I have taken my ex to high-court yesterday to get access to my children. (Part2)

[SlyQQ]

Moselle keep in the forefront of your mind the court is not concerned about right or wrong here,

only what is best for the children, if that means unfairly toasting you or your ex so be it,

the warfare is obviously damaging, and if your wife is willing to exploit it the courts might

expect you to be the bigger person, try not to get wrapped up in right or wrong but the path of least damage to the kids

i am suprised you didn't forsee this scenario to some extent, take some time an try and make sure you don't get sup[rised

again good luck.

[livednlearned]

There are a few details which may help. Like the first judge saying "you are not a good mother", and subsequent evidence that has come to light that she lied to that judge in that 15 December hearing. Along with a further history of fraud and lies. (is this too much?)

Remember that the main narrative is mom is preventing you from having a relationship with the kids. Jujitsu parenting language in the Childress document may be your guide here.

You don't care if there is a history of fraud and lies. You care only about having a loving relationship with your kids. Communicating this skillfully is going to be key.

The curator was dismissive of the family advocate saying she was remiss in allowing unsupervised contact and that I should attend anger management classes.

While this is a surprising and false allegation, you are willing to do anything the court recommends, and you have some suggestions of your own. Perhaps it is coparenting classes with your ex, or family therapy with the kids. I have read somewhere that BPD therapists recommend individual therapy for the child, family therapy for the unit, then couples therapy for parent/child, and even couples counseling for the parents. When there is BPD, it's a family systems issue. Maybe that's something you propose -- that level of openness and intent to heal. This way, you aren't denying the serious allegations, you are inviting the court to come into your personal lives and evaluate you directly, rather than hearsay from ex or the (coached) kids.

Fortunately I have my mom as a witness that here has been no shouting, nor discussions about the mother as alleged.

Third-party professionals are more believable than family members in my court. Might want to look into that in yours.

On the contrary the mother riles them up and they make emotional, dysregulated, innacurate reports regarding the father to the curator. I can show this during my weekends as well when she phoned to scream at my mother.

The tricky thing is that if her allegations were true, then being riled up and emotional makes sense. She is feeling protective that harm is coming to her kids.

I was thinking of showing her narrative consistently for the last 3 years. and then highlighting the girl's responses to the curator being exactly the same as hers - shows coaching. Literally a table from all the reports generated so far. 4 columns showing her narrative "dad is lazy", "abusive", "sexually inappropriate". and compare it in the 4th column showing the consistency between hers and children's narrative and then tear the narrative apart with witnesses and character references. Thoughts?

Focus on solutions. Try to depersonalize this and think through how someone who doesn't know you and your family dynamics. When you propose solutions, think about consequences for non-compliance. Get the courts to think of you as an ally. Your problem is not being able to see the kids. Court's problem is that you guys keep coming back all the time. What solutions can you propose? What plan of action can be put in place so that you two can work toward a solution? Your ex is not going to allow the girls to attend therapy with you, we know that and you know that. Maybe you say to court, "My client proposes boat loads of therapy. He will pick three of reputable, highly trained psychologists, and mom can pick one. She has to pick by day/date, other Mr. Moselle will choose. The kids must attend these sessions. It is essential for their well-being to have a loving relationship with dad, as we mentioned in our last court appearance. We have concerns that these recent allegations and the coaching of the kids is a desperate and very harmful tactic intended to interrupt the original plan to reunite the kids with dad. This is our proposed solution so that dad is able to repair his relationship with the kids under the care of a trained therapist. We advise mom to attend her own individual session to better understand the impact of coaching the kids this way, and to agree to do family counseling with a therapist who has a 360 view of the whole family. Failure to comply signals to the court that mom is not able to consistently adhere to court orders, and is not supportive of a healthy, loving relationship between dad and kids. Etc."   

Shall I make an addendum which refutes her report in detail and make highlights available in the body of the affidavit, whilst referring to the defense I describe above?

A lot of this is going to be about how you phrase things. Share parts here if you feel comfortable. Or paraphrase so people can see how you frame things.
 

