and that my co-worker "knows what's going on." Said that anything I say at my job gets back to him. Asked me if I believed that. I said "no, I don't" and resisted the urge to discuss that further.

Says he has had headaches and been rocking back and forth in his cell. Said the other night his head hurt so bad he prayed and prayed and God came to him and healed him of the pain, and "pulled him down into the Bible" and he was swimming around in the words. Says God gave him supernatural understanding of the Bible. He quotes it a lot, but there is a twist to it. I don't know how to describe it but it isn't normal. I'm sure there is some psychological term for it. He attaches meaning to Biblical scripture that is, I guess, delusional, for lack of a better word. He is also still attaching meaning to numbers that come up in every day life, such as his weight (144.6, we have 6 kids. That "means something".

He apologized that they did not court order him to mental health treatment. He said he knows that is what I want. I told him that he will not be in jail forever, and he can make the choice to seek treatment on his own when he is able to do that. He said he will, for the kids, and I told him that he should also do it for his own quality of life. I told him "you don't want to keep living this way." He agreed that he does not.

I don't know where all this is going. It's just a lot to think about and process. I have been more stressed since I allowed contact because I did break down and start yelling at him at one point and had to hang up because I got mad at myself for losing control. On the other hand, I was being eaten up with questions about whether or not he was getting treatment, was he going back to prison, would he even acknowledge how he hurt me, etc. I don't know if I opened a can of worms by allowing contact. But at some point he will get out, and then there will be co-parenting to discuss. He has not lost rights to the kids irrevocably, but there will probably be lots of restrictions on when and how he can see them when he is released.

At least I have a great r/s with my MIL. She was married to his daddy for 7 years, and we have swapped stories about our experiences. Sounds like uBPDh's father was uBPD also. Maybe npd as well. I am glad that my r/s with MIL is sound and will continue regardless of my separation from uBPDh. She loves me like a daughter, and I love her like a mom, and that doesn't have to stop.

I don't know what to do next. Yes I do. I am contacting my former T tomorrow. I believe that I can surely find one of my friends to help watch S2 for an hour and a half once a week or so while I get back into therapy. I put it off too long because I am a procrastinator and I don't like asking for help. But this is too much to process and I could benefit from a professional counselor. I keep pretending I am okay, but this is hard and I admit that I need a little extra support now.

So glad you guys are here.

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,  I just wanted to say I hear you.  You are doing a good job of dealing with problems and not avoiding.  That’s difficult, but I think it’s the only way to truly get to a better place in life.  With that said, not everything has to be dealt with at once.  Like a snail - slow and steady wins the race.

Hang in there.

Mustbe

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Mustbe,

Sometimes I feel like I am trying to deal with a piece of this over here and a piece of that over there because there is so much at once. I get overwhelmed a little trying to figure out what should get my focus and what I can leave alone for now. I suppose that is where T would come in.

How are you doing? Sounds like you are hanging in there too. Thanks for your encouragement.

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed, yes Therapy would probably help sort out the priorities. It really does sound like you are slowly working things out. 

I am hanging in there.  I am gradually processing all that has happened.  Sometimes I am flooded with uncomfortable memories, but I am working to move forward.

Take care,

Mustbe

[Radcliff]

Hello Redeemed,

Thanks for the detailed updates!  Good luck with the car.  I had a car one time that blew a transmission, and right after I paid a ton of money to fix it, it blew a head gasket!  I knew when I saw engine oil mixed in with the coolant it was a bad, bad thing.

I can relate to feeling overwhelmed with multiple priorities.  Frankly, I deal best with only one thing at a time!  I find it helps to get a piece of paper and write them all out, then figure out which ones can be delayed until later.  Then, give yourself permission to not worry about the ones you've decided to delay and focus on just what you've decided you have the brain space to focus on immediately.

Great news on the T!  You are dealing a ton of stuff.  It is in fact, far too much to process without hope.

