Addiction—How do you cope with breaking away, and resisting that ‘fix’

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have come to realise, that withdrawing from these people is akin to coming off drugs, and there lies my problem.
How do you cope, with breaking away, and resisting that 'fix
It's something I recognise, and it has been my biggest problem, I almost feel, I am the one with BPD, no contact 'seems' easy for her, yet I struggle. I have found, the more honest I am with myself, the more I understand about the condition, it's just finding resources and coping techniques.
Any advice would be helpful.

[Pencil sketch]

I have come to realise, that withdrawing from these people is akin to coming off drugs, and there lies my problem.
How do you cope, with breaking away, and resisting that 'fix
It's something I recognise, and it has been my biggest problem, I almost feel, I am the one with BPD, no contact 'seems' easy for her, yet I struggle. I have found, the more honest I am with myself, the more I understand about the condition, it's just finding resources and coping techniques.
Any advice would be helpful.

[spero]

This is well going to be a non technical response. Pencil, just do what helps you take your mind off the matter for now.
Something which positively distracts you from the situation, if you are ruminating about it everyday.

For me, i choose very consciously to channel my energy in responding to threads here. Though, i suppose not all my responses are helpful.
If you have friends, go spend time with them. Go hangout, go crazy, have a good laugh. Go get some workout. For men, i suppose the physical channeling of energy helps, plus working out does produce endorphins which would probably lift up your mood a little.

Don't isolate yourself. Keep a journal. etc.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but this presents a different paradigm about "addiction",
Ted talk video about - Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong | Johann Hari

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs

** Disclaimer - I don' claim that this is the only way, its just helps you understand addiction in a different way while we on this topic **

The whole idea of community, recovery with society are some of the points being made in this video on how to overcome addiction.

Spero.

[tiki]

I have come to realise, that withdrawing from these people is akin to coming off drugs, and there lies my problem.
How do you cope, with breaking away, and resisting that 'fix
It's something I recognise, and it has been my biggest problem, I almost feel, I am the one with BPD, no contact 'seems' easy for her, yet I struggle. I have found, the more honest I am with myself, the more I understand about the condition, it's just finding resources and coping techniques.
Any advice would be helpful.

I’m not an expert. Just a dope going through this. But when I read others accounts of re engaging I noticed a couple things. Letting them in is never good. Sometimes people think they had this conversation that gave them closure. But that’s never what it is. It’s just a small tear that turns into a bigger one. They get in people’s heads. So you have to always realize that any type of communication is just letting them in your head.

A second thing I’ve been thinking about. How much of our being vulnerability to reconnecting comes from wanting the pain of what we experienced to neutralize. It hurts in the end when we see that we don’t matter to them and that’s the pain that is hard to deal with. If it seems like maybe they do care than we don’t have to deal with processing that horrible reality. That they don’t care and they were never capible of caring. We just have to accept that reality and deal with that pain and never think it can be neutralized. It is probably subconscious on our part that we seek to neutralize the pain.

Also have you read walking on eggshells? It helps to have it on audiobook and listen to it if you are feeling weak. In that book the author talks about how we receive intermittent reinforcement from them and that it can feel like an addiction.

One day I was reduced to having to do freaking art therapy at home. You know when you get your niece’s water colors out it’s bad. But anyway I tried to give life to my feelings.  Because they can’t give life to your feelings. And anyway one of things I made in this altered state of pain and coping is a picture they says please take me away from him.

I mean that’s powerful to me now in my sane state. I was basically pleading with myself for my own life. I’m not recommending you get the water colors out but maybe I am.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pencil, You're right, a BPD r/s is like an addiction in the sense that you know its bad for you but you still want to do it.  You're also correct that you are experiencing symptoms akin to a withdrawal from drugs.  It's all normal and to be expected.  What I find helpful is to acknowledge the feelings as they come up, without any need to act on those feelings, and then let them pass through you like lightning through a lightning rod, if that makes sense.  Acknowledging, rather than suppressing, the feelings is the first step; the next is to process the feelings and let go of them.  How to process?  Talk to a close friend or family member, right in a journal, practice mindfulness, take a walk in the woods, get some exercise, etc.  You get the idea.  Does that sound do-able?

LuckyJim

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks Jim, it sounds do-able. I think, now I have seem her at her worst, in terms of what the condition does, I feel a bit more positive, we can't take anything they say personally, or try to make sense of it, have spent way too much time doing that, and I could make huge changes, if I apply the same time and effort on me.
The urge to contact her is irresistible, but I know, I am the one who will come off worse.
I have to be responsible for my actions, not for what she may or may not do, it's my first day no contact, so I am going to have a beer, and celebrate, I am still here, it's painful, but it will get easier.
One for the mantlepiece hey.

[Lucky Jim]

Great, give yourself credit and have a beer.  I've done plenty of ruminating in my day, but I can't say that it was particularly productive because, as you note, trying to makes "sense" of BPD is usually a fruitless task.  LJ