I surrender and radically accept

[Radcliff]

He is so disregulated, that in attempt to extract a reaction from me he started giving d14 alcohol!

IMHO sleeping with a 14 yo daughter doesn’t seem healthy, I observe elements of emotional incest.

These two things caught my attention.  I don't want to overreact or underreact.  You have expressed difficulty setting boundaries with your husband.  You've just given two examples of boundary violations between him and your 14 year old daughter.  Even if they fall far short of abuse, boundary violations between parents and children can have a big long term impact on the child.  If a second parent is present and backs them up, it can lessen the impact.  If the second parent doesn't back them up, it can make the impact worse.

Talk to your daughter, see how she feels about both incidents.

With the alcohol, did she really want to drink it, or did she feel pressured by him?  Did she resist?  If she resisted, tell her you're proud of her.  If she drank but didn't want to, try to boost her confidence to set her own limits and tell her you'll back her up.  If she wanted to drink and did, that's another story.  I'm not sure what to say about that.  It wouldn't be a boundary violation, just bad parenting.  I might let that one incident go.  I'm curious what other members think.

As for sleeping in the same bed, ask her how she felt about that, just so you understand the impact on her.  But I would not burden her with the responsibility to assert herself there, the power imbalance is too great.  Can you tell us about that situation, how it evolved, how you considered reacting, how you reacted, and what you might do differently, if anything?

WW

[snowglobe]

Hey Snowglobe,

I hope we're not distracting you with all of our video fun 

I think formflier and Red5's Navy examples are some very clear illustrations, but this concept of a guy going off and doing stereotypically guy stuff (war, building bridges, climbing mountains, whatever) and periodically reuniting with our wives is a very general cultural thing -- it is part of how we are programmed.  The woman waiting at home and providing love and support from a distance (letters, e-mails) with periodic reunions, that's also a exalted gender stereotype.  I feel a little awkward talking up gender stereotypes (for goodness' sake) so feel free to make war, build bridges and climb mountains, but my intent is to point out that what we are thinking you want near term -- a life centered around your home, while still interacting with your husband enough so he doesn't stray -- may fit a narrative that's already programmed into his head that you can tap into.

Let us know if you think we're on track here or if we're hopelessly lost in some guy delusion

WW

Hi Wentworth,
What I’m looking for is a symbiosis of the traditional and what have worked in the past for us. The problem with completely staying out of his way is that his mind works only in the immediate environment. If his children and myself aren’t in his present paradigm, he doesn’t feel responsible for being involved, interested or financially obligated to provide. We’ve had an issue in the past, where I had to stay behind, it happened 9 years ago, and he went to work in another country. His partying went out of control, women and alcohol and gambling. I could t find him for days, thanks to Facebook I saw him with one of my friends who lived oversees partying his worries away, surrounded by woman. It’s a different story to tell, but kind of illustrated that he isn’t capable of “being alone”. He later called me, distant and cold, with no remorse or apology, or explanation for his behaviour. I left, so he said, so rules of the marriage don’t apply... .he also demanded to cut down on expenses, which were vital at that time, like Sell Phone, among other things. Said that my life was too “luxurious” and he doesn’t feel like providing anymore. For the duration of his stay away from us, he called regularly only to dysregulating and cut out another expanse, like a limb. All the while knowing the devastation it would bring. So I can’t fully “let him go and do why he has to”. He does this “remotely”, bringing devastation and chaos not only into my life, but the life of the kids. His first weapon is always milder, my personal expenses, I don’t flinch, as I think he doesn’t owe me anything, if he chooses to spoil me a bit, it’s nice. If he doesn’t, I get it too. When it comes to children, food, shelter and extracurricular activities for them are something he is obligated to provide. Especially if he can and has been in the past. Just because he is mad at me doesn’t mean he should make the kids miserable too

[snowglobe]

These two things caught my attention.  I don't want to overreact or underreact.  You have expressed difficulty setting boundaries with your husband.  You've just given two examples of boundary violations between him and your 14 year old daughter.  Even if they fall far short of abuse, boundary violations between parents and children can have a big long term impact on the child.  If a second parent is present and backs them up, it can lessen the impact.  If the second parent doesn't back them up, it can make the impact worse.

Talk to your daughter, see how she feels about both incidents.

With the alcohol, did she really want to drink it, or did she feel pressured by him?  Did she resist?  If she resisted, tell her you're proud of her.  If she drank but didn't want to, try to boost her confidence to set her own limits and tell her you'll back her up.  If she wanted to drink and did, that's another story.  I'm not sure what to say about that.  It wouldn't be a boundary violation, just bad parenting.  I might let that one incident go.  I'm curious what other members think.

As for sleeping in the same bed, ask her how she felt about that, just so you understand the impact on her.  But I would not burden her with the responsibility to assert herself there, the power imbalance is too great.  Can you tell us about that situation, how it evolved, how you considered reacting, how you reacted, and what you might do differently, if anything?

WW

Two part answer, d14 is fascinated and very curious about alcohol, she is begging and asking to “try”, with me the rules are simple, if it’s illigal and you are minor, it’s no. UBPDh is always contradicting me on that, very so suddenly he gives her a sip of whatever he is drinking, she is excited and mischievous. He is looking at me with this “look”, see, I don’t care what you say, I do what I want, very defiant. I can’t simply ignore, she is my child and it’s my responsibility to make sure she grows up a healthy individual. His Mahican thinking never takes consequences into the equation, they simply don’t exist in his reality. Alcoholism, hangover, unusual fascination with alcohol don’t concern him. The fact that I’m saying no, even with explanation make him wanna gain an upper hand on me.
Regarding co- sleeping- kids have been sharing bed with us when they were younger. It was acceptable practice, and for me to shut down my eyes. Once they became older I separated them to their own bedrooms. Now and again, when sick and distressed they come and climb into bed with us. This vacation suite has only two queen beds, my idea was for kids to share one bed and us sleep on the other. Now, that he decided that he is disgusted with me, he is alternating between sleeping with one of the Kids. I mentioned in a different post that d14 is exhibiting some early signs of BPD, which was confirmed by a Therapist we consulted. It’s not a full disorder yet, but being feared in inconsistent environment alternating with complete set of digit rules and plain disregard and neglect is a disaster recipe. She is trying to manipulate her brother into sleeping with dad constantly, perhaps it reassures her that she is in his good graces (when she sees that I’m not) as uBPDh is quite vocal about his feelings towards me. She isn’t coerced into sharing the bed, she wants to. Nothing inappropriate happens, the turn the backs on each other and fall asleep. It’s the emotional triangulation that I’m concerned about. He is painting me black, and she is the rescuer. I’m concerned because I know how quickly he turns, and don’t want her to be devastated when it will happen

[Radcliff]

Snowglobe,

Thanks for taking the time to explain the details of your husband's behavior on travel, and the situation with your kids and your husband.  Both situations sound difficult to deal with.

What are your current thoughts on how you'll divide your time between home and the remote work site? 

Remind us, do you have a therapist?  Does your daughter?

WW

[formflier]

Just because he is mad at me doesn’t mean he should make the kids miserable too

As we peel back the layers of our thinking... .we find things that are "holding us back" or "steering us in the wrong direction".

What is the difference in what you said above and...

"my husband is mad"

"my husband is mad at me"

"I am not responsible for my husbands anger" (even if he wants me to be)

Can you think about that for a while and how that may change how you "deal with" your husband.

FF