Some common double standards employed by BPD people and my replies to them

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

BPD person:  I take exception to the use of the term “Borderline” to describe us because the diagnosis is not our identity — outrageous and insulting.

If a person who has diabetes can be called diabetic then I see no reason why a person having BPD cannot be called Borderline.


BPD person: There's so much of stigma around this disorder. This is sad

There are other mental illnesses which are much more severe than BPD. For example:  Kanner Syndrome. There isn't such heavy stigma and bad rep about it like for BPD. Why? Because majority of BPD people regularly treat their caregivers like horrible ___, destroying lives, families and mental sanity and verbally and physically abusing them and still refuse to accept any responsibility. Many BPD themselves are responsible for such stigma and bad rep about this disorder


BPD person: Please understand that when I act out, its nothing against you. Its my inner pain.

Please understand that when I think so poor of BPD people, its nothing against you. My life has been destroyed by a BPD person in a way no one has ever done before.


BPD person: When we are acting horribly, please don't leave us! We need love

When we already love you, please don't hurt us with such behaviors. We need to be loved back too


BPD person: If you think you can't handle me at my worst, then don't be in a relationship with me

If you think you can't maintain basic emotional stability and respect boundaries in the relationship, then do not enter into one.

More to come. Feel free to contribute

[smart_storm26]

BPD person:  I take exception to the use of the term “Borderline” to describe us because the diagnosis is not our identity — outrageous and insulting.

If a person who has diabetes can be called diabetic then I see no reason why a person having BPD cannot be called Borderline.


BPD person: There's so much of stigma around this disorder. This is sad

There are other mental illnesses which are much more severe than BPD. For example:  Kanner Syndrome. There isn't such heavy stigma and bad rep about it like for BPD. Why? Because majority of BPD people regularly treat their caregivers like horrible ___, destroying lives, families and mental sanity and verbally and physically abusing them and still refuse to accept any responsibility. Many BPD themselves are responsible for such stigma and bad rep about this disorder


BPD person: Please understand that when I act out, its nothing against you. Its my inner pain.

Please understand that when I think so poor of BPD people, its nothing against you. My life has been destroyed by a BPD person in a way no one has ever done before.


BPD person: When we are acting horribly, please don't leave us! We need love

When we already love you, please don't hurt us with such behaviors. We need to be loved back too


BPD person: If you think you can't handle me at my worst, then don't be in a relationship with me

If you think you can't maintain basic emotional stability and respect boundaries in the relationship, then do not enter into one.

More to come. Feel free to contribute

[spero]

Hi SmartStorm,

I've read your post and so i would like to comment on the heading.
It might be difficult for us to employ the definition of "double standards" to an individual who experience symptoms of BPD.

I want to make a disclaimer saying that i'm in no way defending their (BPD) position to hurt others or their behaviors. People with BPD see the world rather differently from you and i, SmartStorm. Double standards, would be more relevant for people on an equal level with respect to a playing field. Therefore, it is very difficult to get some of the points mentioned above understood in a way that you and i would. Its like a chicken talking to a duck. They won't get it. Neither can we deal with them they way we deal with relationships not involving peolpe with BPD.

Secondly, it is going to take a dialogue. I don't think it would be balanced to make the statements above based on our perception of the matter. BPD itself is a spectrum and it would be more legitimate to have someone who is experiencing the effects of the illness and someone who has recovered from the illness to confirm the above mentioned statements

The construct of the argument / response is unfortunately present without the input and confirmation of the BPD experiencing the illness, hence it would make this discussion very one sided, and may also become the justification for others to bash BPD as an illness, which i assure you is bad enough for the individual. I really dont see how the problem-response arguments above bring any benefit for learning.

Such dialogues cannot be addressed with logical and reason,

BPD person: If you think you can't handle me at my worst, then don't be in a relationship with me.
If you think you can't maintain basic emotional stability and respect boundaries in the relationship, then do not enter into one.

The above problem argument response, if i may is not the approach i would take. I'm not a person with BPD, and i need someone else to verify this. But, the above response itself invalidates how the opponent feels (BPD) it will unfortunately make things worse instead of better. I've been through countless such arguments with my uBPDexGF, i can tell you it doesnt work. She shutdown and distanced herself further. It does not help them get help they need or the support to take steps toward healthy recovery.

I believe most people who experience and struggle with BPD lived in very invalidating environments when they were young. Invalidation of their current experience when they attempt to relate that to you, may infact trigger the trauma of what they had experienced in childhood and, they may even split you black if you persist with response types. Therefore, i must say responding in this manner would be counter productive, especially if you seek to want to heal the relationship and improve it. I suggest validating their experience and reality. If you want to know more about emotional validation, i quote the below from psych central.

