Little victories: What are some things you can/have reclaimed?

[lighthouse9]

Hi good people,

I was eating waffles this morning and had a moment where I thought "it's so great to eat waffles without judgment!"

Long story short, separated uBPDw has some issues with eating disorders that she's only recently admitted to and admitted that control over exercise and nutrition were her "grown up" ways of not cutting anymore. Heartbreaking for many reasons, but one being that I'm an ex athlete and current personal trainer, we met at a gym, and she became a personal trainer with me in the last year. I've had challenges with food and nutrition, but mostly they revolved around what most athletes experience post-competition years: realizing you can't just eat whatever you want because you're not working out non-stop.

In our relationship, food was always a beautiful thing - we cooked together, meal planned together, tried different diets together, even coached others as trainers together. When she started to dysregulate and I noticed that what seemed like a fun hobby was actually turning into self-harm, I got concerned. She had dropped a bunch of weight and people were commenting on it to me. Some heart to heart talks before she moved out revealed that there was in fact some disordered eating happening, and now I'm looking back on the relationship at my own weight gain and shame around body stuff and seeing how much I let myself absorb her projections, creating my own problems for myself.

The truth is, I'm actually pretty good about managing my nutrition without strict rules and meal plans. I can usually keep things in check without saying "don't eat that" or having hard and fast rules. In fact, since she's been gone, my nutrition rule for myself has been "make sure you eat" because the sadness was so deafening at first I didn't have much of an appetite. I gave myself permission to eat what I could when I could and not scrutinize my food choices. Now, as my appetite has come back, my nutrition rule has been "make sure you eat vegetables," because the "make sure you eat" rule lead to me eating a lot of frozen stuff and pizza. Not bad, just not ideal for having good energy.

However, one thing I have been doing that I would have been terrified to do in front of her is that I'm eating frozen waffles every morning. They seem to work for me and I like them and at the moment, I'm not interested in whether or not they are the ideal breakfast or whatever. I'm thinking back to a time that I started making something similar for breakfast and she would make snide comments about my weight or about how nice it must be to eat something like that every day. I didn't see it at the time, but can totally see how uncomfortable she was with my food choices when they had so very little to actually do with her.

So, I'm loving on my waffles at the moment. Ok, real talk I might be getting sick of them and could be on to something else soon, but hey whatever!

It's silly, but it's a step in the "me" direction and a step away from her control. I know that if there is any shot in the dark of reconciliation, it starts with me reclaiming stuff that I like and undoing some of the enmeshing that was harmful for both of us, and having the boundaries to say "I'm eating waffles, keep your shame to yourself." Ok that's harsh, but I think you know what I'm saying.

How about you all? Any little victories? Anything you have reclaimed, or would like to? Anything you miss that you could take back, and set boundaries up so that you don't fall prey to projection? Let's get a thread going.

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[pearlsw]

Hi lighthouse9,

Thanks for sharing this! It's given me a lot to think about. My situation has given me other health issues with eating... .in the last months he's created a lot of stress and then I wouldn't eat. I'd drop weight fast, and he'd be back and the weight would come back. I don't feel good either way and have had to work to remove my eating from his crisis lifestyle.

In terms of reclaiming... .you've inspired me to find what I've lost/am missing and see how to reclaim things... .

How are you doing with fitness? He makes so low at times I have been less motivated than usual lately... .Typically I love fitness!

thanks, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi lighthouse9,
I totally relate to the food relief you're describing. My H has food issues, and meals, food, groceries, and leftovers in the fridge are triggers for him. He is gone sometimes 72 hours at a time for work, and I must admit to being very relieved while he's gone, that I can eat how I need to, for my body, whether it makes sense to him or not. I used to give him explanations, like for the waffles, that those go well especially since I had taken Advil, or whatever, and he would dismiss my explanation at "excuses".

Another issue that triggers him is what I wear.  I have learned not to make any color or pattern voices when he's home. He will put me down, and my choice. The only escape I have for this is gray or black yoga pants and a white t shirt. So, when he's gone, I also feel free to make clothing choices that are personal. Hair and makeup too. If I use those when he's home, there will be put downs. I don't know what his issue is with tearing me down. The only thing I can figure is, he must be really unhappy with himself, to tear me down like that. I think he's projecting maybe.

Great question. I like waffles too!
Dig

[TRB]

A small list of little victories--probably would only make sense to people who have been in a relationship with someone with BPD!

