These ten years, looking back, have been like a slow-motion train wreck.

[Parents! Get help here!]

The personality change my daughter (30 yrs old)  has undergone is SO hard to handle.  The profanity is terrible.  The anger is rude and hurtful.  The estrangement from family is self-induced.  Her inability to hold a job, keep a friend, her paranoia, her delusions, her toying with treatment - it all almost negates my own desire to thrive in my own life.  I've been in counseling myself for 3 years to help me "be OK when my daughter is not OK."  She has gradually gotten less functional over the last six years:  3 of those married, 3 of those fighting against a divorce and reeling from being abandonment.  Before the marriage, she would take medication, worked with a therapist, stayed social, had good jobs - although she struggled with everything.  Her bio dad is diagnosised with paranoid schizophrenia.  Her maternal grandmother with bipolar, hospitalizations.  The obvious onset was her freshman yr of college.  She did get a 4 yr and then a 2 yr technical degree;  she's so smart.  I'm involved in NAMI.  I have a strong faith in God.  I practice mindfulness.  I think I'm doing what I can to help her and to help myself.  But it's SO difficult, even with the support system I've set up.  Going back generations, none of us had fertile family soil.  There's alcoholism, violence, and mental illnesses.  I generally forgive myself for not knowing what I did not know about raising my daughter and this BPD timebomb in her system.  When I'm on "top of my own game", I make each day count and not live in my own dysfunctions, reach out and find good things to focus on. I keep learning about BPD and all things germane to her and I.  The bottom line is I guess I'm doing OK but it's just DIFFICULT to live with this, especially because she was an outstanding young adult by every standard.  We did so some things right as parents and she made some great choices for her life.  But these ten years, looking back, have been like a slow-motion train wreck.  With all she did to her herself, all that I did to support her, things have just gotten worse for her.  She was just hospitalized for the first time last month.  That was actually a good thing for her at the time, but now she's non-compliant with the medication and not doing any better.  She has significant manifestations of irrational and delusional thoughts.  And oh, the oppositional attitudes, refusals to cooperate, insistence of doing "it" herself, and not realizing she can't get it done! We support her in a separate apartment because it's a war if she lives with us; we support her 100% because, until just last month, she refused to file for disability or any assistance.  She was going to "get a job this week and it'll all be OK."  Eventually, I realized, she was not longer capable to doing that.   It's a chronic disorder and without the right treatment, she makes bad situations even worse.  I keep seeing that happen over and over.   BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that if she can get into the right treatment, there is good hope for her recovery.  It's been ten years and counting, but only 4 since we knew the actual diagnosis of BPD.  So, again, there's  hope but none of us know the timeline for recovery.  Thanks for reading... . 

[DoingwhatIcan]