"Validation is a way of acknowledging some small piece of what the person says as understandable, sensible, “valid.” An important piece of validation that people miss is that we don’t validate the invalid. For example, if your loved one is 5’7,” weighs 80 pounds and says “I’m fat,” you wouldn’t validate that by saying, “Yes, you are fat.” That would be validating the invalid.

You can validate some part of what she is saying by saying “I know you feel fat (or bloated, or full)”, whatever is appropriate to the context of what she is saying. Try to find some small kernel of validity. Remember that tone and manner can be invalidating when words are validating. “I know you FEEL fat” can be invalidating because it communicates that the feeling is wrong."

Here is a link to an article on Psych Central below. I also suggest getting a copy of "When Hope Is Not Enough" - that is a good place to learn about validation

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-borderline-personality-disorder-part-2/

Maybe i've gone off a tangent here, SmartStorm.
I don't know about your experience, but it seems like i sense pain from being treated unfairly, and therefore the motivation of this topic?

Takecare SmartStorm and i hope that whatever your situation is for you, it would get better.

Spero

[smart_storm26]

Hi Spero,

I do not care about validating their feelings anymore. How many times will a BPD validate your feelings?

I don't want to sit with a tool book in my hand and be in a relationship such that I am carefully diffusing a bomb with the tools I have learnt. One wrong wire, the bomb explodes.

So next time I am gonna pick a flower, not a bomb. And yes I have been hurt.

[In a bad way]

        BPD person: When we are acting horribly, please don't leave us! We need love

When we already love you, please don't hurt us with such behaviors. We need to be loved back too           

I can totally relate to that one, they might as well say I'm going to treat you like crap but when I do don't leave me, as if they have a right to do what they want.

    BPD person: If you think you can't handle me at my worst, then don't be in a relationship with me

If you think you can't maintain basic emotional stability and respect boundaries in the relationship, then do not enter into one.       

This one is very similar to something she said to me, one of the last texts I got from her she said that everybody has mood swings and if I can't handle hers then I shouldn't be in a relationship with her.
My response was that yes everybody has mood swings but there is a difference between mood swings and an instant personality change, going from lovely to nasty in a split second without reason.
She was trying to blame me for not being able to handle her mood swings, rather than acknowledge that what she was doing was wrong.
A great evening that then turned into her telling me to eff off out of her house when 2 seconds ago she was laughing is not a mood swing.
I use the word they but I am referring to my ex and not every single BPD.

[In a bad way]

I do not care about validating their feelings anymore. How many times will a BPD validate your feelings?

I don't want to sit with a tool book in my hand and be in a relationship such that I am carefully diffusing a bomb with the tools I have learnt. One wrong wire, the bomb explodes.

So next time I am gonna pick a flower, not a bomb. And yes I have been hurt.

That's very good.
Whenever I mentioned how she was hurting my feelings she would deny it and say I was talking rubbish, if I asked her if my feelings counted she would say of course they do but she didn't say it with love and affection, she said it with a tone of voice that made it sound like I was being a D**k.

[Skip]

The problem is that after taking so much of abuse and bad behavior from her all this time, I feel I have fallen out of love with her already. When I met her for the first time, I really loved her. She was the one who mattered to me. But now the only thing I see for her in my mind is disgust, anger and hatred for her. I hate her because she treated my like ___ in return for my love. I hate her for her shallow nature where she speaks out without thinking. I hate her for her misplaced rage. I hate her for all that physical abuse on me. I hate her that someone who was a happy man now has to take anxiety pills because of her. I just hate her plain and simple. In fact I feel hurt to say that these last couple of months I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, she loses control and assaults me again and I will walk away as agreed. But it has not happened. Half a year before I would have been delighted that she finally saw what she was doing wrong. I guess I was still in love then. But now I kind of just want my relationship to end. I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't feel like its worth anymore. I feel I want to be alone.

What is hurting me now is when I ask myself isn't it unfair that now she is really trying, taking responsibilities for her wrong actions but I don't wanna be a partner in this? Thinking about her how will she take it? She is now doing everything right but the outcome is still the same. I leave. I feel guilty because of this.

I'm sorry for the both of you that this has ended. There is a lot for you to untangle in the process of detaching.

We will walk with you through all of this. Hang in there, friend.

BPD person: Please understand that when I act out, its nothing against you. Its my inner pain.

Please understand that when I think so poor of BPD people you, its nothing against you. My life has been destroyed by a BPD person in a way no one has ever done before.

Fair enough... .

[smart_storm26]

Hi Skip,

After that post was made, my partner has physically attacked me again. Now I have planned to separate.

But thank you for your suggestion and support.

[spero]

my partner has physically attacked me again. Now I have planned to separate.

I'm sorry to hear that SmartStorm. I hope you are not seriously hurt. Please do takecare of yourself.

Spero.