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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: First posting, my story  (Read 368 times)
GoBlue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: February 20, 2018, 09:37:26 AM »

Hello all,

I am new here. I just started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and it's been eye-opening. I dated a woman with BPD, then was friends with her for many years. I'd like to share my story so that I can be heard. I've found that I cannot tell anyone about the time I spent with the person with BPD. I'll call her Betty. I cannot tell anyone because what she did and said was so strange. It was also very hurtful and damaging to me, and not being able to talk about it makes it harder to process and get over the pain. I can't 100% explain why my experience with Betty was so bad, but it was.

OK here's my story: I met Betty years ago and was attracted to her charisma and energy. We dated for a few days. I pulled back after she gave me a sexually transmitted disease that she didn't disclose. She actually had insisted we didn't use protection. I broke up with her quickly, but remained friends. I'm not sure why. I was in shock that she'd transmitted the disease, and never talked to her about it. Part of that was that I did not trust her.

Years passed, and every now and then she came into my life. She was always doing something wacky and interesting and totally new. Once she pressed me about having done anything she needed to apologize for. She was into AA at the time, and was making amends. I said no because I still didn't trust her with the information that she'd transmitted her disease to me. In general I thought she was fun, but was not someone who I could trust.

The last time Betty came into my life she came on strong. She had just moved somewhere close to me, and invited me to visit. I was in between obligations, and had a significant amount of free time. I declined her invitation. She kept inviting me, and kept making the prospect of visiting more enticing. Eventually I said OK and visited. I feel really stupid for going.

When I got there she invited me into her bed and I said no. We had a good time otherwise, and she invited me to stay as long as I wanted. During this visit I learned she has BPD. I didn't know what it was at the time. I wish I'd listened to her when she told me about BPD and her behaviors related to BPD. I guess I didn't believe someone could really think and do the things she did that reflected her BPD. Here's what happened during my visit: I became the babysitter and parent figure for her child. She was working part-time, and I would watch her child. In the evening she'd often run out for a quick errand and be gone for hours. The same thing happened on the weekends. Pretty soon I was scared for the child and felt responsible for him. What would happen if I were not there? Even when Betty was home, she mostly ignored the child. It was just odd. Even though Betty disappeared, she would sometimes pretend she hadn't. The next day she might flatly state she'd been home all night when she hadn't. I just gave in and didn't question her.

Betty overall kept asking me to stay but she was very mean and made cutting remarks. I tried to ignore them. I felt bad for her because she told me stories about how her family, her baby daddy, and her friends had mistreated her and her son. It made me want to treat her well to make up for them. The stories started wearing thin though when I noticed contradictions. I never pointed them out because she got angry when I questioned anything she said or did. My visit lasted two weeks. During that time I thought about bringing up the STD but she seemed to sense something was up and she hijacked the conversation and wouldn't let me talk.

The visit ended when she exploded about an issue with her family. She was screaming and her child was crying. She was yelling at the child, "You don't get to cry. It's my time to cry. Shut up!" It was scary and sad. She got on the phone and yelled at her family. Then she called someone and insisted the family needed to be killed or beaten up. Someone needed to teach them a lesson. I told her it wasn't good to yell with the child in the room she turned on me and screamed. She kicked me out. I left. When she cooled down she apologized. I made plans to leave. She tried to get me to stay.

When I'd left she slandered me to mutual friends. I lost one good friend because of this slander. I tried to tell my good friend about what Betty was like but it just made me sound crazy.

Looking back I see lots of red flags. Betty's baby daddy had just left her when she invited me to stay. She gaslighted me over and over. I gave the example above about disappearing, then saying she had never disappeared. Back then I didn't know about gaslighting I wish I had known. Other red flags were her confiding in me that she had BPD. I wish I'd taken her seriously. Also, she said she had been in mental hospitals involuntarily. I guess I didn't believe her or I didn't know what to make of this. Another red flag was the alcoholism. I didn't know what alcoholism was. She was in recovery, I think, though at least once she came home from a disappearance smelling like alcohol. She said she didn't drink so I assumed she was meeting a man for sex and that he had been drinking. This might sound odd but she claimed to have countless partners. I was in pity mode, feeling bad for her, so I almost wanted to let her have a good time and I would watch her child. I can't explain why I was thinking this way.

I have lots of confused thoughts and feelings about this two weeks. It wasn't long but it was intense. I felt trapped. She wanted me there. I felt necessary to look after her child. Did she pretend to be an unfit mother because she knew I'd step in and do the parenting? Was she manipulating me? Or did she really not know how to pay attention to her child? I felt like she was trying to crush me and control me. It's taken me a long time to get over these two weeks. Thank you for listening.
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JNChell
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2018, 10:56:54 AM »

 

Hi GoBlue. Welcome to bpdfamily! What you’ve described sounds very confusing indeed. I’m sorry that you’re having such a difficult time sorting this out. These relationships can be mind bending and more. What have you been doing so far to process what you’re feeling? Her parenting dynamic sounds quite alarming. Have you spoken to anyone about what you witnessed? The STD she gave you must’ve been hard to keep buried. Have you given another thought to disclosing that to her? It’s highly unlikely that she will let her other partners know, but maybe she will be enough of an adult and take the responsibility to get treated for it. We’re glad that you found your way to us. There are many, many people here that are a lot like you and are going through similar situations. I’d like to invite you the “:)etaching from a failed relationship” board. I think you’ll find some good insight there, as well as helping others just by talking about your situation. Like you said, it’s hard to find folks to talk to about this stuff, and we’re all in that boat with you. You’re not alone, and welcome to the family.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
GoBlue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1


« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2018, 12:04:44 PM »

Thanks for your reply JNChell! Here are some answers to questions you posed:

"What have you been doing so far to process what you’re feeling?"
One thing I've been doing to process how I'm feeling is attending Al-Anon Family Group meetings. That's taught me to detach with love and not to take responsibility for the problems of others. Lately I've been reading books about BPD: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. These books have been invaluable because I don't feel so alone anymore. It's like I'm reading about Betty, and how to effectively manage relationships with people like her. Suddenly what I experienced has context. The explanations of BPD and the associated behaviors helps me understand and process my experiences.

"Her parenting dynamic sounds quite alarming. Have you spoken to anyone about what you witnessed?"
I have not spoken to anyone. Betty, the person with BPD, is a gifted storyteller. She'd be able to spin tales and explain away her lack of attention to her child. I'm also scared of Betty. I don't know how much of this is true, but she said most of her friends were in and out of prison. Also, she'd been involved in drug distribution at a high level. She spoke proudly about having done much worse things than anyone she'd encountered in AA. Another reason for not telling anyone is that I was in shock after my visit. None of it seemed real. Having read about BPD, I'm beginning to understand that what I experienced is real, and that it happened. I should mention that I met Betty through my best friend, and our friend group at the time was educated and law-abiding. I was not aware of the criminal element in Betty's life.

"The STD she gave you must’ve been hard to keep buried. Have you given another thought to disclosing that to her? It’s highly unlikely that she will let her other partners know, but maybe she will be enough of an adult and take the responsibility to get treated for it."
I haven't thought again about disclosing this to her. At this point I don't want further contact. She is aware that she carries the disease. She let that slip when I visited.

Again, thank you! My post was rambling, I know. It felt good to get my experience on the page. 
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