Shall I highlight that she has burdened the children with "keeping her out of prison" instead of mounting her own defense of the contempt charges. She wrote to my lawyer once that "the only reason the children will see their father is to keep her out of prison"

A good question for an L. Again, I think your challenge is how to phrase things in a way that does not escalate the moselle vs. ex fight and focuses on repairing moselle and kids. That's going to take some finesse.

They seem to place an emphasis on the paperwork in the high court. Thoughts?

That's good, no? That way you can write and rewrite until you get it where you want it to be?

Run through and make a checklist on every paragraph to see if it emphasizes your loving relationship with the kids. If you need to refute the "evidence" of children's hearsay that you are abusive, then it's appropriate to point toward mom's coaching. "Mom's coaching can be seen in exhibit a, b, c, d, and e. Mom is willing to go to any extent to impair the kids from having a loving relationship with their dad. It is disturbing that these recent allegations follow the competent court-ordered evaluation that ruled favorably in dad's favor of reuniting with his kids. In exhibit b, mom is telling the kids that they need to do x otherwise dad will send mom to prison. This is simply one incidence of coaching and inappropriately burdening the minor children. What we propose is to revisit the original ruling and continue with the therapeutic reunification between dad and kids. We recommend lots and lots of therapy, with lots and lots of light, to shine sunshine all over these shadows, if it pleases the court. Dad is willing to pick three reputable psychologists so that the kids and dad can heal the estrangement and coaching that has impeded them from having a loving relationship with dad. We recommend mom gets therapy to help her learn appropriate ways of communicating with the kids and managing what appears to be exceptional levels of anxiety. We have concerns that mom will not be able to follow court orders. If she is not able to pick a psychologist by day/date, Mr. moselle will choose. Failure to comply with court orders will be grounds for xyz next legal thing."

[gotbushels]

Hi Moselle   

I just wanted to give my support here, and thank you for sharing how things have been going for you.

I haven't participated on the thread but I've learned a lot of tips from the discussion.

I'm reading this again thinking this is surreal. What a bizarre experience this is. I never even expected to see the inside of a court room, let alone fight my ex-wife, against her ridiculous charges in the High Court.

Your situation is definitely surreal. I don't often hear about family court, so I do think it's a bit bizarre too. In the rare cases court appears in my schedule, it gives me some anxiety.    So I join the others with the hang in there and I think the way you've been getting on is admirable. 

I hope things resolve peacefully for you. 

[Moselle]

Email 7pm tonight before pick up's tomorrow from my ex

Please can you notify your client that due to a family emergency we have needed to take the girls out of CITY for the weekend. We sincerely apologize for the late change of weekend visitation and ask that Moselle resume contact with the girls on 13 April after the school holidays. He may have visitation for two weekends in a row (13th and 20th April) due to him missing this weekend. Please realise that this is out of our control and we apologize for this exception. Please encourage your client to send data to the girls so that he can Skype contact them during the week. He did promise to do this but never followed through. We do not have data at this time.

Regards,
Moselle ex wife

I phoned new hubby's ex wife. The "emergency" is a rugby tournament for their son, 2 hours away

[GaGrl]

Document, document, document.

[Turkish]

It might be reasonable to request a trade if she didn't lie. 

[gotbushels]

It might be reasonable to request a trade if she didn't lie.  

Yes I too think a trade seems possible.   Perhaps not now but when it's more opportune for you--even if she did lie I think you still have a basis for a trade to get time that you want. E.g, if something is important to you and you want the kids for it.

Interested in others' thoughts.

[Moselle]

It might be reasonable to request a trade if she didn't lie. 

Oh she lied. There is no emergency. They went on a trip. I phoned the brother of the husband who i know well. The kids don't speak to me.

Context is this is a pattern. And according to parenting plan, it's my Easter not hers

[ForeverDad]

Oh, you're losing a holiday?  That's serious.  Courts put holidays above regular schedules and even above vacation time.