The personality change my daughter (30 yrs old)  has undergone is SO hard to handle.  The profanity is terrible.  The anger is rude and hurtful.  The estrangement from family is self-induced.  Her inability to hold a job, keep a friend, her paranoia, her delusions, her toying with treatment - it all almost negates my own desire to thrive in my own life.  I've been in counseling myself for 3 years to help me "be OK when my daughter is not OK."  She has gradually gotten less functional over the last six years:  3 of those married, 3 of those fighting against a divorce and reeling from being abandonment.  Before the marriage, she would take medication, worked with a therapist, stayed social, had good jobs - although she struggled with everything.  Her bio dad is diagnosised with paranoid schizophrenia.  Her maternal grandmother with bipolar, hospitalizations.  The obvious onset was her freshman yr of college.  She did get a 4 yr and then a 2 yr technical degree;  she's so smart.  I'm involved in NAMI.  I have a strong faith in God.  I practice mindfulness.  I think I'm doing what I can to help her and to help myself.  But it's SO difficult, even with the support system I've set up.  Going back generations, none of us had fertile family soil.  There's alcoholism, violence, and mental illnesses.  I generally forgive myself for not knowing what I did not know about raising my daughter and this BPD timebomb in her system.  When I'm on "top of my own game", I make each day count and not live in my own dysfunctions, reach out and find good things to focus on. I keep learning about BPD and all things germane to her and I.  The bottom line is I guess I'm doing OK but it's just DIFFICULT to live with this, especially because she was an outstanding young adult by every standard.  We did so some things right as parents and she made some great choices for her life.  But these ten years, looking back, have been like a slow-motion train wreck.  With all she did to her herself, all that I did to support her, things have just gotten worse for her.  She was just hospitalized for the first time last month.  That was actually a good thing for her at the time, but now she's non-compliant with the medication and not doing any better.  She has significant manifestations of irrational and delusional thoughts.  And oh, the oppositional attitudes, refusals to cooperate, insistence of doing "it" herself, and not realizing she can't get it done! We support her in a separate apartment because it's a war if she lives with us; we support her 100% because, until just last month, she refused to file for disability or any assistance.  She was going to "get a job this week and it'll all be OK."  Eventually, I realized, she was not longer capable to doing that.   It's a chronic disorder and without the right treatment, she makes bad situations even worse.  I keep seeing that happen over and over.   BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that if she can get into the right treatment, there is good hope for her recovery.  It's been ten years and counting, but only 4 since we knew the actual diagnosis of BPD.  So, again, there's  hope but none of us know the timeline for recovery.  Thanks for reading... . 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello DoingwhatIcan.  Always nice to welcome someone else to this forum.

We have been on this roller coaster ride with our uBPD daughter for about 40 years now.  Long time, eh?  She was 12 when she first ran away and is now soon to be 52 and still running away but in different forms.

Way-back-when our troubles started with her, she was just thought to be a wild-child, or whatever, and would eventually grow out of those rebellious teenage years and life would be smooth for all.  Boy, could I write volumes of what we have lived through since then.

With all that said... .took me a loong time to get to where I am now.  First of all, what a feeling of validation I got when a counsellor in the early 90's recommended I read a book... ."I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I cried through the whole thing.  It was written about our daughter.  "It" had a name and "It" was BPD.   While she has been to numerous counsellors over the years, none to our knowledge has hinted at BPD... .but certainly suggested to us by the counsellors we went to.

I commend you for all the work you are doing for yourself... .a message that is passed over these airwaves all the time... ."LEARN TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!"  As I have already written, it took me a long time to do that and I cringe when I remember back to the depths I fell to as I mourned and went from one Pity-party to the next.

Although we are in yet another period of n/c with our daughter (and our precious grandechildren ... .the saddest/hardest part of our story), I am now... .okay.  "Okay" does not mean she is out of my heart.  Indeed, her face/name is in my mind as I fall asleep... .and she is the first thing that comes to mind when my eyes open.  I am a Mom!

So, I do the same thing you do... .put one foot in front of the other... .bring up all the resources I can find to get on with life... .accept what is... .IS.   

"When I'm on 'top of my own game', I make each day count and not live in my own dysfunctions, reach out and find good things to focus on."... .a quote from you... .and such an important thing for others here to read!

Thank you for joining us DoingwhatIcan!  I hope you carry on here because I think you have a lot to offer others and, in turn, hope you will find the same comfort for yourself that I have found in knowing my feelings are feelings that are felt by others.

Huat

[DoingwhatIcan]

Huat,  Oh, what a long, long road you have been on... .my heart goes out to you and yours,  but my hat goes off to you, too,  for your strength and perseverance!  I'm so glad to have found this board; I feel less alone and stronger from the kindness of sharing.   

[wendydarling]

Hi DoingwhatIcan

 

I'd like to join Huat in welcoming you to the community. I'm so glad you found us. Some parents here will be nodding their heads when you say it's been like a slow motion train wreck. It's heartbreaking and so difficult to watch this happen to our loved ones, you are not alone. 

BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that if she can get into the right treatment, there is good hope for her recovery.  It's been ten years and counting, but only 4 since we knew the actual diagnosis of BPD.  So, again, there's  hope but none of us know the timeline for recovery.  Thanks for reading... . 

