SO with PTSD could have BPD

[XiB8mZWCpx]

There is no diagnosis yet, but I've just finished reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the entire book hit home for me. My SO has been diagnosed with PTSD from a previous abusive marriage and over the years I've started a somewhat doubt her version of events in her past relationship (which I find somewhat shameful of myself for doing). Part of me is wondering is my SO is pushing all of the blame for his first failed marriage onto their ex in order to justify it. I've been lied to many many times in this relationship from so pretty crazy whoppers at the beginning (which I just dismissed) to some serious lies involved cheating (even though we have an open relationship structure).

Anyway, my partner is in therapy for PTSD and is taking medication for that disorder. I really think that might be a false diagnosis, but things actually seem to be improving and I've realized that over the years, I've done a lot of the things in the book. I'm wondering if I should talk to her therapist or if being treating for a personality disorder, like PTSD, is enough in the ballpark so that they get the help they need.

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi XiB8mZWCpx and welcome.  

A past we thought we understood suddenly becomes a lot grayer when we discover BPD and realize not everything our partner told us might be true. It can be incredibly confusing. I have a very bad memory and am now questioning bad things my wife said I did a few years ago. How's that for weird?  

I tried working with our couple's therapist to get my wife a BPD diagnosis but the therapist eventually became uncomfortable with how much I was trying to talk with her behind the scenes. Do you have any preexisting relationship with your SO's therapist? How do you think your partner would respond to a BPD diagnosis?

~ROE

[XiB8mZWCpx]

My partner is making a lot of progress in the years that we have been together and I don't want to change things for them now since it is going so well (we've had some arguments and I can see the rages coming on, but they are far more controlled now). I have talked to my SO's therapist about other things and have the ability to text them as well with my concerns. I don't know how much my SO would appreciate me meddling and, as I said, things are drastically improving. I've also researched many of the personality disorders and many of them seem to have a lot in common, which makes diagnosis understandably difficult.

My SO is highly functional and seems to only rage when things really get to the point where they don't know what to do. I've only had two episodes where it got to the point where I didn't feel that I could handle it and both of those incidents have been reported to the therapist.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi XiB8mZWCpx, glad to hear your partner is improving. It sounds like your main concern right now is making sure your partner's illness - which you strongly believe is BPD - is identified correctly so he can receive the correct treatment. It's good you are able to have some communication with the therapist when things get out of hand.

I feel like my wife has improved in some areas but worsened in others. Do you attribute the progress your SO has made to therapy or actions you've taken in the relationship, e.g. setting boundaries?

~ROE

[XiB8mZWCpx]

I feel like both have a factor, honestly. I have been much better at standing my ground and having the difficult conversations even when I knew there might an a raging argument that occurred. I've also been better at not arguing back at my SO during these arguments. We haven't had a raging argument for several months now, but when my SO was out of town a few weekends ago, it was pretty obvious that they were raging over text messaging.

My SO is very much seeking help from the therapist for issues and has been getting on new medication, which might also be a factor. I actually feel like we can have discussions now instead of arguments that lead to raging followed by an apology without actually giving up any ground.

[RolandOfEld]

Good job at standing your ground without arguing. I've improved at standing my ground but don't do so every time. I could manage the rage that follows if it were just me, but I want the kids to see as little as that as possible. But sometimes I have to.

Kudos to you on the work you've done. A real discussion would be a wonderful thing. I wish apology without giving up ground was always possible. Usually the only way it ends is when I admit I was wrong.

[XiB8mZWCpx]

I think that last part of my previous post was misunderstand. What I meant to say is that my SO will rage for a while, apologize for it, but not actually change anything about themselves and therefore that overall issue remains. Unless I actually did something wrong, I will not apologize and I will not alter my behavior based on these rages because I'm my own person and will not be manipulated. I have been blamed for intentional hurting my SO, not loving them, lying based on statements that I never made, breaking rules that were never told to me, flirting with people I was simply talking to, etc.

I think the behavior of mine that has helped the most is NOT being pulled into the argument, but remaining calm and not taking blame and not apologizing for things that I didn't do.  I've been treating these rages like a child having a temper tantrum. If you don't give in and give them what they want, they begin to realize that they aren't effective and will try something else.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi XiB8mZWCpx,

I'd like to join RolandOfEld in welcoming you.  You've come to the right place.  Members here will relate to your situation and understand your feelings. 

Unless I actually did something wrong, I will not apologize and I will not alter my behavior based on these rages because I'm my own person and will not be manipulated.

I think the behavior of mine that has helped the most is NOT being pulled into the argument, but remaining calm and not taking blame

It's great to see that you are aware of how you can affect things and are conscious of your part in the dynamic.  Well done on holding on to your own separate identity.  Many of us can lose ourselves by becoming enmeshed in the r/s with our BPD SO.  It sounds like you have good boundaries, which will make a positive difference for both of you.  There are also great tools here to help you to make further improvements in the relationship, so take a good look around.  Something else I found helpful for myself when I first joined was to engage in others' threads, as I picked up a lot from these discussions and it felt good to speak to people who were experiencing the same things. 

Would you like to tell us a little more of your story?  How long have you been married and what are the behaviours can you identify in your partner that you feel may be attributed to BPD?  You mention rages.  Has this behaviour always been present to some degree in the r/s and is there a common trigger that you can identify?

Love and light x

[heartandwhole]

Hi XiB8mZWCpx



I'd like to join RolandOfEld and Harley Quinn in welcoming you to the site. You've found a great place for support as you navigate your relationship.

It sounds like things are going a lot better recently, and there is much changing and growing on both sides. That is really good news, and not easy to achieve.

There can be similarities in the symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD, and BPD, so the treatment your SO is getting may very well be helping, no matter what the true diagnosis is. Is she receiving treatment in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), by chance, as well as medication? That is a well known successful treatment for symptoms of BPD.

I have been blamed for intentional hurting my SO, not loving them, lying based on statements that I never made, breaking rules that were never told to me, flirting with people I was simply talking to, etc.

This is a very difficult feature of these kinds of relationships. I can relate to what you've written above. And at those times, the first thing I usually want to do is shut down and/or set the record straight.

Another approach might be using validation, which doesn't mean we take on or agree with what our partner is asserting. It shows we care about how they feel and are listening to their perception of events. It can be challenging, but with practice, it can help to calm emotions and feel connected again.

Maybe you are already practicing something like this with your SO, as things have improved a lot? It seems that boundaries have really helped in your relationship. And clearly your SO is working on her issues. There are lots of tools and skills we can practice, so do explore and let us know what you think.

heartandwhole