What you do about it, I don't know.  Assuming you're in USA, you could file Contempt of Court, but only after a failed holiday.  And you can't agree to replacement time or else it greatly weakens basis for Contempt of Court.  Since they didn't identify the emergency, then you have no way to know it is an emergency or not.  I don't know whether you ought to reveal to them that you are aware of the likely 'emergency'.  Ask your lawyer first on which are the "less bad" options for you.

Oh she lied. There is no emergency... .according to parenting plan, it's my Easter not hers.

Easter is April 1 this year, over a week away.  Which weekend do they want you to miss?  Does the current order contain or reference which holidays each parent gets?  (Yes according to your post.)  Be aware that the time period for the holiday may not include the entire weekend.  Does this mean they will make you miss a weekend in addition to the holiday?

Ask your lawyer about the Contempt of Court option.  It may be an opportunity to include documentation that this is a pattern.

Understand that the typical consequences for Contemp is jail, a fine or both.  Courts avoid consequences like the plague.  Does a judge want to send a mother to jail?  No, that's an empty threat except for the most extreme cases.  Levy a real fine?  Possibly but probably not.  Unless you've already won a series of Contempt cases, the most you may get is a judge looking for a way to excuse her and limit the decision to a mild finger wagging.  To make you be less of a potential "winner" and her a "loser" you may decide to file a Contempt motion, after the holiday is failed of course, and ask that any fines be paid toward an account that you have for the children's college or education fund.  That way the court can reason the kids are the winners and proceed with a decision with financial teeth.  And include a request that the court grant you her Easter holiday time next year as makeup time.

[gotbushels]

Oh, you're losing a holiday?  That's serious.  Courts put holidays above regular schedules and even above vacation time.

I ROFL'd at this. Thanks guys. I was thinking of those times when we want enforcement to do something but because of X reason, they can't get justice for us.

[Turkish]

I told my ex that vacations superseded holidays. She's taking my easter. Have to dig out my order, though it's too late since I agreed.

[Moselle]

If the children aren't in counseling and with a very experienced and perceptive counselor, then getting them into quality counseling is a high priority item.  A good counselor that is unlikely to be conned or fooled by unsubstantiated or contradictory claims is worth his or her weight in gold.  Just as this 'Curator Ad Litem' who didn't do a thorough enough job to get past the posturing and claims and determine the reality can virtually sink your case.  Remember, the counselor must be highly experienced and respected by the court, not just any counselor can be trusted to get to the truth.

ForeverDad, in the parenting plan I proposed a social worker do a 6 month check for the first two years after the divorce, which my ex's legal counsel has picked up on. Of course they all think that the social worker is going to take their side and ban Moselle to the sidelines. What they don't know is that I chose her very carefully, interviewed her, checking that she has alot of experience with personality disorders, and most importantly that she has a lot of credibility in the high court.

How should I speak to her?, What should I mention? What should I not say or do?

My thoughts:

- Be solution oriented
- Don't talk about BPD or NPD
- Show what I'm doing with the girls and what I'm working on.
- Be clear on the value I bring to their lives

[livednlearned]

When does that 6-month check occur? Do you reach out to her? How does this fit with the other stuff happening (like the recent allegations)?

How should I speak to her?, What should I mention? What should I not say or do?

My thoughts:

- Be solution oriented
- Don't talk about BPD or NPD
- Show what I'm doing with the girls and what I'm working on.
- Be clear on the value I bring to their lives

Jujitsu parenting by Childress, especially the top part, has some good guidelines for how to approach these kinds of things.

Since the evaluator is aware of PDs, she might even drop hints and make it easy for you  

With the third-party professional involved in my case, I set aside adult-on-adult grievances and focused exclusively on then S12. I also asked for advice and used some phrases that were kind of keyword like. I used walking on eggshells, projecting, split black, triangulating, for example. I used them strategically and in moderation.

[Moselle]

When does that 6-month check occur? Do you reach out to her? How does this fit with the other stuff happening (like the recent allegations)?