• I eat chicken (she is a vegetarian and will make clucking noises to induce guilt)
• I spend time relaxing in the morning on weekends before starting chores.
• I express opinions about trivial things that are different than hers (e.g., TV, movies, clothing) and do not react if she tells me my opinions are wrong.
• I spend time with friends and express sympathy when she says I am abandoning her.  I even invite her along, knowing she will decline.
• I don't take any of her accusations about me personally--OK, that's a big victory!

Funny how food seems to be a common theme.

It feels to me like what these all have in common is that they are all actions that express that we are not the same person, that we have different tastes, or preferences for how we spend our time, or who we associate with, and that this is OK, and that we can be in a relationship even if we do not merge into the same being.

Anyone who has not been in this situation probably wonders why these would be considered victories at all.

Anyone who has been in this situation probably understands just how much effort each of these can take!

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,
 Yes, the food does seem to be a common theme! I wonder if their idea of clean or righteous or acceptable food makes them feel superior to everyone else, and if its connected to dysfunctional body image issues or eating disorders... .

Good for you, if you can eat chicken while she makes clucking noises!  I would not be able to handle that... .I would have to enjoy that alone.  My body would tense up and it would be miserable.  I wish my feelings didn't affect how my body reacts.  I think my body is stuck in fight or flight mode, living with him doing this kind of thing.  A huge goal or victory for me would be to calm down enough or relax enough to stop stressing, and shift my body into healing from all of this.

The working out and fitness aspect is an issue too.  I can't work out in front of him, or at home, without him making bad comments.  I need to work on making choices based on my own values, not out of managing his horrible comments.  If I keep going at this rate, I'd be better off living in the corner of the roof.  The only re claiming I've done, has been around finding ways of doing things without him around. It leaves me feeling like I've lost myself sometimes. But I know I'm still here!

Dig.

[lighthouse9]

Hey everyone,

Great stuff here - and so interesting how food and fitness seem to come up as themes.

Pearl - I hear you about the fitness stuff - energy has been tough. I try to get myself to at least go on walks and I have a 20 minute workout routine I do at work at lunch time that I follow up with some prayer time on the Examen app. I always feel better after, as long as I don't over do it.

Dig: Food is so problematic, because it is something we actually put in ourselves, physically, to nourish us. Trying to control the way we feel about food is like penetrating some of the most intimate pieces of ourselves and inserting shame. I'm so ready to be rid of the lingering shame.

TRB - I'm cracking up at the chicken comment. My STBX was a vegan when we met, then just one day decided not to be anymore. Complete 180 on food preferences. I went vegetarian eventually because it made things easier and had the hardest time getting back to meat, whereas she was fine immediately after several years not eating it (I had only gone about 8 months!).

One thing I'm struggling with is that I'm still coaching two people that we used to coach together with nutrition stuff. My STBX made all of the nutrition recommendations and I focused on the coaching and motivation aspect. Now, after 4 months of working with them and after learning all that I have learned, I'm wondering if ethically I need to re-evaluate some of her recommendations, because it is possible they were also shame-based and projections. YIKES. Luckily, these two people are so understanding and trusting of me and would absolutely understand if I put the brakes on things and switched directions with them. I actually hate recommending specific foods and diets, and much prefer the coaching aspect of bringing people to place where they can observe their behaviors and find ways to intervene if these behaviors don't align with their values - almost like DBT nutrition coaching! Luckily, I've already started to move them off the "recommendations" a bit, so hopefully the damage is minimal.

Reclaiming ain't easy but the little victories feel great!

I've been playing my guitar and writing music a lot more lately. I used to do this daily, then after she showed little interest in it I stopped playing gradually. After figuring out that her affair partner was in a band and that she was all of a sudden into learning about new music, I flipped. But... .dude probably is as crappy of a musician as he is a human - and I'm back to playing several hours a day a few nights a week, and it feels so good to have my creativity back.

Keep them coming folks!

[juju2]

Hi,

Am happy this came up.

My pwBPD, he would always get mad at me when our meal was ready.  He would say, I am not ready to eat yet.  I need time.

I took that as a way he was using to be hateful, he knew I was fixing dinner.

anyway, it is what it is. I am only now, after 10 years, realizing this is a serious mental illness.

He is disabled.  I love him.

How important is this issue, really. To the big picture.

When I bump up against his disorder, maybe I can find a way to not be offended, not react, etc.
thank you all for being here.  j