I'd like to share with you a window of my journey here, to help keep the light shining bright.

hope and my 29DD's success

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317675.10

Mine was a fast moving head on train crash. University to work, then WHAM our world fell in, I've never seen someone so ill in my life and it scared the living daylights out of me.

Does your daughter speak to you about her disorder, how it feels?

WDx

[DoingwhatIcan]

My dd30 and I keep in touch which is basically a positive for both of us.  Sometimes, though, I'm reeling from her anger, delusions, paranoia, irrational actions and then, I don't want any interaction with her!   I take some time out, but I always re-establish connection.   She acknowledges the BPD, PTSD from an abusive marriage but she hasn't been willing to seek treatment in the last three years since a bad marriage and divorce.    Another very frightening fear is starting to take hold of me:   does she have some paranoid schizophrenia like her bio dad?  BPD is a definite; text book case often.  But the PSchz?  When she writes letters (yes, old fashioned letters  her sentences are disjointed and she can't stay on topic.  People have trouble following her train of thought.   Her speech is jumpy, too.  And she changes her mind about things every 30 seconds it seems! She used to be highly functioning, 2 degrees, a job, car, friends, etc.  Now she hasn't been able to work in 3 years and she's becoming less functional in my opinion.  Is it because her mind can't think straight enough to go back to therapy or ?  I haven't read much about BPD with persistent delusions and irrational actions.
 

[wendydarling]

Hi doingwhatIcan

Another very frightening fear is starting to take hold of me:   does she have some paranoid schizophrenia like her bio dad?  BPD is a definite; text book case often.  But the PSchz?  When she writes letters (yes, old fashioned letters  her sentences are disjointed and she can't stay on topic.  People have trouble following her train of thought.   Her speech is jumpy, too.  And she changes her mind about things every 30 seconds it seems! She used to be highly functioning, 2 degrees, a job, car, friends, etc.  Now she hasn't been able to work in 3 years and she's becoming less functional in my opinion.  Is it because her mind can't think straight enough to go back to therapy or ?  I haven't read much about BPD with persistent delusions and irrational actions.

Interested to here from others who may have experienced similar or have a better understanding of paranoid schizophrenia. Are these new behaviours you've observed?  You say you see your daughter is less functional, she recently was hospitalised?

My DD suffered from episodes of psychosis when at her worst, she experienced auditory hallucinations, where a man was persecuting her, she spent a month in a women's crisis home and came home recovered from the episode following quiet rest and meds, my personal thoughts are that she was towards hitting rock bottom and anything further could come into play, at that point for my DD it was auditory hallucinations. Unbeknown to me, she'd been experiencing them for some time.   She started with a straight BPD diagnosis and overtime added depression, anxiety, sleeping disorder, psychosis, ptsd ... .the eating disorder we knew about in her teens, treatment unsuccessful at the time, she's doing better now.

Some people appear to hit rock bottom in order to take on the responsibility and determination to put in the work to get well, engage. Desperate in my DD's situation.

How are you feeling, is it a good day for you?

WDx

[Gallopaway]

Hi Doingwhatican,

I am sorry for what you and your family are going through. We are where you were 10 years ago. My daughter is 20 and we finally realized she has BPD a year after starting college 18 hours away from home. It has gotten worse and she is now married and has a puppy. She is very high functioning now but I am afraid she will start making even worse choices.
My daughter was a good student and a great athlete in high school. She never got in trouble but she became more abusive and never had close friends all her life.
My husband and I go to weekly therapy and are trying to let go. We have to come to terms with the fact that our goals for our daughter are not hers and just hope for the best. We cut off all financial ties now that she is married.We were paying for school,car and all other expenses. We cannot enable her anymore and hope she can navigate on her own. She thinks she is independent but she is co-dependent on her husband we barely know.
We hoped she would mature and see the world before settling down but living pay check to pay check and living with her 19 year husband is what she wants. We don't understand but if she is happy, who are we to interfere?

I hope things improve in your situation. You are doing the best you can. Please take care of yourself.

We hope she goes to therapy someday and realize we are not her enemy and can be trusted.