Four years watching our son live in chaos due to volatile relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi this is my first post. Our son's wife is a not diagnosed BPD. We have spent the last 4 years watching our son live in constant chaos due to her behavior and their volitle relationship. He (and we) have agonized over the lies, verbal & physical abuse of him, threats of harming herself including butcher knives, strangulation, attempting to jump from a moving vehicle, puching herself, irrational outbursts, paranoid control and isolation of my son from all family and friends. We thought our son had finally found the strength to leave her after she had him falsely arrested for battery/domestic violence then dropped the charges, (we were there when he was handcuffed). Our son and his 2 kids under 2yrs old moved in with us and eventually there was a shared custody agreement made via a mediator. During that period she tried everything she could to make his (and or) lives miserable, including having annonymous text messages sent to him with naked pictures of herself and other men saying they were going to go and have sex with her, refusing to move her car so that he could get his car out of their garage, then calling the police when my husband and I brought the children to her and filing a domectic violence restraining order against my husband.(which she later retracted) It was at that time that we advised our son that she was not allowed to contact us or come to our home. Then within 3 months, she broke our son down and he & the kids returned to live her. It has been 3 months now, and we were seeing our son & the grandkids about once a week as I watch them when the 2 of them have marriage counseling but that stopped last month. They had an argument last week during which she made him leave and sleep in his car but he went back to her the next day and told us that he needed to stay and take care of his family. We have tried repeatedly to sit down with our son and talk about how he is feeling and his living situation but he is telling us that the conversation can only occur if she is present and that we need to let go of the past. He tells us that by setting the boundary with her we are choosing not to have a relationship with him and the grandkids. Given her past behavior, we are not comfortable around her and she refuses to get treatment. I have read many books about BPD and passed those on to my son but I suspect those have gone unread or were destroyed. Not sure how to give our son and the grandkids support... .

[SDMominlaw]

Hi this is my first post. Our son's wife is a not diagnosed BPD. We have spent the last 4 years watching our son live in constant chaos due to her behavior and their volitle relationship. He (and we) have agonized over the lies, verbal & physical abuse of him, threats of harming herself including butcher knives, strangulation, attempting to jump from a moving vehicle, puching herself, irrational outbursts, paranoid control and isolation of my son from all family and friends. We thought our son had finally found the strength to leave her after she had him falsely arrested for battery/domestic violence then dropped the charges, (we were there when he was handcuffed). Our son and his 2 kids under 2yrs old moved in with us and eventually there was a shared custody agreement made via a mediator. During that period she tried everything she could to make his (and or) lives miserable, including having annonymous text messages sent to him with naked pictures of herself and other men saying they were going to go and have sex with her, refusing to move her car so that he could get his car out of their garage, then calling the police when my husband and I brought the children to her and filing a domectic violence restraining order against my husband.(which she later retracted) It was at that time that we advised our son that she was not allowed to contact us or come to our home. Then within 3 months, she broke our son down and he & the kids returned to live her. It has been 3 months now, and we were seeing our son & the grandkids about once a week as I watch them when the 2 of them have marriage counseling but that stopped last month. They had an argument last week during which she made him leave and sleep in his car but he went back to her the next day and told us that he needed to stay and take care of his family. We have tried repeatedly to sit down with our son and talk about how he is feeling and his living situation but he is telling us that the conversation can only occur if she is present and that we need to let go of the past. He tells us that by setting the boundary with her we are choosing not to have a relationship with him and the grandkids. Given her past behavior, we are not comfortable around her and she refuses to get treatment. I have read many books about BPD and passed those on to my son but I suspect those have gone unread or were destroyed. Not sure how to give our son and the grandkids support... .

[Turkish]

My r/s wasn't nearly that dramatic, but I hid a lot.  :)espite what he went though,  don't underestimate what he may do in order to cope and preserve his family,  even if he isn't safe.  And I can't imagine being cut off from the grandkids I don't even have yet.  That's painful. 

It can be hard not to judge in this situation,  but he may also be feeling shame.  As messed up as it is,  he may be doing xyz (whatever she tells him) to stay together.  It might help to be neutral, "how are you all doing?" Let him vent towards you even if he might blame you initially.  I wouldn't let that get too far, however.  This communication tool might help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

What do you think?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SDMominlaw,

I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you to the site.  I'm sorry to hear what your family have been going through.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to see your son and his children cope with this behaviour.  My son is only 4 and I know how fiercely I'd want to protect him from such.  Having also been in a BPD r/s myself I can tell you that it is incredibly difficult to have what he may perceive as judgement directed at his choices, and he is likely feeling very torn inside.  However, his first priority is his family with his wife and kids, so I'm in agreement with Turkish that it would be a good idea to consider remaining neutral and supportive.  

He is almost certainly feeling shame around being the victim of such abuse and until he himself is ready to make that decision to end that dynamic one way or another, there is nothing anyone can say or do to push him to that choice.  I know that is hard to accept.  What I'd advise you to do is to take a stance of unconditional empathy and support, so that he knows you are available should he need you and there is an intact r/s with him and the kids whatever happens down the line.  Even if he chooses not to reach out to you in some circumstances, what matters is that he feels he has that lifeline there.  What steps do you feel you could make to ensure that lines of communication remain open and to show him that you love and care for him no matter what?

I'm so glad that you found us.  There is a wealth of information and support here, and I'd encourage you to make use of this.  Everyone in a situation like this is affected and this is a great place to vent frustrations and ask for others' input.  I hope you'll continue to post and to engage with other members, as having a support network is vital when handling such a difficult situation.  We can help.

Love and light x