Looking for help and answers in this confusing situation

[yellowpigphoto]

Hi, I believe my daughter has BPD. She fits the characteristics perfectly although her diagnosis since she was 13 is OCD, severe depression and PTSD. Her behavior is confusing, up and down, she can be the most wonderful person in the world and then behave like she is possessed and even physically assaults me sometimes. She began self medicating after being raped and life has been pure and simple hell since. She saw a counselor a couple times but constantly missed her scheduled appointments, then the counselor moved away. Doctors that have seen her often fire her for missed appointments. They got her addicted to benzodiazepines then after 6 years removed this addictive drug way to quickly and she began REALLY self medicating, hanging with the wrong people, as she had chased all the good ones away that could not make sense of her behavior, and began using meth. She hooked up with the wrong guy when no one else was there for her after my brothers murder, which rocked her world, and got pregnant. She now has a 1 year old, is pregnant again but isn't sure who the father is and is destroying all her relationships. If she wasn't mine, I would be gone. I have considered leaving anyway, but can't leave the baby who I mainly am the caretaker for at this point and who believes I am her mom. My daughter is afraid of inpatient, and I know that none of us (my parents, the baby and I) can survive this erratic behavior much longer. She has been taken in for 5150 evals twice in the last year and they always release her because they either don't know how to do their job or don't want to, and she can't get inpatient with her insurance unless she is placed by a county behavioral health person. No one is qualified to treat her in our remote area, and she is emotionally unable to leave. Please advise

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Yellowpigphoto, HI Welcome to a safe supportive space for parents. How did you find out what the charateristics of BPD are? Just curious, sounds like you have done some homework. I'm very sad to hear that you have been physically hurt. parents take a lot, but physically abuse is not ok. I have a BPDD who is 35 and I'm raising my grandson like you are caring for your granddaughter. Your post unfortunately carries all the chaos we find when dealing with BPD children. Sometimes it can become so overwhelming for us that we feel just like what you said "I have considered leaving". Take heart, you have stepped out and asked for help, you have come to the right forum. I too live in a place that has limited resources. Besides everything going on in daily life the limited resources and really add to the stress. For us it's a 2 hour drive to see the doctor who treats my daughter.
    Is she still self medicating? Start at the beginging with yourself. Breath, make sure you are safe, and anyone else in the house. Please come back to this board, read other posts. You will quickly see you are not alone in this. I hope to hear more from you.

[Merlot]

Hi Yellowpigphoto

So glad that you came here to share your story.  Sadly it's what brings us all here. 

It's so true, there are so many wonderful things about our BPD children that we love and cherish, and unfortunately the chaos of BPD over time can be utterly exhausting.  I think anyone who has been through what you are going through would understand why you would want to leave, and it's perfectly ok to feel like that. 

As a parent to a BPDD27 with very erratic behaviour, I am new here too.  I am learning to look after myself so that I can rebalance, feel stronger, and consider how I move forward.

I can hear how fed up you are and I wonder if you have an outlet; perhaps someone to talk to or doing little things for you?  The bpdfamily is also a great place to talk to other members and learn from each other. 

I commend you on looking after your grandchild, it is great that she has you.  Keep coming to share your journey, we care about you. Merlot

[Huat]

A big ((HUG) to you, Yellowpigphoto, as I join Bluek9 and Merlot in a welcome.

I am so, so sorry to read of all that has brought you to this Family... .but I am glad that you found us.  Needless to say, there is no magic-button that can be pushed to change yours or any of our situations.  It is a matter of forcing one foot in front of the other and, in doing so, feel the support of the rest of us who have also found the need to be here... .this place of caring and of learning.

I sincerely hope you continue to use this venue to tell your story.  It is important for everyone to know they are being heard... .and you are being heard!  I will guarantee that not one person shook their head in disbelief when they read your comment... ."I have considered leaving... ."   What a relief it can be to expel the words that bounce around in our troubled brains... .words that may not be "politically correct" to voice for fear of our being judged.   No one to judge you here!  We do know what it is like to feel and react to life's barbs.

Glad you are here, Yellowpigphoto!  Wishing and praying for better-tomorrows for you.