Jujitsu parenting by Childress, especially the top part, has some good guidelines for how to approach these kinds of things.

Since the evaluator is aware of PDs, she might even drop hints and make it easy for you  

With the third-party professional involved in my case, I set aside adult-on-adult grievances and focused exclusively on then S12. I also asked for advice and used some phrases that were kind of keyword like. I used walking on eggshells, projecting, split black, triangulating, for example. I used them strategically and in moderation.

The six month check is long past, its been a year and 3 months since the divorce. I considered approaching her the other day, so this is serendipitous.

Yes I think the jiu jitsu intro is brilliant actually. I used it in my affidavit today.

Excellent idea - focus on the children and their development. I'm keen on that too. I'm actually looking forward to getting together with someone who understands this (eggshells, projecting, split black, triangulating)

[ForeverDad]

Don't talk about BPD or NPD

I figure you know you can't just ignore the Elephant in the Room.  You also know a layman trying to Play Doctor doesn't impress the professionals.  Therefore yes it is fine to describe the unbalanced traits and poor behaviors you and your children face.  As you say, the professional already knows about the impact of acting-out PDs.  Blocking access without a solid basis to do so just screams "Something needs to be scrutinized and addressed here!"

[SlyQQ]

   
   
Re: I didn't cave in today
« Reply #30 on: February 04, 2015, 07:31:00 PM »
   Reply with quoteQuote
Your partners goals will likely be to destroy you she will probably project that like her you will be easy to provoke an evoke a rash action for which she will be fully prepared to take advantage off

your goal is to love cherish and protect your kids ( not destroy your p ) if you can be seen as the victim here you will gain there sympathy tell them you are trying to work things out with there mum an make every efort to do so despite what is thrown at you ( remember your most important allies are your children if you deliberately hurt thier mum you will hurt them

p.s. i am guessing here but the thrust of what i am saying is clear i hope


here is a post wrote when this all started Moselle the gist is as true as ever.

[Moselle]

I figure you know you can't just ignore the Elephant in the Room.  You also know a layman trying to Play Doctor doesn't impress the professionals.  Therefore yes it is fine to describe the unbalanced traits and poor behaviors you and your children face.  As you say, the professional already knows about the impact of acting-out PDs.  Blocking access without a solid basis to do so just screams "Something needs to be scrutinized and addressed here!"

Fortunately the family advocate picked up the "borderline traits" in the report from her psychiatrist from 3 years ago.
quote author=SlyQQ link=topic=321422.msg12952575#msg12952575 date=1522206401]
   
Your partners goals will likely be to destroy you she will probably project that like her you will be easy to provoke an evoke a rash action for which she will be fully prepared to take advantage off

your goal is to love cherish and protect your kids ( not destroy your p ) if you can be seen as the victim here you will gain there sympathy tell them you are trying to work things out with there mum an make every efort to do so despite what is thrown at you ( remember your most important allies are your children if you deliberately hurt thier mum you will hurt them

p.s. i am guessing here but the thrust of what i am saying is clear

[/quote]

Thanks slyQQ. That's great advice

[Moselle]

A small update:

We are due to have a trial for her contempt of court, next Tuesday 24 April.

In trying to draft her opposing affidavit, her lawyer has approached my lawyer, with cap in hand saying actually they have no defense, my ex is "naive" about the seriousness of the charges, and could we settle out of court?

Of course after spending massive amounts of time and money, to get here I am both angry at the damage to the children, but excited at having a very favourable negotiating position.

