Hello there Husband321,
I'm no expert about BPD, but im really sorry to hear about the little you've posted here.
It must really heart breaking to have your wife leave you and yet call you up a while later and telling you that she misses you.
One might go, "If you'd miss me so much, why in the world did you leave in the first place." It may seem like she doesn't know what she wants, the thrill and excitement of something new has faded away and now she yearns for the familiar.
I've not read your other threads and so i won't have the full picture of your entire situation. My assessment might not be as accurate until i've understood what transpired.
If I may, here goes... I am going to make the assumption that over time you have seen your partner display various symptoms and parameters of what defines BPD.
I have other threads. But my BPD wife left me 2 months ago, then met another man in a week.
Then she starts calling and calling. Telling me how she misses me. But is now in Arizona staying at a hotel. Does not like Colorado now. And is now looking for a place in Arizona.
Your partner may be experiencing an episode of abandomnent. I quote this from psychology today "These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments."
Here is the citation to the full article
https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/borderline-personality-disorderI suppose since you've been separated from her, by her, your partner may be having difficulties dealing with absence of you in her life. That sense of absence is probably a result of the deep emptiness that people with BPD experience. A research study of individuals with BPD suggests that "Results indicate that emptiness is negligibly related to boredom, is closely related to feeling hopeless, lonely, and isolated, and is a robust predictor of depression and suicidal ideation (but not anxiety or suicide attempts). Findings are consistent with DSM-IV revisions regarding the 7th criterion for Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition, findings suggest that emptiness reflects pathologically low positive affect and significant psychiatric distress." Citation for quote (
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18684053)
This emptiness and therefore the motivation to fill that emptiness is why she might be calling you. Unfortunately, this "emptiness" is almost like trying to pour water into a hole in the ground dug out of sand - It's simply impossible and almost futile. She might be reaching out to you as a way of having her identity and existence tied to you. Husband321, your partner may not miss you the way you think she is trying to come across, she may be missing the attention and care you provide, which is a source of "supply". This motivation however, might be subconscious to your partner and she may not be aware. The fear of abandonment, whether real or perceive to things which define her existence or a part of, will cause such situations to play out.
I don't understand why, she feels the need to always tell me this. Then she acted jealous asking if I have a girlfriend. Yet is telling me she is looking for a place across the country anyway.
I cannot say this is true for every person with BPD, but my uBPDexGF objectified me toward the end of our final recycle. She was jealous that i was spending time with others and not her. I quote this from psychology today about BPD objectification "One of the primary psycho-social manifestations of the borderline style is the tendency to objectify others. Follow this: emotional dysregulation, by definition, demands a failure in the ability to understand and/or process emotionality; a failure in the ability to understand and/or process emotions suggests a failure in the ability to develop emotional connection; a lack of emotional connection leads to treating others as "things", not people. The borderline personality thus lives in a world populated by objects, rather than others - objects of love, objects of hate, objects of mirth, objects of rage - always objects, always extremes and never truly connected, whether violent or demure in style."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200906/blackwhite-interpersonal-relationships-and-borderline-behaviorThe lack of healthy emotional development as the above quote states may be the reason why your wife is jealous... she may unforunately see you as something belonging to her. She needs to know that you're around and that still hers alone. The prospect of something which is "hers" becoming someone elses property of course creates jealousy. She wants you to be hers and hers alone, to be used and enjoyed at her disposal and pleasure and when she's bored of her object for the moment, she seems something new to make her feel "alive". Think of this as a child with a toy, when children are a certain age, their world view and reference is ... ."this is my toy, you can't have this. I'm not gonna share it with other kids. When some other kid has is seen with their favourite toy, the child gets jealous and makes an attempt to snatch it back." I'm not here to put down individuals with BPD but rather try to explain the psyche of how they may think.
There is infact someone on this forum who spoke from her view point as a person with BPD on objectification ... which you can read more here
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0Then she suggested I fly to see her. I said no. Then she said she wants to fly to see me.
What is the deal with her having to tell me she "misses me" ? Just to get a reaction? Justto stay relevant?
She may want to see you for the above mentioned motivations, to remind her of herself as she sees you ( being part of her identity ). The potential fear of losing you which in turn becomes for her losing a part of her self becomes a very strong driving force in reinforcing her own identity and sense of self. She will do... .whatever it takes to get the back, so if you don't comply, she would just do the opposite and come back to you. Its unfortunately playing out to be another push pull... recycle of sorts.
Hope this helps, Husband321
Spero.