I can completely relate to your urge to contact your husband, and your misgivings about it.  When my wife first left our house on the restraining order, we had thing to talk about like the kids and getting her therapy and batterer program set up.  I had several text conversations with her that went on for up to four hours.  My therapist was very helpful in supporting me to put some boundaries around that.  I noticed that the less contact I had with my wife, the healthier I was.  We only text and e-mail, and I've completely stopped having any sort of interactive conversations with my wife over text.  Half the time she texts, I'll respond by e-mail.  I am way less stressed out.

I would recommend that you think hard about what kind of contact with your husband is healthy for you.  You can change it over time.  If you need some space to heal and get your bearings, you can go to low or no contact for a bit.  If you want more contact you can always increase it.  One other thing to add is that greatly reducing my contact with my wife was very important to giving me the head space I needed to think about the future of our relationship, if I could ever feel safe with her again, etc.  It was hard to think about any of that when I was still sucked into trying to "fix" her and take care of her.

That is fantastic that you have a great relationship with your mother-in-law.  I bet if you decide to ramp down your contact with your husband, she could be a good person to keep in touch with him, feed him news about the kids, etc. so you can feel more comfortable having space if you need it.

I'm jumping around a bit, but you asked about self care.  I've been working on that, too.  If you are asking what's lazy and what's self care, then almost certainly you are working too hard and not doing enough self care!  If you are going from waking to bedtime only doing working a job, caring for S2, tending your home, or doing things for other people, you need more self care!  Self care is anything that repairs your body, mind, or spirit.  The doctor is self care.  I'm glad you still have two arms!  Don't worry about being lazy.  You'll know.  I've had a chance to sleep in a few times recently, and I enjoyed it, then enjoyed it some more, until I hit a point where I'm like, "OK, now this is ridiculous, I need to get out of bed."  I guess what I'm saying is that starting from where you are, take it to the edge of ridiculous.  Take a hot bath until you have shrunken prune hands.  Read a book as long as you can get away with it.  If you are making a living waiting tables and you are taking care of a small child, the chances that you are going to be lazy are precisely... .zero.

One last thing, I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but if you're interested in boundaries in a Christian context, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is the book for you.  For all I know I already recommended it on this thread, and you've already said you read it, but I'm too tired to check!

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi WW,

I just finished a short daily devotional on my You Version bible app that was based on the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. The devotional was just a small tidbit of the book, but it was helpful and it made me want to get the actual book to read. I really liked how they describe boundaries as being fences that define parameters, but with gates that open so that we don't shut out love or shut in fear.

I guess I just have lived with criticism so long (since I was a child; my father was very critical) I tend to always feel like I am doing something the wrong way, or not handling everything well. I am trying to remember that I am my worst critic, and I can make me hush. Leftover residue from verbal abuse still sticks to my thought patterns, but I can choose to reverse that and be kind to myself in my internal monologues.

I love making lists! I am such a nerd that way, and I don't care! I know my ultimate goals, and I am working towards them. I feel like I am in limbo in a way with the whole car situation and moving out on my own, but I am trying to take it a day at a time and not rush. It will happen the way God has it planned.

I have noticed that I am more stressed and on edge since I resumed contact with uBPDh. The good thing is that I can easily limit contact, because I have set a budget on the phone calls I am willing to pay for in order to talk to him, and I do not have to answer when I don't want to. He would call three times a day daily if I let him, but 3 conversations lasting 15 minutes each is way over what I can handle daily- financially, emotionally or mentally. I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to, either, regardless of how much he calls. His mother can only handle limited contact with him as well, because he stresses her out too.