I naturally want to secure as much as possible in the 'deal', as well as set her up to get full custody when she goes into contempt again

Some options to negotiate are (please give me your thoughts on these or any other things I might ask for):

1. Agree to $X cost order for lawyer's fees.
2. Agree to an order by consent of ‘Guilty’ to charges of contempt of court. With a suspended sentence, and an agreement to pay $X in to a fund administered by me for the tertiary education of the children,  should she breach the terms and conditions of the order.
3. Agree to rescind accusations against me of sexual impropriety towards her and the children.
4. Agree to compensate for the the 10 months of no contact, taking Easter 2018 and Christmas 2017, with the children, by relinquishing her next Easter, and Christmas. i.e. 2018 Christmas, 2019 Easter, 2019 Christmas, and 2020 Easter, whereafter it reverts back to alternate years.
5. Agree to attend a 10 week parenting course for divorced parents with me at FAMSA or alternative provider.
6. Agree to pay for social worker to do 6 month, evaluations starting immediately to determine the emotional health of the children in her care.
7. Agree not to attempt to leave the country with the children for whatever reasons, until D9 is 18 at which point all the children can make an independent decision to stay or leave the country.
8. Consent to 50/50 care of the children within 3 months.

Its important for me, and for future court appearances that she repair the reputation damage against me (otherwise she will bring up the same lies and accusations again with another judge):

9. Agree to write a confession that she committed domestic, emotional and psychological violence against me during the last 5 years of our 15 year marriage, and in order to conceal this, co-opted her family and various friends, to engage in a verbal and social media smear campaign against me including that I,
-   abused her during our marriage,  
-   behaved improperly towards the children,
-   that I had been diagnosed by a psychologist with a mental disorder and sex addiction, and that this was done to secure help in kidnapping my children from our home
-   And in order to secure financial assistance from others, as a victim of abuse.

10. Apologise to the children or the damage caused. Agree to work with me to ensure that the children recover effectively.

Any thoughts?

Regards,
Moselle

[formflier]

Its important for me, and for future court appearances that she repair the reputation damage against me (otherwise she will bring up the same lies and accusations again with another judge):
 

This, I believe, is your center of gravity... .the most important thing.

I would recommend you take a settlement out of court, because you have the most flexibility there.  Note:  Only if you get "your bare minimums" or better.

The thing is, you really never know what a judge will do, you do know what is in the settlement.

More in a bit.

FF

[SlyQQ]

Full custody? you may want to ask the children , gently , what they think.

you may ,if careful have the oppertunity to be the bigger person here, to everyones benefit


don't squander it.

[formflier]

 

  very favourable negotiating position.

I naturally want to secure as much as possible in the 'deal', as well as set her up to get full custody when she goes into contempt again

Some options to negotiate are (please give me your thoughts on these or any other things I might ask for):

1. Agree to $X cost order for lawyer's fees.  (are you hurting for money?  I would put this in there as a consequence or any further deviations from court order.  So the amount would be set and if she doesn't perform, she owes.  Think about how you are incentivizing).
 
2. Agree to an order by consent of ‘Guilty’ to charges of contempt of court. With a suspended sentence, and an agreement to pay $X in to a fund administered by me for the tertiary education of the children,  should she breach the terms and conditions of the order.  (I think this is number 2 priority.  I don't think I would take a deal without this)

3. Agree to rescind accusations against me of sexual impropriety towards her and the children. (number 1... .have the children backed this up or is it just the Mom.  What you don't want is for her to back down and others to start making accusations)


4. Agree to compensate for the the 10 months of no contact, taking Easter 2018 and Christmas 2017, with the children, by relinquishing her next Easter, and Christmas. i.e. 2018 Christmas, 2019 Easter, 2019 Christmas, and 2020 Easter, whereafter it reverts back to alternate years.  (number 3 priority.)


5. Agree to attend a 10 week parenting course for divorced parents with me at FAMSA or alternative provider.

6. Agree to pay for social worker to do 6 month, evaluations starting immediately to determine the emotional health of the children in her care. (again... .if you are not hurting for money, perhaps you split the bill.  I'm more interested in this being done, rather than who pays for it.)

