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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: the worst thing anyone can do and I still don't hate him...  (Read 508 times)
JustNeedToTalk
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« on: February 22, 2018, 01:09:35 AM »

I’ve started therapy and been really reflecting on my relationship with my exBPD BF.  It’s strange how after all the things he did I can’t hate him.  I know he hates me and I genuinely believe I will be painted black forever.  I know everyone on here says that they always come back at some point but mine won’t.  HE HATES ME for outing him, especially exposing his affair.  I know deep down that I actually still love him.  I don’t seem to have the ability to hate, I never have.  My therapist said that hate is an emotion that people use when they can’t handle their feelings, it’s a defence mechanism used for protection.
I’m sorry if this is too crude.

In the last couple weeks I’ve actually discovered something else.  Back in April he disappeared for the day, making excuses he was working, well he wasn’t he was having sex with one of his exes, he arrived home, 3 hours late and drunk.  When I tried to confront him about where he had been he begged me not to have a go at him and said his depression was bad.  We went to bed and started fooling around.  He asked for oral sex, so I did, at the time I said “your d*** tastes of p****”.  He went MENTAL at me for the accusation, made me out to be crazy and paranoid.  Now I have discovered that I was correct.

So this the ex, who I suspect has a PD too, and who he then had sex with in December again (in a hotel room paid for with my credit card and used my car to drive there), which I discovered and ended our relationship immediately.  I can’t get out my head how someone could do that and I can’t hate him, I know what this woman smells and tastes like, and I am painted black forever, I'm the bad person.

This is only an example there are so many other things if anyone reads my thread.

Oh and they are going around saying I made the whole thing up.  That I am crazy.  They’re not together, she is married, and he has left the country.

Why can’t I hate this man?  I hate myself more for outing him, his affair and behaviour and I'm working on that with my therapist.  
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spero
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2018, 02:56:19 AM »

Hello there, JustNeedToTalk,

I will frame this response with the intention of your well being the basis for my responses.

Excerpt
I’ve started therapy and been really reflecting on my relationship with my exBPD BF.  It’s strange how after all the things he did I can’t hate him.  I know he hates me and I genuinely believe I will be painted black forever.  

This JustNeed, is something you and I don't have the answer to. Unfortunately, we will never know how long he paints you blacks. The recycling is symptomatic of BPD, most of them do recycle. Now, i'll as this gently, it isn't him who is here writing this. If i may, i'll ask the hard question. Why can't you hate him? I think you've responded to your own question... .  I know deep down that I actually still love him.. Love in the form of an emotional attachment, isn't logical. Now that being said, hate is a human emotion. But instead of hate, i would at least ask you, do you feel the least angry and hurt of what he has done to you? I think most of us struggle at a heart level when "crisis" happens. Why did they cheat, leave, or do these nasty things when they we so much like our soulmate at the start.

JustNeed, you may still be confused or in "love" with the perfect version of what your ex had presented to you. That happens during the "mirroring" and "love bombing" phases at the start of the relationship. I've been in the same shoes as you too, despite all that my uBPDexGF has done to me, i still seem to want her back! That was my co-dependency, my lack of self dignity, and my own lack of self-respect, in retrospect. I had put all her negative traits into a box and choose to only see the "good side" of her which was gradually diminishing. I stayed an allowed her to abuse me emotionally, don't go there. In fact, JustNeed, i won't say it is for you, but because i stayed, I was part of the dysfunction, i perpetuated bad behaviour, i allowed her bad behaviour to persist and she knew she could get her way. And for whatever noble reason you might want to stay, if it has reached that point, we're part of the problem already. Before things can get any better, we need to stop making it worse. It isn't going to help you as a first priority, and it isn't going to help your ex.

You may say you love, I certainly did love my ex. I missed the version of her when she was loving, she call me sweet names, gave me hugs and kisses - I only missed my fantasized version of her. Unfortunately, our brain has the ability to trick us into just doing that and we will also experience some level of "cognitive dissonance", our heart cannot integrate our what our brain is telling us.

There is an article about why we love our abusers, but this isn't only directed at women though the context of the article is about women being abused.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201308/i-love-him

The hard question I ask you and myself is, why would you want someone who has breached your trust, has no fidelity in relationship, and shares another sexual partner instead of a monogamous relationship only with you? That is, of course if you're okay with him having sex with someone else besides you. I certainly wouldn't tolerate being cheated on. From the little you tell me has deep issues to work on which will take years in treatment. If he isn't seeking treatment now, it will be almost impossible for him to change his ways. This JustNeed, is might be the reality of your situation.

Excerpt
When I tried to confront him about where he had been he begged me not to have a go at him and said his depression was bad.  We went to bed and started fooling around.  He asked for oral sex, so I did, at the time I said “your d*** tastes of p****”.  He went MENTAL at me for the accusation, made me out to be crazy and paranoid.  Now I have discovered that I was correct.

