Sister in law with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husbands sister in law is living with us, and has been for 6 months as an emergency intervention. We found her homeless, pregnant, living with druggies, pregnant... .Rock bottom for most.

We took her in, clearly voicing its temporary and with rules.
Rules: no drugs, no druggie friends, no emotional or rage outbursts, keep doctor appts, keep counselor appts, do your own dishes and laundry.

The first three were clearly labeled hard rules. Immediate turn out if those were not respected.

She has respected all rules, except therapy - she simply doesn't talk. Sits there blankly and does not respond to questions or guidance.

She's working (she's a nurse), she's clean, she is getting appts. She's 6 months pregnant. She will not discuss adopting out. She is excited for the baby and having someone to love her.

Problem... .Its time to move out and she shuts down when discussed. You can see the blankness veil just come over her eyes. She's on waiting lists for apartments. She has state pregnancy medicaid.

We do not give her money. Just a place to sleep. She just won't move on.

My husband and I are feeling like prisoners in our own house.
I'm reading every piece of educated literature I can get my hands on.

We sat her down and gave her 2 months notice to move out.

Any feedback, advice, clues etc would be much appreciated, (even negative feedback is welcome... .What am I doing wrong, what an I do better?)

Please note, this is my sister in law. She has burned bridges with her living non BPD father, her other brother, and we are financially burdened and worried about our preteen being exposed to her mental heath & habits. The other sister has a toddler and non supportive spouse. The mother was also a BPD and has passed away.


 

[SI4444]

My husbands sister in law is living with us, and has been for 6 months as an emergency intervention. We found her homeless, pregnant, living with druggies, pregnant... .Rock bottom for most.

We took her in, clearly voicing its temporary and with rules.
Rules: no drugs, no druggie friends, no emotional or rage outbursts, keep doctor appts, keep counselor appts, do your own dishes and laundry.

The first three were clearly labeled hard rules. Immediate turn out if those were not respected.

She has respected all rules, except therapy - she simply doesn't talk. Sits there blankly and does not respond to questions or guidance.

She's working (she's a nurse), she's clean, she is getting appts. She's 6 months pregnant. She will not discuss adopting out. She is excited for the baby and having someone to love her.

Problem... .Its time to move out and she shuts down when discussed. You can see the blankness veil just come over her eyes. She's on waiting lists for apartments. She has state pregnancy medicaid.

We do not give her money. Just a place to sleep. She just won't move on.

My husband and I are feeling like prisoners in our own house.
I'm reading every piece of educated literature I can get my hands on.

We sat her down and gave her 2 months notice to move out.

Any feedback, advice, clues etc would be much appreciated, (even negative feedback is welcome... .What am I doing wrong, what an I do better?)

Please note, this is my sister in law. She has burned bridges with her living non BPD father, her other brother, and we are financially burdened and worried about our preteen being exposed to her mental heath & habits. The other sister has a toddler and non supportive spouse. The mother was also a BPD and has passed away.


 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome SI4444, 

What a stressful situation you find yourselves in! It sounds as if you are doing a pretty good job of setting and holding to boundaries.  I wondered if there are any emergency shelters for women where your sil could stay? Sometimes there are safe houses for women to go to, or homes for pregnant moms to live in for a while. Are there any places like that near you?

Hopefully some of the other members will have some suggestions and thoughts as well. Hang in there. I would think that the glazing over and not being able to hear you is her way of disassociating because she has no idea of what to do. Do you think that is a possibility?

 
Wools

[SI4444]

Thank you @woolspinner2000

We live in a rather rural area, largest city with any similar programs to what you described is about an hour away.

Disassociation - absolutly. 100%

She has some friends that's she's not alienated yet.

I actually started seeing her counselor, which has helped more in being able to communicate with her.

[HappyChappy]

Its a really tricky situation you are in. Someone with BPD fears abandonment above all else, hence why she will understandably be stonewalling the issue. So the ideal would be to replace your setting with one as reassuring. But that may need to be more than just accommodation, its sounds like she needs moral support from someone she knows and trusts.  So are there any groups she could join. You mentioned she has friends, could that bridge things ?

On the point of Therapy, its the norm for someone with BPD to resist this. They can not accept they are less than perfect , so any negative label is dismissed. Mental illness is currently a negative label. If she’s a nurse, often they have house shares advertised at work. Sounds like you may need to plan ahead on this. Best of luck.

[SI4444]

Thank you for sharing your input.
We've done support and encouragement, and 4 months later no changes.
I used the SET communication guide and she responds to that some.
We've set a date for her to move out. And giving reminders -with love and encouragement. And I guess we'll see what happens.
The date gives her 2 months of earning approx 3K per month to line her finances out. She wants to stay working and not go to govt housing, so that gives plenty of time to put back what she needs, as she has no expenses here.
Our therapist says they have to receive some consequences for her actions or inactions.