7. Agree not to attempt to leave the country with the children for whatever reasons, until Sophie is 18 at which point all the children can make an independent decision to stay or leave the country. (I would change this to you have veto power over leaving country)


8. Consent to 50/50 care of the children within 3 months.  (I would need more information here... .what is current split in the decree... why wait three months)

Its important for me, and for future court appearances that she repair the reputation damage against me (otherwise she will bring up the same lies and accusations again with another judge): (this is tied to the sex allegations... .clearly number 1)

9. Agree to write a confession that she committed domestic, emotional and psychological violence against me during the last 5 years of our 15 year marriage, and in order to conceal this, co-opted her family and various friends, to engage in a verbal and social media smear campaign against me including that I,
-   abused her during our marriage,  
-   behaved improperly towards the children,
-   that I had been diagnosed by a psychologist with a mental disorder and sex addiction, and that this was done to secure help in kidnapping my children from our home
-   And in order to secure financial assistance from others, as a victim of abuse.

(If you can get the confessions... that is great.  I can't imagine a lawyer would let her do this.)

10. Apologise to the children or the damage caused. Agree to work with me to ensure that the children recover effectively.  (I get the thought, but it has to be written and enforceable.  Much better to have her "comply" with Psychologists directives... etc etc)

[Panda39]

To me the focus needs to be on your relationship with your kids and getting that back on track.

You have posted a lot here about righting the wrongs of your ex's false allegations, getting her to pay your court fees, getting a confession out of her. (trying to punish her or to get justice from injustice) I completely understand your frustration, anger and the injustice of all of this stuff, but you are divorced... .she's gonna say and do what she is gonna say and do. The relationship between you is over.

As I see it the relationship you need to repair is the one with your kids.  Use this leverage to get your time with your kids (and make up time), maybe request therapy for you and them. Keep your focus where it should be on seeing your kids.

Panda39

 

[livednlearned]

Wow! What a turn of events.

In trying to draft her opposing affidavit, her lawyer has approached my lawyer, with cap in hand saying actually they have no defense, my ex is "naive" about the seriousness of the charges, and could we settle out of court?

Her L is aware there is no defense, but your ex is not. There's a whole world of potential high conflict behaviors in that comment. She is dysregulated. You will have to do the thinking for both parties.

Has your L had a chance to explain (to you) what options your ex has, and what consequences are in play?

Knowing that might help you decide whether it is better to go before a judge.

Not because court is better than settling, only that your ex seems wily and desperate right now. In that state of mind, what might she do? She probably feels cornered. I would be thinking about that at the same time you are thinking about these negotiations.

If she strings things along to the final hour, do you lose the 4/24 trial date, and if so, what happens next? How long before it could be scheduled again?

If your ex does not appear for court, what happens next?

What happens if you take her to court and she is found in contempt of court by a judge?

I naturally want to secure as much as possible in the 'deal'

Again, don't forget about what she may be experiencing right now. *Naive* seems to be a euphemism for something else. She may be projecting her own unresolved sexual abuse trauma onto the girls, and with feelings = facts, it could be very real to her. She may think her L and the judge just don't get it. Her thought process may be more like, No one is going to protect my babies, so I will.  

as well as set her up to get full custody when she goes into contempt again

Can you simply say that another contempt of court barring the kids from seeing you, or filing frivolous motions will create favorable conditions for her losing custody? Or stronger wording.  

1. Agree to $X cost order for lawyer's fees.

Seems reasonable to ask. Be prepared to not see this money. Or to be required to file a contempt of court to get it, spending money to get money.

2. Agree to an order by consent of ‘Guilty’ to charges of contempt of court. With a suspended sentence, and an agreement to pay $X in to a fund administered by me for the tertiary education of the children,  should she breach the terms and conditions of the order.

Does family law court do "guilty" where you live? I don't believe that's a thing where I live, but maybe it's different there.

3. Agree to rescind accusations against me of sexual impropriety towards her and the children.

What does that mean in practice? Where I live, if the case is dropped, that would mean there is no case. Are you asking for an apology letter?

4. Agree to compensate for the the 10 months of no contact

Knowing what the last 10 months have been like, is she likely to agree and then not follow through? What consequences would there be for non-compliance?

5. Agree to attend a 10 week parenting course for divorced parents with me at FAMSA or alternative provider.

Do you really want to do that together?