So, well JustNeed, now that you've reaffirmed your discovery. What are you going to do next? JustNeed, i can see that you're kind and caring. Unfortunately, this person would just take advantage of these qualities of yours. You deserve a healthly, balanced, safe and mutual relationship. For the little you have mentioned above, the dude just wants a fling and not a serious relationship. I don't know where you are right now and your objective for wanting a relationship, that might be a good thing to work on with your T.

There are some peripheral questions to reflect on perhaps, and that pertains to our childhood. There is a high co relation between why we allow abuse and our family of origin issues - meaning the environment we grew up in as children. I had lacked a loving environment and so i wanted to be loved at almost any costs, until i woke up from the abuse and said i had enough. That might be another area to think about which may give you better depth and insight as to why you're responding the way you do in this current situation.

Excerpt
Oh and they are going around saying I made the whole thing up.  That I am crazy.  They’re not together, she is married, and he has left the country. Why can’t I hate this man?  I hate myself more for outing him, his affair and behaviour and I'm working on that with my therapist.  

JustNeed, it is quite common for them to pretend and gaslight others into thinking that you're the crazy one. It's good in my opinion that he has left the country. But JustNeed, the damage he has left on you, is what i am more concerned about. You're hurt, feeling confused and lost probably, and you're having a hard time making sense of why you feel this way when you should be taking measures to separate yourself from this person. Take heart, JustNeed. Don't beat yourself up. You're not the cause for the failure of this relationship from what i've read in this post. Don't hate yourself.

The thing about self hate is that, it is a kind of anger directed at yourself. It is telling about how we view ourselves and how we frame our internal dialogue and narrative. I know that most people with BPD suffer low-self esteem, low-self image and that internal narrative drives them to do all sorts of things, which is too much to elaborate in this post. But for you, JustNeed, carry on working with your T. Value yourself more, i didn't value myself as much as i do now ... .and therefore I allowed her to trample all over me. Strengthen your boundaries. One reason why you might be hating yourself is because your boundaries have been violated and you might have felt powerless to protect yourself and you didn't know why you allowed someone to treat you in a way which you didn't like. That kind of frustration turn inward, becomes self-hate perhaps.

You're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Take heart,
Spero.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2018, 10:49:01 AM »

Excerpt
Why can’t I hate this man?  I hate myself more for outing him, his affair and behaviour and I'm working on that with my therapist. 

Hey Justneed, I would suggest that you don't need to hate someone to realize that you no longer want to participate in an unhealthy r/s.  Maybe that's the question: are you hoping for a recycle with this guy?  If so, plenty of us, including me, have done it.  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 12:18:11 PM »

Your feelings are your feelings.  Try not to berate yourself for how you feel, it just complicates everything.  Keeping a journal really helps me also, I can pour my feelings out in a stream of consciousness, and sometimes I just write myself right around to a good decision/feeling/outcome. 

All the best, I'm sorry you have to go through this
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JustNeedToTalk
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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2018, 10:11:33 PM »

Maybe that's the question: are you hoping for a recycle with this guy?  If so, plenty of us, including me, have done it.  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hey LuckyJim.  Thank you for replying.  Yeah I think I do want a recycle even if it's just so I can decline.  For my own sanity I have this longing desire to know that in someway he still thinks of me.  I know the relationship would be unhealthy and from reading on here and my therapy I know it would likely happen again.  But the desire to know that I didn't mean nothing to him is so strong.

I'm trying to fix myself to understand why I let this happen to me.  I need to do this before I even think about dating again.
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JustNeedToTalk
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2018, 10:24:39 PM »

Hey spero, wow just wow and thank you for your response.  Everything you say resonates with me so much.  I know deep down that the underlying issue as to why I tolerated his behaviour and loved him so much despite of it, despite the fact he had nothing, (he robbed from me, cheated, verbally and physically abused me), was because I have this innate fear of being alone and it all stems from my childhood, terribly abusive alcoholic father.

Our entire relationship wasn't as I note above as I am sure you understand.  The love I felt for him was so intense and he mirrored that and all my emotions to make our love strong.  I read here that the mirroring and love bombing actually makes us fall in love with ourselves.  Then over night ripped it away.   He knew I was starting to confide in friends about his behaviour and he hated people knowing, he was one of those guys who cared a lot about what people think of him.  And I believe my confiding in friends pushed him into affairs because he knew he couldn't stay in a relationship where he didn't have the respect of my friends.

He was the one person I confided in about my insecurities and he without a doubt mirrored my father in the last 2 weeks, consciously or subconsciously knowing that would destroy me.