Huat

[yellowpigphoto]

Thank you all for your supportive words and prayers. I really am struggling here and am so glad to have found this group. To answer Bluek9's question about current use, I'm not sure but I did insist on a drug test yesterday and nothing showed up. Recently in the hospital she was positive for meth and alcohol, legally drunk actually, and with the unborn child inside of her I just wanted to throw up. God has been so merciful to give her one healthy child but I fear His mercy may not be so this time. The part of me that knows it's not entirely her fault begs for further mercy, and that part of me that knows that there must be some accountability here does not know what is reasonable to expect of a person with BPD. My therapist tells me to just kick her out and make her homeless to reach her "bottom low" but I feel that my daughter is not capable of taking care of herself and would choose prostitution or just die. I don't know if I'm being an enabler here or a realist. I truly believe with no money, no food, no housing and no skills as she has never been able to control her anxiety enough to work, would make another bad decision. It seems she makes every single bad decision, like moths to flames. She's so different than she was as a child and yet she seems so childlike, as if she never really emotionally went past the age of 13 when her trauma really began and exacerbated her symptoms and her life started a downhill slide emotionally and physically. She's been bulimic, anorexic, has experienced paralysis from fear where her hands and legs and even mouth were unable to move, and this is BEFORE she began self medicating. In some ways, it's like she's autistic and is truly limited in her understanding and coping skills. I get so frustrated because she is 23 and I expect her to act 23 but when I calm down I realize, I'm really dealing with a much younger person emotionally who seems to have some learning disabilities as well and definitely her ability to make logical, rational decisions is impaired. I can't get her to go to a doctor. Her trust is too damaged at this point, and doctors do not understand her condition. I explained and asked them to tell her her appointments were 30 minutes before when they actually were so she would be on time and they would not be aggravated and refuse to see her causing her more sadness, depression and self hate for not being able to do basic things like be on time, but they refused. She has burned all her bridges, and is addicted to benzodiazepines due to their decisions, and then removal and she's suffering from withdrawals from the benzos plus all her BPD symptoms. It is so sad to watch and I don't see a way out for her without further trauma. Behavioral Health has said next time she behaves crazy enough to have the sheriff's come out, if they take her to the hospital for a 5110 eval, they will place her in a dual diagnosis facility to help get her stable and properly cared for, but that is so traumatic on my daughter and our family, and I wonder why a person so sensitized to trauma must endure more to get help, and will that help? Or will that just add to the trauma? Has anyone here had their child 5150'd and placed? If so, did it make things better or worse? Is there a place or person in America that anyone could/would recommend? If I can get her there I will take her. I just want her well and the chaos in our life to have an eventual end. I realize it's not gonna happen overnight, but I could really use some hope that it can and will get better.

[Huat]

Glad you are still with us, Yellowpigphoto!  I am hoping this will be a life-line for you.

Your therapist is suggesting something to you that you are not comfortable in carrying through.  It is okay to listen to what others have to say but it is also important to listen to your own heart.

Bottom line, Yellowpigphoto, you are going to be trying your best.   Nothing more can be asked of a person... .especially a loving Mom.

So, I have nothing to offer you except my ears (eyes) and the support of one Mom/Grandmother to another.  I will leave it up to others to tell you of their experiences in instances similar to yours.

I wishing for you a rainbow but until that comes... .here is another ((HUG).

Huat

[Merlot]

Hi yellowpigphoto

I hope you are dong well today  .  I agree with Huat that it's important to go with your intuition about what is right for you and your daughter.  Glad you are able to talk to the therapist, I found it particularly helpful to have someone neutral to talk to, outside of close family and friends.  Do you have other support?

From your post, I totally understand that it is very confronting and sad to realise our children have BPD and are at times at such a loss to help themselves.  I've also been learning here that we don't have to take responsibility for all of our BPD children's choices and decisions, and that in some ways stepping back from the crises and taking some time to care for ourselves can make us more balanced and in a better position to consider how and what we are prepared to help with.  I do acknowledge though how difficult this can be especially when there are entrenched patterns of behaviour and also grandchildren involved.  It can be small steps though... .It is so great the baby has you.

I would love to keep hearing how you are travelling.  Hugs to you Merlot