6. Agree to pay for social worker to do 6 month, evaluations starting immediately to determine the emotional health of the children in her care.

I can see where you're coming from with this. Whenever I wrote something up, I always made sure I could enforce it, or that it had consequences for non-compliance. If you are more concerned about knowing the emotional health of the kids than you are about the money, this might change how you go about doing this.

7. Agree not to attempt to leave the country with the children for whatever reasons, until Sophie is 18 at which point all the children can make an independent decision to stay or leave the country.

Again, probably better to have a consequence for non-compliance because agreements aren't worth much at this point. Then see if you can set up an alert system for the kids' passports, if that exists where you live. Put their names in the data base and flag them so that there are arrows pointing to the court order. Then have a consequence that you will get full custody if she is found in contempt, or whatever seems reasonable to you.

8. Consent to 50/50 care of the children within 3 months.

Same point as above. She hasn't been in compliance prior to this, she will probably fall into old patterns. Also, you will want to add the additional time you mentioned above, so it will be 50/50 plus whatever extra holidays you get.

Its important for me, and for future court appearances that she repair the reputation damage against me (otherwise she will bring up the same lies and accusations again with another judge):

9. Agree to write a confession that she committed domestic, emotional and psychological violence against me during the last 5 years of our 15 year marriage, and in order to conceal this, co-opted her family and various friends, to engage in a verbal and social media smear campaign against me including that I,
-   abused her during our marriage,  
-   behaved improperly towards the children,
-   that I had been diagnosed by a psychologist with a mental disorder and sex addiction, and that this was done to secure help in kidnapping my children from our home
-   And in order to secure financial assistance from others, as a victim of abuse.

You would probably have to write it and then there would be back and forth between Ls, tweaking language, so that she signs it.

She may tell the kids she was forced to do it (you're a bully) so that they didn't take the kids away from her.

10. Apologise to the children or the damage caused. Agree to work with me to ensure that the children recover effectively.

It seems like you still have some faith that she can be rehabilitated and made to listen to reason.

Maybe she is not as disordered as my ex, but the point that you are now at is about when I began to structure everything so that even when my ex did not comply, I still came out ahead.

It takes a little extra work to get things tightened up, but it's worth it.

You and the courts are now working together to find solutions, to keep the two of you out of court. That means structuring the orders so that even if she is in non-compliance on most things, you have a map for how to handle it. If she does a, you do b. If she does not do c, you do d.

Be really, really specific in the language, and make it watertight if you can.

[formflier]

Not because court is better than settling, only that your ex seems wily and desperate right now. In that state of mind, what might she do? She probably feels cornered. I would be thinking about that at the same time you are thinking about these negotiations.

I

Use this to your advantage.  Your original "offer" to settle should like scare her to death... .increase pressure... .increase cornered... .

What you will actually "settle" for should be great for you... .and provide her some relief.

I would make sure you completely understand from your L the likely outcome of actually going to trial.

Big picture:  Use your knowledge of the psychological situation to your advantage, which, I believe, is more instead of less pressure.  Until you are really ready to settle.

FF

[livednlearned]

Use this to your advantage.  Your original "offer" to settle should like scare her to death... .increase pressure... .increase cornered... .

FF, I'm surprised to hear you say that.

She's mentally ill. She makes terrible decisions for her kids and for herself when she feels threatened or desperate. These decisions have serious consequences for Moselle, and for his kids.

During my 4 years in court, there were two cases when desperate defendants shot the other parent. They felt they were losing their kids and losing their footing in family law court.

Some desperate parents leave the country with the kids.

The judge in my case always treated my ex with respect, even when my ex accused the judge of lying. The judge also had an extra bailiff in our court whenever we had a hearing.

His respect helped de-escalate and his protective instincts were pro-active.

My comment about her feeling cornered is not to escalate, it's to de-escalate.

Moselle can focus on solutions by structuring the order in a way that works effectively whether she complies or not.

[GaGrl]

What is her behavior in court?  How does she respond to the pressure of a courtroom and judge?

[Speck]

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