I'm trying to work on myself right now and each day I think I make progress.  I try to anyway.  I don't want to fall into another relationship like this.  I'd rather be alone forever than suffer the pain again.

I feel so used.  I financially and emotionally supported him (thousands) and I am the one painted black.  He's reaching out to all his friends who are starting to forgive him but I haven't had one email, text anything.  Just blocked from all social media and painted black.  Telling people that I shouldn't have outed his affair, I was wrong and I destroyed another family.  Doesn't he ever think of my pain?  What he did to me? I question if he ever loved me or was I just being used all this time.  I guess I will never know as I really do believe I am black forever.  He will never get help, he's too scared to admit his internal suffering.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2018, 12:17:31 AM »

Hi JNTT,

You've had good responses here from Spero and LuckyJim, so I'll just add by saying it is common for a smear campaign after a BPD breakup.  The way that he is projecting onto you is a coping mechanism for him to not have to deal with the guilt of how he treated you.  He is doing his best to move on by blackening your name and making you out to be the bad guy in the r/s.  Most if not all of us heard about the crazy ex before us when we went into these relationships.  It is a pattern of behaviour that will continue for him.  

The only way to handle this without it affecting you is to know that this behaviour is not specifically about you.  Try with all your might to rise above it and continue to be who you are.  Be true to yourself and hold up your head in the knowledge that those who truly know and love you know the truth about you and the r/s.  It is their opinions, and more than that - your own, that count here.  

So does he think of you?  Yes.  Enough to want to dispel every thought of what he did to you and how good a person you are in order that he can cope and avoid the guilt and shame which he cannot tolerate.  This man has an illness.  He does not think or behave like you do.  :)on't hang your self esteem on his opinion of you.

Love and light x
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JustNeedToTalk
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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2018, 12:31:24 AM »

The way that he is projecting onto you is a coping mechanism for him to not have to deal with the guilt of how he treated you.  He is doing his best to move on by blackening your name and making you out to be the bad guy in the r/s.  Most if not all of us heard about the crazy ex before us when we went into these relationships.  It is a pattern of behaviour that will continue for him.  


Thanks HQ, my therapist said the same, his hate for me is his coping mechanism.  I am working on myself.  Funny thing is I NEVER heard of any crazy exes, I think I am the first one.  He always spoke very highly of his exes.  It's like his relationship with me is what has exposed him for what he really is.  All the the rest, except his ex wife were just flings.  So why me?  Guess I'll never know.  
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2018, 04:28:00 AM »

I heard both how wonderful and how awful my ex's past partners were.  It depended on how I was being portrayed at the time.  If I was split black they were always better to him than I was; split white I was the best thing he'd ever seen and his previous partners were all abusive.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and no two sufferers are the same, so whilst some behaviours can be common, they do not necessarily present the same way.  There will be questions we may never get answers to and behaviours we will never fully comprehend, however the actions, not the words, are what we need to pay mind to.  It would be hard for our self esteem not to take a beating when we look back at what we've experienced.  You're doing great by working with your T - that's a smart way to help yourself through this difficult time.  Can you give yourself permission to focus on your healing and let go of the need to be valued by him?

Love and light x

 
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JustNeedToTalk
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« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2018, 12:02:40 AM »

I heard both how wonderful and how awful my ex's past partners were.  It depended on how I was being portrayed at the time.  If I was split black they were always better to him than I was; split white I was the best thing he'd ever seen and his previous partners were all abusive.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and no two sufferers are the same, so whilst some behaviours can be common, they do not necessarily present the same way.  There will be questions we may never get answers to and behaviours we will never fully comprehend, however the actions, not the words, are what we need to pay mind to.  It would be hard for our self esteem not to take a beating when we look back at what we've experienced.  You're doing great by working with your T - that's a smart way to help yourself through this difficult time.  Can you give yourself permission to focus on your healing and let go of the need to be valued by him?

Love and light x

 

This is my first split black and hopefully my last.  I pray for a recycle just so I know he feels something for me, but after the things he's said and done and the support from my friends I know I can never go back.  And I don't think he feels anything for me which kills me inside.   I would lose my friends if I had any association with him.  I am trying to focus on my healing, my panic attacks have worsened and are more frequent.  Sometimes I feel still so strongly in love with him, but until all this happened I had no idea what he was, he obviously did, telling me he was broken, a chameleon, suffered depression, had frequent thoughts and attempts (or so he says) of suicide.

One day he loved me, the next he was gone.  He participated in a large group awareness training course and changed over night.  Hyper sexual... .absolutely no empathy.  Lying, cheating, stealing, abusive.  He told me when it ended that he accepts what he did to me but he will never accept that he was abusive.

His last text to me was C**T that was 2 months ago and I have never heard from him since.
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