I can already see how he is trying to manipulate me, just from our brief conversations. He emphasizes how much he is studying the Bible. He says he is going to get mental health treatment when he gets out. He said he would probably be out in time to take S2 to the ball park. I said he wasn't going anywhere with S2 alone without some mental health treatment, and anyway, he will probably have to go back in front of the family court judge to get visitation with any of the kids. He said he understood, but the next day he said something about us "working together on our issues without putting stipulations on each other like 'you can't see the kids unless you get treatment, etc'."
I told him once more that there is no way I am putting S2 at risk and I am not going to do anything that will risk me losing custody of him. That means abiding by the order of protection, which apparently uBPDh has decided is not valid for reasons I couldn't decipher.    He also told me that he discussed our situation with some of his cell buddies, (who are the best candidates to give advice on what I should do, I'm sure) and they all wondered why I don't just get another car and move in with my MIL. I see this as an attempt to manipulate me as well. Of course he would be more comfortable if I was living with MIL. She lives an hour away almost, in a very rural area. I would have to change jobs, which would take me away from the support system I have gained in my co-workers (threat to him) and I would be in "his" environment still- MIL lives in uBPDh's hometown. Her health is not good, and she can't care for S2 while I work. I don't have any other friends or resources in that town. There is no way I would leave the job I have had for almost three years to move in with MIL and have to put S2 in daycare. Not to mention I am not buying another car, although I suspect this "plan" of his is motivation for his offer to have me file his taxes separately from mine and let him claim S2, which will pay his back child support on the other kids, and then I can "keep the rest of the money if I will just send him some every week." I also suspect pushback if I don't agree to take his tax refund, buy another car, quit my job and move in with his mother an hour away from the entire support system I have built here.

No dice. I ain't doin' it.

I see him laying the foundation for certain "traps" for me and I refuse to jump in them. He is going to find out that time is not going to change my mind about my resolve to live free from abuse and danger. I doubt that I will ever feel safe in close proximity to him again. Maybe he can enter recovery and we can navigate the waters of co-parenting, but even that is a distant goal at this point. I do pray for him, and I hope his mental health will become stable. However, I do not stake my future or my kids' future on that hope- not anymore.

I realize that I can lower my stress level even when I communicate with him when I consciously acknowledge to myself that he is still very, very ill, and I don't have to try to reason or JADE because it will not do any good. I use our conversations to tell him about S2, and listen to him, and keep most of my opinions to myself. I make no solid promises nor do I disclose many details about my plans. I try to keep my responses simple, and if I hear something off the wall that I don't know how to respond to then I just don't say anything. I remember that I can set boundaries and stick to them. If he reacts negatively to that, then it's not my problem. If he wants to get well and be a father to his kids, then he will do it. If not, well- my kids will still have me. If that's the worst that can happen, I can live with that.

Since I like lists so much, I think maybe I will start a "self-care" list and pick one thing on the list to do for myself every day. Right now, self care looks like eating a big piece of pie while I post on here. I only ate one half, but I think I deserve to eat the other half as well. Since I am supposed to start with "ridiculous" and all   the size of the piece of this pie is ridiculous!

But it's so good

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, I believe we are both thinking similarly -- to set a very high standard for what we deserve, and to hold to that.  If our spouses can meet it, great.  Though I wonder if the standard I've set is even attainable by my wife.  Maybe not.  And maybe that's OK.  Even one empathy fail, or one impulsive lashing out gives me flashbacks to the old days.  It is surprising, though, how certain exposures, like D17 telling me I'm being too hard on her mother and exaggerating things, can weaken my resolve.  Be ready for that.

I slept in until about 10am this morning.  D12 checked on me at 9am "to make sure you're still alive," and then when I appeared at 10, she gave me a good natured hard time.  I told her that I was telling a friend who was having trouble relaxing to "take it to the edge of ridiculous," and that this morning, I certainly had done that!  Tomorrow, I'll make it a point to appear more industrious!

I'm extremely impressed with how clearly you're calling out the traps your husband is laying for you.  I think you're sizing the situation up accurately, and making good decisions.   

Keep us posted!

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

WW, I agree. I am making my focus on my goals and what I want to accomplish, not what he accomplishes (or doesn't.) What I am going to do is heal, process, learn how to set healthy boundaries, be consistent, be a good mother, integrate more and more visitation time with my five older children and eventually file for custody to be restored to me, finish school, start a writing career, serve God, and be happy with me. Whatever my uBPDh does or does not do is not going to affect any of that. I will never say that God doesn't work miracles, because He does, but I am proceeding with the "most likely" outcome in mind, which is that the threat of violence will not completely be eliminated. That is what I call "balance"- I leave my mind open to God's infinite wisdom and power, I leave my heart open to His grace and mercy, and I leave my will in His hands.

-Redeemed

[Radcliff]

WW, I agree. I am making my focus on my goals and what I want to accomplish, not what he accomplishes (or doesn't.) What I am going to do is heal, process, learn how to set healthy boundaries, be consistent, be a good mother, integrate more and more visitation time with my five older children and eventually file for custody to be restored to me, finish school, start a writing career, serve God, and be happy with me. Whatever my uBPDh does or does not do is not going to affect any of that. I will never say that God doesn't work miracles, because He does, but I am proceeding with the "most likely" outcome in mind, which is that the threat of violence will not completely be eliminated. That is what I call "balance"- I leave my mind open to God's infinite wisdom and power, I leave my heart open to His grace and mercy, and I leave my will in His hands.

-Redeemed

That nails it!    B.t.w., I think your writing career has already begun, right here.

Keep us posted on the car and the kids!

How much time do you have until you finish school?  Sorry, you may have already said this.

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

WW,

The program I am in is an accelerated degree program. It takes between 24 and 36 months, depending on whether you have all the core classes needed. They will let you begin the program if you have 60 credits, whether they are the required classes or not, and then you just pick up the missing core classes as you can along the way. I have maybe three or four classes to add to the degree program classes in order to graduate. Normally I would have mapped out a plan with my advisor for the entire program to see which classes to take each term, but we decided to take it one semester at a time because of all the drama last fall. She actually asked if I wanted to sit out this semester but I said "No way." I am already having to repeat two classes that I failed during all the chaos and fallout from leaving and serving the protective order. I am not going to get any more behind. The program is great because I only take one class at a time, 12 weeks for one and then 12 weeks for another, and I do it online. That's about all I can handle with work and S2, not to mention baby-sitting for my co-worker (who also baby-sits for me). That's like a second job itself- she has three kids, S3, S1, and D4mos!

CW BF said the shop flooded where my car is, so that will put off the repair even more. We are starting to call BS on a lot of things he has said. It's a little creepy- I think this guy is a patho liar. He has also made some veiled threats to her in texts which she has saved, and  she is actually planning an undercover "escape", if you will, from her r/s- she has been ready to leave for a while but did not have the confidence. No physical abuse, but a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. I think this guy displays a lot of NPD traits. Anyway, we are planning a covert move to another house on our own with our children. She is nervous. He is super controlling. I am nervous too. I think it was the hand of God that guided me to this website, because I have learned a lot about planning exits on here.

Ever heard of "jumping out of the frying pan into the fire"? Well, this may not be as hot as the "pan" I was in, but same idea. Just my luck, I guess.

I will keep y'all updated on the kid situation. Going to see my lawyer tomorrow about petitioning for unsupervised visitation. D10 said she wants S2 to sleep over. That was her request when I asked her what she wanted for Easter. So sweet. I know my kids miss their little brother. God willing, they will get to see him more very soon.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, thanks for the update!  Good luck with the degree program!  I took one class at a time for many years.  One of the things I liked was when each class hit the transcript, it felt like forward progress had been cemented in.  I knew I'd get there eventually!

I am kind of chuckling about the car, because "pathological liar" is not really a great quality for someone you've entrusted your car to.  Maybe the only worse thing would be to have a therapist who is a pathological liar.  That would definitely be worse.  So, there are some really good, really honest mechanics out there.  Any thoughts of biting the bullet and having the car towed somewhere else?

WW